Newlywed and my husband has a chinese lover

Yes, you are correct Vinitha.
Irrespective of personal choice of having inter-racial relationship, one need to have minimum sense about the culture and traditions we came from. Lets forget abt his past affairs and hiding things. Atleast, he need to be in good standing even after marriage. Not even a single positive point is found in his side. Think carefully Vinitha and make a good decision. We should not encourage these kind of guys anymore not even giving chances.

Om Sairam

 

I agree that if he had been voluntarily disclosing the information to you it would have saved the trouble. But he did not voluntarily disclose it nor did he directly lie since you or family never asked prior to marriage, so lets leave that aside.

The important thing to focus on is:
1. Extra marrital affair now - get a confirmation on that.

2. You have the right to ask him to be tested for Sexually Transmitted disease with a doctor. Take precaution and get him tested before you consent to anything, and maybe get yourself tested too for safety. Dont neglect this, and insist on this with him.

3. If in anycase, you cannot accept him - better to move out.

 

Vinitha

There is a lot of mix up in what you are saying? If your husband HAD an affair and love and sex before his marriage, it wouldnt matter ...you cannot base that and file divorce as that is his past....

However if he is STILL in touch with that lady and is communicating with her, being intimate with her , then ITS your problem.

What is upsetting you? his past or the present?

So if you have all the proofs that he is STILL intouch with that woman, why dont you get that proof and how him why youare making it a big deal and why you are nagging him (if thats what he calls it as)

If you keep cribbing over past, he wont look at the current problem at hand. i.e he still being in touch with that lady.

So Ask yourself..As Ranchu said...If he is ready to let go of it now, after you give a warning and after you let both side parents know whats happening.....if things get back to normal...ARE YOU READY to LEAD a normal life with this guy...

Think about what ever Spidey said..yes its my stance too....what your husband chooses before his marraige is not your worry area...you had a choice to get a good back ground check done...but you didnt so if he had told lies or not at that time, doesnt mean anything now. If you were so particular about all this stuff, you should have planned to get good and thorough check done on all bridegrooms.

So ask yourself..what ever you are feeling is it because of the past or the present? is it because of the past that you are not able to beleive that he would change? CAN YOU give him a WARNING and see whehter things change? Put some ground rules that he has to give you access to his cellphone and bank records and credit card biills etc...Anything he denies or says no to...please involve parents and take it from there..see what is his stand infront of them and also how his parents react to all this...if things still dont improve...you know better what to do...rather than being in something that hurts you every day..better to walk out with your dignity and plan your life ahead..that way only 5 months of your time would be wasted and you would be saved lifes worth of pain

 

Vinitha,
I understand your situation. As Srividya said, take his PRESENT only into consideration and try to deal with it as far as you can. And if you dont see any positive sign in this issue, (i mean after trying everything), wait till your sibling's marriage and then move out. Try to make a positive decision rather than getting annoyed by the situation. Life itself is the mixture of happiness and hurdles. And if you want to go for annulment, our other IL mates will guide u.
Hope you feel better soon.
Om Sairam

 

One thing here is...if you walk out with dignity atleast your sister and your parents would be more careful while getting your sister married. Instead if you keep quiet in the name of family, what if your sister also gets into the same trauma?? isnt it your fault then?

Also make peace with HIS PAST. Its of no use fretting over past. But yes showing PROOFS that he is still intouch with this lady and ASKING him for an explanation and giving him a warning, and involving both side parents would shake him UP and he would mind his limits.

Remember one thing, he knows your pulse very well. If he finds you weak (for what so ever lame reasons you gave) , I guess by this time he already guazed you as to how much you can/cannot take it...so now that he saw you kept quiet all these months, slowly might be he is reviving his contacts with that lady...who knows...

So the moment you make all this a big deal...he would STOP...if you keep quiet in the name of society, sister or family or what ever it is...he would further cash on it..and by the time you come out of all this mess...you would feel useless and mentally and emotionally tired..and god knows if you end up having a baby..thats the worstest case...(read threads in the life without spouse section you would know what i am saying...) every woman can read the warning signals..but when the women ignore those warning signals , and hope that things would be normal or they cant face society or that they dont want to hurt heir parents or family etc..thats what makes the life more unbearable.so think what you are doing and act according to it..DONT GIVE REASONS for your inability to take action. Certainly your parents and sister are not the reason here..you are the only reason.

 

or he may continue with her (chinese friend) silently and carefully underground after telling the world that he is going to "stop".
Unless there is trust, this wont work.

 

Spidey

Keeping quiet certainly wont help...and if inspite of she making it a big deal and still he continues...its evident that he wont change..

Frankly speaking its hard for such a man to change...love affairs are different and such sexual affairs are diff. (just my thought ...) he seems to have physical affair with this lady...its not emotional...so he cant stop himself ...

TRUST cant be built over night...it needs lots and lots of time...what if after couple of years OP realises he still is the same and she is not able to build that trust!!

TRUST is broken the minute she got to see the proofs of her husband STILL being in touch with that lady..so no point in talking about trust here...that is totally a diff topic

Also just to add....Unless OPs husband comes forward to change, I dont think we can use the word TRUST here...so far..OP is the only one who keeps telling him to STOP and he says he has no idea what she is talking about and this lady has all the proofs so what does that say?? that he is still having his cake and eating it too in the background silently...but denies it...So best thing is get upfront...straight infront everything...remove his mask infront of his family and make it clear and give warning see how it goes..and drop it totally when things are not showing any signs of change...no point in fretting over such people...these habits cant be changed over night

 

Oh, I'm not saying she keep quiet. She should take it up with family. However, I'm just saying he may outwardly appease her and family saying he will stop, and then it may continue quietly. And it may be hard for vinitha to find out the quiet underground activity.

So, just telling them may not stop the activity. I'm not sure what the solution is. If the guy wont change, he just wont and will do hidden activities.