Help me become a better wife

Dear

So nice of you to try and find ways to help your husband. But please do not take it as personal failure or that you did something wrong! No thats not the case.

I would suggest, try to initiate conversations about what he thinks about work, what he likes/dislikes at work, what kind of work he likes, and why he chooses some jobs over another and why he thinks something is not fit for him?

Remember diff. people are fit for diff. roles. Not everyone is a leader. Not everyone is a manager. There is nothing wrong in that. Some people are good team players and some are individual contributors. Some are good at execution of orders and some are good at giving orders. So figure out what category does your husband fall into. and He should be able to understand what he can do well and be in that role rather than going for something that he cant keep and quitting on that to find another similar job.

This conversation should happen in a general flow..not like a discussion happening / analysis on he not being able to stick to jobs..Not that way!!! it should be a very general conversations, from which you can draw some conclusions. Also does he take suggestions from you? I mean is he open to suggestions from his wife on his career??If Yes, then you trying to get the information and might be suggesting things to him based on where he might have went wrong/where he did better (both good/bad qualities) would help. But if he doesnt like anyone interfering / involving in his career related matters and if he feels he is being looked down things might get bad on marriage front! so be careful on those lines!

This analysis may not happen over night...give it time. See why he was laid off from his old companies (sometimes really the companies may not have a reason why they lay off someone, it might be some internal politics / it might be really performance issues). Might be sometimes its also about visibility in the company. i.e if he is a hard worker but not able to show off his capabilities/efficiency, the first cut would be on those who the company thinks are not adding value.

Also might be you can try subscribing to some of the career related magazines on how to climb the corporate ladder, or how to improve communication/visibility etc. try leaving those magazines on the coffee table or somewhere in the bathroom might be he would read them when he gets time.

Bottomline..the person involved here i.e your husband should be willing to do what ever you want to help him with. i.e reading those magazines/discussing work related matters and sharing and seeking feedback. If he is not open for all these, please take a step back and do not push it on him. If he is open and willing, then take one step at a time. Take it slow.

 

Thanks to you , that you realised, but let me caution , you may not find change in his attitude or behavior towards you for a while. You will keep realising though you are nicer to him he is still same, not happy etc. this will demotivate you and slowly you may fall back to your pattern, because now you feel that you are being nice and it should help him if it does not you might feel it is not helping. To be nice or not has to be natural . of course we have to make efforts but very rarely do efforts last for long.

Giving a good home atmospher is important for mental peace, but he may have his own issues he needs to work on.

 

Dear momTwo,
Relax.
This is what I do when my DH comes home frustrated from work or work politics. I just listen to his ramblings. Never give out my opinion (unless the consequence of not giving is critical) because I understood that advice/analysis is not what he is looking for but a pair of sympathetic ears. So I lend just them - nothing more nothing less. :thumbsup

Initially when I used to wear the thinking cap 'for' him and dish out solutions, it only added to his stress. He did not take it well. Or may be I did not put it across well. In any case, we only felt like drifting apart. I realised it at its early stages and revisited my ways.

These years, when he switches jobs or grumbles about one, I just present myself as his mirror. He talks all he wants and decides on his own. I do not judge or analyse or criticize. If anything I say, "Yeah.. Do what you feel is right. You have to follow your heart." I think that eases him.

Try this sympathetic listening and you can see the happiness double up. A 'free home' where he can unwind himself and his thoughts without the fear of being judged will make him stress free, more happy and more close. As DWs, I think we can easily make it possible for the men we love the most. What say you?! :thumbsup

 

You have very precisely captured the typical pattern there, Tridev!

Do not fall prey to that most notorious pattern, MomTwo. Make the changes in you for the betterment of the situation. But when it fails to bring the expected outcome, do not be discouraged.. do not discontinue.. If you had observed carefully to Tridev's words, he says "very rarely do efforts last for long". Try to fall into that 'rare' category where you stick to your change for as long as it takes. It will not be too long for sure.

When a person decides to change himself, since he is the one who took the decision, he is aware of his change. As for the opponent, it takes time to grasp the change in the other. But the realization do happen. Be hopeful. Be consistent.

 

I get the feeling that he is under pressure to perform and probably feels that he disappointed you.

Even if you may not say anything he might feel pressured because he knows that he is constantly being watched! People perform better when they feel that they are not being second guessed, especially by the close ones. That pressure and the fear of failure is a huge load on the chest even for the best of people.

The last decade (which the WSJ called the lost decade) had been tough on many people and industries and the recession (2008) is comparable to the great depression. Give him a break and be more supportive, if you can.

 

I think I am beginning to agree with this advice.

I run into this issue (in the reverse sense, DW tells me stuff and I start analyzing...)
Reminded me of:
http://www.indusladies.com/forums/married-life/92367-why-stars-do-you-need.html

You realized early stages and revisited. I realized it after many, many, many years and now "attempting" to revisit.

I suggest OP tries the above and time for me to try the above as well - I'm trying but not easy for my nature - since I am quick to wear the thinking hat, but need to practice.

 

momtwo,

I agree that it is important to have a supportive spouse and to be ambitious as well. However, I also feel that a lot of men identify themselves through their work - pardon me guys please. I feel your husband needs to look at himself and his career as a father and a husband than just looking at it from his point of view alone. You have two kids, married long enough, there is a lot good going on for him. He needs to pause, appreciate that and it will automatically reflect in his work place. Unless you are a demanding wife,he should not feel pressurised to make more and more money. If you are not demanding (which I assume you are not from your post), then it is his inherent nature which by itself is not bad but he has to realise that whatever he is doing is not working. You should not feel guilty about it - he should be grateful that he has a beautiful family thanks to a wife who is trying hard enough to keep it going and intact. So I personally feel, involving in a couple of kids' activities as his responsibility, having a little more of family time, helping him see that his wife and kids are happy with his presence etc should calm him down. All I am trying to say is you can keep doing what is best for him by being more nicer, cooking better, making the home more comfortable and also by more importantly simply helping him to pause, look around him, appreciate what he already has and then build on it.

ps: plllease do not think that I feel that your DH is not involved in family activities etc - I am not judging him. I just feel that we concentrate so much on what we want that we tend to overlook what we already have - that is where you will make the difference I feel and that is what I have tried to explain.

 

A couple of things stand out to me from your post - (1) The fact that he is getting laid off frequently and (2) He is ambitious and is getting frustrated at work.

I think (2) is probably the reason for (1) and this leads to a vicious cycle. Could it be possible that your husband finds that he is not a good fit for the role/position, becomes frustrated and dis-engaged as a result, leading to the layoff when there is a need to cut costs. Since he is under pressure to get a job now, he settles for the first (or best) one that comes along, which may not be the best fit causing this to happen all over again. I don't know the specifics, so see if this may be a reason.

It definitely takes time to find a good role/position that is a good fit in terms of compensation, benefits, growth opportunities etc. So maybe your husband needs to move to consulting or something until he can find a good match.

Remember, the best time to search for a job is when you have a job. Also, your husband should somehow be more plugged into the corporate scene so that he is not caught blindsided by the layoffs. Usually there are rumors, indications etc. He should have his antennae up and eyes and ears open. More professional networking may help with getting the right kind of role/position.

Most of these are action items on his side. From your side, all you can do is to provide a supportive and happy environment at home, which I think you are doing. One helpful thing to do maybe is to have a soothing conversation to put things into perspective. Although career is certainly very important, he has a wonderful family and a caring wife. This is along the lines that Srama suggested, men sometimes undermine this aspect.

Hope these help.