They are Elders.........So what????

Proud_indian · Feb 26, 2010

Hello Ladies,
I havebeen an ardent reader of IL and you ladies are really doing good for women. Hope I will also get a solution for my problem.
I am married to my relative for 4 years with two years old kid and working for a well reputed organization in Chennai as a Project Manager with a six figure salary p.m. Like everybody else, I too have issues with my inlaws.
Infact till now i dont know what mistake I did to them. Though there were family issues between two sides parents but still they got us married for good sake. But every effort got into vain with my inlaws stubborn mindset.
God gave me everything in life at a very early age except peace. My husband is good, though not much caring like others but no rejection towards me. But can't judge the issues between me and MIL properly. If there is any mistake from my end, I dont hesitate to say sorry, at the same time if there is no mistake from my end, I dont beg their pardon for the betrayal. My father gave enough dowry (though I am against to it) and a lavish wedding and I was working and pretty good looking. I am not a harmful person to anybody and did my best whoever seeks my help.
THings are okay between parents and us till I conceived. As my MIL is also working din't help me thoughout my prengancy.Thts fine, but she started nonsense quarrels with me for no reason. Though I stayed calm,she got bad mouthed on me and my parents in all our relatives. I dont know how to react to it. I delivered a boy, dont know whether they are happy or not, but not eve a single day my inlaws helped us out in growin him. With financial commitments, I can't leave job and ofcourse its my hard earned career.
With continuous naggings and nonsense issues, I stopped going to them. dont know if its a right decision or not, because I can't feel peaceful there with my son durng my weekends.
All thest two long years, my parents helped us out in brnging him up. I know there is no attachment between my son and my inlaws. But can't help....they are not trying to get bond with him. They come on thier vacation for a week or 10 days and will take complete rest and my parents have to leave child with me and they go to our native. Again they will go back after their vacation is over...may be 4-5 times a year. That too they came here to spend with his son ratherthan my son.
Last time they came and went back, during their stay my son fell ill and got viral fever whic made us running to hospitals and hospitalized for few days. Though he is hospitalized, they left us saying their vacations are over. A big stonehearted fellows.
Though there were quarrels between my parents and inlaws, I personally dont feel any personal grudge on them because they are parents of my husband. But seems they have grudge on me and my son inturn.
They call their son usually and dont even try to speak to me....ofcourse I too dont do it. They will invite only him to their house, not me or my son. What the sin my son did to them??Just because he born for me?
Without my parents, I am not in a situation like this today......NO doubt, they are my God's.
But inspite of all these, my husband never utters a word to his parents about their behavior, rather he tries to convinces me they are ELDERS.
Till now I dont understand what is the mistake done by me or my parents.
I am financially supporting the family and my parents are helping us out to make me work.
Sometimes, i feel very sad for myself because they abandoned both of us, dont know what they are trying to achieve by causing this sort of mental trauma.
My hubby never says that they are thing wrong or mean, he never appreciates my parents or myself for contribution. Tell me ladies, did I commit anything wrong?? What I did was, I stopped going their home completely because of ill treatment.

ShilpaMa · Feb 26, 2010

Proud, when you decide not to visit someone or remain in contact with that person, it effectively means that this person doesn't exist for you.
Now what that person does or doesn't shouldn't affect me... even if they give us a royal ignore... does it really matter to you... do you feel related?

Its always tit for tat in InLaw relationships... and no matter what each party does, when they've decided to hate eachother... there's just no reason to reconcile or feel any better about that person.. either way from DIL to PILs or PILs to DIL.

Might live on as it is... only time can heal if it can.

Drpreethis · Feb 26, 2010

I agree with Shilpa.

You cut all ties with them because they were insensitive.. Now, expecting something diferent from them doesnt seem impressive. Just let go. Dont care much. Regardless of wether you gave birth to your son and they feel detached etc, DONT BOTHER ! Unfortunately only you can birth to a baby.. and your hubby can only contribute to it.. So, it a'int anything emotional that because he came out from you, he is being ignored.

It is a done deal isnt ? So, why do you even weigh what they have done / not done for you. You are simply wasting time. It is fair to expect a little love and care for your kids from ELDERS.. true. But when they arent offering it , " What is the point in feeling miserable " ? Some people lack compassion and so be it. You cannot force or compare them with anyone.

Dont bother to tell your hubby about what his parents are doing.. Dont expect him to praise your parents.. Do you think, he cant see it for himself ? Think about it. He is an adult and is a father. he must be having the basic sense to analyse things isnt ? Still, if he isnt accepting or talking about it, it simply means " he doesnt want to " !! You cannot make a person to talk to your favour reluctantly.

Learn to see relationships seperately. Do not compare your parents with his ! THEY ARE DIFFERENT !

If all you wanted to know is wether you did the right thing by not visiting them, then YES. Good for you and your mind. Regardless of how they treat you, you know what you can handle and what you cant isnt ? So, if you feel you are done with their acquaintance, then fine. You dont have to go, sit, try, please, expect and get disappointed. We all have better things to do in life isnt ?

So, if they dont want to be around their grandson, it is their problem. You dont take trouble. You live your life.

SriVidya75 · Feb 26, 2010

Shilpa and Preethi have said it well..I just have one point to add here...Your husband knows that his parents were mean and not sensible enough, but how can you expect him to accept such behaviour of his parents infornt of you...for men its a BIG EGO issue...they feel that by accepting that their parents behaviour is wrong they are doing injustice to their parents..Men dont know how to handle these situations..so the best they can do is...ask their wife to hush up or BEST REASON POSSIBLE TO GIVE is...THEY ARE ELDERS....with this one word they can shut us up...really...and we keep resenting and worrying inside...that why doesnt he even empathize with us.....but the problem here is there is that support deep inside but cant show it off due to that EGO.

Remember if he had not empathized with you..he would have big hue and cry when you totally isolated yourself from your inlaws and stopped calling or keepintouch. So dont fret over it..give him benefit of doubt and think he is not able to cope up with this situation and let go ...have peace of mind and happy married life..

momtoanushi · Feb 26, 2010

you are right Shrividya ..couldnt have said it better myself..early on in my marriage i too used to feel why my dh , who otherwise is so good , loves me so much , cant say a word in my support to his parents ..I didnt get the answer until i put myself in his shoes...

Foundlove · Feb 26, 2010

Dear Proud,

My hugs and love to you. I agree with all others. Please don't waste even a single thought on them.Go ahead and completely ignore.

Your husband probably knows all but does not say anything.As long as he is not forcing you to be with them or talk to them or do anything for them you are fine.

I have seen that guys know everything and notice everything.They don't say it...so if you let go he will be at peace and appreciate you more...He won't say it..mind you...but he will know.

Lead your life and you are so lucky to have your parents by your side ..and the dowry they gave is all your Lady!!! its Streedhan so don't worry they gave it as a part of their property. Its all yours nad no one elses.

Good Luck..

feduptocore · Mar 1, 2010

Dear Proud....the main problem which is bothering you is whether you are behaving in the right fashion by cutting off PIL from your life.... This is very controversial...
They are you DH parents so its is difficult to alienate your self from them BUT you can emotionally detach yourself...
It is this upbringing that we have which holds us back from playing tit for tat with elders and so this question is always unanswered in some sense...I had actually started a thread titled respect thy elders???
I for one have detached myself from all hurt and taunts which MIl can hurl onto me... I now treat her like anybody... if she comes to stay with me then she is a guest with a few special privileges...(I never forget that she is my DH's mom and this being his house also she gets all privileges).. if she is sick or in trouble I have the same concern for her as I would have for anybody else I know...
I will not go to her house unless I'm forced to or it is a part of my holiday itenary
No I don't think you need to feel guilty ... let events flow... don't suppress your feelings but do try and avoid confrontations in front of your son.. its not good for the kid..
I really feel pity for your PIL as they don't realise the time and affection and bond that they are missing out with their GS... poor ignorant things...
Go on you have a good DH and why bother whether he acknowledges openly what your parents did?? I'm sure he does it secretly...
take care
K

Proud_indian · Mar 1, 2010

ShilpaMa said: ↑

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Shilpa,
Thanks for your first acknolwedgement. Though I am not affecting much, but somehow in my heart am I doing anything wrong by ignoring them in my life. Basically if they are at my place, I take complete responsiblity of breakfast,lunch,dinner, 5 times coffess in between,soups etc..made them ready and keep in hot packs before I go office. But I can't serve them...I just keep them on dining table and will take my son out for walking during nights. THey will enjoy all the food and dont bother to leave me some food atleast............there are lot of days where I slept on empty stomoch. I can't inform my DH about my empty stomoch as he will bombard on me like you have to take care of your food,or dont you know by keeping extra rice/chapati which I hate to do at 9:30 or 10:00 PM.
No doubt, they agian bad mounth on me and my parents in our relatives. My image is getting damaged and highlighting me as a stronghead!! These bloody relatives dont bother what is right or wrong?

Proud_indian · Mar 1, 2010

Drpreethis said: ↑

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Preethi, I am a big fan of yours!!
Though I do have better things in my life, but deep in my heart I know that may be I am not a rolemodel and I am wrong.
But when I looked at my parents I feel so sad, because for my sake they have sacrificed their personal life, their peace of mind,money,what not?
They deserve lot from me! But I am not giving even 1% except giving them food. My hubby doesn't even acknowledge their contribution or my contribution to our financials. If they dont take care, I have to stayback at home which is a big loss. May be deep in his heart he may be praising but they worth atleast a Thanks from my hubby.

Proud_indian · Mar 1, 2010

SriVidya75 said: ↑

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Srividya
I am totally isolated, no doubt. My heart has broken and can't be patched up even for fun sake. INfact I dont know what is really happening there. My hubby dont care to update me atelast periodically. If I ask out of interest or courtesy, he give some one or two line answers.