1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice

Do such DILs have the right to complain?

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by meena2, Apr 17, 2010.

  1. meena2

    meena2 Senior IL'ite

    Messages:
    128
    Likes Received:
    10
    Trophy Points:
    23
    Gender:
    Female
    I have seen this with some women. They do not speak up in front of their inlaws but behind their backs they complain a lot. Have you experienced that?

    Let me give one example. My friends inlaws were here last summer for 6 months, for the first time to US. My friend has been here since last 12yrs.
    In the course of 6 months, her dh took them out to various places for sight seeing. Sometimes, due to kids school etc her dh would just take his parents out and leave the kids and wife back. Immediately my friend will either call me or come over and start pouring out how much her dh is spending on his parents and how his parents are asking him to buy certain things to take with them back to India as gifts to their other grand children. And how they want proper breakfast,lunch, dinner ie., 3 proper meals a day etc etc....

    Her dh is not really a spend thrift as to what I have seen till now in my 4yrs of friendship. I thought may be his parents came to his house here for the first time so he is trying to please them a little more than usual.

    Actually, after some time I started asking her what he bought and how much it cost etc, ......I found that it is not really THAT BIG amount as she has been complaining. One time I just told her 'why don't you tell your dh not to spend if you do not like?' Or If your inlaws ask simply say you cannot afford. She just said NO! I can't say that! I asked why not? She said NO! they may feel bad and think I am a bad DIL!

    So many times I have seen her being over courteous and very very very polite to them when they are around and once they leave she will just heave a sigh of relief and start her complaints.

    I told her you cannot complain if you did not even make an attempt to stop something that you feel is going wrong. She simply ignored me and went on cribbing about her inlaws.

    In my case, I am a very straight forward and hence inlaws and some relatives brand me arrogant, short tempered. I accept I have short temper but I am not arrogant. I don't mind that branding as long as I give piece of my mind when I am upset. I don't simply bend and take all crap by pretending to be good DIL in front of inlaws.

    ILites, I feel that women who do not speak up have no right to complain.
    What do you say?
     
    Last edited: Apr 17, 2010
    Loading...

  2. sita2223

    sita2223 Bronze IL'ite

    Messages:
    561
    Likes Received:
    30
    Trophy Points:
    48
    Gender:
    Female
    I agree with you Meena.

    I have a cousin who is sooooo conscious about her 'good-girl' image that she pretends to be the innocent-quiet-shy girl in front of everybody but shows her true colors to me. I had a love marriage after waiting for 2yrs to convince my parents. This cousin of mine has a lover too, but she cares so much about her good-girl image, that she broke off the relationship with her lover and is settling for arranged marriage, because she doesn't want relatives to think she is the love-marriage-kinda-girl. Anyways, its her decision, but she wines to me that she is not as lucky as I am. Her priority was her goodie-goodie image and my priority was my love. So why compare and complain?
     
  3. parvathi1980

    parvathi1980 Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,137
    Likes Received:
    1,307
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    Some people simply love to whine...i have actually seen a lot of women do that...they will put on this big act in front of their in laws and whine later on!
    Somehow i do not feel sorry for such whiners!
    But the trick works for a lot of whiners. They maintain good relations with their in laws and get to discuss their problems as nd wen the opportunity arises... Call it hypocrisy but it may be a good way to handle in law problems without messing up ur family life:idea
     
  4. vasu99

    vasu99 New IL'ite

    Messages:
    13
    Likes Received:
    1
    Trophy Points:
    3
    Gender:
    Female
    Hai,

    I agree with parvathi......relationship with in-laws is very sensitive...instead of messing up, better not to react infront of them...later we can discuss with them regarding our difference when they are in good mood...

    In my case inlaws are quite fine with me...FIL is very caring, he understands that am working girl and when i come home, he wont give pressure of household work or talk or behave where i get tensed....but my MIL expects me to do household work after coming home but she gives me freedom and she is quite polite while talking to me....i dont have any prob with that.....my only problem is SIL (separated from husband) living with us...she is too arrogant and dominating....:bonk
     
  5. riya123

    riya123 Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    782
    Likes Received:
    464
    Trophy Points:
    138
    Gender:
    Female
    Meena,
    I dont think maintaining a good image is more important than your own happiness..
    When i was getting married all elderly women in my home, gave me a gyan something like 'Dont answer back your in-laws', 'Never say No to MIL', 'Never complain about them', 'Accept your husband's family as your family' , 'Do all household ghores'..

    I did that during the initial days of my marriage.. But in my particular case, they started taking me for granted.. They literally started using me.. But i doubt if i was ever in their good books.. I took a lot of effort from me to break the pattern..
    I dont know, may be women of previous generations did tolerate so much or what..
    But i found it very hard to tolerate their over controlling, spying behavior.. Sometimes irrespective of what you get branded as, you have give more importance to yourself..
     
  6. meena2

    meena2 Senior IL'ite

    Messages:
    128
    Likes Received:
    10
    Trophy Points:
    23
    Gender:
    Female
    Thanks for responding. I can never talk behind IL's back and especially to someone outside my family. I simply think it is rubbish. If I have a problem with my inlaws I think I should speak up and get it cleared or atleast convey the message that I am not happy with what they are doing or saying. The only other person whom I share with my inlaws woes is my dh because I feel he can atleast do something about it.
    What is the point in discussing with friends and cousins and siblings. None of them will ever even hint my inlaws that I am not happy (if at all) with them.

    But, unfortunately most of my friends are the ones who want to project themselves as good DILs in front of their inlaws but only I know how much they hate their inlaws. When I tell them to just speak up they say we can't do that, you are straight forward kind so it is easy for you to say so.
    I mean, I really don't get this. Ultimately I told couple of my friends, you know whatever you do, how much ever nice you are, you can never be their daughter......(rule out the exceptional inlaws). So, don't just pretend like that.
    Sometimes it is sad to see how bitter their feelings are but how nice they can show on the outside, smiling, agreeing to everything, too polite (while boiling inside).............GOSH!!

    I understand peace of family is important but more important than that is YOUR PEACE OF MIND!!!

    One time, when my friends inlaws were here, her MIL indirectly said that her FIL does not like her wearing pants. This friend comes to me and asks what she should do. I said, you wear whatever is comfortable to you, and what you are used to here especially in US. After about 8-10 yrs of getting used to wearing pants when you go shopping, suddenly you cannot start wearing salwar/saree....right? Yeah, you can wear when the society around you is wearing that, but if you feel you will be odd man out then don't do it.
    Do what is comfortable for you. She asked me can you come in the evening and we will start some conversation and then you can put it across that most of the Indian ladies wear this blah blah blah.....

    I said, I can do anything for you but I want you to face this. Just do as I say. Tell your MIL that you simply cannot change because they are here. Anyway, you want to be a Roman in Rome. So, when you go to India, you wear salwar and sari which they have seen you doing and now when in US you are comfortable in these daily use pants only.
    She went back very nervous and seems she with much hesitation and thinking told them what she felt.
    Her MIL said ok, if you say so, these days DILs don't want to listen to inlaws at all even on simple things like this and after that never raised that topic till they left for 6 months.
    I told my friend, if you take her words seriously then immediately you have to change the way you dress. Can you do that? NO! then simply listen to what she said and forget. You know you are not that bad. And if only wearing pants makes her think you are, then so be it. Forget it!
    I told my friend, this is a simple issue, similarly anything else comes up also, you convey your honest feelings. They may not like all but then thats how it is. You cannot please them everyday,every time on everything and also remain happy yourself.
     
  7. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    12,481
    Likes Received:
    30,224
    Trophy Points:
    540
    Gender:
    Female
    Meena,

    What the women are doing might not be right in your opinion. OK. But, why are you getting so worked up about it? To the point of posting detailed posts here? It is obvious that you cannot control their whining. If you don't like them to crib about their in-laws to you, tell them so plainly. Don't go into how they should deal with it and how hypocritical it is to be goody-goody in front of their in-laws but crib behind.

    I am assuming you are not looking for suggestions on what to do, but rather on whether such DILs have the right to complain. In my opinion, we have no right to pass judgement on them. We don't know how they were brought up, what are the dynamics in their family, what are the consequences of speaking up.

    I have a theoretical question for you - "Do you have the right to call yourself their friend, if you post their details here as you have?". The answers can vary. Similarly the answers to your question can vary, with no particular one being more right than the other.

    -Rihana
     
  8. meena2

    meena2 Senior IL'ite

    Messages:
    128
    Likes Received:
    10
    Trophy Points:
    23
    Gender:
    Female
    Rihana,

    I have every right to be called their friend because I don't just post here but try to help them deal with their situation too.....

    And, NO! I am not seeking anything from here by posting here but trying to know what other ILites experiences are and what they think.
    Hope I could answer you. And as for posting all details, I haven't mentioned any names so that should not bother anyone.
     
  9. shrutidunwoody

    shrutidunwoody Bronze IL'ite

    Messages:
    374
    Likes Received:
    42
    Trophy Points:
    48
    Gender:
    Female
    Meena the fact that some dil 's complain behind the back is that it is difficult to tell the inlaws straightforwardly that they are wrong or something like that. In your friends situation , her dh does spending for his parents so even if she feels he is spending too much on them, but still it does look good if she says that they are wrong. Some inlaws take it in a wrong way even if dil 's try to explain them in a good manner. So the fact that you say that your friend is good to them is obvious, she has to be good to them because if she frowns or complains then she only have to deal with the whole drama.

    The fact that your friend calls you and tells you her grieviences is because she must be feeling alone as she may be not able to talk to her dh about his parents, so you are her friend , so she can talk about her problems only to you. You please try to understand her dear. Maybe you are frank with your inlaws, but she might not be able to be frank.

    I know a friend of mine who had been very frank and then everbody including her dh were against her. So its difficult for some dil's to talk straight to inlaws. Its better to be diplomatic and handle things properly without making anyone feel bad. Inlaws never leave a chance to label a dil as bad dil but when your friend has a good one , let her be that.
     
  10. SriVidya75

    SriVidya75 Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    7,302
    Likes Received:
    957
    Trophy Points:
    270
    Gender:
    Female
    Meena

    Just on a lighter note..one simple question...

    What experience do you want to know from other ilites??? If one of my friend is coming and sharing her stories about inlaws I would just hear it patiently, its like letting her take her steam out, vent and share...sometimes its easier to talk it out with our friends than with our parents/siblings/husband...might be she treats you as a close friend so she is sharing all her inner fears or things that are in her head that may/may not bother her....cant she atleast do that infront of a friend??? should she be judged for what she is doing?? to top it you have generalized and started asking wheter such DILs have right to complain or not??...any human being has the right to complain , has the right to vent, has the right to take their steam off unless its outright abusive and nasty. I guess your friend is no where nasty/ abusive when she describes her worries/problems. Isnt it??

    Come on girl, cut some slack. Your friend is also a girl, a woman, a DIL, lets not judge someone just because they confide in us. thats the true friendship.! Be a good friend, help her unwind, help her think that nothing wrong is happening, just give her that support. thats all friends are for!If you are doing all this and judging her at her back, it isnt the sign of a good friend.
     
    Last edited: Apr 18, 2010

Share This Page