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Wife Becoming Neighbourhood For Husband

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Reesha, Apr 16, 2019.

  1. Reesha

    Reesha Silver IL'ite

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    if i do like that, it leads to divorce which i dont want.i and husband dont have right to spoil kids life. my husband dont respect me internally. but he afraid if i start equally earning. his weekness is his parents and their care. and more ever no one taught our ancient values. i have started that process now
     
  2. KashmirFlower

    KashmirFlower IL Hall of Fame

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    @Reesha

    Don't you think by this you are hurting his and his parents egos, which will have bad effect on you based on how egostic they are and how can they create problems for you? infront of neighbors etc how it looks?

    May be if you go to your parents, or another city because of job etc, they would be ok than your current plan, I ididn' read your old posts though.
     
  3. Shreema86

    Shreema86 Gold IL'ite

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    Go for it..Atleast you are doing something , better than doing nothing .. Good luck.
     
  4. winterhue

    winterhue Silver IL'ite

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    I think it is a really bad idea.
    1) Your husband is a male. FULL BLOWN EGO. He will see this as a direct challenge and will make you the permanent bad guy - the wife who cant stand the kind husband's old parents. The moment you sign the lease for the flat , believe me , he will see it as a big challenge to his ego. I am pretty sure all hell will break loose and your in laws will use it as fuel to increase his hatred towards you. You guys will not talk to each other , it will blow up at some into a showdown that will be much more uglier. You are imagining an ending where your husband suddenly feels "scared" that he will loose you now that you are earning and come running back to your hands. From my own experience, let me tell you, this will never happen. All that will happen is that you will get one more "blame" added to your hat of blames. Of being an arrogant wife.

    2) I do not agree with your logic of - he doesnt hit me, he treats the kids well, so I dont need to separate from him. When he married you, it was based on a mutual understanding of give and take. Respect should be a huge part of it. Staying in this marriage JUST because he doesnt hit you or is a good father is the wrong thing to do. Emotional abuse is also abuse. If you truly dont want divorce, then you need to figure out why you are doing all this (staying separate/kid in the same apartment etc). You are just increasing your suffering by doing all these, because I can guarantee you that he will not react the way you want him to.
     
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  5. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Op....unless and until you have a serious talk about this issue with your shravan kumar,this arrangement looks like you are getting yourself a home office and play area for kids.
    You work there and kids stay supervised and then at night you return home to the kids father.

    What was your reaction the first time he asked you to get out ?First time is the time you have to sort it out with him or it will keep repeating.

    You are an independent working woman. Why did you let him say some thing like this and get away with it ?
    When he was insensitive during first pregnancy ,why did you have another child with him before he changed his attitude towards you?

    If you seriously are affected and want to take some measures,then do it seriously . Taking half measures will make things worse.

    Take an appointment with him to discuss the state of your relationship . It can be done over phone too.
    Discuss...
    A) lack of respect for you . The fact that he can ask his legally wedded wife and mother of his children to get out shows how little respect he has for you.

    B) lack of concern and love for you. How can a man behave so badly with his wife who has just delivered his child ? Does he have no concern for your health and pain ?
    Does he care at all about you as his wife?
    Can his parents not make a sandwich for themselves if the cook did not come?

    Stick to these two topics .

    Op ,he is not going to change easily unless he gets a shock.

    He will get worse as his parents get older .
    This will continue till his parents are alive .
    After that ,he will try to sneak into your good books but you will be old by then.

    So discuss it with him.

    Don't listen to his ego talks about you not showing respect to him . You tell him before that ,that he shows no respect to you and you feel humiliated living in a house from where you can be thrown out everytime he gets upset.

    You are at your parents.
    Why don't you look for a school for the elder one near their place ?

    You continue working from home. Tell your husband ,you want to stay for a few years at your parents home till he learns to respect his wife and the mother of his children.
    Tell him you don't want your children to grow up seeingtheir mother being humiliated and told to get out.

    Your children don't just need a father,they need a father you does not treat their mother like a piece of crap everytime he feels his parents are not being treated the way he wants.Remember ,he is the role model for your kids.

    Let him learn to take care of his parents for a year.
    Let his parents learn to not completely depend on others . They are not bedridden.

    He has a wife who takes care of his home.
    Has sex with him.
    Gives him two lovely kids .
    Takes care of his parents.
    Earns good money to take of his financial burden .
    And he dares to tell her to get out.

    Give him what he wants for sometime .
    Let him worry about his life without you.

    Think about it .
     
    Last edited: Apr 17, 2019
  6. Reesha

    Reesha Silver IL'ite

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    Thanks @winterhue You analyzation expressing your experience. hear what ever plan i am doing is not for sake of changing him. i am trying to escape from problems because those are long term and unsolvable. until my in-laws are acting as patients, he will do pressure on me sure. they are throwing their work on me if i am at home. i collected data from my maids that they are so actively taking incharge of house, cooking when i am not there. that mean, they are relaxing and expecting me to take in-charge of house if i am inside even though i am busy with my freelancing job. if i take inchargeship along with two kids i cant spent even hour daily on laptap.

    mine is hourly based billing. so if i worked more i can earn more. and i dont have privacy at home.most of time i have to stay in my bedroom only...even for work...even for sleep. bed room dont have space to setup office table and chair. i didnt get mood to work where i took rest normally. i dint get feel of happily working because of toddler playing...TV sounds...cooking sounds...vessels sounds..so on. i am unable to play loud music for myself due to in-laws at home. unable to dance/exercise myself due to space constraint.

    and i knew it will hurt my husband igo more. but i want to give him hint, i can step out of house easily if he try to blackmail me like"if u point out my parents...or if wont take care my parents...u need to get out" kind of talks.

    he is giving silent torture to me. let me try in this way...what do you say?
     
  7. Reesha

    Reesha Silver IL'ite

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    thanks @yellowmango these same ideas i had already. surely i will talk with him. but he is not at all giving time seriously. even if he allots, he is getting frustrated immediately and starting emotional blackmail like, "i am doing so much...why you are testing my goodness so on...."

    in my past experience, he is reason for my bad pregnancy experience. i questioned him at night when my inlaws are not with me. he got frustrated, started crying and hitting his nose on my feet forcefully. some blood also came on his nose. and tried to move into kitchen to take knife to hurt himself.

    did you get my point, he is not able to balance his emotions easily like me even though he is lead of big team at office. actually seems to having psychological problem in him when he get angry. because same behaviour i have seen in my mother in-law. i think i have to take him to psychiatrist. but will mental patient agree to visit to mental doctor? that too egoist.
    some answers... @yellowmango
    What was your reaction the first time he asked you to get out ?First time is the time you have to sort it out with him or it will keep repeating.
    A) i adjusted for first 2 times, i thought in angry he said it but not with heart. but 3rd time i moved out with my suitcase to office. at eavining he made call and said coming to pick up me on his own. later no more discussions on that. that mean silently he down his head.

    When he was insensitive during first pregnancy ,why did you have another child with him before he changed his attitude towards you?
    A) FIGHTS WILL COME AND GO, BUT AGE WILL GO ONLY . my first kid is low immunity guy. and i too want girl actually in my heart. because daughter is only best friend to mom until death. dont ask how you i knew i can have girl only. i thought adoption of girl child if i again blessed with boy. but lucky god given my best friend only. :)
    i have multiple reasons to take separate house. i explained in another post of this thread. please read and suggest me your valuable feedback
     
    Last edited: Apr 17, 2019
  8. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Does he do this with others too or only his gullible wife?
    Does he bang his head on his boss's feet if he makes a mistake...threaten to slit his wrist?
    I bet he doesn't do this with any one else.

    He has seen his mother do this ******** drama and get her way .He has learnt it from her and using it on you and getting his way.


    This may help you with your professional life and help in getting some time to yourself.It may give you some peace of mind( provided your husband and his parents don't take offence)Do it if that is the aim.

    Your husband will still expect you to take care of home and his parents if you are going to be close by.
    I don't see much changing on that front.

    It will not help you with your problems with a husband who gives you no respect ....so don't have that expectations.
     
    Last edited: Apr 17, 2019
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  9. nakshatra1

    nakshatra1 Platinum IL'ite

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    I agree.
     
  10. DDream

    DDream Platinum IL'ite

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    OP, You should talk with your husband on your decision and why it is so? If not, he will not have any clue and he wont change or get the message you are trying to convey. Make it very clear that you dont have any problem if he spent time with his parents, but he should do the same with you too. Explain to him why you are hurt. This arrangement appears like a new work place- you get more space and time. But you will be going through the same emotional struggle everyday once you are back there in the evening. If this so, why not take another apartment slightly away from PILS home.

    Sometimes, the question of why DIL is staying near but in a separate house kind of questions by the people around can hurt your PILS and can elevate the issue. I think the best option is staying with your parents for the time being, till he gets the message. But set the conditions when you decide to go back. Change should come from him , all you can control is your actions and responses. Good luck.
     

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