Need some suggestions.. please..

Dhivs · Jun 9, 2010

:hiyaHi all of you,
I have a small problem that I want to share with all of you. Me my DH have been married for over 7 months now. Ours was a love cum arranged marriage; we knew each other for 12long yrs before we got married. It was our dream cum true to get married and we were very happy to have finally achieved our goal, as initially my parents were against it. Now we had a perfect family wedding. But slowly as time passed, things started to change, we were staying with his parents. Both my in laws are working and the house is always in a mess. My in laws are old and they can very well retire and stay at home peacefully, and enjoy their life, but they don’t do that and there is just no one around to take care of the house. Food is not cooked on time and the house is extremely dirty. My mom in law can hardly walk but still she wants to work. Not that they don’t have any money but they still want more n more. They are bit money minded and due to their careers, my DH was bought up by his granny since childhood. He has no attachment with his parents at all. He loves his granny a lot. He is a bit disgusted with his parents and the way they behave at that age. Anyways he seemed to be extremely disturbed by their behavior, just slogging all their lives and saving every penny of it. He just wanted to see them happy and also suggested ways to them to sit at home and reap the benefits of what they already have. But they did not agree and they are still working very hard and saving every penny they have. In the mean time, my DH started to hate coming home, there was just no peace of mind for him, he was bugged with the way the house operates, he used to come home late at nights just to avoid talking to his parents and I was left alone at his house. I felt very lonely, and one fine day he just snapped. We started living at another portion of the house that was built for us. He stopped talking to his parents and stopped eating at home, I was left alone till late nights waiting for him to return home and spend some time with him. But he used to be so disturbed with this whole thing that he started to drink every single day and come home very late nights. I was very disturbed by this whole thing, though I wanted to help him come out of this tension, I still didn’t want to bug him much. So I also followed him and I too stopped eating at home and we slowly started cooking at our portion of the house. He started to come home and started having dinner with me. We set up the entire house together. I could see some happiness in my DH’s eyes, I was very satisfied with the way things were. But the equation with his parents has not yet improved, he doesn’t talk to them and neither do they care about him. But I still maintain cordial relations with them, I speak to them and he still is in talking terms with his granny whom he loves a lot. I tried convincing him to talk to his parents but he says that he looses his patience with them and he wants some peace of mind once he comes back from work. Now since the last 3 months he has become very nice caring and loving hubby. But I have another problem, his friends. He has a lot of them. Every Sunday he has to be with them the entire day. He spends some weekdays also being with them, coming home late night but he informs me about that much before. I wait for him to come home and I feel very lonely. Now he wants to go out of town with them, just a gang of guys. I don’t want to go to my parent’s house, as they may feel that as a newly married couple we need to go out together rather than he going on his own. I can’t stay alone at home; I may end up feeling lonely and depressed. I don’t know if this feeling is normal or am I over reacting?? Can anyone tell me if all this is normal with guys?? Is this is how they behave?? Keen to know.

ushkrish · Jun 9, 2010

hi
it is in a way good that you moved out and started your own life. your pil have to decide between ther career and their son which they clearly have decided long back. so coming to the question of yo ur dh having his fun time with friends, did you let him know that you have your views against this idea, and that you have already started feeli ng lonly when he comes back home late in the night etc., pl. let him understand that you require a little more of his time with you

SmartandSweet · Jun 9, 2010

If Your husband and you are genuinely concerned for your in-laws health then you/Husband should have a talk with them about their retirement but the decision to work or retire is completly theirs. Just as we expect parents to respect our space and freedom to make our own decisions, they too have the rights to expect the same.All you can do is maybe give suggestions like'cutting back work hours' or 'to ask them to take relaxing vacations once in a while'.Just because parents are old and we are old enough to take care of them we cannot run their lives. Everybody needs to lead their own life. Look at this from their perspective, they have worked hard all their lives (might even be workaholics) to ask them to quit cold turkey would mean making them sit idle at home, which could lead to depression and disillusionment. Elderly people who are occupied lead a more healthy life. If you are concerned about the food preparation and cleaning of the house and if money is not an issue then hiring help would be a good idea, anyway you mentioned your MIL does not keep well and has difficulty walking or working it might be great help to her.
Why is your husband unhappy about the dirty house now?? It must have been the same even while he was growing up since your MIL was working even then. Sorry if this offends you but it seems a little immatured of your DH to be upset with his parents for such trivial issues.You guys live in a seperate set up now yet your husband is still having issues with his folks, looks like it is more than just due to dirty house and them still working, he probly is seeking attention from them, i guess it is time for him to grow up!!
I know a few of my close relatives who had severe health complications and were very unhappy when they were made to stay home but miraculously recovered and were very energetic when they started working again. Retirement is different for different people, some people (especially those who have worked all their life and it is big part of them) feel lost when they have to go through that. Be Patient and understanding.
Good luck!

IndainDad · Jun 10, 2010

Nowhere did you say of you work or not. If you don't work (you talked of being alone at home), how come you couldn't keep the house clean and cook? After all it is your house too, isn't it?

I agree with SweetAndSmart that your ILs can not be told by your husband or you how they should live their lives. If they want to stay socially/mentally active by continuing to work, good for them. Isn't it better than them sitting at home and trying to run your lives purely out of boredom?

Dhivs · Jun 10, 2010

Yes my husband has spoken about retirement to them, but they yet want to earn. Since childhood the house has always been in a mess and hence my DH would never like to stay at home, he used to have his meals outside with friends as food would never be cooked on time and would keep himself busy outside the house with work commitments. Only after marriage that he has started to eat at home since he felt that i would feel bad if he keeps skipping meals and coming home late nights. Money has never been a problem; my in laws are self sufficient with a good source of regular income. But still they do not spend any of it. (Not even on a maid) My FIL used to cook his own meals and my MIL would never bother to enter the kitchen, the excuse was tiredness due to work. She doesn’t work at an office that she would be busy all day, she returns home very early, but leaves the entire cooking and household work to her mother, who stays with her. My DH is very loving towards his granny, as she was the one who looked after him since childhood. But now she is getting very old and weak, she is unable to take care of the entire house.
Another problem with my MIL is that she keeps buying clothes and artificial jewelry and dumps it in the house, sometimes she never uses them but wraps in sacks and stores it in the house, the entire house is filled with sacks and sacks of unused clothes or he shoes or her collectables that she never bothers to use. I have tried to help her to get rid of those old unused stuff, but she doesn’t want to dispose any of it. Most of the times there is no place to even sit in the house, it’s that messy. Once back from work my FIL has to cook dinner and prepare for the next days meal as well. They don’t celebrate any festivals as my MIL has no time to shop for festivals, she doesn’t even light a lamp near the GOD. Granny does that as well.
I work, but I return home only late evenings, just left with enough time to cook a meal for my hubby. And yes I do manage to keep our portion of the house very neat and clean.

flowerlady · Jun 10, 2010

Hi friend why move out and leave the ILs to themselves ? If MIL/ FIL have no problem with their lifestyle then why worry ? Stop trying to find faults with them.
You say you knew DH for 12 years before marriage, did you not know about his friends over the years ? His weekends are full without you, its a clear case of the novelty wearing thin.
There is nothing to talk about since all the 12 years were spent trying to get parents consent and now there is nothing to look forward to.
Husbands are not BFs but you should ask him to take you along for the trips . Marriage means togetherness.
Maybe he is taking you forgranted since you both know each other so well.

blissful · Jun 12, 2010

Hi Dhivs,

You seem to have two problems:
1) Your DH wants his parents to stop working
2) Your DH is spending time with his friends

Regarding your first problem. According to you, your DH has no attachment with his parents. If you know this, then there is a good possibility that his parents too know this. Given this feeling, may be they think that once they stop working your DH may not be inclined to look after them. They may also feel that they do not want to be dependent on your DH in their old age and hence want to build their nest's egg. Or may be they just don't want to sit at home unoccupied. Your DH can't and shouldn't force them. What happens if they stop working because of your DH's insistence and then they are miserable to be sitting home?

Some people are just more careful with their money than others. Whether your ILs are money minded or not does not matter as long as they don't control your and your DH's finance. It's after all their hard earned money whether they want to save it or spend it is their decision. So if they are saving every penny and not spending anything, it should not bother you as long as they don't ask you not to spend your money the way you and your DH think best.

Also if you or your DH think that just because your MIL quits her job she's going to look after the house better, then I think you are going to be disappointed. From your description of your MIL, she seems to be one of those people who's not interested or is not able to keeping a house. Just like every woman cannot be a super cook, every woman cannot be a good housekeeper. Once she stops working I don't think this is going to change. I think now that you and your DH have set up your own house, you should let your MIL's house be as it and concentrate on your house.

Regarding your second problem. If you feel so strongly you should speak to your DH. Don't fight about it or accuse him. Just have a chat with him and let him know that you want to spend some more time with him on weekends as it's the only time you both get away from work.

Your question "is this normal with guys". I won't say that it's just with guys. It's with girls too. Me and my girlfriends have a "Girls Night Out" quiet often. We also meet without our husbands when we want to do "girly" things that we know our husbands do not enjoy and we have even gone for overnight trips without our husbands. There are times we want to let our hair down without having to worry if we are giving enough attention to our spouse or we are being polite with our spouses friends etc. etc. and just enjoy ourselves as only girls can. I'm sure guys also think in a similar manner. I don't see anything wrong in it as long as it's mutually acceptable to both partners.

Vennella · Jun 12, 2010

Dhivs said: ↑

Now he wants to go out of town with them, just a gang of guys. I don’t want to go to my parent’s house, as they may feel that as a newly married couple we need to go out together rather than he going on his own. I can’t stay alone at home; I may end up feeling lonely and depressed. I don’t know if this feeling is normal or am I over reacting?? Can anyone tell me if all this is normal with guys?? Is this is how they behave?? Keen to know.
Click to expand...

You seem to have two problems:

1. your husband's relation with his parents
you really can't do anything here. Whatever his problems are with his parents, it is entirely his responsibility. The only thing you can do is make your own home with love and affection. seems like he misses the conventional household setup

2. as to his friends and if it is normal for him to go away with them....You are the best person to answer this. you have known him for 12 long years...so is this normal for him? What is your problem with his trip? if you are thinking it would make his drinking problem worse....or if you are just getting depressed that he is leaving u alone...then u should definitely talk to him. but if you think that it is just not what newly weds do then it is not a good enough reason.

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