woman is the enemy of another woman

JAG

I am really surprised you made this statement:hide: I do not want to explain my personal experience...but there are women out there who go that extra mile...not to take daughters position but to treat inlaws like parents and take care of them and make them feel wanted and involved in our life....not like trying to dissassociate them totally....but still its tough to please some people....


I have example of several of our fellow members here itself....so I dont think its a privilege or some kind of recognition some one has to earn!!! If inlaws want to treat DIL as daughter...there wont be any ifs and buts.....doesnt matter how the DIL is .....do you care how your kid behaves towards you??? irrespective of what kid does as parents we love them.....and doesnt that apply to inlaws and DIL....?? if the saying of treating DIL as a daughter still is true??

anyways may be..I guess this is another angle I have to learn/understand that there are some women who think this way...that it is a privilege and DILs have to earn it!!!

 

Eh?...don't remember blaming anyone for not treating me as a daughter. As far as my ILs are concerned, I have never aspired to gain the 'daughter' crown from them nor have I whined about not being treated as one. I merely quoted an incident because it popped up in my mind the moment I read someone's question on DIL's being treated as daughters. Don't understand your eagerness to jump in and make much out of nothing.

 

Sri
U have to try and understand the intent behind a statement and the context under which it was made.
A woman has to truly accept her PILs family as her own before she can demand that she is treated as a daughter. I cannot treat my PIL as outsiders,try to cut them out of my DHs life and then expect to be treated as a daughter. Yes in that sense it has to be earned.
It wont be handed down as a gift anymore than a job /promotion without any qualification or hardwork.
I dont say all PIL are created equal just as all DIL are not created equal.
Many DIL are not even fair ...let alone ready to love their PIL.

 

Yeah I guess I didnt understand hte context of why that statement was made...having said that...I still think...its not a privilege to earn....when we are talking about treating DIL as a daughter........I dont think there will be any ifs and buts when it comes to a parent loving their child.....thats called unconditional love

 

So are u saying that no matter how the DIL is ...she is entitled to a mothers love from her MIL
In that case I beg to differ. I do not believe in unconditional love...just as I do not believe in loving spouses when they turn abusive or unfair.

 

SV,
I agree with JAG on this one.

Here is an example:

Your (not you as in you, in general) parents love you from day one, because you are BORN to them (there is some blood relationship there). That was reason enough.
Your H/W loves you, for whatever you are (basically for the person you are, and the love, care and affection you have for him/her). And also vice-versa
Doesnt the same apply to PIL as well? Only when they get to know you very well (and your care and affection for them), they can love you, and vice versa.

Basically in places where there is no blood relationship, we go an extra mile, to make that person our own (be it husband/wife/in-laws). And it does require an effort from both sides. At times the DIL, requires some re-assurance that her PIL love her too, and same with PIL!

So expecting unconditional love, like a one-way traffic, without giving unconditional love, will not happen!

Having said that, beyond all these some DIL do get unlucky, and some PIL do get unlucky!

Phew! Too much philosophy!!

 

yes this is waht I was trying to convey......

Its not always necessary that everyone who is nice to inlaws is treated as a daughter...and everyone who is being treated as a daughter are nice to their inlaws...(we have to remember this point....) and thats why no matter what the context is...privilege is a too big of a word to use...when there are so many ifs and buts involved....

These days unconditional love is not found b/w blood relations itself....mothers threatening sons emotionally...parents abusing sons/daughters who dont agree with them....so we cant expect unconditional love from inlaws....(that is way too high of a benchmark) but for every rule there is an exception...and blessed are those who get that daughter treatment from inlaws...and we have to remember that those who are not treated as a daughter by their inlaws....those DILs are not always the devils or abusive ones.

 

And it's for this exact reason that I personally don't expect to be treated as a daughter by anyone other than my parents! I do believe in unconditional love...given my personal experience as well as those of many women in my family and friends circle, I am skeptical of this form of love expressed in a DIL/MIL relationship.

BUT, if some of you enjoy it, good for you! Maybe you earned it...maybe you didn't have to earn it...when all is said and done, relationships with ILs are subjective, of different shades, and varying dynamics. It's easy to sit in an armchair half-way across the globe and assume things about the lives of those who post on these forums and make judgments. I guess each of us have to decide what works in our individual circumstances. There are many women here who have slogged all their lives to please monsters-in-law and abusive husbands and cry themselves to bed each night. There are others who get on with their ILs like a house on fire! And then there are some who choose to maintain a cordial distance, throwing away all expectations of being treated as a daughter, and doing what is needed to keep relationships with ILs from breaking beyond repair. I have personally experienced unconditional love from three sources - God, my parents, and my hubby. I don't think I need it from anywhere else! (While I hope my baby will return my love, I am definitely not banking on it! lol)

So I think we can all agree that both DILs and MILs have to put in effort to make the relationship work (daughter, mother, DIL, MIL...whatever works!)...wherever it is one-sided, with a hidden agenda, placed as a 'demand', or based on "conditions" it is bound to lead to resentment and bitterness.

 

Privilege : a grant to an individual, corporation, etc., of a special right or immunity, under certain conditions.
The condition being...the DIL is fair....and treats her PIL as she would like her DH to treat her parents or her brothers wife to treat her own parents.

Yes in spite of this sometimes things dont work out....that is sad. Just as there are unlucky DILs there are terribly unlucky PILs

 

CJ

I guess just JAG & SSC are expressing their thoughts on what they have experienced....nothin wrong isnt it?

I feel happy when I read women saying they have good inlaws......dont you think these are positive signs and we need some positivity around (after all those husband n inlaw bashing threads??)....

and I agree to your point CJ which JAG also mentioned....

Its better for those unlucky DILs and TERRIBLY unlucky PILs to stay away from the nasty PIL or nasty DILs rather than trying to push each other to accept what they are...some times its better to agree to disagree and then move on rather than pushing our opinion on to others....peace is more important...and if someone doesnt like us...better to stay away from them and hope good for those who cant accept us.