How do I handle this?

SunnyShine,

I can understand how you feel. I believe anyone who can be professional at work, can deal with dominating parents without conflicts. Say you are working in a nice company, well paying job, good incentives, etc... Only problem is your boss is short tempered. Do you quit the job because of one negative thing?? No, you try to do your job as best as you can and try not to get into conflicts with the boss. Right??

Same is the case with short-tempered parents. We can not change elderly people. They are set in their ways. If we can avoid them, no problem. But we can not avoid parents. Even if we do, we will feel awful within our hearts, if not today, may be tomorrow.

Your father loves you and your brother. He means well but his negative point is his bad temper. Your brother avoiding to visit them is wrong. He himself will feel awful someday. Tell him to look at your dad as his superior at work (assuming he doesn't go fighting with his superiors when they yell at him), then he shouldn't have a problem with your dad either.

Instead of visiting them once in 2-3 months and spending a whole day, he can visit them multiple times in a month but for short periods (2-3 hours per visit). Hopefully, your father may not get a chance to yell in those couple of hours. Your mom will be happy too. You, on your part can call them often, even if its for a few minutes. That way you won't feel bad either. Its all in the perspective, the way you look at the problem.

 

Sunny, frankly speaking a sister can barely handle this situation.
There's a man in his 50/ 60s who cant change his ways anymore and there's a young man in 20s who cant take it anymore.

Best way for them is to come to an understanding and stay at a distance.
Yes a mother's heart aches when she's not the one at fault to be churned along with the wheat.. however best she can do is accept the fact.

My dad and bro share the same love n hate relationship, dad doesn't scream or hit but is highly organized/planned and a perfectionist and bro a complete reverse... for a long time there was a setup in our home when he shall enter home only for a duration when dad wasn't around and mom made merry of that. He shall scream if dad placed his 8 day old undie for washing :bonk... and how uncomfy he was in a clean room and bathroom all a courtsey my dad... this cleanliness drive included throwing away his bttls and cigg packs.. which he paid thru nose at times... he took up all that in his hi-fi graduation course.

Now he tries to club his visits when am around for an easier communication, even during his marriage he required my assistance to sneak out of the hotel and on n off... dad is learning his lessons in his own sweet time but yes its sinking in to learn to give SPACE. All you can do is offer more emotional support to your dad and keep reminding that he can slow down.

 

I hope that's therapeutic! You need to find something more worthwhile to do, really!

A dad yelling at his kids India is a big deal? Really? What planet are you on? It happens in almost all homes! We had a name for it for it in our home: 'SOLO'. When the dad is in a solo mood we just go deaf...that's it. No big deal. When my dad after a while comes and asks us if he had been tough on us, we just tell him that he is just being a 'good dad'. Just part of the job! Not a big deal! If dads don't yell at kids who will?

I have no sympathy for your story! Sorry! Yeah he shouldn't have looked into your brother's laptop. But my dad is also like that. He considers himself Sherlock Holmes! And we are all his subjects, go figure!

I stopped writing my diary at the age of 17 because my dad read it and cautioned me about the girl in it (his boss's daughter!)! A very important lesson learned!

Even now, he thinks he needs to know all things about his kids. He is so happy if we share anything with him. It makes him feel so close to us. I see a fear in him that he is losing the proximity with us as we grow up and leave. So nowadays when I visit India I tell him about my life, finances and stuff more than he needs to know just to see his contented face and that he is still in touch with me. He is happiest if I tell him something and tell him that he is the only one who knows and he should not tell anybody Boy it makes my day to see his happiness.

C'mon you are making a mountain of a molehill!

 

Dear Sunny,

I can feel ur heart.... All of us long for a happy and peaceful life... some way or other something comes on the way!!!

This situation of urs is very common, may be prevails in many of our families.... I have a friend, going home for him is a nightmare for a similar situation like ur bro, though he respects his parents limitlessly and do not forget to express his gratitude to them whenever such an occasion comes...

It is ok that ur bro expresses his feelings to u, after all he needs to open it up to make himself feel better. And often we find it difficult to discuss about (or against) our parents to our friends, but our siblings.... So take it in that spirit. Don't get carried away and try to do something for it.

Believe me u really can not do anything here. It is DIFFICULT to change people, and that too at this age. And after all u people love ur parents. It is their own sweet ways to bring up their children and whatever aged we children become, the age gap remains same with the parents. Sometimes the parents even forget that their children are grown up and they need to change their behaviour and expectations from them!!

It is good that ur bro stays away from the parents. So it is just a few days' matter to bear with every time he visits home. So what a big deal.... I think we can bear with a little of this situation thinking how much our parents have done for us and how much they love us

 

Perhaps she did. But, I'll tell you this sarma - You have a Take it Easy policy in life (based on several of your posts in IL). Good for you, thats actually helpful to you in many things I see.

However, I dont think everyone can adopt the Take it Easy policy for things - people are different

 

I realize that. Sometimes people have to be told that what they are going through is not unique to them. Often it helps for them to feel that it's no big deal. Otherwise people tend to look at their situations in a magnifying glass.

Some times you are a better friend to tell to 'chill it' than to offer a shoulder to cry on. Usually it helps people to get a perspective on what they think is their unique crisis.

 

Fair enough.

 

Sunnyshine having an understanding husband who doesn't blow his tops and who shows empathy when you share your sorrow everyday is your biggest plus.I understand you want to do something to improve the situation.
Why dont you and your brother have a light talk with your dad and let him know how you feel/felt growing up.Iam sure Dad's have a different approach towards daughters when they are married and he might take your inputs.

 

Between don't forget to shower your dad with praises on his virtue and how you and your brother hold him in high regard .This might help him to mellow down and look at your point.All the praises would soothe him and he will not atleast get angry instantly.