Lots of problems with hubby and in-laws since my kid's birth...advice

Re: Please advice...

Hi Sihi,

I feel really sorry for you. I know the stress that you are going through. Being a working mother and having a lot of issues at home is extremely stressful. I am also a working mother. I also had a lot of problems after delivery with my husband and ended up having postpartum depression. Now things are getting much better.

IMHO you don't have to give anything to your husband in writting. Tell your husband that he slapped you so you dialled 911 to protect yourself and the kid. He has no business to slap you and if he hits you, you have every right to protect yourself and your child.

Has your husband always been like this or was he very loving before? My husband had always been very loving and supportive but after my delivery he became very short tempered and irritatable. He would be very cold and distant. Finally after a few months we did a blood test and we discovered that he was having severe hyperthyroid which was making him emotionally very unstable. The moment he was put on high medication there was a drastic difference in his behaviour. Hormone problems can really drive a person crazy. So if you husband is not behaving normally urge him to get a physical examination done.

When things were getting better I had a nasty fight with my MIL and the clock got reset again. I got more and more depressed day by day. One good thing that my husband did at that time was that he immediately build a fence around our family. He did not want any kind of inteference from his parents or my parents. So he told his parents not to come to our house for 2 years atleast. He clearly told his parents that he needs to first sort out issues in his family. He did not want my mom also to come but I did not agree to that idea because I wanted help. We had quite a bit of tension because of that. But eventually I am glad he did what he did. Now my mom is here with me but he does not talk to her much. But I don't bother about it and I told my mom also not to bother about it.

I found it very hard to forget the hardship we had gone through. Finallly I went to my PCP. She diagnosed me with postpartum depression and strongly encouraged me to start counselling. She put me on anti-depressants. I did not take the anti depressants but I started counselling. I used to feel very good after talking to her. Even if your husband is unwilling to come to counselling you can get individual counselling and it will help you a lot. You need some kind of support in these hard times. Don't try to fight it alone. Both me and my husband have started counselling and I find it really, really helpful. I tried individual counselling at first but later started marital counselling. My husband has also started doing meditation and I am seeing a positive change in him.

So in short do the following:
1) Encourage your husband to get a physical examination done and check his blood work.
2) Try to build a fence around your family and resolve the issues between you and your husband. Parents are our extended family.
3) Try to encourage him to come for counselling.
4) If you are feeling very depressed talk to your PCP or gynec and get individual counselling.
5) Take a family vacation or try to take some meditation class.
6) Pray to god and have faith things will become better.

I hope this helps.
Take care,
Kavya.

 

Re: Please advice...

Hi Sihi,
It is a very common issue tht the MIL comes into picture to create tensions in family.There are the good MIL's also but it is a pity to see that most of the issues in marital life is triggered by these MIL's.
I hav a a friend who lives with her hubby and kid and the In-Laws visit them once a while and when they go back the MIL creates and instills so much trouble that the fight continues till their next visit.My friend comes every day to office with a worried look and i cld find tht she had been cryin all night!I told her not to let anyone influence her family's happiness and sent her for counselling.In our company we have special ladies wing where professional counselling is given.Though her hubby said no for the counselling,she did go for herself and that did give a big change in her life.Now she is able to tackle things and slowly its getting back to normal.?Inbetween her MIL visited her and she did try her tricks but eventually dint work out.
It all depends on how u talk ur hubby into it! Professional counselling makes a huge impact.Everyone can advice and encourage you but a professional can really help u change the way u look at ur problems.
My friend first was not interested in the counselling cause she thought it is not goin to make big difference.What she thght was the person is again goin to advice like how her friends and others do.But after she attended it she really felt the difference.

So Sihi, don't talk to ur hubby abt counselling but you try to get a counsellor and talk.It will help u dear!
And never burst out ur emotions to ur hubby.
Don't bring the topic of ur fight when u talk.Talk other things and try to bring in a good vibration between u both but never talk abt the fight.
When u feel u both are getting gelled well then talk to him abt how to avoid future fights and never dicuss abt the past.
But I am surprised that he dint care for ur kid when he was angry.That shows he was totally out of control and mayb like how Kavya mentioned u shld have him medically examined!But talking him into it is the difficult task and that entirely depends on ur skills!!

Hope for the best,
Jaya

 

Re: Please advice...

Dear Sihi

Missed you a lot in this forum...saw your mesg asking for counselling sometime back and I guessed that something was wrong,since you had already mentioned about your problems with husband and in-laws a long time back in this same forum itself.

I frankly feel your hubby has no sense to think for himself and his wife and kid.Everytime his parents say something,he believes them blindly.Sorry,if I hurt your feelings by saying this.Now it has gone to this extent that he has no faith in this relationship and wants everything that you say in writing!!

You are right,he is trying to corner you,be very careful now.I sincerely feel you need a break and I think you are thinking in the right direction. I agree with what all the others have said and if nothing else works,do go back to India to your parents with your kid and find a job for yourself there. Maybe before that you can take a break from your work for 1 or 2 weeks and see if that helps.All the best.

 

Re: Please advice...

Hi Sihi,

I am sorry that you are going through such a hard time. If your husband is not willing to go for counselling alone try to go for individual counselling. Since you are working your behavioral health insurance will allow you to take a certain number of free sessions. It is worth it. It is absolutely crazy to involve elders in sorting out our problems. Professional help is far better.

Probably your husband is also going through some kind of depression. Try to convince him to see his PCP and get his physical done.

All the best.

Kavya.

 

Dear Sihi,

I really feel for you. I have been there. Me and hubby had arguments and fights for 3+ yrs after the birth of my first child. It was terrible! This was due to missed and unreasonable (of course according to me) expectations from mil.

But I will tell you one thing Sihi, first and foremost give a good thought to whether you really care about your relationship. At the bottom of your heart do you love him still? Do you think if he’d changed his ways, you would like to continue with him and lead a happy life? That is the key. You will be able to come up with some solutions or even endure some things if you think the person you are dealing with is worth the trouble. I am telling you from experience. For me that was the only thing that kept me in the relationship and made me try different things to make the relationship good like it used to be before. Finally all the troubles are just a past now and we are living happily. IL’s can cause a BIG misunderstandings and HUGE rifts between husband and wife. We have to see what we value in the relationship and work accordingly. I know that when are going through the post partum phase it is very very hard to think practically, we are very emotional at this time.

But please do evaluate whether you’d be really happy saving your relationship. Once you confirm either way then you can take actions accordingly.

If you do think that this person is worth spending the rest of your life with then there are small and sure steps you can take to slowly get him and you there.

You said in one of your posts that your husband loves your kid. Tell him that you really want him to enjoy the kid. Because of the differences between the two of you, you don’t think he should be deprived of the pleasure of being a Dad. You need to “attach” him somewhere with your world. Slowly get him to spend some time playing with your kid (even if it is for15 mins a day) then may be send your kid with him when he goes out for groceries or shopping then to the park. Make him feel like he is still a part of the family.

If he brings up the topic of giving in writing about that 911 call, try to avoid answering it temporarily.

When a person is in a negative frame of mind they will not hear/think anything with a reasonable mind. So first try to get him out of the negativity. Which also means that you too will have to put aside some of your negativity towards him.

I am not sure if going away from him will help the relationship much, if at all. It may help you in terms of getting the much needed help you need. But if you can get some help with the household chores, cooking or some other stuff that will help you simplify your day to day life here then do that. You can stay here with him and yet assert your independence by trying to find some support outside of him (like talking to a girl friend, doing some activity with her, going to one of the bookstores like Barnes and Noble etc and reading some books).

And please vent out as much and as often you want. If you bottle things up they get worse. So find someone you can vent out to. I firmly believe that you need good friends you can vent out to, to supplement a good marriage.

I took a Yoga class and did meditation and that REALLY helped me. This was a 5 day evening class (for about 2 hrs so that working women like us can attend). I think first this class served as a great forum to just divert my mind in a good way. The teacher had come from India, an elderly spiritual man, and the discourses he gave every evening were about life in general, the challenges we face, our emotions- the kind of stuff that we all get troubled with in every day life. Hearing that gave me a ray of hope that everyone goes through these dilemmas in one way or the other and mostly gave me the much needed "self reliance" that I was lacking that if I need to change things in my life, I have to do it for myself. That's when I started taking charge of things and started working in a positive and a solution oriented way rather than a purely emotional one.


If you think that this person is someone you had once loved and is a good person at heart then I am very confident that you can get over this hump and make it work again.

Wish you all the very best.
SS

 

Hi Sihi,

You can go for counseling during the daytime also. Would it not be possible to get permission from work for just an hour once a week. You can also try and get lunch time appointments. It will help you a lot to handle this stress. The reason that I am writting to you so frequently is that I am also a working mom with a 15 month old toddler. So I can perfectly understand your situation. It is so hard to balance home and work and added to that if there are so many problems at home it makes life soo hard. Things are gradually getting better for me. I have still not completely recovered from my depression.

My husband also acted crazy after my delivery. Once over a very silly issue he sent an email to my parents and his parents telling me that he will get complete custody of my son and kick me out of the house. This was just 2 months after my delivery. I felt so humiliated. Finally the next month we found out he was having severe hyper thyroid. This was causing him to be so unstable. There are lot of medical problems like thyroid issues, depression and hypertension that cause lot of psycological problems. These problems can be treated and NEED to be treated. We think that it is the personality of the person and external issues that are causing the person to behave the way they are behaving. But it is not true. It is their medical condition which might have been aggravated by external conditions that are causing them to behave irrationally. Hyperthyroid problems affect the heart very adversely. My husband told me that even after a small fight his heart would beat soo rapidly. So before you go to India somehow convince your husband to take a physical examination. I am sure that he is suffering just like you.

It is good that you have still not lost your perspective. I still feel very depressed and angry many times. Sometimes I cannot concentrate in my work. Talking to other ladies in this forum is helping me a little bit. All the best Sihi.

Kavya.

 

Hi,

What is the name of the yoga and meditation program that you took. I am searching for a good program that will help me deal with my postpartum issues.

Kavya.