feeling unloved - DH not available emotionally/physically

headspin · May 21, 2011

hi friends,

im here today very confused.

background as most know - married for 3 yrs. got a 1.5 yr old DS. living with in laws. im a full time working mother.

now the issue - of late i feel that dh does not like spending time with me. weekdays he is busy entire time. comes home only by 9.30 pm and then watches match til 11.30 . by then im asleep.

weekends, he wants to have fun/meet/hang around with friends. never talks about talking /cozying or spending time with me. its always me who has to ask him to spend time

im so hurt - feel neglected. the more i tel him to spend time, the more he gets angry. the more we fight. im wondering whats the solution - should i do the silent treatment/ignore him and act as if i don't need him?

should i not tel him to spend time so that he realizes on his own? im so upset - all weekdays im busy with work, baby and so pooped. he is not available emotionally to me. i feel left out and unloved... dunno what to do.

my heart is crying for his presence near me. its so difficult. but my mind says - the more i beg him, the more he wil treat me like ****...

please help me friends ..

DevikaS · May 21, 2011

In the weekend. U need to leave the baby at home & go out to lunch / parlor with friends. Have your own fun. Then your hubby will get idea.

Mahanu · May 22, 2011

Sometimes the attitude of taken for granted will also make bestow less or no attention on a person. Since you are there to take care of all his needs at home, he may feel free during weekends and wish to hang around with friends. Make him feel your absence. Then he will come to you by himselves.

If possible, take leave for some time and go to your parents place. See whether that brings any change in him. I think this treatment will make him feel the pinch.

Reflection123 · May 22, 2011

At a point of time I craved for my husband so much...and he was so unavailable....that after too much longing and then a phase of numbness I didn't want him anymore.....started looking for my own life!

Now that I have changed....He wants me ALL the time, seeks so much attention..which is just too annoying, I don't want him around me.

Change yourself as you can't change the other person....get your life...make friends ..have a social circle...read books...develop your interests and personality...its your life and you owe it to yourself to make it nice and happy, whether anyone is there for you or not. If he doesn't care, let it be his loss!

redgems · May 22, 2011

you both have a lot of stuff going on. i would suggest you pick a weekend afternoon or evening and make it alone time. go out for dinner, shopping, whatever. just you and him - tell him in advance so its not coinciding with his 'friend' time. maybe there'll be a heart to heart and you can both get back on the same page

as others have also said, get back your 'own life' so that youre not always mad about being lonely or alone.

good luck!

headspin · May 24, 2011

thanks for the support.
but asking for weekend from him also is a fight. and the main Q- baby? if we take him, i wil be full busy. and we cannot go leaving DS with in-laws. they wil not let us be there in peace..

but frankly - im so so so stressed. not slept a single night without waking up twice from the time DS is born. and DH never helps me with the baby. reason - if he wakes up even once - he cannot drive the next day and blackmails telling he will have an accident due to lack of sleep (he drives 45 km to work one side). i have tried tried all ways and reasons - nothing works with DH. he is too dominating. i have given up.

problem is-im not able to find peace within. i crave for the love talks, touch, the hugging, etc. i dont miss sex (he manages it by forcing me emotinally) because for me its important that i feel good from within and then sex will follow. but men dont understnad.

hobbies - i used to have some - reading books, travelling, movies, etc. now - nothing is possible thanks to DS. end of day im pooped and dont feel like reading a book. im so emotianally tired - that i want cozy arms to hug me and warm body. but all i get is cold bed and empty air... .

i feel more and more despaired by each day. last night and this morning - dh and i fought - for all silly reasons. in front of mil. im super upset that he insulted me left, right and centre in front of mil. and till now there is no apology.

i dont know what wrong i did. he doesnt like my individuality and wants me to be totally like how he and his family is - same likes, dislikes, food tastes, thoughts, fears, etc (we are inter caste - yes, we spoke a lot about things in the begining, but totday everything ihe has forgotten). he wants me to change completely like them. i dont want to give false hopes - so i told him i cant. atleast not so soon. maybe after 10 yrs or so. but im feeling claustrphobic that im pressured to like/dislike everything his family does/doesnt.

im literally exhausted. wanna just leave everything and go somewhere far away. but cant - thinking of DS. mother's place - it doesnt matter to him. i was there for a month - he was more than happy because he got to meet his friends every single day. no one to stop him, question him, nag him. if i be silent also - he wil ask in front of in laws why im not talking. then same old things will start.

during good times i tel him some of my feelings, he wil bring that all out in front of in-laws during our fights... . i regret/feel scared tot ell anything to him now. but very hard to keep it within myself. i never had any close friends from school days. had my cousins only. now they all are married ans settled abroad in their lives. miss having a close friend - whom i can pour out everything to. i dont mind IL - but i miss someone i can hug in person and cry my heart out. someoe who will not judge me, who wil accept and let me be myself... i so badly wanna miss havign someone so close .

anways - one thing is sure - to ge some peace among us - i have to listen to him totally. not sure if i will be able to do that also.. lets see..

maya69 · May 24, 2011

Headspin,

Looks like the idea of being a father has not sunk in with your DH yet. When that does he will again appreciate you as well.

I understand that you are missing your DH but like you said the more you beg, the more he will run the opposite way. So in the mean time try to concentrate on your DS so that you can concentrate on your health. If he is not already doing so, work on getting DS to sleep through the night so that you are better rested to deal with the day time drama. If your DH doesn't help then handle it on your own. It is worse to stress out about DH not helping than to just accept and do the best you can at this point. Please enjoy the moments you have with your son right now instead of what you don't have with dh. Take DS to the park and meet other women with kids who are in the same boat. some of the good friends I have made are the moms of my children's friends. and even if our kids don't hang out together anymore, we moms are still friends.

Thinking back to when my dd was that age, it was very stressful time in life as well.... with my inlaws having moved in, my confidence low from having quit my job, dd not sleeping well, I just felt they were my zombie years. I did not know who I was. But things got better. Now 10yrs later kids are still needy and there is still stress but in a different way. My DH travels a lot, at first I used to be upset at not having help but then I quit worrying and decided to handle all kids activities as if DH wont be there. I started to enjoy my time with kids in the car, chatting with them as it was me and kids time only.

I am not sure how to get your DH to spend more time with you. Maybe once his friends settle down and have kids then he will also realize.

Things will get easier as your child grows up. Your individuality does not have to disappear but might have to be dormant for a little while it goes through this rough patch.

Just hang in there.

headspin · May 24, 2011

right now - frankly - i cant relate to being indifferent to DH being around or not. maybe as i grow older and have experience, will become mature and not care ..

thanks maya.. reassuring words .

sindura16 · May 24, 2011

You need to change somethings in you ...first and fore most start getting ready nicely that gives you some boost and energy

now think about what your husband is suggesting you to change...pick one or two that you can think you can change and work on it...don't try n force yourself but try...

leaving you DS with your in-laws should not be a problem..if they call you every 5 mins ...give them same answer..please use this elderly help wisely...you plan accordingly...

take time for your self and start enjoying life in your way..life is not all about kids and husband ..you r an individual and you can do many things... if u start respcting yourself without cribbing or crying then only people around you will start respecting you..

ilovelife · May 24, 2011

Dear Headspin..

I can only say you are not alone friend. i am sailing in the same boat and i dont have a kid too.. so you can imagine..

i dont know why we girls are soo dependent on spouses while they are not, the fact is we give them everything even before they ask for it,, before they could feel they are lacking somthing.. the more independent we are the more they will be attracted to us, as we start being dependent on them they will start ignoreing us and take us for granted...

somehow we should find ways and start thinking independently..they may help us..

anyways i suggest you dont get stressed and take care of your health.. be positive and expect best is yet to come...