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Worried about parents future..

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by ranirm, Oct 2, 2015.

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  1. Oct 2, 2015 #1
    ranirm

    ranirm Bronze IL'ite

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    Can someone help me how to make it clear to my husband that i will be there for my parents too like he is for his parents..he is sure to take his parents to our house and make me look after them..he has a sister too and she is taking care of her mil .so she thinks her as an angel and compramsing one and she casually says when my husband returns india she can feel secure about her parents and she can be relaxed.. and i dont know what he thinks about my parents and thier oldage ..but we are just 2 girls in our house and no son so who will take care of my parents,? How can i make him understand that i have to look after my parents also..and i also fear if my parents will stay with me later when my pils are with us..and i also fear if he will accept to keep my parents too along with his..so how can i make them stay with me too and how can i convience my husband that my parents will stay with me too??my parents are not financially sound too..how can i make him clearly understand that we both have responsibilities for both set of parents?how should i initiate the talk and make it strong?
     
    ranirm, Oct 2, 2015
    ranirm, Oct 2, 2015
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  2. Oct 2, 2015 #2
    satchitananda

    satchitananda IL Hall of Fame

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    You don't have to start dinning it in too strongly right away, because there is always the risk that your efforts might boomerang. Better that you occasionally throw in an appreciation for some daughters who took care of their parents AND DON'T FORGET TO INCLUDE A LOT OF RESPECT AND APPRECIATION FOR THEIR HUSBANDS. This is a psychological battle.

    When the time comes (and hopefully there should be a long time for that), go along with whatever has to be done and stand strong. If they can't live with you, visit them as frequently as you can and do whatever has to be done. At that time, make it clear that you cannot be partisan in your treatment of your parents and his. Both sets of parents will get the same kind of care. You and your sister have to take care of your parents with support from your spouses; so too, he and his sister have to take care of his parents with the help of their respective spouses.
     
    satchitananda, Oct 2, 2015
    satchitananda, Oct 2, 2015
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  3. Oct 2, 2015 #3
    yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Op...If I were in your place ,I would calmly bring it up on a good day as"honey,i was thinking that when we go back ,we should take a house some what midway between our parents places so that both sets can come and stay with us from time to time."

    Don't worry about sil 's expectations.....that is call conditioning.
    If she brings it up before you just say something like"I understand how you feel,I worry about my parents too like that.We will take care of both sets of parents"

    Don't let him/them assume that your responsibility towards your parents is not important.
     
    yellowmango, Oct 2, 2015
    yellowmango, Oct 2, 2015
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  4. Oct 2, 2015 #4
    ranirm

    ranirm Bronze IL'ite

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    @yellowmango: he is not ready for a seperate setup so that both parents can visit equally..he is very stubborn that his parents should stay wid us permanently..thats why i am fearing how can i bring my parents ..i dont how it will happen..
     
    ranirm, Oct 2, 2015
    ranirm, Oct 2, 2015
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  5. Oct 2, 2015 #5
    yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Ask him questions calmly...."How will we take care of my parents? "
    "When will my parents get to live with us?"

    Don't expect him to give you satisfactory answers...just keep asking the questions .Move away after asking...let the question hang in air in his face.

    Are you working? If not,prepare for it. Between you and your sister,you set up a fund for helping your parents financially. Don't let people dictate how much time you can spend with your parents from the very beginning. Let it be known to your husband that if you are going to stay with in laws ,then you will be spending generous amounts of time with your parents with your children too.
     
    yellowmango, Oct 2, 2015
    yellowmango, Oct 2, 2015
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  6. Oct 2, 2015 #6
    ranirm

    ranirm Bronze IL'ite

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    @yellowmango: i am right now not working due to my pregnancy ..but i am planning to start my career after childbirth and recovery..but its not only about money because though they are not financially sound they somehow manage..me and my sis will definetly wont leave them if they need us financially..but what hurts me more is what about love time and care which we are supposed to give them when they need those??they cant even stay with us..they need our attention too right like how pils recive my husband's attention and care..that is why i feel like banging my head against wall when i listen to my sil's words ..she is happily relaxed that she has her brother to take care of her parents amd talking as if it his only his responsibility and selfishly running away from her duties making her free from her parents..i fear seeing her he may think even i dont have responsibility towards my parents and i strongly doubt she is injecting those thoughts in him too coz he is suddenly behaving bad to my family..i also dont know if i am thinking selfish because in my other thread one poster told i sound selfish for me wanting to stay with my mom during my pregnancy..and for wanting to give my hands for thier future..may be i dont know if i am :(
     
    ranirm, Oct 2, 2015
    ranirm, Oct 2, 2015
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  7. Oct 2, 2015 #7
    indoc

    indoc Gold IL'ite

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    @OP...
    My colleague had this same prblm. she was the only child.. and they bought 2 flats in the same building.. 3 BHK for her family & ILs.. and one 1BHK on other floor.. and daily they have (very noisy) dinners together.. yes her PILs grumbled initially.. but now it is OK...
    noisy dinner since my friend is a bengali and her ILs are tamilians..
     
    indoc, Oct 2, 2015
    indoc, Oct 2, 2015
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  8. Oct 2, 2015 #8
    yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    OP...you need to find a balance between parents and in laws and work towards making your husband realize that he needs to find a balance too.Do it slowly.

    As for sil...you can tell her that daughters have responsibility towards parents too...specially towards parents who do not have a son.
     
    yellowmango, Oct 2, 2015
    yellowmango, Oct 2, 2015
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  9. Oct 2, 2015 #9
    ranirm

    ranirm Bronze IL'ite

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    Thank you @indoc and @yellowmango..
    I will try to implement your ideas
     
    ranirm, Oct 2, 2015
    ranirm, Oct 2, 2015
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  10. Oct 2, 2015 #10
    coolgal123

    coolgal123 Platinum IL'ite

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    If he is adamant regarding his parents stay with him....just casually mentioned him that we will be needing a big house where both sets of parents can be accommodated....see what his reaction on this...I agree with @satchitananda....yup should time to time directly or indirectly indicate to your husband that as your parents have no son so you n your husband has to take their responsibility too....you should condition his brain for this like your sister in-law does...
    Actually she is conditioning ur brain to take care of her parents when you will come back...believe me these kinds of indirect talk makes lot of pressure ....
     
    coolgal123, Oct 2, 2015
    coolgal123, Oct 2, 2015
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