need direction if i am right or wrong

Hello Dear

Welcome to IL....

I have this question..Every kid loves to have candies ....so is one candy a day a big issue???:bonkdo you give candy to your kids?? if yes then why not think that you have given that chocolate to your kid?

You said your SIL has no kids, that might be the reason for her to feel more attached to kids, and more loving than usual,....why doubt her affection for kids? or treat her indifferently?

Does your SIL tell your kid things against you or your husband? or is she teaching the kid some bad habits??

Please be empathetic if possible. As your SIL doesnt have a child, she might be wanting to have kids, or as she doesnt have a kid, she might be more attached to yours to share that affection...

Dont be scared or afraid that her affection would create a distance b/w you and your kid...finally a mommy is a mommy no one can change that....but having inlaws and relatives around, who love your kid as much as you do...always helps you andd your kid in the long run...feels more safe and secure in this super fast world where no one cares for no one.

Reg. she not talking to you , might be she knows that you disapprove of her (might be because she has no kids of her own, or that she is closer to your kid or to your husband) so she is also keeping distance from you...to avoid any confrontations.

What ever happened has happened...but pls try to be a bit more tolerant and empathetic towards her you being a woman, you should be able to understand how painful it is for another woman who has no kids of her own. Our relatives, friends , inlaws and parents always spoil our kids by buying more gifts, or candy or something that we wont do some times..but instead of telling her not to give candy if you had told your kid infront of your SIL that, yes take the candy but save it for tomorrow, or yes take the candy but you have to brush your teeth after having the candy....such statements would have been more nice and also sound caring towards your kid and your SIL too.....just think about it...dont fret about it....but just be a bit more friendly towards your SIL and give her that support. Good Luck Dear

 

:iagreei completely agree with srividya,your sil doesnt have kids and you should understand that,you should not feel insecure about she being close with your kid rather you should encourage her to play with your kids and at times allow her to take care of your kid this will make her feel close to you as well and moreover by doing so your kid wont become hers,you will always be her mother.
instead of asking her to stop giving her chocolate you can handle the situation in a better way lust like srividya has mentioned.but now since you have already done the damage,nothing can be done about it but be careful in future. take care

 

My solution - tell her that you understand that while she has no love lost for you, she loves her brother and her niece, and that you really appreciate that. Tell her that you also appreciate that she likes to give goodies to her niece. And ask if she can, to please give her something else and not candy everyday because it isn't good for the kid's health. Take yourself out of the equation. She is more likely to respond that way.

Of course, regardless of whether or not you were right or wrong, no harm in apologizing for hurting her feelings. Tell her that that is not what you meant to do.

As a proponent of processed food is not food, I don't think you're wrong in not wanting your kid to eat candy everyday. Only, you can put it in a better way so as not to hurt your SIL's feelings. After all, it is possible that she doesn't like you very much because while she is probably struggling to conceive, you seem to have breezed through. She may resent that. I request that you not resent her for resenting you. There is no way you can ever understand her complicated feelings in this matter. You are in a better situation, children-wise, and it behooves you to be sensitive to her feelings in this regard and not the other way round.

JMO.

 

Hi friend

I totally undersand your concerns where you feel totally ignored by your sil and she being friendly to her brother and her niece but in this matter you have to let go a little bit. Since your sil is trying to conceive she may be very depressed and so seeing your daughter makes her give her gift, candy etc. I can understand your frustration where you are always kept at a distance, but in this situation just try to understand her. If you have spoken to her politely , not to give your daughter candy , i dont think there is anything wrong in that. It is for your own childs good. Just tell her politely that you didnt mean to hurt her or something .

 

well somebody has to go against the flow right?
I see this issue as 2 things-
if you are a parent who doesnt really approve of sweets daily or regularly then i guess your concern is rightly placed. I am not keen on my child having chocs everyday.. if it was with my kid, my reaction would have been similar. once in a while or weekly once is ok.. even then, i do tell people to give it once food has been taken. We have frnds who come over regularly..everyweek and they get cookies or chocs with them.. after the first couple of times i told them to either not bring it or if they really want to, wait till the lil one has had food.
Even when i get chocs or candys for kids, i first confirm with the mum if its ok to give it to them directly.. First time visits, i always give the candy/chocs to the mum rather than to the kid directly since i wouldnt know their policy. So i really do sympathise with the poster here about her concerns.
The fact that SIL doesnt have kids is not the point here. The SIL should respect the parents wishes. I have had instances where people thought i was mean when i denied sweets/sugar for a child less than 1 yr and gave restrictions to the daily dose of chocs while on trip home for a toddler!!

As for your Sils behaviour towards you, if she doesnt want to mingle with you the same way as she does with rest of your family, its her loss. But if she doesnt respoect your wish about what to feed your child you have your rights to put taht across.. talk to your DH about this too.. But this is only if you have a diferent policy for sweets.. tell her the reason behind not wanting your child have a choc daily.. Clear the air and make clear your intentions.

BUT if all this is just becuase you dont want your SIL to pamper your child while she doesnt care for you, then i guess you need to take a deep breath and just ignore! why bother about the relationship your child has with her aunt?

 

Dear

I guess you shouldnt have gone to her house and explain to her whys and whats or tell her what to do...remember its her house, her husband was there, she sure would be more upset and would feel insulting than what you meant to be.

Morever I guess you both are trying to fight a tug of war b/w yourselves..I am getting this feeling that its not about the kid or giving her the candy anymore...there is more to it..i.e tiffs b/w you both.

Again as I said before, yes be empathetic, but at the same time know where to draw the line.

Now that all this drama has happened, try to be silent, dont spoil your mind on what you said or what she did...if I told you to understand her plight, i would also say she has to understand your side of the worry too...Empathy and support should come from both ways...if only one side has it, the other side takes it more for granted and thats when all the dramas happen.You did your best to keep the peace and explain ...if she doesnt want to see your side and understand your difficulties, then no point in trying to explain again n again.

By the way pls do not try to explain anything to her infront ofyour husband/her husband. Take it up with her one on one when no one is around, where she knows no point in starting any high pitch dramas.

So keep cool. Dont worry. You did tell her your point and requested many times, but if she is bent up on taking it negatively, you cant help. So just keep your mental peace and take care of your work and home. Dont give in or try to persuade her to see your point (she wont). Let her come to terms of talking to you, then explain your point. till then...ignore and forget that all this happened (no point in spoiling your day about this)