Long distance marriage and how to keep marriage kindled!!!

Regarding ongoing discussion,I would like to add my 2 cents saying that being independent definitely gives one personal satisfaction.also,i feel at this point of time (after 2 n half years of marriage) I still love my parents the most.having said these things...if I had to live separately from my husband..I would try for 1 or 2 years...but I would not agree for years together,because we marry to stay with the person thick or thin.I would want to be a pillar of support to my husband when he needs me,because that was what I promised him at the time of marriage.
And no,it is not only one way,it works both ways.I have to make a big career decision in a month..and if need be,my husband has agreed to come along with me till I'm done with my work.even if he can't...no worries....I will still be happy because at least he tried.
Also,like I said..one must try to be independent..but it is wrong to be egoistic in the name of being independent...when we marry,we promise each other that no matter what,we will work out our differences and if need be make adjustments or sacrifices.In my opinion,that is the essence of marriage...whether you work or be a sahm.

Edit...forgot to address op...how to keep marriage kindled?
Hoping that you unite with your hubby soon....you can always keep a particular time to speak to him..ask him how his day was,did he have any problems...when he is relatively free,you can also be romantic during the talks,crack jokes to build up humor (make sure you have a joke list ready !) etc.during weekends,try to meet up.

 

Dear CP,

I think you have misunderstood our posts and confused so much about the discussion just like the way you are confused in your life.

Just because you think that you are a feminist and do not want to bend/fall on men's legs for anything and your own marital life has lots of confusions, hence you decided to stay apart, doesnt mean you have the eligibility to strongly suggest the same to the OP who misses her DH and the marital life and hence faces mood swings issues.

It is like, I hate my DH and applied for divorce.. So, I happily suggest all the couples in marital problems to apply for divorce, coz I see nothing wrong in it. But it is indeed WRONG.

It is out of the subject... The discussion is not about your relationship with your parents or siblings, but about marital relationship.

Unlike other relationships, a marriage needs lots of works to build a strong bond between the spouses. And there needs a strong foundation at the begining. That's why we repeatedly say the spouses must live together atleast during the initial days of their marital life to build a long lasting happy marriage life. But it depends on the person's priorities and other major factors such as economy, health, etc..etc...

Good for you
If I were you, I would be also looking for a long distance relationship than living together like this... But not all the long distance relationship are like yours. There are people who really misses each other, wants to live together, but due to some of their other priorities they live apart and regret for it.

There is nothing wrong... BTW, Who said it is wrong?
It is one's priority and that is him/her.

But I personally feel such a person who priorities his/her other relationships than his spouse doesnt qualify to advice on marriage forums/about marital life and bonding of spouses. JMO.

It is like a murderer advicing about peace and harmoney

 

Dear Meena,

You are right.. Everyone opts for such long distance relationship due to some very important need of theirs. Its good to make it as short as possible and I am happy that you guys have finally decided NOT to take up any assignments in the near future. Good for you

For the time being, you can take this opportunity to MISS your DH and LOVE him more and more as much as you can. Also you can try your best to change your faults and prepare yourself for a wonderful life together. Skype and TP chats together with monthly meetings would be fine for this short break.... Go ahead

Btw, you are not a dumb, but a real loving wife... This is something call love and bonding. It is NOT that you are not capable enough to handle your own matters, but you feel much comfortable and happy to discuss everything with your DH before doing it. Thats nothing but LOVE.

Do not let your long distance relationship to kill this bonding... Because many people get used to live alone and handle their matters on their own due to such separation, hence they lose the bonding and love at the end. They will stop missing each other and so the marriage will be so machanical

 

Tugga,

Did I at any point suggest the OP what do to with her life. Hell no.I was clearing stating don't just jump to the conclusions that if living with your DH and loved ones worked out fine for you and your DH is top priority everyone should be the same..Pls quit generalizing...It's not a crime to have priorities different from what you have

I think you are confused with the present and past tense of the English language. I never said we "are" living as strangers ..I said we "were"

Just for your kind information I know my priorities in life and those are "crystal clear" and If me being independent sounds as feminist to you I don't know what else I can say. So if I have to be a normal wife do I suck up to my DH at every instance...Sorry am not wired that way.I can't lose my self-respect ..PERIOD.

Quit generalizing..If "I" were "you" or whatever doesn't make any sense because my priorities are different and my outlook at life is..I can just say If I were you I wouldn't work in a country or in a job where there is no proper food, far far away from family just for money..What is the point in earning that kind of money...?? I can just sit at home and eat the cheapest food around..But like I said am not you and I can't generalize or be rude to whoever doesn't agree with my views.And also In the same way I just hate people who say DH is demi-god or ask DH to chose between mother/wife.

I know I don't agree with your views and hence touched a nerve and your are infact confused with whatever I said..

Peace out !!..I hope you know there is something called ..Live and let live

Just to add: I brought the topic of my parents /sibling up just to make it clear that just because am away from both of them doesn't mean I don't ove and respect them and value money over anything..Also can you point me to exact post/posts where I asked the OP to stay away from DH or any other post where I gave "stupid" advices in this forum..Am just curious

 

No, I wasn't suggesting that. But it's odd you view staying with dh as tagging along or leeching on. So the women who come on dependent visas... they are just "leeching on"? I guess I must be leeching on too right now, since I'm not working. And guess my mom and mil leeched too. But none of us feel like leeches! I guess because we view housework and child stuff and all that as equally demanding as paid work.

Also, I never said stop loving your parents or siblings. I'm married and still love my family too . It's just that you seem to love them more than your dh. Which I guess is not wrong, it's just different from my views on relationships, and hence I was surprised. But I suppose I should widen my views and understand all relationships aren't the same, and maybe you have a reason to prioritize your family first. I guess I'm modern in some ways, but too traditional in other ways... like spouses should live together, spouse becomes your new life, etc. Maybe that makes me seem like woman from 15th century? :crazy

Anyways thanks for explaining your views to me further. It helped me to understand your perspective and broaden my views.

 

Meena,

Would it be possible for you and your dh to take paid vaccation from work at the same time, and then go on a vaccation together? That might be a fun way to spend more than just a weekend together.

 

Meena,

Long distance relationships are hard to handle. But, it is doable. Talk everyday, use skype, write e-mails and just wait for each other:crazy. Although I think that couples should ideally be living with each other (like Tugga and ASG have mentioned), sometimes life does throw such situations and we need to sail through it. Try to work on moving with each other: Either you move or let DH move. Also, take vacations(ASG has also mentioned this). I was in a lon distance relationship 6 months before marriage and 4 months after it. It was hell!! One thing that we had done was, write a mail about the daily happenings to the other person at the end of the day. This makes you feel as though you are 'connected' to each other. Talking on the phone was the main weapon for us to kill missing each other. my phone bills used to run in several thousands. It used to be long distance calls from India to US:hide:. Same way, DH too had long bills.
Just hang in there...this phase will pass too:thumbsup

 

Well said ASG:thumbsup, I loved your posts in this thread

 

This is so true Tugga. Loved it