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Working mothers - Do you feel guilty for not giving quality time to kids?

Discussion in 'Schoolgoers & Teens' started by Emarald, Oct 17, 2014.

  1. Emarald

    Emarald Silver IL'ite

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    I am working mother of 2 school going kids. I have been working for several years. First to save money then to get green card then for house, there was something or other. Now I want to take break since my older is already teenage. But fear of unknown stops me from taking break. Anyone in same boat?
     
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  2. DKI

    DKI Platinum IL'ite

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    I'll answer to your post title first - YES! I feel very guilty that I can't spend enough time with him even though I work from home 2 days a week and the other days I am home about 30 minutes after he gets home. My husband also works from home 2 separate days, so he is covered for 4 days.

    But that sudden pang of missing him so much when I am at work never ever goes away. Always comes when I least expect it. These days I have a solution for that. I simply send him a text message that I miss him a lot and love him a lot. He will see the message when he switches on his phone when school gets out.

    I sometimes tell myself that I am just preparing in advance for him leaving us and going off to college.
     
  3. gauridinesh

    gauridinesh Platinum IL'ite

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    This is an article I wrote that got published on rediff. The question was is Mrs.Indra nooi (CEO of pepsico) right in telling that women cannot have it all.
    -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Everday I have to rip my heart out and hand it over to someone.
    I have to watch it cry and wail with arms opened towards me.
    I have to fight back tears , smile and wave.
    And turn around and walk.


    Yes , Indra Nooyi is right. women cannot have it all.


    While in office, rummaging my bag for something - a tiny hair clip or a single sock can make me crumble and want to run back to the day care and hug my kid.
    In the middle of a meeting , I sometimes get distracted with the thought of that runny nose.
    Every evening when I have to pick up a small bundle that has fallen asleep crying for me, my heart lurches.


    Every time my elder daughter says 'can we go to the pool ATLEAST today?', I feel inadequate.
    When someone in the 'neighboring ladies committee' says ' I really don't know how motherscan go to work leaving their kids with strangers?', I flinch.


    When my friend forwards me the video of a maid harassing a kid with a note 'would you leave your purse with Maid?then why do you leave your kid with her?'
    and I HAVE to argue vehemently saying I would never leave my kid with a maid whom I don't trust with even my purse, I feel drained of justifying myself to people.


    Guilt,pain,futility,helplessness,tiredness - these are feelings I have to deal with daily.


    Yes, Mrs.Nooyi- you are right, I can never have it all.


    But when someone sends an email of appreciation for my great work,
    When my boss tells me how indispensable I have become to the team, there is a shine of pride in me.
    When my commitment is applauded in meetings - my heart beats a little faster with glee.


    When I buy an expensive saree for my mom or a mobile for my dad and need no one's 'permission' for it, I have a sense of achievement.
    When my team mates sometime involuntarily get up from their seat when I enter the room,it makes me feel respected.
    When my husband talks to his friends with pride about my promotion, I have a beam on my face.


    Most people think that women work for the money, the so-called 'double income'.But these are the small things in my 'career' that actually give me joy. The REAL reason that I have not quit.
    I feel relieved that I do not have to endure what most of my stay at home friends have to endure - 'being taken for granted'.


    But yet, the morning arrives again, and its time to rip out the heart again.
    Yes Mrs.Nooyi, we can never have it all.


     
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  4. ramyav_cse

    ramyav_cse Gold IL'ite

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    Yes. Yes. Yes. My son is only 3 and I work outside home 5 days a week. I leave even before he wakes up and pick him up at ~5 in the evening. And then cooking/cleaning etc follows...I only get my weekends with him but I see him v.insecure sometimes. In the weekends, if sees me at home, he wouldn't let me move and stays glued to me..he would even ask his dad to leave the house. My heart aches when that happens but I really cant help it. I was forced to take a break during the recession time since I couldn't find a job and if I took another break, my career would go for a toss. I have an employer restriction because of my visa and now I really wanna switch employers so that I could find something with a WFH option but cant :(
     
  5. Alildream

    Alildream Gold IL'ite

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    My mom was a working woman. As a child I wanted mom to quit working. I hated it when she would leave me at some relatives house or when she'd hire a nanny for me. I wanted her all for myself. I was jealous of kids whose mom were at home and feed them hot food when they came back from school. I used to take 2 hours to finish eating so that mom would spend more time telling me stories and trying to feed me. I used to pretend I was sick so she would stay with me at home and take care of me. She always thought I was a fussy eater and was trying to skip school...I feel so guilty about my behavior I am glad she never knew the truth cause I am sure she felt very guilty like most working moms do...looking back, my mom tried her level best to give us quality time and I was just a stupid brat demanding more of it!!

    I have seen mom work very hard at home and in her office and I am proud of her. She is my role model...she has always inspired me. Kids of working mothers are generally more responsible, more independent and strong! So ladies, please please do not feel guilty...
     
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  6. ramyav_cse

    ramyav_cse Gold IL'ite

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    BTW, moms of older kids - I need your advice. Do you think your kids need you as much when they get older? Can you please include your childrens age when you reply. I would like to know when it would get better.

    @Alildream: My mom used to work too and me being the oldest kid had the additional responsibility of taking care of my little brother too. It used to piss me off when my parents called me at noon to find out if I fed my brother. But in her case, she worked by choice and her way of looking at it was rather different. She says she likes to spend time at work as opposed to staying at home. She just loved her job.
     
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  7. Alildream

    Alildream Gold IL'ite

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    @ramya...aww u took care of your lil bro? Proves that kids of working moms are more responsible!! :thumbsup
     
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  8. peartree

    peartree Platinum IL'ite

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    My mom was a working woman too, though I never felt at that time that I was missing my mom's presence coming back from school. It also probably made a difference that that the society we grew up in is so different from what our kids experience today.

    In my apartment complex, though a lot of the kids were latchkey kids, no one was really considered to be so... the other SAHM aunties were always watching out for the other kids. I remember my everyday after school snack used to be something that my neighbor aunty (who is also a very good friend of my mom's) would provide for me. And we would be out, wandering in the streets anyway until mom came back and demanded us to go back! I even remember one time when my friend and I were playing hopping around with our eyes closed and I banged my head on someone's door... with no phones at hand, it was a neighbor aunty and the mechanic uncle from opposite our apartment who rushed me to a clinic to get me stitches on my forehead. Did my mom feel guilt about leaving me and my sister.... I am not sure. We felt adequately cared for, and understood and appreciated the need for her to work as we grew up. We could not have had the lifestyle we are/were blessed with, had she not been working.

    Now as a working mom myself, while I can't ever envision myself being a SAHM (I was one for about 4.5 months of my older DD's life), I do feel terrible pangs of guilt for not being able to give her the kind of time I would like. A lot of it has to do with her having no one but me to care for, the way I will. No kids to run out to play with... all her entertainment pretty much is dependent upon me and my husband to provide. With a second child on the way in 2 months.... the guilt has multiplied. But I guess the choices we have made, the lifestyle options we have chosen, all of these now do not provide me with a choice but to work, unless we hit it big with the lotto or the rich uncle from Nigeria who died and left millions of $$$ turns out to be true :)
     
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  9. Emarald

    Emarald Silver IL'ite

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    Thanks for your replies ladies. I was working on H1B for almost 9 years and then I got GC. Now that I have GC I have been thinking to take break but my career. But my employer offered me flexible hours so still working in same organisation. Workload is always more and I get exhausted, no quality time for kids. After office I am busy with cooking, cleaning, laundry, preparing for next day lunches etc. My baby crave for my time (I crave more than her) but feel so helpless.

    Now I have very good job offer (in government) which will give me more benefits like 401k, pension etc but no flexible hours or WFH. Thats why in big dilemma. My hubbys job & caree is good. He says its my decision to take or not.
     
    Last edited: Oct 17, 2014
  10. Emarald

    Emarald Silver IL'ite

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    I would strongly suggest moms of new borns and toddlers if you can stay with kids will they goto school then please stay. I understand need for financial independance, boredom and many more problem. But you have to work whole life after kids goto school so don't rush. Enjoy your precious time with your kids or take part time jobs. Even babysitting other kids who will be good company to your kids is good idea. That way you will have some side income and your kids will have company.

    I always wanted that any of my friend should offer me to babysit my daughter who used to cry every day while going to day care. But no one offered unfortunately.
     

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