Manipulative, possessive ILs..pls help

seekingpeace · Jun 26, 2010

Hi,

After reading so many blogs and threads, I thought I will vent out my frusturations and experiences here! And thanks in advance for reading my lenghty post.Ours was a love marriage ..inter case, but same religion. I knew my DH for 5 years before marriage and had faced lot of issues with his parents before marriage itself...as they never approved of me wholeheartedly and always came with some issue...Like all DH, mine is
also a Mamma's boy ( only son) and supported them most of the time always quoting that they are insecure because of me....My ILs are very much dependent on my DH financially..so thats DH's reason for ILs to fight with me.. Now its been over an year of marriage and almost 99% of our fights are because of my ILs which my DH refuses to believe ..Me and my DH are in one city while my ILs are in a nearby city ( 6 hrs travel max ).Also since my ILs are very much dependent on my DH fin, they are planning to move in soon, which I dont want coz am sure they will create more fights btwn us.To give a brief background...

Abt me: I am from a family where we dont fight much and respect each other's privacy..am very indep by nature and very practical and frank and bold..I cannot shut my mouth when someone talks nonsense abt my family
My DH: He loves me a lot ( now am not too sure)..he supports me in my work and at home and is very caring and helpful except when it comes to his parents... He has beaten me abt 4-5 times in this one year and this is only when i talk abt his parents ( their cunning ways) abt his parents to him.. when DH is angry, he talks nonsense abt me , my family and what not...( this was there bfre marriage...but toned down and now again its high)....

MY MIL: Extremely cunning n manipulative..she separated her husband from his Mother and my FIL doesnt even visit his mother who is in her deathbed, thanks to my MIL...he has cut off all relationship with his siblings n all . Extremely possessve abt her son, my DH...has to talk to him every 2 hrs over phone ( we are in diff cities) else she fights with him saying that i have seperated him from her and thats why he is not picking up phone/talking... Beleive me ,,she did this in our Honeymoon...DH did not pick up call as he was playing chess with someone and she kept calling and he kept cutting the call..after few hrs she and my FIL started screaming:rant to DH that i have mesmerized him and all crap....cant believe anyone would talk like that to their son and that too just a few days after marriage...!! MIL is a drama queen...she claims she cannot sleep whenever he fights with her..cries every time she leaves our house and cries over phone that she misses him ( even though she sees him everymonth)...and does everything one can imagine.. Fights with her siblings, one by one and hten her parents and then me..and then the same circle again and again...She likes to control everyone and even tried to make me wear a saree of her choice in some marriage...this resulted in DH beating me and finally me wearing some other saree...

FIL: He is a mouthpiece of my MIL. my DH has said this...he cannot think on his own.and does whatever my MIL tells him..cannot see reason..Each sentence that comes out of his mouth talks abt "Giving Respect to him" ..and fights with all relatives saying that they dont respect him....

The story so far
Its been over a year of marriage and have had lots of fights due to my ILs...then in March/apr..after going through various blogs here..i stopped complaining abt my ILs to DH and started being very tactful and diplomatic when i was talking to my ILs..never gave them the exact answers on major decisions since that wud give them the opportunity to interfere and create fights between us...i started ignoring all comments and taunts and focussed on being a loving wife...this worked really well and DH even commented "i dunno if u have changed or pretending.but i love u more now'....this was all good till a month back when problems again started..

For our anniversary, my parents decided to visit us and i told DH a month bfre our anniversary abt this plan and also told that his parents can come bfre anniversary and leave after we celebrate...with 2 days overlap btwn my parents n ILs...DH agreed and called his parents who refused saying they would come later...Then just a week bfre our anniversary MIL cried that she wants to see DH and they cant come now coz of our parents and all..started blaming my parents for them not being able to spend the d-day with us..FIL started shouting over phone how dare my parents come without asking their permission as it was FIL's house ( since he is head of the house ) DH was arguing with them trying to reason out and inbetween started getting angry with me .i got very angry and called FIL and asked him if he could allow us to enjoy our anniv. to which he again started shouting at me/my family...I just responded"thanks for ur answer uncle, am keepng the phone, bye" and kept the phone... ( earlier ILs complained that i hung up phone without saying bye once)

Later to DH i calmly reasoned that we gave them the option of visiting which they refused..things were find between me and DH... Our anniversary came and we cudnt enjoy it as ILs were calling DH every 1 hr and shouting at him for supporting me ...so even though my parents were here..we never enjoyed...and in between ILs called my parents and complained that i dont respect them and blah blah..i told my dad not to take
it seriously..and DH was behaving very nicely with my parents so we were all fine. me and DH were happy together even though ILs were eating DHs head till my parents left..

Immediately on the same day my parents left, ILs came here..and were very silent did not talk much..the next day after i went to office, DH and ILs had a huge fights and DH and ILs did not speak to each other for the next 2 days..even though we were all living in same house...ILs did not speak to me also..though i was being the nice wife and asked my DH to patch up with ILs saying they are old...forgive...etc...
After 2 days, they patched up and whne I returned home, ILs were acting as if nothing had happened and as if they are one big happy happy family...i got very irritated and angry after seeing their behavior as they did not even apologize or say anythign for runing our anniv..so i limited my interactions with them..DH got angry with me and when I told him the reason, he was like , the anniversary was spoilt for them also, and it was all due to ur parents,why should they apologize etc...i got very angry.ILs left 3 days back happily as their son was talking and thier fight is over.

Now, DH was very angry that i did not speak to his parents properly and 2 days back when we fought again he beat me as i spoke badly of his parents( i said the truth which he was not able to digest) and again the next night we fought and he beat me again..he was saying on both days ' be submissive'..a wife should be submissive ( This is wat FIL says almost daily ..that a wife should be submissive otherwise family will not be good..blah blah)..the next day was my bday..which my DH did not even wish for ( i didnt expect him also with all the fights) and anyways now i dont know how to bring back things to normal..DH doesnt trust me ..when he was angry he was telling that i did this and that delibrately to my ILs ( which I did not..MIL manipulated those
incidents..) I dont want to justify to my DH as am tired of justifying my actions everytime...to my DH and ILs but dunno how else to make my DH see reason...

In short its been a week since my DH and i spoke to each other properly..and i still am angry that he beat me even though he promised last time over my life that he will not hit me again

1) should i also put drama like my MIL for each and everything
2) should i just be the loving wife and not complain and hope that DH trusts me?
3) should i fight dir with inlaws
4) am thinking of moving out of house when ILs come and fight next time..i can stay with friends..i think this will scare them and my DH and maybe not fight too much with me next time?
5) how do i make DH stop talking to them like 10 times a day? a month after marriage MIL complained to DH that he talks less now than bfre and he was talking 10 times a day then!! They call at night and at times at midnight and its very irritating no matter how much i try to ignore..they want to know each and every thing that he does and what i cook and what i do...its over an year and its not decreasing at all..even if he doesnt call they call and demand why he didnt call? talking daily is ok..but 10 times a day???
6) How should i make DH not to hit me ever again..should i leave house for a few days or what should i do? maybe pretend to do self harm?

Right now am just cleaning and cooking and talking to DH only to call him for food. he also doesnt talk to me while he talks every 2 hrs to ILs..

thanks for reading it all..pls advise!!

ars · Jun 27, 2010

OMG
Physical abuse so many times. Call the cops. Every one incouding H needs a wakeup call.

Coffeelover · Jun 27, 2010

No one has the right to beat anyone. That is very wrong. Talk ot professional marriage councilors. Don't take the abuse. Not worth it.

Good luck

asuitablegirl · Jun 27, 2010

You say he loves you. Yet, he beats you. I don't know about your definition of love, but the people in my life who say they love me, don't beat me! To an outsider... it sounds like he "loves" you as long as you suffer in silence. I don't know how you can stay with somebody who is so volatile. His parents are clearly harassing both you and him... the amount of telephone calls and their shouting is really sick. And I hope you see that your dh's behavior is soooo wrong. Instead of putting a stop to the headache his parents are causing you both, he is adding to the problem by getting violent! :notthatway:

I think since this beating this has happened so many times before, it is safe to say it will happen again. It's also safe to say, his parents are his trigger point for the beatings. They shouldn't be coming to live with you. No way. If you are getting beaten this often with them instigating over the phone... just imagine what it will be like when they are there 24/7. Living with them is a BAD idea. Very, very bad. If they come to stay, you should move out. You and them are just not meant to coexist under one roof. I'm afraid that things will turn even more ugly (and dangerous) for you, if they come to stay.

The problem is, your husband would have to WANT to stop all this. Frankly, the mid night calls to mommy, 10 times a day chats, beating you over his blind loyalty to his folks.... it is way too much. They are trying to do everything they can to disturb the peace, and your husband is allowing it. It seems a lot of times in a love marriage, the guy feels like "Already I let down my parents once, I will NEVER go against them again", and then they proceed to make the wife's life hell out of their own sense of guilt.

If you were my sister, I would tell you to move back to parents house until the issues with your husband are sorted out. Normally I don't advise leaving the house, but you are in physical (perhaps mortal) danger. Lot of times abusers escalate their abuse bit by bit. Suppose he puts his hands around your throat to shake you, and accidently chokes you? Or you fall and hit your head? I think you know the possibilities. He has no self control. Until he gets some, I think you need to put some distance between yourself and his temper.

When you want to discuss issues with him, meet in a public place where he can't harm you. Tell him that HE is letting his parents damage your marriage and that you can't tolerate it anymore. You need to tell him you are NOT ok with them coming to live with you. And that unless he seeks REAL help for his anger issues, you aren't coming back because you are scared for your life. Tell him what you have told me. That the midnight calls are ridiculous. That you are tired of him letting his mom shout at you and control the mood in your home. From your post it seems like you still love him, so let him know that too. But tell him that love is not enough! You also need safety, respect, and a peaceful home.

Then if he wants to comply with all that, it is up to him. If he doesn't want to, then it's up to you to make a decision. Either continue to cope up with beatings and harassment from inlaws, or move on. And please keep in mind, someday you will have kids. Is this the type of man you see being the father to your children? If you have a daughter, do you want her to learn that it's ok for a man to wallop his wife? All stuff you need to think about. Hopefully if you take a bold step, he will be forced to do some soul searching and perhaps he will change his ways. What you were doing before (i.e. not talking about his parents, allowing them to meddle, and your dh saying he loved you more now) was just a band aid on a boo boo. It didn't fix the problem. In a marriage, you shouldn't have to bottle up your pain. If your husband doesn't want to hear about the problems you have with his parents, TOO BAD FOR HIM. If he doesn't want to hear negative things about his parents, then he should not let those rabid dogs call at all hours of the night or inspire him to beat you.

Your life sucks, and the only one who can un-suck it is YOU. Reach out to your parents. Get yourself out of harm's way. And then try to fix the damage in your marriage. Your husband isn't going to take the first step. So let it begin with you.

Stay safe.

aruna_077 · Jun 27, 2010

Hi,

First of all, its good that you are reading the blogs here and learning how to handle. And you were successful too.... For that :thumbsup

Coming to your anniversary - Your dh behaved well with your parents. :thumbsup to your dh.

Your ILs came after your parents left...and there was a fight between dh and ILs...they dint speak for 2 days...you behaved like a good dil and tried to patch them up. But when they did patch up, WHY did you demand an apology from your ILs?

I guess here is wer you went wrong. You dint hv to really get into son-parents affairs. I agree they spoiled your anniv... But demanding an apology will never work!

You have been so patient all along. You could have just ignored.

JMO!!

amniki said: ↑

Hi,

The story so far
Click to expand...

aruna_077 · Jun 27, 2010

And yea....Make sure ur H does'nt beat you anymore!!

Do what it takes......to stop this abuse!

seekingpeace · Jun 27, 2010

Hi Everyone,

Thanks soo much for reading and giving ur suggestions....

you are right @suitable girl...if they come and live here..my life will get more worse...they have not decided when they will come and settle with them....dunno how to stop...when it happens...coz they do so much emotional torture to get things in their way!!

as for abuse, i know it has to stop...i havent told my parents yet as they like him.,..and he is really sweet otherwise..except for this hitting which happens only coz of their parents...

for now i have told him that i will not attend his cousin's marriage (which is in a month) if he hits me again.,..To my ILs this marriage is a big deal..so i hope that this will make him stop tempporarily...

and to stop it permanently am planning to walk out when my ILs create an issue the next time...

as for his talking to his parents so many times,...DH told a year back and recently also that his parents can call him anytime..even if we are having...***...i was shocked to hear that...but am trying my best to gradually reduce it by keeping him engaged and busy..but MIL will call even if he doesn't call..am just praying that we go abroad for a few yrs so that i can be alone with him and also reduce the calls...

@aruna_077 ...i regret for what happend last week as this spoiled the entire trust DH had on me...but i cud not take it when they behaved as if nothing happened..i just could not take it..!! they keep filling DH head that FIL is head of the house and its their house and am outsider!! in fights DH keeps telling that am living in their house and its not my house..!!

now DH and me are talking but not completely normal..am irritating him by asking permission for everything as its not my house...hope he gets the point!!

seekingpeace · Jun 28, 2010

Hi All,

Really need ur help here...cannot believe the things that are happening!!

things were ok yest eve but blew over the top again in the night....so we were back to fighting and things turned very violent..he started calling my Dad around 1 Am..fortunately dad dint hear the call..so even though H called 4-5 times he dint pick it up...and while he was calling i was trying to get the phone from him...this resulted in another hit here and there..i too hit back..then he called my grandma ( the only other relative's no he has)...who is living alone ...i got panicked as she is abt 80 and all alone..grandma picked up the phone and H dint say anythig..he again called her when i protested and again grandma was shouting hello..to find out the caller...i was in tears...H was satisfied that i was down ( as in my spirit was killed)...things then went an even more ugly as i tried to drink some body lotion just to stop him (i was really crazy then)...then he got really scared...then he gave back my phone and after abt 2 hrs of non-violent talk/fight we somehow slept...I had told him tat I will move out of the house....

Now H is really worried tat i will move out of the house..he doesnt want that...he also cried a lot last nite for watever happened..but i dunno if he regrets it...

so today here i am still typing and living in the same house...updated my dad on last nite ( not in detail) and he asked me not to move out but just to be silent and do my work and not react/talk to anything...even if provoked...dad also called H , but he didnt answer the phone...

I know H has temper problems, but this was totally shocking...I mean he had once called my home at midnight bfre marriage ...but that was the only time I saw him going crazy...but now...H says that i bring out the worst out of him...H needs help..he needs to see a therapist for his anger..but am sure he wudnt do that...

so what do I do now and how can i get out of this mess..after last night I lost complete faith in my H and my marriage...I still cannot get over the shock that he called my grandma who is aged, just to spite me....should i stay in home like what my dad said or move out and stay with friends/parents till this is sorted out...

Anyone faced similar situations bfre ? What should i really do? very confused and upset!!

sarajara · Jun 28, 2010

hi amniki,

your DH had loved you for 5 yrs before marriage. He needs to know abotu your nature. He doesn't seem to have any idea on his own ( am really sorry here). He simply oscillates from one side to another everytime you or your IL's talk to him.

Physical abuse. It is not at all admissible. Kick this guy out before your life becomes irrepairable.

I have undergone similar situations because of MIL manipulating and had gone through a tough phase.

Give him a temporary shock by moving out temporarily. If he doesn't seem to realise your value or his mistake i do not think that there is any point in this relationship.

Men should learn at some point of time that they simply cannot take things for granted.

If your H calls up your relatives to blow up the problem just do not get back in to the house till he apologises for the scene he created.

Stand up for yourself now and it would become a repetitive process that they would try to threaten yuo every time saying that they would call your parents.

Give him the time and chance to decide and you can think of anniversaries and birthdays later let your H learn to respect fellow human beings first.

Make it clear to him and your ILs that your parents share the same rights as you ILs and its your home as much as its your H's and there is no need of any one;s permission to visit their daughter. Ask your H to decide if he can keep his parents well out of your personals if not its better you teach him a good lesson.

Do not try to ruin your life more by trying to give up your self respect to keep this marriage 'look like' going on. It is not good for either of you.

All the Best! :thumbsup My prayers for you.

ars · Jun 28, 2010

I agree with sarajaara.
Kick the guy out. So what if it was love marriage.
Don't do anything stupid of harming yourself to get his attention.
If he says you are bringing the worst in him why are you spinning in circles.
You are a working woman move out before you are physicaly hurt. Ask H to get counseling only then you can think of living with him.