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Wife becoming a problem! Help!!!

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by friend2009, Nov 20, 2009.

  1. friend2009

    friend2009 New IL'ite

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    Hello Ladies:
    I am married and have kids. My wife is otherwise very nice to me but when it comes to my parents she has issues. Ours was a arranged marriage 10yrs back. Soon after marriage we came to US since my job was here. We stayed with parents after our marriage for only a week. I don't know what she has analyzed in that one week that she passes comments about my parents till now even infront of the kids as to how my parents eat,talk etc etc. After that whenever we went to visit she will not come to my parents house. My parents live in a village and so first when we land in India we go to her parents (my in-laws) house and after couple or 3 days leave to my parents house. She never talks over phone also to my parents. I have to go to my parents house minus wife and kids and then after few days I have to go to her house as her mom comes up with some party or celebration and they need a son-in-law at that time.She never accompanied me except for once when that too some elderly person her relative was there and she said how can you not go to you inlaws house with your husband? You need to go and then she very grudgingly came along but after 3 days she said she needs to go. Her complaint is why can't they come and live in the city since she doesn't like to go to village where there are no amenities and moreover my parents are so old-fashioned in their ways. They never asked her to be like that then what is her problem? Ladies, I have been in US for more than 15 yrs and my parents have everything they need even in village like TV,phone,all kitchen stuff,even computer. I dont know what more she needs. She says she doesn't like the food my mom cooks.
    I talked to her very clearly before we left last time and she said she will see but as soon as she sees her parents...thats it! Her mom also interferes a lot and encourages these things. I think my parents are missing the kids each time we go. Since my kids are small 6 and 4 so they need their mom only.

    No amount of explaining is working. If I start tellling her she says I dont love her so I am asking her to do what she doesnt like. Clear cut talking and practical things only backfire....she says I can leave her and she can live with her parents in India...anyway she did not like coming and living in the US. Once I got mad and yelled saying then why did you marry me knowing I live in US. She called her mom and cried. Later, after she got a job here she said I can divorce her if I wish to. I don't want to do since I have kids who will suffer and I also know that her salary alone will not support fully.

    Can anyone here help me.
    friend2009
     
    Last edited: Nov 20, 2009
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  2. Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

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    friend2009,

    I know another family who also in the similar situation.I think some girls who brough up in city acts this way.
    But I belevie you can definitly take your kids with you and you should able to handle them.Kids can very well like to stay with father as long as father is playful with them.
    The person which I know,goes to his parents house with kids without wife and you should able to do that.Looks like she is kind of stuborn,as long as your relation is healthy then don't push too much time.
    The person also takes sometiems one month in leave in each year and stay wih his parents.So see you can do that kind of support to your parents.
    Some people are extremely sensitive to circumstances and very stuborn too.Tell her don't tell anything to kids as there are grandparents to them.
    I know you can't stop her.
    But for sure you should able to take your kids .
     
  3. friend2009

    friend2009 New IL'ite

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    Thanks for responding.

    Isn't there any other solution? Should she not think that she is the DIL of the house and be a little sensitive and responsible to that matter?
    Is this my destiny to submit to her wishes just because my home is peaceful while my parents suffer and don't get to enjoy grandkids just because their mom won't adjust. They are their grandchildren too and with the mom's influence like this how far will they see good in my parents? I am not the kind who pushes too much. I can do that very well and then nobody in this world can find fault in what I do because that is the way she should be. I know guys how they deal in this matter but I do not want to be like that. I want to give each one their freedom of doing things and this is all what I get in the end!!
     
  4. Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

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    If you are really think her mother is influencing in this then have a stright talk with your FIL/MIL and see how things go.
    Or say straight NO to visit her parents unless she visits your parents.

    You don't talk to her Mother unless she talks to yours.
     
    Last edited: Nov 20, 2009
  5. friend2009

    friend2009 New IL'ite

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    I think I need to take your 2nd option of say NO until she visits my parents.
    Tallking to her mom and dad will not see any positive result. For them Son-in-law is just need to be a puppet to show their relatives.
    Thanks for your suggestion but I need to ready for a melodrama.

    PS:You know men who are dominating type really are the happy ones. They get their things done and doesn't bother about wives whatever happens and those wives listen to all what husband says. I am not like that and that is working to my peace gone.
    There is no balance I think with ofcourse as exception in every case.
     
    Last edited: Nov 20, 2009
  6. Manaswini08

    Manaswini08 Bronze IL'ite

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    First of all I commend you for being so sincere in your attempt to give everyone in the family their freedom. But there comes a point in life when you have to draw the line. When you allow your wife to keep the kids at her house you are hurting your parents dreams of becoming grandparents. I suggest that you let her stay with her parents if that is what she wishes and you spend time with your parent. Have the kids divide their time equally between the two houses. The kids won't die just because they can't see thier mother everyday. you have a right to take your children to visit their grandparents. As for your mil...speak up man! Tell her that although you wish her the best in her next party, you won't be able to make cuz you'll be spending time with your parents.
    Did you ever tell ur wife how you feel when she speaks ill of her inlaws? If not, do so. Ask her how she has become such an expert with only a week of interaction? let her know that you do not appreciate her remarks and that she must not say such mean things in front of the children. There is a difference between being lenient and being walked on - you my friend are being walked on. Time to stand up for yourself and ur parents.
     
  7. OOPALL

    OOPALL Silver IL'ite

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    Hi friend2009,
    Sounds like you have a real battle on your hands. My situation was totally opposite to yours. My hubby didn't want to go to my parents place and add to that when ever we visited his parents as a family, my ex in-laws would leave the room I was in and go on about carrying a convo with thier son in another room. They would do the same if they came over to our house. My kids were not involved in their lives because of thier choce of not wanting anything to do with them.
    Anyways the point I'm trying to make is that kids need grandparents love and support from both sides. My kids missed out on that. Now they are grown and sometimes they bring up stuff that only the grandparents on the husbands side would have had answers to.
    Aaj kal ke jaamane mein meri meri meri takes precidence over hamari. One thing your wife needs to understand is that your parents are her kids grandparents as well. The kids need to learn family history from grandparents from both sides. Your parents being invloved in your kids lives is just as important as hers. For grand parents, grandkids bring so much joy to their lives, that its priceless.
    If I were you, I would point blank ask her why she is doesn't want your parents involved in your kids lives. Deep down she is probably afraid that your parents may show more love for your kids. Asking you to divorce and things like that, she is very insecure herself. Its like trying to push your buttons to see which one will work in her favour. I dislike saying this but sounds like "more american way" of trying to exist in a relationship. The answer is not divorce, the answer is try to get to the root of the problem. May be you need to put your foot down when her parents ask you to their parties and such. You will not go unless she is going to go with you.
    I hope I didn't make any offensive comments. If you find my comments offensive, please disregard them.

    Thanks,
    OOPALL!
     
  8. asuitablegirl

    asuitablegirl Gold IL'ite

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    Your wife is not being fair AT ALL.

    Normally I would suggest talking to her and explaining that what's going on is unfair. But since you have already done that, I think you need to do as Priya said and stop visiting her parents. Maybe your wife won't care since it seems all she wants to do is hang out with her folks, but when party time rolls around and it's time 'for the son in law to make his grand entrance', they will feel the embarassment of you not being there and realize their mistake.

    I can understand your wife's distaste for village life, but really, you are only asking for a short visit! It's not as if you are demanding her to relocate there! Not to mention how unfair it is that your parents aren't getting time to spend time with their grandparents! Also, talking negatively about your parents in front of your kids isn't right either. I think you need to tell her plain and simple that she needs to grow up and stop running to her mom everytime you have an issue with her. Also, she needs to stop this threatening divorce talk. If she can't tell her parents to back out of your personal issues, maybe you need to have a chat with them and let them know that they are ENABLING her to act this way.

    You know, in another thread I mentioned that it is 'dangerous' when a grown married person loves their parents more than their spouse, or even equally. And everyone was blah blahing about how parents love can't be compared, both are equal in love etc etc. Well, this is a prime example of why spouses need to be loved most. Because when they are not, look what happens. Not only are you suffering, but your kids are suffering, and your parents too.... all because your wife does not have her priorities straight and she's still stuck in her parents pocket. Sad. Very, very, very sad.

    Unfortunately you can't physically force her to go to your parents place. But you should discuss with her that you want to take the kids to see your parents, with or without her. They are old enough that they don't need her every minute of the day. Definitely you can take care of them during that short visit, isnt? Your wife has a nasty, spoiled brat attitude and I sincerely hope she changes her tune, for your sake as well as your parents and kids. BEST of luck.
     
    Last edited: Nov 20, 2009
  9. SriVidya75

    SriVidya75 Platinum IL'ite

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    Time for you to put down your feet and say NO. A BIG FAT NO to her...on you being at your inlaws place...

    Most of the women here on IL, faced the problem the other way round and we all know how it feels when our emotions and sentiments are not respected or atleast not considered..

    Your wife is being SELFISH or SELF Centered...

    Would you be able to explain....how long she has been like this? is it since your wedding? was your wedding arranged/love marriage? how did you get that thought of your MIL brainwashing your wife?

    Might be time for you to give a taste of her own medicine to your wife!!! Next time , tell her its ok if she doesnt want to come...upto her..but you want to take the kids with you...as the grandparents want to meet the kids and let the kids too have sometime with grandparents..

    Also if she keeps talking about divorce etc, tell her it wont be easy for her either..no matter whether she is in US or in India....if she demands it or threatens it tell her you wont pay any alimony and also would fight for full custody of the kids...if she pushes you to that extent...tell her gone are those days when only women are given the full custody..and on what grounds does she expect divorce???

    Husband/wife threatening their spouse about divorce is really very irritating issue and also makes the other feel very agitated...

    Where are you now? in US / India? when are you planning your next trip to India? Even before you plan your trip, put your foot down and tell her if this time she doesnt stick to her words and changes around...you wont take it and you would have a serious discussion with her parents (some how I really dont find any use in talking to your wifes parents upfront as such people wont understand what you are saying!! rather they would think you are blaming their daughter...isnt it the same if she talks about you with your parents??) so you are just threatening her that you would do that!! But you got to fix things at your end with your wife!!

    BE SERIOUS. FIRM and Cut to chase...make your point and stick to it...
     
  10. QUINCY

    QUINCY New IL'ite

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    My story is just opposite of yours. My husband wants to spend more days in his house instead of spending in my house. My inlaws are good but not good to me. They stopped talking to my parents now which bothers me a lot. My DH is the only son and they had been here too. I used to treat them more than my parents but they always blame me I don't know why. Right from the airport I have to go to my inlaws place and the very next day itself I have to cook everything. They don't even think I need some rest as I'm coming after 3yrs to the home land after struggling with kids and work here in US. They have no servant maid so I have to cook breakfast ,lunch, dinner, sweep, clean the vessels, etc. My mil doesn't like cooking as she doesn't know. If she makes breakfast then she will not come to kitchen to prepare lunch. They don't like my DH coming to my place as they are possessive and they think my parents will take him away.

    Dear friend 2009, I want to ask you one thing. Is your parents nice to her? There'll be some reason for her action. But what she is doing is totally wrong. You have the rights to take the kids to your place. Just talk to her and make her to visit your parents.
     
    Last edited: Nov 21, 2009

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