Concern

ragiiii · May 14, 2010

Hi everyone!

I stay with my In Laws and its been painful experience till now.Iam born and brought up in north though hail from south.am more comfortable in hindi then tamil.DH and ILs are from south. MIL is possessive about his son,she wants to do things for him. She cooks, does not allow me, gets provision.She wants my assistance in kitchen. Keep saying that i should not waste.DH is not able to take sides or voice for anyone.

After all this, my communication is formal with them. when need arises i cook , do stuff fo them.

My concern is till now i dont have kid though iam planning ..
As MIL & FIL keep checking me everything,the way i speak, do things, they want it to be done on their way. I feel as if they try to control me in every regard.

Please help and share, how will cope once kid is there.Will langauge be problem?

ushkrish · May 14, 2010

dear regiiii,
the relationship btw mil, fil, and u r time tested one. it has to slowly develop on its own. till such time u r comfortable with them you have to try talk to them in their own language, which will help smooth the relationship. it is mor like you go to new place, and trying to converse with local ppl i n their lang. no harm in trying and learning after all it is your mother tongue too. being brought up in the north and comfortable in hindi is o.k. but see it this way, you IL dont know the lang. proply, and in front of the m if you talk i n a lang. which they could not follow fully/not conversant with ,wont they feel uncomfortable. put urself in their shoes an d try to figure out how it will be for you. then you may appreciate the need to talk in their own lang.
reg. mil cooking, allow her to do her piece of work b'cse it is she who has been doing it all the while when you werent married. it may not be possible for her to give it up all just like that. as long as she is healthy and does not complain of doing it you really dont have to bother.
when occasion arises and doing the cooking job, do it your way and you can politely tell that once i n a while there is nothing wrong in trying new dishes. if they r liking the taste they definetly r going to come asking for it. so dont worry about all these matters, since you r a new member i suggest you go thro once some of the other ilites' who suffer a lot at the hands of their IL.
right now i feel there is nothing much to worry about anything, only a little more adaptability is what is required from your side and soon all will fall in its place
lots of best wishes
lov
usha

ragiiii · May 14, 2010

Thanks alot for the reply Usha.

I converse with them in tamil .I have improved my hold in the language after marriage.Though iam not that good to teach tamil to someone.

Iam ok with her cooking aswell.

My concern is when my baby is born, their controlling behavior will be there with the baby how will i cope with it? As i have seen with my mil that she wants to do things. Though for my baby will want to do the stuff ...

Hope iam able to make you understand my concern.

Foundlove · May 14, 2010

Rajii,
If you can write down your concerns more concisely it would help everyone .

What does she do that is so suffocating?

If you have a child how is that going to be a -ve rather than +ve being with her.

FL

rosegirl · May 15, 2010

I feel you need to toughen up. Being sensitive and stubborn will only cause a lot of problems in future. Develop your relationship with your husband strongly. He has to be the one to stand up for you and support you so that your inlaws will back off.
But from your end, if you are not going to adjust then its going to be warfare daily. Let go of small day to day stuff and only concentrate on big issues.Coming to your inlaws, Learn to live with them and not against them.

raha256 · May 15, 2010

ragiiii said: ↑

Hi everyone!

MIL is possessive about his son,she wants to do things for him. She cooks, does not allow me, gets provision.She wants my assistance in kitchen.

Most of the MIL's are possessive. thats ok till she is not interfering in yours and DH realtionship. if you go through the threads here u can find this issue in most of the threads.

Keep saying that i should not waste.DH is not able to take sides or voice for anyone.

some people like giving lot of advises. thats the only thing on earth which u can give and take at free of cost. consider there age factor and ignore. we have 2 ears take it through one and leave it through the other.

After all this, my communication is formal with them. when need arises i cook , do stuff fo them.

It is always better to maintain a distance in inlaws realtionship.

My concern is till now i dont have kid though iam planning ..

ohhh!!. may god gift you a baby soon. i'll also pray for you dear.

As MIL & FIL keep checking me everything,the way i speak, do things, they want it to be done on their way. I feel as if they try to control me in every regard.

Let them check you. you don't get disturbed. if a person is not having a job he'll always probe into others. but if goes beyond a certain limit politely but firmly tell your DH about this. let him speak with them. if you can do it, go a head and sort out the issue.

take care
Click to expand...

ragiiii · May 19, 2010

Thanks rosegirl and raha256 for your valuable replies.

Hi Foundlove

for your questions, it helped me to think.

With me , i just dont feel that comfortable when they are around,though i manage. They listen each word of mine so closely,never leave me and my DH alone.If we want to watch a movie ,they are around. Though they dont like the movie, they will be making comments so boring, start yawning.
I do understand they want to pass time,at times its very suffocating. As if you being watched all the time.They stay awake till 11pm and want us to be with them throughout.
How to talk comfortably to DH when inlaws are around all the time?

Mil doesnot allow DH to do any household work. She still treat him like a baby. And his end he is used to it and likes it awell.

Iam not able to voice my dislike in front of them.

When baby is around, inlaws will keep instructing me to upbring the baby in their ways. Though i feel mil will be support to me but if someone keeps correcting me everytime , i will not like when it comes to my baby.
How to stand for me without hurting her feelings?

Request all ladies to share their experiences.

raha256 · May 20, 2010

ragiiii said: ↑

Thanks rosegirl and raha256 for your valuable replies.

Hi Foundlove

for your questions, it helped me to think.

With me , i just dont feel that comfortable when they are around,though i manage. They listen each word of mine so closely,never leave me and my DH alone.If we want to watch a movie ,they are around. Though they dont like the movie, they will be making comments so boring, start yawning.
I do understand they want to pass time,at times its very suffocating. As if you being watched all the time.They stay awake till 11pm and want us to be with them throughout.
How to talk comfortably to DH when inlaws are around all the time?

Mil doesnot allow DH to do any household work. She still treat him like a baby. And his end he is used to it and likes it awell.

Iam not able to voice my dislike in front of them.

When baby is around, inlaws will keep instructing me to upbring the baby in their ways. Though i feel mil will be support to me but if someone keeps correcting me everytime , i will not like when it comes to my baby.
How to stand for me without hurting her feelings?

Request all ladies to share their experiences.
Click to expand...

dear this was my story. MIL/FIL all the time.

u have to speak now. dont wait for ur DH to speak for u. u do it. if u cant tolarate tell that u dont like this behaviour and u cant tolarate a bit.
speak to them very politely but firmly. tell them u can manage things on your own. tell DH u want to spend time with him

eg: if u are planning to go for a movie. tell DH that u are not coming. he'l ask the reason. isn't it?. then tell him that u want to spend sometime with him and HIM only.

as u have asked for experience, mine goes this way . i got married and came to mumbai in Nov. his family planned for a picnic in DEC. there i have to share a family room!!!. my MIL wants to be with her son always. My DH has to sit with them till 11 sometimes even till she sleeps :crazy.

now i have shifted to my new house. even now she hasn't stopped troubbling:bonk. she calls my DH and tells him to come home anytime she wants. my DH goes to her place every alternate days. she wants us to spend every sat and sun with them. we cant spend time for each other even on sat and sun. i am also working so we have no time on weekdays to talk to each other.

whether we are with them or not, troubbling inlaws always trouble.

Foundlove · May 21, 2010

From your post it seems you need some alone time with DH. Sorry to say but that is not something that is written in black and white in the marriage agreement and most in laws are like yours.

What you can do to change this.

Go out somewhere..movie or temple to spend some time with him.

When Dh comes back from office prelude to something interesting in bed if DH goes to bed early.

If they are around and don't leave you cannot do anything.Find innovative ways to interact with DH.

Grandparents will give their advice..its nothing wrong..learn to live with it.

FL