woman is the enemy of another woman

Am I missing something here?! I don't think I disagreed with the views of JAG or SSC (except for that statement that I have to 'earn' daughtership...!) or said anything was wrong with it...can you explain what gave you the idea that I don't feel happy when women say good things about their ILs?!


If you are referring to my previous post on unconditional love, I do stand by it. I don't think unconditional love is even necessary for a good MIL/DIL relationship. Basic courtesy, respect, and affection usually do the trick! Apart from that, I do believe we have shared views that pretty much complement or agree with each other. So for the record (and to avoid a long-drawn re-re-reiteration of whatever I have said!), I believe BOTH DILs/MILs have to put in an effort to make the relationship work....And NO, I don't think you need unconditional love to make it happen or have a daughter/parent relationship to make it work. So if you enjoy a great relationship with your ILs, good for you. If you don't (whatever be your personal story), don't beat yourself up about it!

 

Its not impossible. We reciprocate what we receive. It takes both parties to make the relationship work - the right way or the wrong way is in our own hands.

When a DIL leaves her home and comes over to the ILs place, its the PIL's duty to treat her right. When they can treat guests and strangers right, why not someone who is going to be with their son all her life?

In return its the DIL's duty to respect that and reciprocate the same. If she is seen any less and treated bad, obviously she, who has left her family and has come to accept another won't like it. There will be friction. It can go wrong the other way too. Unless the DIL respects and treats the PIL right, they won't be able to see her as a daughter and accept her.

 

I disagree with this statement, it could be true for some but don't think we can say that as a generic statement. If we are talking about DIL/MIL dynamics this is what I believe...

If both living under the same roof then there are lots of chances of conflicts between them. Living with in-laws is not like living with parents. If my mum tells me off for something I won't take it as a big deal because I am used to it all my life but same from my MIL is not easy to digest. Same goes the other way around as well. Again I am sure there are very tolerable individuals who can stay under the same roof and still get along with out any trouble.

If not living together, then I can't see any reason why 2 rational individuals can't get along with each other if both make an effort. But I am sure not all DIL & MILs are rational reasonable people either.

I have to say my MIL treats me like her own daughter (& she has daughter of her own). I know she loves me but not sure if she loves me as her own daughter. I love her too but no one can take my mums place.

I also would like to add that I do see females getting along with other females at work and neighbourhood without any conflict or jealously between them. Bottom line I think is for women to broaden their horizon so that their life is not focused on one individual alone.

 

I agree that it's a two way relationship and it needs to be worked on. Even for the instance we take that DIL decides to treat her ILs with love and respect, if she is treated with suspicion and blamed for petty issues, she won't feel like being good. For example, in my case my MIL expected me to behave like my SIL(she got married before us so my MIL was missing her, and she anticipated that I will be like her daughter!), and she wanted me to behave like her daughter since my marriage, which was impossible. She didn't accept the fact that I was my own person and for every petty thing she had issue like "my daughter used to do this but she doesn't do the same"! If I do things in a different way (I studied in hostel so I am kinda independent unlike my SIL who stayed at home throughout her life), my MIL had issues with me being so different and she constantly compared me to my SIL as how my SIL was with her and how I was. In spite of the fact that I was treating her with respect, she was suspicious of me (seeing that I was of different nature from my SIL) that I will mistreat her, brainwash my DH and wont be good with my SIL. And all this while she used to say I want u to be my daughter but u don't treat me as ur mom!" How can I be good when my MIL expects me to behave like her daughter? She won't see anything good in me as for her being good means behaving like her daughter, if I don't behave or act like her daughter I am not good. And at the same time she won't accept me as I am like the way she accepts her daughter. If my SIL doesn't call my MIL, it means my SIL is busy and doesn't have time at work. If I don't call my MIL from office, it means I don't want to talk. When ILs say u say u r like my daughter they should not treat the DIL on a different standard. If my SIL says something to my MIL, she will get angry but later she will be fine. I can't say anything, and if I say something which according to my MIL is not right, she will create a fuss about it. She wants to meet my SIL everytime and wants her to come home, but she will give me instructions to give priority to the house and not to think much of going and meeting my parents and relatives. How can I treat someone like that with love and respect when I find nothing but unreasonable expectation and double standard?
MIL-DIL relation needs to be worked on from both sides. If it's always DIL who is making things work or MIL's unreasonable expectations to be met, then things can't work. DIL needs to treat her ILs with love and respect and ILs also need to be understanding and accommodating for the DIL and it is required for the MIL to be open-minded rather than suspicious, insecure or unreasonable, for making things work in the family.

 

Most of the threads are now boiling down to DIL-MIL warfare.mg:
We are forgetting the Other woman , the paramour out to trap unsuspecting hubbies and wreck marriages!!!
Women who pursue married men , flirt and derail marriages are also enemies of other women ie. DW.
Given a choice who would be a more worthy opponent, MIL/SIL or the Other Woman ?
An enemy within the family(MIL/SIL) or enemy outside ?

 

Enemy within the family, its not the mistake of DH. Atleast he is not involved in it.. But he may try and help to save his wife.. But enemy outside... then that is the mistake of DH surely and all bashing should go to the husband only..!!

 

Yes, agreed that DH must take care of the enemy in house as well. At least its not his mistake that they are behaving so. Its their behavioral problem. Husband can help you and avoid your problems. But regarding outside enemy, then the problem is with the DH. He let it happened. If he loves you truly, then there is no need to bother about outside enemies... That is what I wanted to say..!!

 

A DH invovled in an EMA is hand in hand with the enemy outside , the Other Woman, why will he side with DW?
A DW is alone in this battle as she loses respect of the family if DH spurns her.
In fact a DH can side with DW against a hostile MIL/SIL if he wants to, generally he doesnt because blood is thicker than water.