1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice

Youngest Sister's wedding and I am really tensed going to India

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Mitaraonew, Dec 7, 2015.

  1. Mitaraonew

    Mitaraonew New IL'ite

    Messages:
    17
    Likes Received:
    4
    Trophy Points:
    3
    Gender:
    Female
    I will be going to India on sister's wedding but feeling nervous with the thoughts what situations are lying there for me..

    4 yrs before , during my middle sis wedding and even after that there had been lot of issues and dramas betn me and in laws that our relations got strained to an extent that I totally stopped going at my in laws place; however never stopped DH and DDs going there.. my relations with DH are now improved for a year but whenver parents topics arise arguments start..

    now youngest sis wedding is just on 15 days but mu DH has still not booked the tickets (even after telling in advance)..I got tired of telling him that I am the eldest and need to be with my parents for help but his standard answer is I am trying to book ASAP.


    Now he is putting up conditions that I have to stay at ln laws place at least for a day or else in laws will not attend the wedding..while parents are saying dont spoil your moods with cry and drama.. You can go there after wedding is over..anyways we need you for help before wedding rituals ..Honestly speaking I agree with parents taking lessons from previous bitter incidents ..(MIL did not attend wedding spreading I insulted her not offering seat in the crowd in fact offering hers to a handicapped old lady.. God forbid it was not intentional I was tired of apologizing ) and then not giving her extra wedding invitations to invite guests on in laws side.. (again whome to invite was in parents control and nt mine)

    DH is also making excuses saying , hope his presence not required before wedding day as he has office colleague's son's mundan ceremony to attend 2 days before..
    From his talks I felt he jus wanted to be guest as a stranger and not to help as family member..I dont have brother and hope there may be some help required for my father ..isnt it obvious that wedding house will be full of hustle bustle busy with activities although may not be main ceremonies.. but as per him he is not asked for offering help and is simply sitting..instead let him have his own plans..

    Sorry I am venting out ...maybe this is an answer he may be giving because i am avoiding going to his house.. but this time I am preparing myself mentally that no surprises if even he chooses not to attend wedding..

    What fun people get spoiling life time events in someone's life..
    may be i am thinkin too much..PMS :(
     
    Loading...

  2. thegirlygirl

    thegirlygirl Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,623
    Likes Received:
    1,702
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    He doesn't have time to attend your sis's wedding because of some mundan of some colleague of his and you are expected to go and stay in his parent's house for when there is no occasion!

    Time to wake up and stand up for yourself OP!

    Your sis's wedding is not going to be affected by the absence of your in laws.

    Tell your husband you have the right to make your choices and his blackmailing is not going to affect you in any, convey this loud and clear.
     
    4 people like this.
  3. MalStrom

    MalStrom IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    4,191
    Likes Received:
    7,008
    Trophy Points:
    408
    Gender:
    Female
    Are you working? Do you have your own credit cards? Just buy your tickets yourself. Your husband can sit here and attend all the colleagues' functions that he wants.
     
    5 people like this.
  4. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    12,481
    Likes Received:
    30,224
    Trophy Points:
    540
    Gender:
    Female
    I remembered your older threads. Things went to the extent of depression medication etc.

    Time to start some new practices, forget some old incidents, and look at the future.

    You've worked enough years to not need husband's money or approval to book tickets. If he is the one to usually do the booking, time to start a new practice. This will cause temporary unpleasantness, but in the long run, he will not be able to put you through this " I am trying to book ASAP"

    Spending a day with in-laws: They are older now, and getting older. Your kids also need to see grandparents (and aunt) as often as possible. You had some years of minimal contact with them. Good. Just go spend a day with them as being asked. (This shouldn't even have to be asked. You cannot go and not spend time in their house when both live in the same city). If you expect in-laws to come to your sister's wedding, you have to go spend at least a day (gracefully) at their place.

    In-laws acting up, husband not coming earlier to help with wedding prep: On this happy occasion of the marriage of the youngest (last?) one in the house, do you really want guests who are sulking or demanding undue attention? I'd say invite them as usual, or your parents can invite (going in person and inviting with sufficient notice), after that leave it. If they come, great. As for husband, fine if he doesn't come before wedding. "Help" has to be given from the heart. It cannot be forced - it is like respect/love.
     
    9 people like this.
  5. aamrapali

    aamrapali Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    517
    Likes Received:
    980
    Trophy Points:
    188
    Gender:
    Female
    I will echo Rihana's response word to word. Excellent advice.
     
    2 people like this.
  6. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    5,952
    Likes Received:
    11,414
    Trophy Points:
    438
    Gender:
    Female
    Let me give you some advises by placing my self on your shoes.

    If I were you, I would say "Yes" to my husband's conditions to stay at in laws' place for a day, in order to expect them at my sister's wedding (obviously for a social reason).
    It is a win-win situation.. And who knows, this would change the whole past drama towards a good end.
    I wouldn't carry the past burdens in my heart this time while staying at in laws. However, I would be prepared to avoid any unpleasantness. In whatever the case, I wouldn't expect them to help me there at all.
    You can depend on your husband for everything. Tell him in advance that you are coming to his parents' place after a huge fraction. It is important for both of you to plan and be prepared. Openly ask him to help you when he is needed.

    For ex.. I would normally pre-cook certain foods for kids, and have ready-to eatables such as biscuits for the kids. Also, I carry their water bottles, just in case.
    I also take their bed-spreads, creams etc wherever I go with them. This case you have nothing to depend on in laws.
    Even if they deliberately delay the food, you don't have to rush to eat out. You have something to manage the situation.
    And it is just a day.. So manage it.

    In case, in laws bring up any past matters, ignore and move out from that place. This way, you won't be forced to answer them.

    For husband's last minute visit to the wedding... I would say "okay" for the time being.
    It is far better to go alone and help rather than having an annoying spouse around.
    Your parents are not depending on your husband.
    Do your best to support them...That should be enough.

    On the wedding day... Allocate a seat for in laws, and be watchful, just in case.

    Take your turn to answer all the issues once you are back with your husband- free from in laws.
    If I were you, I would tell him how nice my BIL and how much my dad respects BIL for what he was doing at the wedding. This way, husband has to feel guilt for avoiding it.
     
    2 people like this.
  7. Mitaraonew

    Mitaraonew New IL'ite

    Messages:
    17
    Likes Received:
    4
    Trophy Points:
    3
    Gender:
    Female
    Thank you all for replies..Currently I am not working -in career break and the annual ticket is sponsored by office so this time yes I am dependent on him.

    but as a last resort I will have to book by myself with my savings ..so I am just being patient for a while.

    Rihana, yes for that so called patch up I will have to go I am not denying evenif MIL had said she doesnt want to see my face and I should not step into her house for her last rites.. anyways MIL likes to control and put up conditions on everything..
    I am not sure what one day stay is going to make difference to her.
    Although I was not visiting their place I never stopped my kids do go with DH on each trip in fact my elder one prefers to stay at in laws only and not at my parents. I also tell him to call his parents here but of course I will not stay with them but will hire full time maid for their service.

    In their own words DIL is doormat and needs to be shown her place. She needs to be in kitchen cooking , serving and cleaning..Sorry but my instincts and upbringing does not allow me to be with such people even for a day..
    anyways I need to compromise everywhere for so called social obligations and societal norms.. of fulfilling their expectations but not expecting anything from them.








     
    1 person likes this.
  8. Mitaraonew

    Mitaraonew New IL'ite

    Messages:
    17
    Likes Received:
    4
    Trophy Points:
    3
    Gender:
    Female
    Thank you all for replies..Currently I am not working -in career break and the annual ticket is sponsored by office so this time yes I am dependent on him.

    but as a last resort I will have to book by myself with my savings ..so I am just being patient for a while.

    Rihana, yes for that so called patch up I will have to go I am not denying evenif MIL had said she doesnt want to see my face and I should not step into her house for her last rites.. anyways MIL likes to control and put up conditions on everything..
    I am not sure what one day stay is going to make difference to her.
    Although I was not visiting their place I never stopped my kids do go with DH on each trip in fact my elder one prefers to stay at in laws only and not at my parents. I also tell him to call his parents here but of course I will not stay with them but will hire full time maid for their service.

    In their own words DIL is doormat and needs to be shown her place. She needs to be in kitchen cooking , serving and cleaning..Sorry but my instincts and upbringing does not allow me to be with such people even for a day..
    anyways I need to compromise everywhere for so called social obligations and societal norms.. of fulfilling their expectations but not expecting anything from them.








     
    1 person likes this.
  9. mani75

    mani75 Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    119
    Likes Received:
    198
    Trophy Points:
    93
    Gender:
    Female
    Dear op,

    You have two issue creators and will try to address each one

    1 your Dh

    Has no backbone and is an immature person

    You can try the following:

    1. Set a date by when he will book tickets and go ahead and book them yourself after the date. It will set the tone for all future such decisions

    2. Don't expect him to help your parents with the wedding. He is incapable of understanding basic courtesy. Encourage him to spend time at his colleagues sons function. Let him sit around as a guest at the wedding. Ask him formally to eat etc. Treat him exactly how he wants like a guest. It's better than you having to babysit a sulking adult.

    2 Inlaws

    1. Have parents do a formal visit and invite them and your SIL. Get it out of the way.

    Imp if any gift giving is going to happen then - tell your parents to check the packet and take pics and send you before giving. Show to husband and inform him so that when MIL creates issues you can tell him - I showed you what exactly was being given - if you felt it was not upto mark then you should have said it then. Preferably let it looks expensive, with a "big price tag" left on by mistake which your husband can also see.

    2. Extra invitations - if it comes up tell in-laws that the bride & groom and grooms side wanted a limited members wedding.

    3. If they come for the wedding - welcome them graciously introduce them to the new in-laws seat them with your older aunts who are really good mother in laws so that they can learn from them.
    Or Seat them right in the front.

    You keep busy meeting guests being a host keep offering them food and snacks. Look busy.

    4 Go spend that day at in-laws graciously take some post wedding gifts like branded chocolates, mithai and a fake smile and close that page.

    5 when you are there do exactly like your husband does at his in-laws behave like a guest.

    Sometimes you have to do nonsense for peace of mind and anyways this is the last wedding in your family.

    Have been in your place. Three sisters I am the eldest. Usual nonsense In-laws / somewhat socially inept husband who understands their drama and hates it.

    For my middle sisters wedding parents visited home and invited them and also SIL family. Their entire extended family was invited - in-laws called everyone and told them not to attend. Long story short I was worried they will turn up not turn up - they didn't. My husband was livid with them. I told all those asked me - they do not go out often and will not be able to make it.

    Younger sisters wedding limited the invited to in-laws and SIL family parents came and invited. Dint expect them to come. They dint. I had a good time with my parents sisters and husband child.

    Younger cousins wedding followed. I dint allow my parents or uncle aunts to visit. I took the card and told in-laws - wedding in the family all invited. Went and invited SIL family. All formalities done and finished. When my uncle aunt asked they are not come - my husband and I told them we are here no then why worry.

    My advice to you is really let it go and grow a thick thick skin. Enjoy the time with your sisters and parents. Why does your father need an unwilling snil when he has willing daughters.

    I wish you happy times at the wedding.

    Mani
     
    1 person likes this.

Share This Page