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Younger Brother Married Without Parents Knowledge

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by hopefulforbest, Dec 20, 2017.

  1. hopefulforbest

    hopefulforbest New IL'ite

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    Hi,
    we have been looking for quite a few years matches for my younger brother. he is working and in a good job. after my marriage which is always full of issues with inlaws there was a lot of distance created. me and my brother were very close but after marriage I was restricted to even talk to my parents and brother. even if I did talk there was a big blowout and inlaws would make it a serious issue and lot of quarrels. at a point I almost felt that it is better I keep distance from everyone rather than to cause trouble for them because of me. I went to India after 7 yrs with both my kids and my parents and brother were super excited to see me and the kids. i was very excited too and the feeling that i was seeing them after so many years.
    i felt very happy to see my brother all grown up and very responsible and taking care of everything. he made sure my stay was comfortable and no issue arise. he was like a pillar of strength for me. my husband doesn't talk to my parents or any side of mine but he talks to my brother.
    when talking with my brother and the proposals he has been getting of prospective girls he told me he got married secretly and introduced me to the girl. it was so shocking that i didn't know what to say.
    he told me the girl was with him for the last 10 yrs. when i asked him why he never mentioned it when we talked to him and asked him if he has any girlfriend or should we look into matches. he was always silent and would go away from there. everyone thought he dislikes marriage seeing all the issues in my marriage.
    he says he met this girl and their friendship grew over the years. he had to marry her because her relatives forced him last year which i don't understand how they can think that boys parents does not need to know . i asked the same thing to my brother and he says dad and mom wont agree.
    im caught up in between now. i tried talking to my mom about the girl and what she told me got me completely aghast on the situation. this girl visited my parents without my brother knowledge and talked to them and gave them a warning that if they look into any matches for him she will take serious action.
    my mom thinks the girl is not good character and of low moral values.
     
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  2. Shreema86

    Shreema86 Platinum IL'ite

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    Not to sidestep your main question op, are you happy in a marriage where you are restricted talking to your parents ?? that is just not done. its a form of emotional and mental abuse.. Regarding your brother , I would say keep this to yourself , the truth will come out when it has to, you don't have to be involved in the drama. You are coming after so many years and you will go back soon, don't stir a hornets nest. once truth is out there will be a storm for a while , parents sulking , brother and sil upset yaada yaada.. after a year everyone will be fine .
     
    September2015 likes this.
  3. Sandycandy

    Sandycandy IL Hall of Fame

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    First of hugs to you, you have your stressful marriage/ inlaws drama and now have to deal with this.
    Your brother has married, it’s done now. Let him deal with the repurcussions of it. The only thing you can do is console your parents. Besides helping them with anger/ grief you need to make sure your parents are financially stable and hold on to their house/bank accounts / jewellery . UNDER NO circumstances should it be given to your brother when they are alive. Your mother should also be included in the will etc. this should prevent any future exploitation from the brother or his wife. Your brother seems like someone that is easily influenced , so this is really crucial.
     
  4. joylokhi

    joylokhi Platinum IL'ite

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    Dear,
    in this situation, it is your parents who are put in a really awkward place. The fault is clearly with your brother for going ahead. At the same time, knowing your parents would not agree to his proposal, he would have agreed with the girls side to conduct the marriage. If the marriage has been solemnised in a regular manner, say by printing of cards, regular marriage ceremony and if the marriage is registered, there is no alternative but for all of you to accept the girl and hope for the best in the relationship.
    What was your impression of the girl and your understanding of the relationship between them. If your brother is truly in love and happy with his choice of bride, there is nothing that can be done at this stage. Wish that things get settled amicably for you.
     
    Amica and Sandycandy like this.
  5. Nylaa

    Nylaa Silver IL'ite

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    I agree with @Sandycandy.

    I have question though. Did he explain what happened exactly? How did they force him? If they have been together for 10 years, what happened recently that caused her parents force him now? It seems very sudden.

    I hope this doesn't come across offensively but are we sure there isn't ... urm ... "something else" going on that resulted in this sudden marriage? I mean, I can only think of one reason for why a girl's parents would force a man to marry her.
     
    Last edited: Dec 21, 2017
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  6. BhumiBabe

    BhumiBabe Platinum IL'ite

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    First of all, I am surprised that your brother says that he was forced to marry this girl and did so without your parents' knowledge. I am not trying to criticize, but is your brother really interested in marrying this girl? If he is actually interested, I would expected him to really make her a part of his family, regardless of what your parents may think. Like @Nylaa suggested, I think there is more to the story.

    After meeting this girl, what are your impressions? Do you think they have a close relationship, or is there something else that has convinced your brother to marry her? It is so scary that she has gone as far as threatening your parents, so, I think you should help your parents protect themselves from any exploitation from this girl and your brother (I don't know him, and he might be a nice guy, but if this girl has that much control over him, it's better to be safe).

    Hugs to you, @hopefulforbest! This is definitely not a great situation to walk into. Try to learn more about the situation, and legally (and emotionally) what holds this girl has for your brother. Help your parents protect themselves, financially and legally. This is really a mess your brother walked into, and unless he is strong enough to make a real move, there is very little that you can do.
     
    Sandycandy, hopefulforbest and Nylaa like this.
  7. hopefulforbest

    hopefulforbest New IL'ite

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    @Sandycandy ,
    I forgot this aspect completely. my parents transferred all the assets like agricultural land and house on his name in 2016. hes sayng he got married early 2017.
    as to what my brother was saying is she is very well planned in most cases. her parents were separated. she didn't finish her graduation neither did her brother. her brother is doing financial business lends money for interest. they don't have any assets.
    my brother is building a house and looks like she is monitoring all the construction. all the ideas which he has been telling as his were really hers. he thinks she is very good with finances.
    I hate to be judgemental but its very difficult to judge another girl. at the same time im worried about his safety too. considering the way things are nowadays.
     
  8. hopefulforbest

    hopefulforbest New IL'ite

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    @shreema,@BhumiBabe, @Sandycandy, @Nylaa, @joylokhi
    thank you all for taking the time to read. it is overwhelming situation for me. my mother is diabetic patient and has varicose veins issue . she is suffering a lot . im already distanced to them . despite many efforts I couldn't manage my inlaws . now with this my brother will also be distanced. my mom put her life into us and all we are giving back in return is only turmoil to them. my mom had to fight so much to give us good education. she had most overbearing inlaws too and worse than mine. my dad was not supportive to her but at the same time he loves us so much so was ready to do anything for us kids. im worried for my mom and dad too given the situation they are in. my brother is saying he will move my parents to the new house which is individual and far. it has all the amenities but I feel they are better off staying in the current apartment. everyone in those apartments adore my parents and they were all telling me how much attached they have all become. all the small kids have become friends to them. my mom misses my kids so much . she gathers all the kids and spends time with them.

     
  9. hopefulforbest

    hopefulforbest New IL'ite

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    that is what I was surprised too. like why he never mentioned till now about it. many times my grandparents, my parents, myself , my cousins tried to approach the marriage topic with him. but he never mentioned a bit. im failing to understand how he met her too. she is in a different town, not even in the same school/college.
    he was saying he met her in a friends house. her mother knew about their relationship all the while. he says he didn't have physical relationship but they were close . so her relative took a hand in the matter because her father doesn't care for them.
     
  10. hopefulforbest

    hopefulforbest New IL'ite

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    oh well another thing is he says she is very good with gold . so she will be purchasing the gold that my parents will be gifting to my kids. my parents are thinking he was buying it but hes saying she will be involved. my brain is going nuts with the whole thing. its a 6lakh worth of gold. I cant even approach with this to my husband. if my inlaws come to know of this relationship I will be doomed.
     

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