Is Love skin-deep????

Hi,

I just do no understand how you girls can naively be pregnant for a man who has no feelings for you (and you were aware of it). Kids after kids has made you stay with that man. You were aware that you are not much qualified to support him in the larger scale, so why the hell you stood up like a crane to ask him about the expenditure that he meets. Let him bark, you should quietly enjoy the benefits. As it is your life is revolving around the children. The distance is gone wider as its been long years and he is still the same. I do not know you personally, so giving virtual advise is like hurting your feelings.

 

Hello Diana,

I admire your willingness to work though your friend's problem. It s in helping others that we realize who minor our own problems are.
I really feel for your friend. So much pain and dejection. I wish God had been little kind to Women in this kind of situation.

Here is what I can think of..

Priya

I totally feel for you. I havenot seen all this happening- with one person. But I have seen bits and pieces of what you explained to various people. And I can totally feel how drained and empty you must be by now.

First thing first..
- dont shun your husband from intimacy. Rather use it as platform to also talk out your mind. Men are most receptive in this phase.
- I think if you havent fought in 7 years after all this too. Then You have accumulated lot of grievances for him. Hence you are finding tough to forgive him.
- If you see at face value, He wasnot saying anything out of the place to visting frend. Keeping 4 kids will be tough for any salaried person. And yes double earner will have it little easier. Taking tuition is one of the good option to suppliment, but he thought regular , fat salary will be more helpful to him.
- Never keep greivance for too long. They spoil phuscial as well as mental health. Keep releasign them.
- You HAD a right to tell parents to not be PARTIAL to you. If you wouldn't fight for your right. WHO WILL
- Only YOU can correct your husband. There is no need of BABY MACHINE in life. So wether your husband admits or not, he had accepted you as his life partner when he married you. Whatever he says after it is just tribulation of an immature men. Help your man to grow more mature.
- Marturity is not a necesarry outcome of growing up. Its wife 's duty to help bring out flaws and ieffieciency in a husband and polish it. To some extent I would compare such husband as adolscent kids.
- It s your duty also to help your husband see his fault. Dont do it all the time. Quality nagging is what may work for you.
- Use your kids to your advantage. You dont have to teach them to ask your husband to be good to you. Just use them to pass on how greatful you feel for such a good husband. Reverse appreciation to consolidate flaws works best in close relationship. Just keep telling your kids , how great papa they have. How much he loves whole family, how much he love his wife etc etc.
- Life can be sad or happy affair as we make it. Dont stoop low for anyone. Stand out and fight for your right. Dont wait for others to give you respect. You have to explicitly tell others that their dear world will cease without this important contributor.

I hope it helps some way.

Ria

 

Thanks Diana...

All I could say for her is..

No situation in life is bad enough to not survive for a willing heart and undying faith. Most of what happens with us is result of what we chose or what we failed to choose.

All the best to Priya.

 

Dear Diana,

Here is what I have for your friend..

Dear Priya,

Ria has already provided some wonderful advice here. Very practical and hits the nail on the head.

Here are some of the things that I’d like to share with you. I am sorry this post is so long. But I wanted to answer this in as much detail as I could. Please do read it in its entirety.

Your first question – is beauty skin deep?
My answer –No.
Popular opinion – probably Yes
Here’s what I think - Let us talk about the facts first. Whether we like it or not, skin color does play a role in people noticing you in the first look. And this is true not just in India but in every part of the world. I live in the US and it is the same over here.

Having said that, I think all it means is that it is a fact that we should accept without denying. Nothing less and nothing more. Just as we accept other generally known facts like, people with a good sense of humor are liked more than people who don’t have one, people who talk nicely are liked more than people who talk rudely and many such facts.

My answer though is No, skin color does not define beauty. The reason being skin color and looks are just a wrapping that covers the real gift – which is person himself, the personality of this person. Sure a beautiful wrapping will attract a lot of people who will want to own it but the moment the wrapping is taken off, they’d better find a stunning gift (person) inside to make it desirable. Or else it will hold no value, and the attraction for this gift will die sooner than later.

This is true for both females and males. Sure men may feel that a nice looking, light skinned woman is beautiful but for them to value that person and to think about love, respect for a long period of time, she has to show more than just looks. Of course I am discounting the exceptions here.

I firmly believe this and I have seen this to be true everywhere –in professional as well as in personal life. You command respect and love by what you do and not solely by how you look.

Luckily the way God has made us, he has given us full control over the thing that really matters – our personality. The thing that God did not give us much control over is the thing that gets thrown away anyway once the gift is opened, the packing. So let us not worry about it at all.

So please, henceforth, do not let your looks and skin color come in the way of your real personality and do not believe that your husband does not like you because of your dark skin.

Question 2 and 3 are tied together.
Here’s what I think - Yes, your hubby may change and he may start liking you eventually. Anything is possible if we put our heart into it. When I say heart, I don’t mean love, I actually mean head. Confusing? J Let me elaborate.

· You need to find out what is it that makes your husband tick. You need to identify what are the “top rankers/essentials” for him in terms of desirability in the opposite gender. Of course we all want all the possible good things in our spouse, but we also know that it is impossible. But yet we all have some absolute “essentials” that make us feel very attracted to the opposite gender. In fact without some of these “essentials” our spouses will not be able to hold our attention, love or respect long term. Again, this is true for both men and women. We women too need some of these “essentials” in our spouse to continue a long term fulfilling relationship.

· So figure out these “essentials”. Prioritize these essentials as per what he thinks is important. You want him to like you so you should first take a stock of what he likes. Once you have listed the “essentials” evaluate which ones you have control over and which ones you don’t. Delete the ones you have no control over (skin color for example). They will just act as empty distractions for you if you keep them in.

· Now the list of “essentials” has only the ones you have control over. Keeping the prioritized list in front of you and depending on YOUR ability start building these “essentials” in your personality. When I say your abilities, I mean there will be some things that we cannot change in ourselves due to hard limitations. Like you said you have a poor memory which did not allow you to get a very high education. So if your husband expected a very highly qualified wife, then that may not happen, not immediately at least. So don’t worry about it for now. Focus on what you immediately can start working on.

If you adopt this process of slowly working towards the things you have control over, I am EXTREMELY confident that your husband will take notice of it and will start paying more attention to how and what you are changing to. He will come around. Things will definitely be WAY better for you than what they are now.

Wish you all the very best.

SS

 

Diana,

Priya sounds like such a nice and talented person. She deserves the best.

I really liked your advice about improving looks if possible. Not just because good looks get you noticed but mainly because I believe that any area in our life is worth improving on. Whether it is looks, skill set, nature, thought process, our personality, anything. Anything that can be made better should be made better.

The other thing she must do, if she already isn't, is to start asserting her strengths. Sometimes people will not notice your strengths until you point them out.

I wish Priya the best..

SS