Feel Dead living with an Unloving Spouse. Please advice

chocyGal · Oct 21, 2011

@homemaker81 , I think your husband has piled up some anger against you. First clear that up. As he checks with other people, its not his nature to be insensitive. Let this incident pass by. Whenever he is in a nice mood, slowly talk to him about the grudge he has on you. Explain him that you have changed a lot and you are longing for his love, care and kind words. At that time, explain to him how hurt you were when he didn't ask how you were feeling when you were sick.

justanothergirl · Oct 21, 2011

Naksh ..good to have you back !

rose8282 · Oct 21, 2011

I was reading up on a chapter "Domestic violence" and I tried to post it in Indusladies because it is so relevant to so many ladies out here. One of the kinds of abuse a partner can be capable of is, not allowing the other person to talk with others freely,keeping constant check on his/her moves. Your husband is a victim of domestic violence. Inspite of us telling you again and again and again,you still have that attitude. You say you changed,but your posts dont show it. How can you expect your husband to love you? I think it is your husband who is dead on the inside,not you. You still have jealousy,sadness,anger (not love..coz true love doesnt test a loved one) towards him. From his end,there is no feelings when it comes to you. This is how you made him - dead.

P.S:Naksh...Ola!!good to see you

Tanujam30 · Oct 21, 2011

I don't think IL can help you a lot in this matter. You came by last time and were inclined (I am sure genuinely) to let your husband lead a normal, decent life. But here you are again, you may have reduced number of fights with him over this but the number of times you take offense to his talking to other women remains the same. So in reality nothing has changed, he still has to put up with an angry/upset wife even if she no longer expresses it. Personally, if I was being persecuted this way for so long, I would also not be too worried about the welfare of such a person.

It is not easy to give up your habit, you have yourself have found that. I think the only thing that can help you is some SERIOUS PROFESSIONAL HELP. You think it is abnormal to lunch with coworkers of opposite sex ? I think pretty much all working people are guilty of this crime. Your thought is what is abnormal, not your husband, not his colleagues. Really, save yourself and your family while you still have some hope. I can only imagine what this is doing to your children. Children are very perceptive, they are learning a lot from your behavior.

cuties · Oct 21, 2011

HM, I would seriously suggest you make friends of your own. It isn't that hard. Try and talk to your little one's friend's parents. Ask them if they would be interested in a playdate with your lil one. Invite them over and let the kids have fun. if one is not interested, try other friends. Trust me this will also be good for your kids also. Also take professional help for your insecurities. Maybe its your insecurities that is preventing you from making friends. Your husband's behavior with his co-workers is completely normal. We all talk to our male colleagues about movies, shopping, weekend plans, holidays etc etc. There is nothing wrong in it.
And why do you think he does not love you, if he didn't, he would not come home to help with the kids when you are unwell. So, what if you had to ask? I ask my H for help too when I am unwell. Don't make so many assumptions that he can read your mind.
I think you are very dependent on your H for all your emotional needs, it would be nice if you could make a friend or 2 of your own. And please don't be judgmental of people when you meet them. No one is perfect. They will all have some things you won't like, learn to appreciate the differences and live with it.

Good Luck.

hemalathaK · Oct 21, 2011

Home maker, already in your previous thread I think I asked you to apologize to your husband.Did you do that?

Do you know how much pain you have given to your husband?That's the main reason he is like this.

Like Rose said, your husband is undergoing domestic violence I would say.There is no doubt in that.Don't you feel ashamed about yourself for being like this?.I feel like scolding you.I know I am very harsh.But I really don't care.

Please stop thinking about your husband always.Divert your mind and keep yourself engaged.Keeping yourself so busy will definitely help you to come out from the suspicious thoughts.

homemaker81 · Oct 21, 2011

Naksh - Thanks a million. That was a wonderful posting. Wish it was more lengthier. Pour in more advices if you have time. I can't give up my online work altogether but restrict my working hours. Because that is what is keeping me occupied. We are in a financial crisis and my husband's salary completely goes to pay bills and fees with very little money left. So, my work will atleast help us come out of this hardship. If i am idle, i will be back to square one.

Other ILs, thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and advices.

Apologizing to him doesn't work at all. He takes it as an advantage. I once said I went to counselling. Then whenever there is a dispute, he calls me a mentally retrarded person. Also, I apologize, then after 6 months there is another fight. So even if i apologize he won't trust. Its better to show in action than words. I think that way it will work

After my last posting about 6 months ago, with all your advices, I changed myself a lot. I stopped calling him when he is at office. Earlier, i used to call him the very moment he goes idle. If he doesn't pick up, I will call 5 to 6 times. Now i have completely stopped calling him unless it is something important.

But he calls me twice a day to check on the kids. But i couldnt take it when he goes idle or offline. I will immediately have a thought that he is with somebody. Although i don't show it up, i somehow become upset when he goes idle/offline.

My husband is the one who drops and picks the kid from school. So I hardly meet any parents. If i want to drop, he is asking me to drop him at office and keep the car with me so that i can drop and pick. The school is on the way to his office. Also, if i have to drop, i have to take my second child, get him ready and take him along early in the morning. This is why i left the picking and drop work to him.

If any of you'll have some advice to help me out or divert my mind, it would be helpful. Another problem is I am a frequent reader of forums. In most of the threads I see the husband cheats the woman in some way and starts having an EMA. Particularly most of these women are in the US. Whenever I read such things, I get so upset and my suspicion keeps growing. Thanks again for all your posts and advices.

flowerlady · Oct 21, 2011

Dear Homemaker,
With 2 small kids, housework and online job you still find time to read forums and be miserable ! You are great !
Make a concious effort to meet real people not cyber ones like me.
Dont be online 24x7 , dont track your DH.
If you have a garden then plant some veggies, flowers. You can even have a few flowering plants in your home.
Spend time outside and talk to people, mix around. Read , watch TV , join a library.
Switch off your computer , you will find many things to do.
EMAs can happen anywhere, nothing to with any country, city.

rheaa · Oct 21, 2011

Sorry homemaker, I am going to be a little rude.

For a while, just leave everything, sit calmly and reverse the role. Think you went through all that your husband had. Think if your husband suspected you, checked on you, prevented you from helping your colleagues or stopped you from some casual talk with your colleagues. After having all those fights and this kind of mental torture (abuse), would you be in a position to show him your love?

Frankly, if I had to undergo all that like your husband, I would most definitely leave my spouse. Remember, in a marriage both are equal......no one has the right to control the other. Let him have his personal space!

And one more thing, if your husband is really someone who wants to have an affair, why would he still hang on to you inspite of all your accusations?

TRUST is the magic word in a relationship. When you don't trust him, even a normal conversation with a female colleague can look like an affair for you.

You mentioned about reading forums related to EMA and getting worried. Why do you compare your life with somebody else? Use your time to see how you can improve your life instead of wasting it by imagining things.

Do some yoga, meditation, chant religious mantras and engage yourself in activities where you can meet new friends.You will feel better. Good luck!

Priya16 · Oct 21, 2011

HM,

If he is kind of guy,he would have left you long time back.you are not understanding that.You don't have to check on someone continuously.If you do that ,there is a chance of you loose him.

To be frank,it's miserable to live in that setup.As long as you thinking inside of your mind,he can easily make out.
Try to read good books,instead of reading bad on all the forums and improve your marriage.