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Word Of Advice For Pre-wedding Conversation With Fiancee

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by kkdevi, Jan 29, 2017.

  1. kkdevi

    kkdevi Gold IL'ite

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    hi Ilites..

    if you were supposed to give word of advice for pre-wedding conversation with fiancee what would be top in your list.. pls share.. I would like to get an idea on do's dont's ..

    Technology has improved so much and there are multiple modes of communication these days.. I m still debating myself if its good thing or not.. I'm sure we cant get to know a person completely,.. But just want to be sure that the base on which we start relationship is good with no misunderstandings..

    So looking forward for your views on this topic.. Thanks Ilites!
     
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  2. Rise

    Rise Platinum IL'ite

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    Be yourself.Dont try to impress and don't expect too much. Enjoy your time and get to know each other. Congratulations.
     
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  3. madras2018

    madras2018 Platinum IL'ite

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    I think people should visit a marriage counsellor for a pre-wedding conversation to ensure both are on the same page with regards to marriage.

    In the west this is a service that is sometimes handled by a church clergyman or priest who may also be officiating the marriage. He might talk about the instituition of marriage, as well as related topics of money and inlaws, and make sure both parties are on the same page with regards to that.

    More often these days both western and indian people living in the west seek out pre-marriage counselling to have open and honest conversations. Some couples realize how different they are only when go past the superficial topics and talk about the real issues they will be faced with such as

    1. Contraception & who will take responsibility (condom vs pills or other means)
    2. Whether you want to wait to have intercourse on your first night
    3. Where you will live the first 2 years of marriage
    4. How often you will visit your family or they will visit you.
    5. Plans for managing dual income
    6. When you will have a child
    7. Frequency of sex. Each couple can go into as much detail on the topic of intimacy as they are comfortable with
    8. Some ground rules on how you handle fights, how much information each will share with your respective families, expectations on spouse not letting them down in front of their inlaws etc.

    I dont know if you will take this suggestion seriously especially since talking about intimacy related topics pre-marriage in an arranged marriage system is viewed as taboo. But i do think that a lot of marriages will be happier if people discuss these topics before tying the knot.
     
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  4. kkdevi

    kkdevi Gold IL'ite

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    Thanks Rise..
     
  5. kkdevi

    kkdevi Gold IL'ite

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    thanks for sharing ur thgts madras2018,
     
  6. blindpup10

    blindpup10 Platinum IL'ite

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    madras- great job :thumbup:
    Well thought out guide for all the newly weds. Nobody tells the first year is the hardest especially in arranged marriage setting. The flimsy honeymoon phase is expected from the bride or the groom--that rarely happens in any Indian marriages be it arranged or love marriages ( as one is marrying the family+ groom/bride). If these topics are discussed ahead many couples will have a smooth first year.
     
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  7. blackbeauty84

    blackbeauty84 IL Hall of Fame

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    Read the book 24/7 marriage..It will give you the list of important things to be discussed.Other than that I think madras had given you great pointers.
     
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  8. rajatsingh

    rajatsingh Silver IL'ite

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    It will be really wonderful and healthy if you and him can achieve a comfort level in talking about the above mentioned stuff...

    but there is a word of caution : the attitude , the way of thinking and way of viewing the above said subjects will be totally different in men and women ....what appears to be normal to a man , may appear to be a total perversion or gross or disgusting to a woman.

    Hence just be informed that the ways of expression and the words used by a man in reference to the above said context, may be a little uncomfortable to a woman at the outset...

    .. just by listening a few, 'crude' and 'insensitive' words from him , please do not come to a judgement that this man is a pervert.
     
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  9. madras2018

    madras2018 Platinum IL'ite

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    And hence the suggestion of consulting a professional to facilitate such a conversation. The counsellor can bring up topics which these two can talk in private seperately or in the counsellor's office. Suggestions and guidelines when brought up by a counsellor may be more palatable for the couple. Also after the two have a conversation they can jointly or individually seek feedback from a counsellor to make sure they are processing information the right way.

    I know of two couples, who tried this approach before tying the knot a 2nd time. One of the women confided to me that had they had this kind of help prior to their first marriage, either the marriage or the divorce could have been averted.

    Overall i do agree with the point you are making @rajatsingh

    Other impt topics to talk about :
    If there is only one income in the family for a short or long time, how the non-earning spouse will be provided for. Will they have a joint account ? Or create add-on credit/debit cards ?
     
    Last edited: Jan 30, 2017
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  10. armummy

    armummy Platinum IL'ite

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    my younger cousins are getting married now ...one is getting married into a culture totally different than us .

    - My advice to her was be open and be willing to learn new culture and at the same time keep your own culture alive.

    - in general make sure the guy is financially Good , does not depend on ancestral property and has own good steady income . I encourage women to work so I let them know don't get into a relationship with a guy who will depend on the girl To be primary earner.

    - not give up job for any reason

    - Another important advice I give is to talk about financials before marriage and have full control on own income. let the would be know that some portion of income will be used for FOO and that girl has responsibilities for her parents and any younger siblings and will be pitching in when required. Definitely not surrender the income to would be spouse ...
     

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