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Seek the blessings of Sai Baba - Join the Weekly Sai Satcharita Parayan for 2017

Working Women Supporting Parents

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by whitebeauty1985, Mar 21, 2017 at 1:23 AM.

  1. whitebeauty1985

    whitebeauty1985 New IL'ite

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    Hi all,

    This is my first post in this group.Not sure if I am seeking advice or venting out. Please help me.

    I got married almost 6 years back. We are happy with each other but problems are because of parents of both sides. I hate myself for not sorting this out before marriage as I never got chance to talk to him in person before engagement as he belongs to orthodox family.
    We are only 2 daughters for my parents and belong to middle class family. But my parents have educated us enough and both are working.
    Before marriage I am not much aware of financial status of family. Thought little bit bad but never know it's so bad.
    Anyway coming to story after marriage I was little bit supporting to my family and my husband was fine with that until his parents came to know this. after that he completely started blaming me for supporting. After that I got chance to go onsite. My in-laws agreed when they came to know my salary. I have sent money to my parents from their and it was some big amount. at the same time it's not more than what we are spending for my in laws (including their 2 daughters). All medical expenses of in laws are being taken care by us. We don't have savings at all. Recently my SIL got married and hubby got loan inspite of my in laws savings. They spent lavishly on wedding without much of their savings using our credit cards and all. Now my hubby started asking me to ask my parents for money which I have given when i was in US. My sister is ready for marriage and so my in laws are expecting financial help from me. I am not able to convey that my hubby is asking me to get money from them and not able to convince my hubby to wait till her marriage.
    If I try to say he is talking like my family is gundas and rowdies due to somethings happened earlier in our family. And he will say they will do harm to us also if we ask money. I am not sure how to make him know that I am grownup by them and don't have habit of touching other's money. if they are bad they should have taught me how to cheat and get money from them. He is talking like dowry is correct. Being an educated guy talking like this I am not able to bear this.
    Not sure how to handle this. can't a girl support her parents after marriage similar to a guy? why Indian system is like this.

    Please advice how to proceed on this.
     
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  2. RPVAIL

    RPVAIL Silver IL'ite

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    whitebeauty1985,

    Normally I would keep quite knowing that the good hearted ladies on this forum do step up and give appropriate and to the extant possible helpful advise.

    But looking at the response (that being the first response) from Mahi1980, thought of stepping in.

    You are right in supporting your parents, that being the basic duty of any child whether a son or a daughter. Clearly that help will be in response to a real need and at the same time is within your means. Just as your husband feels it is his responsibility to help his parents, he should recognize your responsibility towards your parents. Particularly so when you are working. But getting your husband into your camp is necessary for your peace of mind in your marriage. What his parents think about this topic is immaterial and should not drive your behavior.

    Try to explain the situation to your husband and work on getting him on your side. This is because while you have the right to support your parents with your earnings, it should not derail your relationship with your husband. We also should not blame the entire system for individual's meanness.

    Hope you will continue to help your parents and your husband sees the merit in that.
     
    Last edited: Mar 21, 2017 at 3:13 AM
    dc24, SunPa, madras2018 and 1 other person like this.
  3. Rachu123

    Rachu123 Senior IL'ite

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    Hi @whitebeauty1985,
    For the advice on how you deal with this situation let us wait for the responses from all wonderful ILites here. whatever you are doing with financial support to your parents is right thing you are doing and it is your responsibility too. You are earning now not because of your husband or In laws. Because of your parents. Do not bend in this regard. If you bend now, think you lost it and you will regret later. Also, try saving for yourself too. Who can predict future with such people around. Yes, Indian system is like this , let us try to change it bit by bit so that at least we and our future generation will not be victims.

    @Mahi180, what a rude response you gave. I know for sure you are not here in this forum with good intentions as I see your rude, mean response for other thread also. Please back off if you cannot help people. Do not hurt with your words. Looks like you are here with that intention.
     
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  4. YoGirl

    YoGirl Gold IL'ite

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    I dont understand why "orthodox" rules apply to only selective situations. Is ur H being orthodox in all possible situations? If he is, then he should have stuck to the profession what his great grandfathers did. They do relax the rules there, but the DIL related rules are still heavily orthodox.
    Next time, ask for the money he spent on his parents and sisters. Ask him when they are going to return that money? tell him to think with his own brains and not that of his parents.
    If you feel your H overspent for his sisters wedding, then same rule applies to your parents too. Make it clear to your parents and your H that, next amount is on loan basis and that they should return it. whatever was already sent to clear debts is done as you were just being a responsible daughter and lending help. Next time, raise your voice when your H spends on luxuries for his folks.
     
  5. shwethamona

    shwethamona New IL'ite

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    I'm sorry, but I don't agree to this Mahi. This is absolutely negative. Firstly, please learn to spell the Bhagavathgita correctly. Second, Learning how to lead your family is based on your experience, and not just by reading a book.
    third, She doesnt have to listen to her husband all the time, there are certain things you need to need to take decisions on your own. Please give positive comments to make someones life better, not to ruin someone'2 confidence and hope, else just don't reply.

    Whitebeauty, You are a strong girl. Keep up you caring nature. Dowry is bad. Helping your parents is never wrong. Ans since you also spend enough on your in-laws that doesn't give them the right to expect all of your salary. Getting your sister-in-laws married is not your responsibility, it is their parents or the girls themselves. Please don't ask the money you have given to your parent that would be so cheap(I'm sorry I dint find any other word to describe it). I'm not sure if you have kids or no, well in either case, a good way to save some of your money is to open a account in your kids name or a Fixed Deposit or take some NSC certificate in post office, even before you distribute your money to husband, in-laws etc. this way you save, and these cannot be dissolved easily. Taking responsibility of your husband his parents are fine. but not to the extent that you don't save enough for your future. Be strong in what you are doing and don't show fear, that is when they will demand and talk more. Don't speak much but when you speak make sure you speak the right words, that make them realize that you are not wrong in what you are doing, as long as u know you are doing right.
     
  6. Twinkel

    Twinkel Platinum IL'ite

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    [​IMG]
    I fail to understand why aren't you living a life which you suggested... Go back to BhagavathGeeta times please, you are good there. Stop using Electricity, internet, computer and that would make your and all our lives peaceful. Nobody will miss you by the way [​IMG]
     
  7. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    Agreed, your H and in laws are orthodox; hence they can't accept this concept of girls supporting their parents after marriage.
    But where were they and their orthodox rules when they agreed to marry an educated working woman? Where were they, when their DIL earned a salary, contributed to the household and also went on on-site to earn more?

    How come an orthodox family allow their DIL to work and earn salary? Isn't it crime according to their standards?

    It seems, your H and his folks are selfish. They pain their selfish nature as if it is their orthodox tradition.

    If they are truly orthodox, you have got nothing, but to adjust with their life style since you are married to them.
    But for such selfishness, I wouldn't advice you to be their prey and lose your sanity.

    You must play a little bit tactic to retain your sanity with such selfish creatures. It is not wrong!

    Refuse to share your pay ch with your husband, but do contribute to the family's expenses on a proportional share basis. Let's say 50% of each other's salary.
    Make a saving as much as he does from his salary for the family. Again, let's say 20% of your salary for the saving. This can either be saving for the future, or investment EMI or whatever as per your family's demand.
    And then keep some say 30% for yourself. It can either be your personal expenses, personal saving, or to support your FOO.
    Your H too could do the same. He can chose to support his sister or parents with that 30% of his salary if there is a pressing need for that. It should be his choice, and it would be great if his spouse (you) could agree to that.
    If there is no need, you could save that up.

    Same goes with your salary too. If you feel your parents need support, go ahead and spare some bucks from your personal money. You can share the details and discuss about this (as to how long you are planning, how much, and for what need) if your H is understanding. If not, go ahead and do your share.

    Your primary responsibility should be towards your immediate family. That is you, your H and kids.
    Not towards in laws and their children. So, they can't expect a penny from your salary.
    At the same time, if your H doesn't require to support your parents either. But, you could. That too after spending your reasonable share on your immediate family, you could also take care of your FOO depending on your needs.

    What is suitable, and how long should be genuinely discussed between each party and handled with some common sense.
     
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  8. fourthaugust

    fourthaugust Silver IL'ite

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    Is it wrong to help our parents ? Who are you lady and what is wrong with you . I have seen couple of your posts in other threads where you are always blaming the original poster. Please go and sort out your thinking first.
     
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  9. fourthaugust

    fourthaugust Silver IL'ite

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    yea
    yeah, she deserves that.
     
    Twinkel likes this.
  10. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Op...please make it clear to your husband that it is your duty and right to help your parents.

    If they cite tradition,then ask them,since when did asking dil for her salary become a part of tradition. They can't choose to be orthodox for not helping your parents and liberal in taking your money from dil.

    Ask him if you asked for his help to get your sister married.

    Don't worry.....they have a daughter to get married....they won't dare cause cause problems in your marriage right now.

    @Twinkel ......nice to see you here with your humourous pics.:)

    As for mahi.....just a frustrated disgruntled male troll posting as a female.:rolleyes:
     
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