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Worried About My 4 Year Old Kid Stubborn Nature

Discussion in 'Toddlers' started by Sweetygals, Sep 17, 2019.

  1. Sweetygals

    Sweetygals Bronze IL'ite

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    Hi,
    My elder kid is 4.5 year old girl.She is very smart, brilliant girl, poor eater. Would manage anyone, anything in this world all alone. For example, if you leave her in some unknown place and go also. She will do what she wants, and make others to work for her.
    But if she is with me or her dad or some known person, in the same new place She will not even talk with people in the new place. So she is very smart.

    So the very basic problem with her is her stubbornness. If she is stubborn with something she will not change her mind. If morning, she gets up and if she says im not going to eat anything today / not do anything. Whatever in this world happens she wont eat that day. Please note that she can even starve one full day.

    And for any reaction like no screen time, no play time, mom and dad wont talk to her. She does not care anymore. She is totally detached with everything.
    In the same case, if she is in good mood she will do anything/ eat very good.

    So the basic problem is her stubborness. So i dknw how to handle this. If i give up her for her, she is taking it as an advantage. If im so stubborn that she has do this. She cries, shouts and create lot of drama. And finally she achieves what she wants.

    My dh is saying we have raised a bad kid. Her stubbornness is going to take us in some wrong place. Im so worried.

    Please help me :coldsweat::coldsweat::coldsweat:
     
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  2. KashmirFlower

    KashmirFlower IL Hall of Fame

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    Setting limits with your strong willed child - book name you can find in amazon , i got kindle version.
    similar books on parenting.
    lots of google search, youtube videos, super nanny videos all together helping me.
     
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  3. Mehana

    Mehana Platinum IL'ite

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    Find her preference and set goals. Example: if she likes any particular toy or specific color dress or any food ...tell her if she eats 1 spoon of breakfast she can get those prefered items. Slowly increase your demand. As others said lots of videos on how to raise kid having stubborn or picky eater etc search for it.
     
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  4. YoGirl

    YoGirl Gold IL'ite

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    How much time do you spend with her on a daily basis? Is it during rush hour 6-8am or 6-8pm during cooking time?

    Do you take her out to park or childrens play area and for how long does she play with other kids in a day?
     
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  5. PurpleRoses

    PurpleRoses Silver IL'ite

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    4-5yrs is a common age group where kids demand attention and know how to get things done by screaming, shouting etc.

    This may sound harsh as a mother you may have to be a lil stone hearted to reset your child's behaviour.

    1. If she cries, demands attention or to buy something or refuse to eat, put your foot down and say that "no, this is not right". And leave from there. Leave her alone for sometime but ofcourse keep an eye from distance where you can monitor her so that she doesnt self harm but far enough to make her feel that her cries, screams wont bother you.

    2. When she behaves well, appreciate her and encourage her. Use words like " you're a big girl now", "Well done", " mumma is proud of you" etc and show appreciation by hugging her, kissing her and praising her.

    3. If she doesn't eat whole day, place her fave juice/milk/fruit/cereal/snack etc n say that mumma is angry at her but its her wish. If she feels hungry she can eat. Say this n leave the food within her reachable distance n leave from there.
    When kids are too hungry, they will eat by themselves. Dont pester her. Just leave the food n go. But monitor her from distance.
    When she feels hungry n calms down n sees that you are not around, she will herself eat it.

    This may not happen instantly but be consistent n slowly she will understand that her tantrums will have no effect on you.
     
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  6. mangaii

    mangaii Gold IL'ite

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    It is very important to have a positive approach towards parenting. What we think reflects on our actions. First you and your husband should ignore when she says she is not going to eat and carry on with your life. In fact make something very yummy and eat and never mention or talk about her saying anything . Just offer food and if she reminds you just act like you forgot she said that earlier. No kid is born stubborn. Different phases of life they test our patience. Be patient everything will fall in place
     
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  7. Rihana

    Rihana IL Hall of Fame

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    If you do not work outside the home, or if you have enough time after you return home, and if the other adult members of the household are willing to cooperate, you could try 10 days (from a Friday to the Sunday 10 days later, both inclusive) of not giving in even finally.

    "raised a bad kid?" I hate to break this to you. : ) You aren't even a quarter done with raising the kid. You both can stop giving yourselves mid-term report cards.

    All will be well. This is a common situation in many families. I was even reading that there are coaches/mediators who help families deal with such phases. The more sought after ones can charge like $150-$200 per hour for follow-up phone consultations after the family has met with the coach in person a few times. : )

    Find one book that deals with the issue. Like the one KashmirFlower recommended. Read the book and make notes. The notes can have excerpts from the book that apply to your family, and a list of do's and don'ts for you and your husband and any other adult who cares for your child. If you implement even 3-4 of the steps consistently for 3-4 weeks, you will start to see dramatic improvements.

    Parenting can be tough unless we are always in the pink of health mentally and physically. Stop feeling guilty about your parenting so far, and stop worrying about the distant future. Guilt and worry drain away energy like few other things can.
     
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  8. Sweetygals

    Sweetygals Bronze IL'ite

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    Thanks for the reply!. Can please help to name the book or links which you found really effective?
     
  9. Sweetygals

    Sweetygals Bronze IL'ite

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    Thanks for all your replies!. Im full time working time. But took 1 year break as i also have an 11 months ds. So i have recently joined back to my job. We have a full time maid who is there from her 1 year old. That maid is good in taking care of my kids. Even in this 1 year break i spent almost all my time with elder one only.
    Now after i joined my job she is worse.
    She goes to kinder garden from morning 8.15 to 12.15. Today she just drank only milk. If i offer any other food at the end she will vomit everything. All drama only. Finally nothing. And im getting complaints from neighbour that we are so noisy in the morning. So to avoid drama i did not force her at all.
    Afternoon after school she might eat or not depends upon her mood.
    But after noon we wont leave her usually without eating. Since this is becoming a habit.
    We pester her for food as if we give up she might starve or eat only 3 spoons. She is underweight 2kgs of her age already.

    So what to do in the morning especially??. If i dont pester her for food she lives happily and she will make this as an habit.
     
  10. ashneys

    ashneys Platinum IL'ite

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    I still remember this time when my kid threw a tantrum in public. It was in a mall, in front of the elc toy store. He stood right at the door n was trying to drag us in. We were like ‘no’. We had gotten him something from that same store the previous visit. Still ‘no’ was something that he couldn’t process. After that it started, He screamed, cried, howled, lied down on the floor, kicking his legs n hands - everyone were looking. Me n my dh were shocked n annoyed. We were blank for a second about what to do. But then we realized that if we give in now, we are gonna give in forever. We said ‘ok bye. You stay here’ n we walked off n hid behind a pillar.
    He was there till he was able to see us, then got up n ran towards were we went. Still crying. Once he saw us he held our hands n walked away properly.

    We told him ‘“repeatedly” that ‘we won’t listen to you when you throw tantrums. Scream or cry as loud as you want. N when you are done n ready to talk like a human being then come to us, we will talk about whatever you want and decide as a family together about it’ N we continued to respond the same way every single time. After a while, these tantrums, it completely stopped.

    N later, everything he wants becomes a family discussion with its pros n cons n he started understanding that this system works n happily discuss about it.

    There are many stories like this for different things were we had to act tough n not give in, we still have to do. Different age, different problems. It’s very difficult practically, but when you see the results, it’s really worth it. Now when people praise, me n my dh will be whispering ‘only we know what we had to go through’

    One friend, her daughter is the kind of kid who won’t listen to a word. She achieves everything by screaming. She screams anywhere, everywhere to get what she wants, n the parents plead to her but then run for her every time she starts screaming. After screaming n she sees them run, she will give this laugh. I see those parents exhausted n barely have any control even over their own life as she decides everything about where to go n what to do n all. Her tantrums are that bad.

    Two examples here, both kids threw tantrums, but how it was handled is what made the difference here. Kids are just that, kids. It’s the parents who has to mould them into something. Discipline is important.
    It’s not too late, put in all your efforts to fix her tantrums.
     
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