My mom's problem with my SIL

My mom, dad and brother (SIL is yet to join the mix as my brother is unmarried now) all work and we have a full time housekeeper who comes at 7 and leaves at 7. She makes coffee,cooks 3 meals, washes vessel, clothes, cleans the house and pretty much runs the household.

Mom buys the grocery and provision every week and stocks the kitchen. Nobody really moves a muscle at home and they all concentrate on their jobs only and at night spend time chatting and watching tv. The maid lives near our home and is hardworking but some quirks but she is a life saver. When she takes a day off, mom makes meals and washes vessels.

I think this setup should work for you. Girls these days can be really hardworking at their job but when it comes to home, they want to just relax. Your mom is just being the naive one here. Tell her to put a full time servant and relax.

Thats the only solution i can think of in your scenario.

 

Spap, Your mom needs to do something about the living arrangement. Your brother and SIL are adults and they are acting really immature here. I am sorry if that sounded rude but its a fact. They both need to act like adults and pick up their share of work. Your mom is coddling them and they have got the hang of it.Why will they change. Hey even I wudnt bat an eyelid if my in laws did everything in the house.So there is no use asking them to do it. Instead your mom shud move out cold turkey. You also mentioned they ate frozen food when your mom was with you for 2 months. But if your mom moves out then they cant do it and they have to pick up their share of responsibility. Let her do it.

Now your mom is working its okay. What about when she is retired? Then she will be full time taking care of your bro and SIL.Your mom has unfortunately set a pattern for everything at home and it will continue if she doesnt do something.

One more thing to note is sooner or later your bro and SIL will have a kid. What then. Your mom will have one more person to take care of while your brother and his wife act like kids and not share any responsibility at home. They are having a gala life with no contribution and will want the same to continue without hiccups.What then. I can imagine for a min your SIL can be set into this pattern but I cant imagine your bro is joining into this and not making any effort .

Calling your mom to you is not a permanent solution except it will give her a breather to think about what to do next.She needs to move out before things get ugly and she is exhausted and spoils her health taking care of them. Somebody has to put a stop to it and it has to be your mom unless your brother and SIL wake up and smell the coffee. Good Luck.

 

Dear,
If it was onlty housework..I don't think mom would have been so upset.

I think its the lack of contribution in expenses ,stinginess and expectations inspite of getting a lot.

• I can only say that your mom should first make sure that your brother is contributing in expenses.
• They should be given chores.This should be given in advance every night or weekend.
• She can still live there but on her own terms.

FL

 

I woud just suggest that your mom should not cook in the mornings for them . Instead they can eat outside from their respective office. Nowaday dabba system is common where you can get home made food for less.The cost of the dabba is minimum. Your mom can prepare breakfast and tell your sil to make coffee or tea in the mornings or tell her to make breakfast and your mom makes tea. And in the evening responsiblities should be shared like your brother bringing groceries, your mom cutting vegetables ans sil cooking whichever is convienient to each other. But tell your mom to speak up. She cant just complain to you behind her dil's back. Your sil might not even be knowing that your mom has all these issues. It is better to be clear than to complain behind the back .

If your sil and brother agrees to sharing the household responsibilities then fine otherwise your mom has to just tell them that she is old and plus working and cant handle all the work solely.Either tell them to hire a maid where they pay for the maid or if they want to save money and not spend then just help in the household work as simple as that.

Then after everthing is clear ,and there is still no solution, then she can move out to live seperately or your brother and sil can move out. But she has to talk with both of them instead of complaining to you because you can just advise but they are the ones who have to take responsibility.

 

I agree with Anjalika. You can't just blame your SIL, your brother is also to be blamed. Agreed his wife doesn't help out with household stuff, but what's stopping your brother from helping his own mother? When all 3 are working, it helps if the responsibility is shared by all (your brother included). In my opinion, it doesn't really matter how Indian men are brought up or whether they are generally expected to help with cooking, etc. My cousin brother (who has a less hectic work schedule than his wife) does most of the cooking. His wife is only able to occassionally chip in (mostly only on weekends) and everyone (my cousin's parents included) are totally fine with my brother cooking most of the time. My point is, you can always deviate from the so-called norm if you need to. There are no binding rules.

 

Does anyone think of what will happen when the OP's mom gets old and it is the turn of her son and DIL to look after her? If she moves to another apartment now, she might be able to manage now, but later, when she needs her kids, will the OP or her brother take care of the mom? If not, then she is better off leaving things as they are. As someone suggested, having an open conversation might be the best way forward.

 

I am not experienced with this, but this is what used to happen at my grandmom's (GM's) place (similar set-up: GM, her son and DIL all worked, and lived together in the familial home where son grew up.)

GM was always used to doing things her way, it having been her home for decades. Kitchen, shopping, groceries, food, you name it. GM was pretty much like your mom (very independent, well intentioned and supportive.) DIL used to help initially after the marriage, but GM wouldn't "get it" that she was trying to help and so she wouldn't appreciate it - not because she disliked her, but because it just didn't register that she even tried to help initially. Even my mom was off limits in the kitchen at times.

GM just wouldn't give up what she had been doing all these years and feeling as if no one cared whether or not she contributed, DIL gave it up completely. DIL felt no one even gave her a chance. And, being the supportive kind, GM kept doing more and more and more. And then she would tell my mom that she has to do so much and no one helps her in the house. :idontgetit:

Bottomline: I think sometimes, not saying anything for fear of breaking up the peace in the house leads to resentment. Talking about expectations does not always have to be interference.

And the other posters are right in that she needs to have financial security at this juncture in her life, living on her own might be helpful. If she is not willing to live in a separate house, a separate "home" within the current set-up itself might be an option - S/DIL look after their expenses, cooking, responsibilities, your mom looks after her expenses, cooking etc.
No interference from any one, period.

 

Dear

People who use us to an extent of not sharing household expenses, not caring for an elderly woman who is slogging (remember she is going to office earning money, also cooking, getting groceries, cleaning, laundry...) she is like that super woman who is managing everything singhe handedly with no help around...that too with grown adults at home..

If tomorrow she falls sick do you think the same people the so called son and DIL would even be ready to feed her with some fresh food??? NO WAY.

We can tell a lot about people depending on how they treat money and how they treat people when they are doing good. if now is this situation , think about it when the mom doesnt go to work, at home, raising grand kids , working like a servant maid, with no money in hand..I am even scared to say, she wouldnt even be given enough food to nurture herself.(because she is not earning anymore...and all this while they were used to her earnings...)

So if she opens up her eyes and moves to a diff apt, atleast she can have some amount in her savings, using which she can hire some help in her times of need. YES she has to plan for her old age i.e after retirement from work days because I am totally scared of her depending on such nasty son(sorry OP nothing personal)

As far as talking with son and DIL is concerned, am sure it would be all blown out of proportion the moment mom raises the topic, because the DIL can interpret it to what ever way she likes it, and the irresponsbile son would say YES to his wife...(because we know by this time how immature he has been all thsi while)

Anyways, yes before taking the step of moving out, mom can try to talk to son and DIL to share expenses and house hold work or hire for a full time maid...and lets see where it leads tooo...(hope they wont ask mom to move out because she is not able to do all the work.

 

I dont see a major reason to live separate cos no one is manipulative or abusive.
Biggest issue is laziness + stingyness.

Your mom has to hire a fulltime maid, tell her son to pay 2/3 of maids' wages and all shall live peacefully henceforth.

She has to do it pretty earlier than her retirement or a baby in that house to make sure that all get used to that setup and there's no sudden jolt.

I've seen many ladies doing this behaviour of laziness out of purpose to force the relatives out of the house. Also your SIL might be of opinion that her MILs responsibilities are over and whatever she's earning she shud spend on them plus house without having the slightest of remorse on this thought.
Also in our world of credit card there are times when we really run dry of cash in hand & senior members can really not understand it, its not out of will but then some issue with ATM. We really dont feel emergency cos now we can withdraw from any ATM.

Many a times my MIL has paid to these people but never returned them for no money, and I made sure to reimburse her within 24 hrs.. she never expected me to return but I feel its not her job to pay for those things, however when there's a permanent setup we really dont know what are the expectations, probably either it becomes a host-parasite situation or a pre defined and dedicated contribution home... whatever it is if you intend to live tog and its bothering you then you have to resolve the issue.. either via heart to heart or a third party talk.

 

Hi, does your SIL really know cooking? May be she doesn't. You mentioned her mother is no more. Is she only daughter to her parents?

My cousin's cousin got married two years back. The groom made it clear to her that she should not leave her job after marriage. She was already used to joint family system. She chose to marry him fully aware of the fact she will have to live with his parents as he was only son to them. But never bothered to learn cooking from her mother even after engagement was over. Yes that was definitely wrong on her part. Her retired MIL was the one who used to cook. She just used to go to office and take rest at home. Her MIL slowly started complaining but she did not take them seriously as her husband backed her. Finally one day her in-laws told them to get out of the house instead of being a burden to them. After that her husband turned against her. The only thing was her MIL was quiet during the initial years and all these drama happened during her pregnancy. She was forced to cook in the last trimester of her pregnancy, which was totally unfair as she bore twins. It was pretty mean! The time they chose!!

After getting married you have to take some responsibilities. Amma appa veetla epadi irundhumo apadiye ingeyum irukanumnu edhir paaka kudaadhu. The sooner your SIL realizes it the better. May be your mother can also try it. Ask your mother to tell your brother and SIL to see a house and move out. I'm sure they won't and will give in! If she doesn't know cooking you can ask your mother to teach the basics.