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Working Women Supporting Parents

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by whitebeauty1985, Mar 21, 2017.

  1. whitebeauty1985

    whitebeauty1985 New IL'ite

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    Hi all,

    This is my first post in this group.Not sure if I am seeking advice or venting out. Please help me.

    I got married almost 6 years back. We are happy with each other but problems are because of parents of both sides. I hate myself for not sorting this out before marriage as I never got chance to talk to him in person before engagement as he belongs to orthodox family.
    We are only 2 daughters for my parents and belong to middle class family. But my parents have educated us enough and both are working.
    Before marriage I am not much aware of financial status of family. Thought little bit bad but never know it's so bad.
    Anyway coming to story after marriage I was little bit supporting to my family and my husband was fine with that until his parents came to know this. After that he completely started blaming me for supporting. After that I got chance to go onsite. My in-laws agreed when they came to know my salary. I have sent money to my parents from there and it was some big amount. at the same time it's not more than what we are spending for my in laws (including their 2 daughters). All medical expenses of in laws are being taken care by us. We don't have savings at all. Recently my SIL got married and hubby got loan inspite of my in laws savings. They spent lavishly on wedding without much of their savings using our credit cards and all. Now my hubby started asking me to ask my parents for money which I have given when i was in US. My sister is ready for marriage and so my in laws are expecting financial help from me. I am not able to convey that my hubby is asking me to get money from them and not able to convince my hubby to wait till her marriage.
    If I try to say he is talking like my family is gundas and rowdies due to something happened earlier in our family. And he will say they will do harm to us also if we ask money. I am not sure how to make him know that I am grownup by them and don't have habit of touching other's money. if they are bad they should have taught me how to cheat and get money from them. He is talking like dowry is correct. Being an educated guy talking like this I am not able to bear this.
    Not sure how to handle this. can't a girl support her parents after marriage similar to a guy? why Indian system is like this?

    Please advice how to proceed on this.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 24, 2017
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  2. RPVAIL

    RPVAIL Silver IL'ite

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    whitebeauty1985,

    Normally I would keep quite knowing that the good hearted ladies on this forum do step up and give appropriate and to the extant possible helpful advise.

    You are right in supporting your parents, that being the basic duty of any child whether a son or a daughter. Clearly that help will be in response to a real need and at the same time is within your means. Just as your husband feels it is his responsibility to help his parents, he should recognize your responsibility towards your parents. Particularly so when you are working. But getting your husband into your camp is necessary for your peace of mind in your marriage. What his parents think about this topic is immaterial and should not drive your behavior.

    Try to explain the situation to your husband and work on getting him on your side. This is because while you have the right to support your parents with your earnings, it should not derail your relationship with your husband. We also should not blame the entire system for individual's meanness.

    Hope you will continue to help your parents and your husband sees the merit in that.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 24, 2017
    dc24, SunPa, madras2018 and 1 other person like this.
  3. Rachu123

    Rachu123 Bronze IL'ite

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    Hi @whitebeauty1985,
    For the advice on how you deal with this situation let us wait for the responses from all wonderful ILites here. whatever you are doing with financial support to your parents is right thing you are doing and it is your responsibility too. You are earning now not because of your husband or In laws. Because of your parents. Do not bend in this regard. If you bend now, think you lost it and you will regret later. Also, try saving for yourself too. Who can predict future with such people around. Yes, Indian system is like this , let us try to change it bit by bit so that at least we and our future generation will not be victims.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 24, 2017
    dc24, sangeethakripa, SunPa and 2 others like this.
  4. YoGirl

    YoGirl Gold IL'ite

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    I dont understand why "orthodox" rules apply to only selective situations. Is ur H being orthodox in all possible situations? If he is, then he should have stuck to the profession what his great grandfathers did. They do relax the rules there, but the DIL related rules are still heavily orthodox.
    Next time, ask for the money he spent on his parents and sisters. Ask him when they are going to return that money? tell him to think with his own brains and not that of his parents.
    If you feel your H overspent for his sisters wedding, then same rule applies to your parents too. Make it clear to your parents and your H that, next amount is on loan basis and that they should return it. whatever was already sent to clear debts is done as you were just being a responsible daughter and lending help. Next time, raise your voice when your H spends on luxuries for his folks.
     
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  5. shwethamona

    shwethamona New IL'ite

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    Whitebeauty, You are a strong girl. Keep up you caring nature. Dowry is bad. Helping your parents is never wrong. Ans since you also spend enough on your in-laws that doesn't give them the right to expect all of your salary. Getting your sister-in-laws married is not your responsibility, it is their parents or the girls themselves. Please don't ask the money you have given to your parent that would be so cheap(I'm sorry I dint find any other word to describe it). I'm not sure if you have kids or no, well in either case, a good way to save some of your money is to open a account in your kids name or a Fixed Deposit or take some NSC certificate in post office, even before you distribute your money to husband, in-laws etc. this way you save, and these cannot be dissolved easily. Taking responsibility of your husband his parents are fine. but not to the extent that you don't save enough for your future. Be strong in what you are doing and don't show fear, that is when they will demand and talk more. Don't speak much but when you speak make sure you speak the right words, that make them realize that you are not wrong in what you are doing, as long as u know you are doing right.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 24, 2017
  6. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    Agreed, your H and in laws are orthodox; hence they can't accept this concept of girls supporting their parents after marriage.
    But where were they and their orthodox rules when they agreed to marry an educated working woman? Where were they, when their DIL earned a salary, contributed to the household and also went on on-site to earn more?

    How come an orthodox family allow their DIL to work and earn salary? Isn't it crime according to their standards?

    It seems, your H and his folks are selfish. They pain their selfish nature as if it is their orthodox tradition.

    If they are truly orthodox, you have got nothing, but to adjust with their life style since you are married to them.
    But for such selfishness, I wouldn't advice you to be their prey and lose your sanity.

    You must play a little bit tactic to retain your sanity with such selfish creatures. It is not wrong!

    Refuse to share your pay ch with your husband, but do contribute to the family's expenses on a proportional share basis. Let's say 50% of each other's salary.
    Make a saving as much as he does from his salary for the family. Again, let's say 20% of your salary for the saving. This can either be saving for the future, or investment EMI or whatever as per your family's demand.
    And then keep some say 30% for yourself. It can either be your personal expenses, personal saving, or to support your FOO.
    Your H too could do the same. He can chose to support his sister or parents with that 30% of his salary if there is a pressing need for that. It should be his choice, and it would be great if his spouse (you) could agree to that.
    If there is no need, you could save that up.

    Same goes with your salary too. If you feel your parents need support, go ahead and spare some bucks from your personal money. You can share the details and discuss about this (as to how long you are planning, how much, and for what need) if your H is understanding. If not, go ahead and do your share.

    Your primary responsibility should be towards your immediate family. That is you, your H and kids.
    Not towards in laws and their children. So, they can't expect a penny from your salary.
    At the same time, if your H doesn't require to support your parents either. But, you could. That too after spending your reasonable share on your immediate family, you could also take care of your FOO depending on your needs.

    What is suitable, and how long should be genuinely discussed between each party and handled with some common sense.
     
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  7. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Op...please make it clear to your husband that it is your duty and right to help your parents.

    If they cite tradition,then ask them,since when did asking dil for her salary become a part of tradition. They can't choose to be orthodox for not helping your parents and liberal in taking your money from dil.

    Ask him if you asked for his help to get your sister married.

    Don't worry.....they have a daughter to get married....they won't dare cause cause problems in your marriage right now.

    @Twinkel ......nice to see you here with your humourous pics.:)

    As for mahi.....just a frustrated disgruntled male troll posting as a female.:rolleyes:
     
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  8. DDream

    DDream Gold IL'ite

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    OP, you are a working woman and you have every right to decide what to do with your money. Please don't ask the money you gave to your parents . If your Dh ask you for it, tell him that you have every right to help your parents like he is doing for his parents. If he thinks it is not right then he should ask first his parents and get all the money he spend on his sisters marriage. Then only you think about it.
    Don't bend in this time, if you do this cycle continues.
    Anyway, make sure that you have savings of your own. Don't spend your entire salary for others..
    Its sad, even now, people expect dil to spend her salary based on the decisions of their dh's family.
    My friend faced same situation , like pil's asked her to give her entire salary to dh. She refused and told them that she earned this job by hardwork. If she know how to earn a job she know how to spend her money.
    There was some turbulance.. but she was bold and firm.. now everyone is ok.
    So be strong and do whatever you think is right
     
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  9. chocolate

    chocolate Platinum IL'ite

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    Op, Helping your parents is your wish. Meaning you earn you are spending. Your in laws are not orthodox or anything. If they want you to work they are quite modern. Bu under disguise of orthodox they want you to handover maximum salary without you having a voice. Help your parents as much as you can for your sister's wedding . If in laws or husband threaten turn deaf ears. If it comes to extreme , be ready for that too.

    Your in laws , husband selected you seeing your lucrative job prospects. They are not orthodox per say. If they were orthodox they wud have found a girl like that. They definitely want to enhance their future prospects thru you. This incident may just be an opportunity to set a tone in your marriage and with in laws. You will share expenses upto a limit like 10/20k . Not anything over that except for medical expenses . If they want to splurge on SIL's or functions or gifts to them you refuse. By obliging once or twice after spending on your sister's wedding , you are opening a bottomless pit and splurges will only get bigger and bigger. Today it will be saree for SIL and tomorrow a gold chain and next will be a set. Never mind the fact that SIL's will have kids .You getting onsite shud be an avenue to build savings not looking into spending adventure for in laws. Next time play dumb to all such demands. Turn deaf to all feeds your husband gets from in laws and you will have tidy savings. Otherwise you will wake up one day after 10 yrs and say I didn't save a penny. Not to mention you will be saddled with kids and their wishes go unfulfilled.

    First stop keep savings in only your name always. Until you can trust your husband into having meaningful relationship about money. Good Luck.
     
  10. armummy

    armummy Platinum IL'ite

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    Tell your husband ,that it is your money and you are free to help parents and also let him know you are not going to ask any money back from parents and in future also you will give them money .

    There will be unpleasantness but don't give in on this aspect .
     
    NeetaR likes this.

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