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woman is the enemy of another woman

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by priyaj1986, Feb 16, 2012.

  1. tanoshii

    tanoshii Platinum IL'ite

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    I agree with most of your posts here. The MIL and DIL relationship can be LIKE a mother and daughter. But it not exactly that. And true, our own tolerance levels, MIL's and DIL's play a big role in this. If my MIL chided me, and if its for a good thing, I take it, in fact I take what I need from it and leave the rest. That extra in my head causes a lot of trouble, so why even bother keeping it inside? Same thing goes for her, but if she does not, I really don't care. It does turn out to be big trouble for many, but for me fortunately, I learned to manage. We have had serious frictions between us and we also knew how to work around them.

    And yes, I've got to say that we get along in our own weird way cos we are never in the house together. Either she was working when we lived in a joint family while I took care of the house. Or I was always out for most of the day when she's at home. Or we both lived in different cities. Good fences make good neighbours.

    As for the husband making sure we get along, I don't believe in it. I prefer if he stays away. I feel we are trapping him in between and the result is, we all suffer. Besides, we are two grown up women who should be able to solve our own differences. Touch wood, we have managed this way for long. But I can imagine families where there is a need for him to interfere to solve bigger problems.

    An outside enemy ruining the family, not just another woman brought in by the husband. The SIL who is brought in unnecessarily by the MIL and in some cases the husband too and in some case she just needs no sponsor!! She sees it as her right to protect the brother. The MIL's sisters or the FIL's sisters or the cousin who also qualifies as a SIL, a bad friend..you name it. There are always women waiting to butt in and impose their opinion. Who ever it is and how ever they find the right to interfere, it becomes the responsibility of the person who is allowing it to deal with it. Some cases are such that you manage to make them realise and put them in their place. Some aren't that easy. But being a woman herself, these ladies should know better. As long as every lady just thinks about managing her own family and sticks to it, there is no need or necessity for her to interfere in another's. If every lady remembers this, life could be easier for a lot of people.
     
  2. tanoshii

    tanoshii Platinum IL'ite

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    I've got one more thing to say here...I was just thinking - why do elders behave that way?? Possessive about their sons? Possessive about the traditions of the house? Possessive about the recipes and way of life they've set all through their years as a DIL? You can't really ask them not to. That is how they are and its hard to break their beliefs that have been built over so many years of struggle, even if they don't suit us or this current day. Unless they realise its not going to help or we give in a little and let it happen where we can, its never going to solve the issue. There are cases where it goes beyond limits and end up with hurting some or the other badly. I am not saying they should keep quiet and suffer.

    But some cases are such that, a little understanding can make a difference from the DIL's side. If the MIL is possessive and I didn't like it, sometimes I do it her way just to make things easy for both of us. It really does take a lot of patience, but it goes a long way in making things easy. Lesser the resistance, better the transition to a better life. If you CAN do what she is suggesting, but you have other ideas, offer them. If she accepts it, well and good. If she does not, there's nothing wrong in letting her do it her way. This is from my personal experience and sometimes it does makes it easy for me to assure her that I am not side tracking her and taking lead to control the family.

    Not every situation needs to be seen as WAR and argued about! I feel my mother has also been as possessive about me. When he refused to have a child, she went out right and said if that is the case I should no longer be in the relationship. That too was ruining my marriage. You can't really ask them not to be so sometimes. I am not saying everyone has to follow this, but some can simply to AVOID complications. And I myself have seen friends make a mountain out of a mole and spoil an otherwise good relationship. Where you can ignore and avoid further friction, we can at least try.
     
  3. priyaj1986

    priyaj1986 Silver IL'ite

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    Even I have had enough of experiences with my MIL.. I was very patient, silent which is not my habit though inspite of all her tortures.. At one point of time i could not withstand myself even knew its going to spoil our MIL-DIL relationship and I spoke up.. Good thing was my hubby supported me and gave his mom left and right..

    So as far as we keep silent our mental stress increases and one day or the other it bursts.. Its better to sort out the situations every now and then..
     
  4. tanoshii

    tanoshii Platinum IL'ite

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    I agree. Where you CAN try, give it your best shot. Where you can't, its better to bring it out into the open and sort it out.
     
  5. Mrudhani

    Mrudhani Silver IL'ite

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    Very True.
    Most of the time when i think about MIL i get reminded only of her greedy attitude to steal as much as possible from her son
     
  6. priyaj1986

    priyaj1986 Silver IL'ite

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    Yes even my MIL ordered me and my DH to hand over our salary every month to her.. We completely denied it and all her dreams were shattered.
     
  7. parvathi1980

    parvathi1980 Platinum IL'ite

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    I fail to understand why mils have so many issues with dils...my mil first had prob with my dressing sense, then she had a problem with my not knowing how to cook...by the time I learnt how to cook and we started understanding each others styles and accepting them she made another big issue...that I was trying to attract her husband...my father in law!!! So I think that women are in general insecure when they see another woman in their life...it is like we dils are invading their territory...the only solution is stay away from each other...
     
  8. SriVidya75

    SriVidya75 Platinum IL'ite

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    Can this be possible that, women often try to impress and be patient with the opp. sex (i.e men). but when it comes to being patient with our own mom, sisters, SIls, MILs, aunts, extended relatives, friends, we are too quick to take them for granted. sometimes we know we are wrong, but we insist to make them see our point to an extent that we are ready to loose a relationship at the cost of being right!!

    Another common thing observed most of the times...when a elderly women (mother/MIL/SILs/sisters) endure abuse and keep the marriage alive, they expect the daughters/DILs also have to take abuse...if they could take it, why not the younger generation is their argument...and younger generation defers in opinion here and hence the friction.
     
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  9. priyaj1986

    priyaj1986 Silver IL'ite

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    I had a different problem... My MIL did not like my DH talking freely with my mom.. She told that my mom has illegal contact with my DH.. i lost my father some years back.. i felt like killing her... She said she has license(Thali) and my mom has no license and hence she is bad...
     

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