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zero communication-how to start talking with DH

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by 1dropLove, Jul 23, 2010.

  1. 1dropLove

    1dropLove Bronze IL'ite

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    hello indusladies,
    Iam back after giving birth to a baby girl.things have become calm now and since iam feeding her i hardly get time to do housechores (which means MIL cant control,cant lecture me all the time)
    But there's one thing that still bothers me a lot.Its been one and a half yr of marriage and me and DH never talked.we talk to each other only when its regarding some task,or something v imp.a lot of days go by when we havent even exchanged a work...its like 'will you have tea','can you pls switch on the mat'...etc and it hurts like anything to realise that he sees nothing wrong in this kind of relationship.
    some days back we were just lying together and i wanted to take the initiative and talk.though it felt better but i was the one who seemed desperate to open up,all the tim i was asking some petty ques an he was giving short ans but without getting annoyed.maybe cos i dont do this often(like a lot of wives nag their DH to talk even when the communication is not so bad)
    it made me feel like he too wants to open up with me but not so interested.I wish it wasnt like a ques-ans round.
    Has anybody gone through the same thing here.....pls share your experiences.and ya one more thing is that iam kind of nervous around my DH and fear his reaction so even when there's only me and him in the room we never talk.I feel if i start a topic,he'd just run away cos he's not habitual to it.
     
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  2. Rakhii

    Rakhii Moderator IL Hall of Fame

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    1.5 years and still no communication? Oh my....
    My dear, talking is not nagging. Talking is talking. If it were the same, there wouldn't have been two words.
    Its OK....for life long communication I am sure that you are OK to take the first step and 10 more after that. trust me its worth it.

    Your husband isn't opening up...so you could start with something like, "you know what our daughter did today...." If he listens and keeps quite then you could try another conversation something like, "apparently when I was young...." After that don't stop. You can ask, "how about you, what was your experience as a child"?
    when you keep initiating topics like this and keep asking him "how about you" I am sure slowly he will open up. Worth trying.
     
    Last edited: Jul 23, 2010
    lavani likes this.
  3. SriVidya75

    SriVidya75 Platinum IL'ite

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    I am going to sound rude here...but pls tell me in what way are you diff. from the so called nagging wives you were talking about?

    You just had a baby. You are still feeding her. Your husband is understanding and not expecting you to do more except to take care of the baby. Inspite of you asking all those silly questions to initiate a conversation...still he was patiently answering but short answers...and STILL YOU HAVE A PROBLEM..so by the way who is the nagging one here??So do not look down upon others issues..Everyones issue is big for them may not be for us as we are not in teh situation.


    coming to your problem...How many months old is your baby? If your baby is just couple of weeks or coupleof months old, most of the time you would be tired and still those hormones would make you feel all that weak, and dull and down..I understand your husband can talk and keep you in conversation..but might be he is a MAN of LESS WORDS. However one thing you have to see is..he is not ignoring you or your questions.

    But still if you feel you both are not able to connect back again.. give sometime for all that. Becuase birth of a baby is a very stressful time to both mom and dad..so may be he has his own worries and thinking about responsibilities an dplanning etc..so look at bright side.

    Plan for one evening , after you put your baby to sleep, dress well, order some food, or make something which is quick and easy and arrange for a candle light dinner at home..just music and dinner...Moreover dont think that to connect with each other you have to talk..sometimes silence also speaks volumes..so enjoy each others company.. Be with him for sometime with no worries of baby or talks about baby etc..ask him how is his work at office, how is he coping up with work , did he take any leave for your delivery? if yes then am sure there would be loads of work piled up at office..so ask about it..

    Also please do not feel that you sound desperate or that you have to take initiatve etc..you both are couple..one soul..one family..you both now have a baby...how does it matters who makes the first move? as long as you both are happy!
     
    Last edited: Jul 24, 2010
  4. sita2223

    sita2223 Bronze IL'ite

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    1droplove, I remember reading some of your earlier posts and I remember you as being very patient.

    One and half years of marriage with a baby and no communication... is not good. It is really nice that you want to make this work and are trying hard. But when it comes to normal conversation, don't try too hard. Just be yourself and talk freely. The more you think... like, how is he answering my questions, is he going to be mad at me if I talk, he may not like to talk about this topic etc........ the more you are pressurizing yourself. Although you do have your reasons to be concerned, try not to analyze and relax while having conversations.
     
  5. 1dropLove

    1dropLove Bronze IL'ite

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    thanks Rakhii,Sri Vidya and Sita for answering my prob.
    I tried my level best and there was a lil improvement.Infact I noticed that his behaviour also changed though not much.after 40 days of bed rest at in-laws i started doing a few housechores.I felt everything had changed since now my MIL couldnt critisize me,she'd ask me to go and take cae of the baby and that she'd do the housechores.she would never keep a maid so she has to do most of the things.
    only in a few days she started showing her true colors again.she would be-little me saying that i cant balance btw baby and home and that in her time she used to attend a lot of guests veryday,take care of 3 children and that too all alone and she'd keep giving me more examples of other ladies who have 2 or more kids.and its not that i sit idle and keep feeding my baby but i try hard to do atleast a few chores myself like sometimes doing dishes atleast in morning,sometimes both times,making chapatis once or twice a day,dusting,washing me and baby's clothes....i had started wadhing DHs clothes too but she interferes,when im in kitchen and shes washing her and SILs clothes she'd take dhs clothes and wash them..its v silly to see her being despo to do this cos she always surprises me and tells me that she was just helping me.i like to iron my dhs clothes and ive asked MIL not to give it to dhobi but she did and on confronting,she made a big issue out of it.
    and on one occasion,i was supposed to give a suit to some relative who had brought clothes for my baby.she came to me and asked me to open my almirah as she wanted to see the suits.i opend and said in a poit manner that these are of my choice and i have more in the suitcase to give to the relatives.she blasted on me saying
    MIL: so you mean you wont give your SILs suits from your stock..when we have something at home,why should we go to the market andbuy...that way you'd make them sit in the market( tu to unhe mkt mein bitha degi) she used such ugly language in a v loud tone and didnt stop .finally she took one frm the suitcase and went.she just wanted to shout on me even if both of us were going to do the same thing.i felt like crying but my dh was sitting there and i know he had no sympathy or support for me.even in his mind he eally always believes his mom is right.
    I still tried to ignore all this but when my DH tried to control every lil thing i did,i realised i did a big mistake by coming back after delivery...i should have kept them waiting.
     
  6. 1dropLove

    1dropLove Bronze IL'ite

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    dh yelled at me saying that i never ask for any permission and always do everything my way like i should ask how many tomatoes,onion etc i should cut if im making food.i cant keep keep the broken toys of our dog which are lying here and there to anywhere without asking MIL.when i asked him what should i do abt the headphones which arent working,he said they are hers and i should ask her:crazy (even though she doesnt know what they are called)
    all 3 of them--DH,SIL,MIL are crazy psychos...if i list down crazy things that SIL does you'd just :rotfl
    MIL was making veg for lunch SIL says 'did u ask bro what he wants to eat?...why not!!
    when she gives him a cup of tea,she removes the malai and on seeing that hes going to drink from the malai wali side she'd take back the cup from him and put the malai on plate.
    they create a scene if theres something left in a v li amount and i give it to FIL cod it is his lunch time while everyone has eaten.it feels like my DH hails from a different planet or is about to go there...:confused
     
    Last edited: Aug 16, 2010
  7. parvathi1980

    parvathi1980 Platinum IL'ite

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    @1DROPLOVE,
    sorry for ur situation...maybe go to ur parents place and discuss this prob with them. I think u r all alone in ur house.

    Most importantly take care of urself and the baby.

    Maybe u and ur parents can convince ur dh to go for marriage counselling.

    I can understand your position. I have been in the same boat with my mil cursing my unborn child (her grandchild) that he will be retarded.:rant
    I don't live with my in laws anymore but my 3 yr old has been advised speech therapy. Feeling lost as well:drowning sorry for my whining.

    Take urself and ur child away from that house for sometime at least.
     
  8. 1dropLove

    1dropLove Bronze IL'ite

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    thanks Parvathi....
    i had asked my DH to drop me to parents place but he said he wont.I was feeling v lost,kinda suicidal cos this pattern would NEVER break (MILs mental torture,be-littling me and DH never talking,nor even acknowledging my presence,SIL pampering DH like a baby,im a peaceful person but now i feel jealous of the sis-bro bonding to the core) seeing things like--her drin king tea only when her bro drinks,her sleeping in the same manner as DH when he's resting in MIL-SILs room etc etc

    I didnnt want to create a scene so i packed my bag and left with baby.MIL ss iam aw me leaving and i ignored her.she was shocked no doubt.DH called my dad and told him,my mom told DH that whenever he feels im having some prob or seem disturbed he should take me to them.my parents went to in-laws place and talked but no outcome...they told them that i'll come back when im feeling fine and that im in depretssion right now.my MIL say much and she was only smiling when my dad suggested her to keep a maid as in this age she should take some rest...
    There have been some wonderful moments with DH when he'd cook for me,sit on dining table just for me,hug me,say bful things (all this was a dream come true for me cos since the beginning- 5months he was in frustration and only wanted divorce.)i just cant forget his loving side and wish he becomes the same man.
    I dont think they'll ever change and i want to stay away for atleast 1 year if not 2.
     
  9. incarnation

    incarnation Silver IL'ite

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    Hi 1droplove ,

    I feel a lot by seeing your username itself.That apart.

    Seeing your issues , I get reminded of my days my days which have recently improved after 6 yrs.

    So your husband will not improve soon, Guys like you explained are like that there are n number of reasons.But not to despirit and put you in despair but as a truth that changes take time.
    Good and bad news is that sounds like he will improve after getting big shocks or many small shocks.Shocks like totally illogical stuff your MIL & SIL does that has by no has any explaination on this earth.

    I went thru a phase where my DH who is very intellect in the external world but used to agree on crap from my MIL and asked me to follow all that , But if rules were for him , he denied and MIL was ok saying he is boy.
    So I confronted him that how can you have double standards where old rules you can break but not me .Also showed him how he behaves if same situation arises in his office and at home , how he behaves differently.
    Also apprised him of how ethics works , and reminded that ethics that are unethical at office are unethical here too , like I questioned him how he will behave in office for untouchability(postpartum untouchability in mycase at home) at office, slapping subordinate/manager , Silent treatment to manager/team on important issues , Misbehaving with manager due to inapropriate canteen food / company t-shirt of not his brand . I plainly asked if he can do same at home with me , which he did like slapping,silent treatment ,no sex and his mother did like when my parents gifted somethign she misbehaved with me for that dress not of her exact taste.
    So we have to make them come out of the fake and dirty comfortable world which they live in at our expense.
    What I would say is confront logically , siting correct examples.
    If is not open to communicating , then just ask him that you would like to talk to him for exact 1/2 an hour with "an open mind" where both will talk without interrupting the other. Always give him the first chance and ask him the list of things he would like to improve ( listen to it , note it , you may not agree with some , but later after u finish your points go back to them and answer truly what you feel about them)

    See , My husband didnt even initially agree for talks , I had to make him meet a relationship counselor without telling him ( I introduced her as a free counselor from my company for "how to raise a happy child" ;-) ) so he was ok and she took the matter to relationship very tactically and he atleast started communicating to me after that.

    Also I would ask you to properly articulate your issues and define them separately and properly before talking to him , it may take 3 days to 1 week to think on them.Some issues may be complex and confused, try analsying little more on them and simply state to your DH that you find it complex and is confused over them .

    Hope something from suggestion helps you.

    Be careful to have a discusion in closed room when no one else disturbs you OR outside in coffee day/ park OR night OR afternoon when baby sleeps and your doors are closed OR when your IL's are out.Else they may jump in and unconditionally support your DH and he feels he can say and ignore anything.
     
  10. parvathi1980

    parvathi1980 Platinum IL'ite

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    1droplove,
    ur probs are genuine...i think u r also feeling very low after ur baby was born...it happened to me as well...hated everybody and everything around me esp my inlaws...went nd stayed with my parents for 2 months...got a break...my husband refused to let me stay any longer.

    enjoy ur time with ur kid now...i remember being so engrossed with my own worries that i did not enjoy my little one as much as i shud have.

    talk to ur dh about ur probs...patiently tell him what bothers u...ur sil nd mil are trying to create a rift b/w u nd dh. Don't fall into the trap. what cheap tactics...
     

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