how to manage DH's drinking... ??

jhalli27 · Jan 27, 2010

hi all,
im not sure what i have here is a problem or not, but will anyways explain.

DH and I had a love marriage after a courtship of 4 yrs. married for 1.5 yrs and have a 2 month old DD. he is a wonderful guy - very caring, loving and with no high expectations from me/my family. his folks are also cool. in short i have a perfect in-law house, touchwood!

my problem: dh drinks socially. i think im fine with it. but the truth is, im not fine with him doing so EVERY saturday. is once a week called 'socially'? coz i feel once a month is social. anyways, so thing he, no matter where he is or how late he works, saturday nights he HAS to drink with pals. i even suggest him that i will give him company and want him to drink at home..but no, he has to go put and meet with friends and drink. he goes, and comes late.. he is gone from 8.30 pm to almost 2 or 3 am at times. and everytime he comes back, we have a fight. EVERY TIME. but to be honest, not from him. its always me who starts it. simple reason is - i dunno y! i think i feel jealous or plain angry that he forgets everything else, but not his drinking schedule. my MIL too doesnt like his drinking every weekend, but DH is not a mamma boy and hence gives it back to her if she stops him..

my Q is - how do i stop this habit? if i tell my mil, she wil definitely support me. but i dont want her to scold DH for anything. i even defend him in front of her (lie that he dint drink). but dont want her to 'interfere' in our things. i dunno if im making sense , but basically i want to stop my DH.. but not through his mom!

asuitablegirl · Jan 27, 2010

I don't think drinking every weekend is bad. In fact my dh drinks either glass of wine or one glass of beer a day. But what I do think is a little unreasonable is going out EVERY saturday night and staying out that late. I wouldn't like it either. I think maybe once a week to get a drink with friends after work, for maybe an hour or so isn't bad. But until 2-3 in the morning? Personally, I think it's not right... especially when he's got you and DD at home waiting.

Ask him again to consider relaxing and getting a drink at home. Explain that you can stock his favorite drinks at home. Or, ask him if he would be willing to cut his drinking night short and come home earlier, like by 8:00pm. If all else fails... next time your mil calls on saturday and asks how you are or when dh is coming home, you could say, "I don't know when he'll be home. AGAIN he's out drinking, so probably not home until 2-3 in the morning...." That way you aren't telling her "Hey, scold him!" but rather you are just keeping her in the loop. Perhaps once she knows what is going on, she can positively influence him. Maybe once dh see's that TWO important people in his life think it's wrong, he'll reconsider. JMO.

jhalli27 · Jan 27, 2010

hey, thanks for the reply, was real quick !

well, i stay with my in-laws and i tink thats the main reason DH does not think about me being 'alone'. but i do feel lonely. because when i go to bed, im alone.

i have tried telling him 'get back early' but it just doesnt work. and what irritates me more is - everytime before he is gonna drink - he tells me 'tomo(sunday) i'll spend whole day with you'. he does spend time, but we cannot be out forever as DD is at home. and even if we go out its to a movie! but my main problem is - he not being when i go to bed.

if i force him too much he says im being a 'sadist' and cant see him enjoying. and trust me - that is the truth!!

mil has tried telling him, but he just doesnt care! infact from the day the baby is born, its a record that he is out EVERY saturday. there are even times when drinking happens thrice in a week. and no one can stop him - including in-laws. he says 'be happy i ask/tell u before drinking'. thats true.. but another truth is, my telling 'yes/no doesnt matter. he would still go. and about coming early - most of the times i have to call him and remind him of the time!!! plus point for him is, he drinks only if the next day is a holiday. also, he knows his limits and never seen him drunk only twice in the entire 5 yrs of knowing each other!

he says motive is to 'relax'... i feel really bad because i want to be a part of it. i want his 'relaxation' to be with DD and i and not with friends. but when he is drinking, he obviously is chilled and doesnt think of anything else. after getting back home he is perfect husband - talks romantic, doesnt get angry even though im fuming, talks sweet nothings, expresses his love, etc. but my frustration increases that 'Y DO U SAY THIS AFTER DRINKING.. Y NOT WHEN YOU ARE SOBER/NOT DRINKING'...

i thought after DD is born he might change. thats what mil says - be patient very soon as DD grows he will stop. but i really doubt it! at times i feel i should just let him be. but the same time i feel he is taking advantage of my letting him drink every saturday.

asuitablegirl · Jan 27, 2010

Hmmm, so actually it's more than just once a week! It's like, many times a week! Do you think he could have a problem with alcohol? Sounds like he might. That's tough. When people get addicted to something like that it's really hard to get them to see sense. I'm not sure what else to say, since you say he is not listening to anyone or anything... guess maybe you should see what other ladies have to say. Hopefully you'll get some more useful responses.

priya4prabhu · Jan 28, 2010

Hey it sounds like he is not addictive for drinking.. looks like he wanted to be with his friends and to show off his friends that he is enjoying life even after marriage...
1) The reason could be his friends are not married yet...
2) he is just showing off and enjoying the fun of drinking with his friends...

if he is of 2nd type... you can show ur involvement .. just invite his friends to home one day.. you can ash ur DH to invite his friends (oh dont ask the saturday night) ask for friday night or saturday afternoon or sunday afternoon...

have friendly chat with ur hubby's friends.. and tell them how much he likes to spend time with him.. in front of ur DH... and u shud also tell him that you could see DH happier because he has good friends and good family friends... enjoy the time... and send them back...

one day probably two weeks later tell him (dont open you mouth about drinking for little while) suggest some places to hang out with friends and their family for some weekend trip... and tell him then y not u reduce the habit of drinking to fortnight (once in 15 days) that way you can ask him to have fun.. also tell him u will not interfere his night out with his friends if he could come back home for dinner.. as you always love to have dinner with you when he is totally relaxed... try this out... hopefully it helps :thumbsup

Priya

jhalli27 said: ↑

hey, thanks for the reply, was real quick !

well, i stay with my in-laws and i tink thats the main reason DH does not think about me being 'alone'. but i do feel lonely. because when i go to bed, im alone.

i have tried telling him 'get back early' but it just doesnt work. and what irritates me more is - everytime before he is gonna drink - he tells me 'tomo(sunday) i'll spend whole day with you'. he does spend time, but we cannot be out forever as DD is at home. and even if we go out its to a movie! but my main problem is - he not being when i go to bed.

if i force him too much he says im being a 'sadist' and cant see him enjoying. and trust me - that is the truth!!

mil has tried telling him, but he just doesnt care! infact from the day the baby is born, its a record that he is out EVERY saturday. there are even times when drinking happens thrice in a week. and no one can stop him - including in-laws. he says 'be happy i ask/tell u before drinking'. thats true.. but another truth is, my telling 'yes/no doesnt matter. he would still go. and about coming early - most of the times i have to call him and remind him of the time!!! plus point for him is, he drinks only if the next day is a holiday. also, he knows his limits and never seen him drunk only twice in the entire 5 yrs of knowing each other!

he says motive is to 'relax'... i feel really bad because i want to be a part of it. i want his 'relaxation' to be with DD and i and not with friends. but when he is drinking, he obviously is chilled and doesnt think of anything else. after getting back home he is perfect husband - talks romantic, doesnt get angry even though im fuming, talks sweet nothings, expresses his love, etc. but my frustration increases that 'Y DO U SAY THIS AFTER DRINKING.. Y NOT WHEN YOU ARE SOBER/NOT DRINKING'...

i thought after DD is born he might change. thats what mil says - be patient very soon as DD grows he will stop. but i really doubt it! at times i feel i should just let him be. but the same time i feel he is taking advantage of my letting him drink every saturday.
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radhaparth2000 · Jan 28, 2010

Dear,

Did anything change after your DD's arrival? You ave mentioned since DD is at home he stays every Sat out. Are you spending more time with DD so that he feels neglected? Ignore my comment if this Sat night out is since marriage and not after DD's arrival.

jhalli27 · Jan 28, 2010

@radha - trus me, after DD's arrival i somehow need my DH more around me. i try my best to spend every moment with him. every night i ask him to come to bed early as DD is sleeping. invariably by the time he comes to bed, DD wakes up and needs to be fed . so i lose out the weekday night times as well! why, is there not ANYTHING else to do on a saturday? im ready to give him company to anything -dinner, movie, beach, ice cream - anything for him. but no - he wants to drink.

@priya - i too dont think he is addicted as he is always in limits and doesnt get drunk. but my Q is, y does he still want to drink every saturday? i think its more about spending time with 'pals' than drinking. and what do i talk to his friends? as in the gang - im the only one who does not drink. i used to initially, but stopped since last march. since i concieved and now since im breastfeeding. even when i accompany them i feel bored as i have nothing to do and im the only one who seems to be in a hurry to get back home. about dinner - when he drinks, dinner is skipped. rest of the days he comes late from work by 9.30 pm and since i BF, i obv cannot wait that late. frankly its been more than 9 months since we ate together apart from rare dinner that i forced him to take me out.. but again, never on a saturday !!

let me be honest. the thing here is - im ok with drinking once in a while. but as he is so ADAMANT NOT TO GIVE UP A SATURDAY NOGHT FOR IT.. i feel EQUALLY ADAMANT TO KNOW WHY!!!
deep down my heart says its not gonna change unless i become indifferent. but how?? indifference is one thing i cannot take from others, let alone be indifferent..
am i being foolish and chasing a wasted dream??

jhalli27 · Jan 31, 2010

ok, so yest was saturday and as expected dh was out to 'meet friends' for an hour and a half starting 9 pm. at 10.30 he calls to 'inform' me that they just got the booze. so obv i had to 'understand' he wil not be home before 1 or 2 am. i got pissed and argued after which dh agreed to get back by 12.30 am. he entered the room at 1 am and as expected i started cribbing (in a calm tone). after 20 mins, he lost it and started abusing me mentally. and then even physically...

SriVidya75 · Jan 31, 2010

Jhalli

Honestly....something is wrong with both of you...

A Wife who thinks she is wrong / that she is jealous in asking her husband to come back home early???

A Husband who abuses wife because she asked him to come home early as its not safe to drive / be on the streets after he is drunk...that too he is a father and a married man...

I guess someone gave me the explanation for social drinking on some other thread...Let me repeat that for you..Social drinking is something which a person does to give company during public parties/ gatherings...(not like planning to go out every weekend and have drinks till late in the midnight...)they can live without drinking for days togehter or can say NO to drinks when offered...some do this social drinking to save their jobs/ to develop friendships with the ones who drink

Atleast can understand what ASG gave the situation as...having a glass of wine/ one beer during dinner time..(thats what most of the americans do...thats how they have grown up...and for some to fall asleep thats the easy way..)

Addiction is something, where if you try to STOP that person from drinking, the person would abuse you and want to get rid of you by fight/flight to get what he wants...i.e drinks...Wiht out drinking as per their schedule, they would go wild, even if they control themselves for 1 or 2 times, more than that they are totally uncontrollable and would double the drinks the next time they start drinking..

Now you be the judge of whether its social drinking / addiction...

But planning nightouts every weekend till late nights, with friends..is really not something that counts as SOCIAL drinking..

To top it all...he is justifying his behaviour by calling you a sadist, abusing you physically???? and justifying abuse again by saying you are making him an animal??? There are serious issues here....beating up his wife when he himself he is a father of a daughter?? god save such men!!

tashidelek2002 · Jan 31, 2010

I would suggest that you look at the Alcoholics Anonymous (Alcoholics Anonymous :) and Al-Anon (for family members of alcoholics) (Welcome to Al-Anon and Alateen) and read through their literature about alcoholism. Some alcoholics are periodic alcoholics but this will get worse. Most alcoholics have an enabler...the person who lies, pays the bills, makes excuses and thus allows the alcoholic to continue drinking. I think you should educate yourself on this issue and proceed accordingly. If your husband is not an alcoholic, at least you will know. Those websites have free downloads of their literature.