Why We Get Married And How It Changed Our Lives

Hi Monika
Being indian we are always taught about marriage and you need someone.
But people at another countries I have seen them saying we (indians )are great that we get married and stay with someone for so long time. Being human its obvious your likes and dislikes will change and western people have courage to accept it. I really wish we can get that courage to face some difficult time in marriage just incase we get into it.

 

There will be a day in your life when your parents are not around you,your brother is married and has a family and your friends are busy with their own lives..So with whom will you bond?

A marriage creates a bond not just with a person but also creates a family with children.We humans need to have something to have our focus and attention upon.Marriage makes that happen and ensures we have people around till our end.The issues we face in the midst of these are just passing clouds for most people.What matters in the end is the life that we created and the bond we shared with people and our children.
I hope you find this convincing.

 

Marriage creates a bond is not always true after years of married life person says...I hate you and thet feel stranger to each other.

 

Good topic, I have thought of this now n then n here's my take on it,.

Innocence, liberty, individuality, home, father, mother, brother - can be gone even if you are unmarried / single. Name change- it's still upto you. (I never did neither did my mother, aunts nor my grandmothers. I know of many friends who didn't either).

N being single isn't an easy life either.

I dono how many parents will be happy to take care of a 40-50 year old single woman or man at their home until unless they are dependent on them to take care of them n also get financial assistance. N the brother / sister will be married n get busy with their own family n won't have the time.

I have some single (men n women) friends in their mid 30s n most of them live away from home due to work n the way some of them complain about their loneliness is pretty sad.

Dialogues I hear from my single friends ..
"I have to sleep alone, even if there's a noise or am scared or anything, there won't be anyone.
Sometimes I really need someone n there's no one.
Even if am sick, I goto take care of yourself. Yes, we have friends who can help, but they can't be with us all the time.
All the friends I studied with are married n have kids, n they don't have any time for me.
The couples are looking for couple friends, the ones with kids looks for people with kids, n I am mostly the only single one in the whole party n even if by any chance, there's another single person, they are much younger than me.
I dono where my life is going as I am afraid if am gona be doing the same thing even after 10 years.
What if I regret pushing all these good prospects n get nothing later?
I am frustrated that nothing is working for me.
Am I gona die alone?"

Most of these statements are from the 'living alone' unmarried friends. The ones who lives at their home amongst their relatives have another set of challenges altogether.

This does get better if these 'unmarried' ones are in a relationship n not 'single', as they have a companion.

Few types of singles / unmarried:

Some are intentionally single as they enjoy the fast life of parties n one night stands. They keep making new friends as their old ones settles into family lives n won't be able to spend time as they did before.

Some have commitment phobia, so they maybe in a relationship, but marriage is out of the question. They may go for Live in relationships or break off the moment this becomes too serious for them.

Some just hates the opposite gender,
or could be homosexuals
Or doesn't believe in marriage or relationships.

Some may have had a really bad heartbreak.

Some just cannot find the right partner - this applies for arranged marriages also - they can't be convinced that the prospective bride or groom are suitable for them.

These last two segments are in a sadder state because they want to get married n have a family, but struggle to make any progress.

So singledom is not for everyone. It can be enjoyed by only those who had really embraced or needs it.

But despite the challenges, one thing they all agree about ..
"we would rather stay single than getting into a bad marriage"

So .. not all can stay single - can't be in a bad marriage = what's the answer ?

Finding the right / suitable / understanding companion.

As we all need a companion n a family, atleast most of us do. Because our society n system raise us with this point driven deep inside.

So most of us can't be single till we die, we need someone. If not married, they atleast are in a physical, emotional or Live-in relationships.

Few points of what we can do as parents ..
- Teach our kids the true value of relationship, companionship n marriage.

- Guide them to marry the right person for the right reason.

- Not force them for the sake of society (this applies to age, caste, religious, etc issues)

- Give them time to get to know n understand the partner (Esp in arranged marriages). N be supportive enough to call off the wedding if they are not compatible.

- Teach them to respect their partner n their people n life too.

- Teach they are equal partners in a marriage n house husband's or professional wife should be equally acceptable / respected. Any work, chores shouldn't be looked down upon by both the partners.

- teach them that regardless of love or arranged marriage, adjustments are mandatory, that if we can do so with relatives, friends, schools, colleges, offices, n even with strangers. Why not with our companion / partner / spouse ? N that this adjusting should be done wholeheartedly by both the partners.

- Stop being nosey in laws n let them live their life, n own their mistakes.

- Stop raising morons as sons n daughters. N Give a tight whack when they behave like one.

- Even in cases of parents being dependent, it should be a clear line n not try to rob our kids of their lives.

The current parent situation is something like this..
They want their kid to be married,
to the partner / family they want,
then they hate that spouse n the family,
n try to screw up their happiness by causing silly rifts.
Most doesn't want them to divorce,
but doesn't want the couple to be happy either.
Why? Because they don't their kids to find happiness else where,
they still want to have power over their children,
they want to be the primary decision makers for their 'grown up' children,
they want to enjoy all the benefits - emotionally n financially,
Keep reminding their children that they are the first priority n the spouse n children comes after them.
It's basically a fight for the first place. The children can play a better role to make them feel secured here instead of abusing their partner to achieve this. It can indeed be balanced the right way with a bit more effort.

The institution of marriage may not be the problem here but more so the attitude of the people involved here that maybe a problem. If a husband n wife considers themselves as equals n not one above another, n don't try to control, abuse or suffocate but rather respect n love one another, the marriage may sail better. Respecting the partners parents n families, n understanding n accepting their way of life is another good thing.

If the mentality changes n all sides are
clear, or atleast respectable n acceptable of one another, life will get better for everyone involved.

 

I am going to address your question about surviving alone when one does not get married. Marriage does not guarantee life long companionship ( divorce etc). Human beings are highly resilient and stronger than we give ourselves credit for. Even though it is tough , people manage living alone . So what’s crucial is that one is equipped emotionally or otherwise to take care of oneself . Our sons need to be trained to do chores and cook and daughters need to be trained to be financially and emotionally independent , so both don’t have to rely on marriage to secure their future or to lead a comfortable life.

Before someone points out that financial independence is not the solution to all problems, it is to some problems. there should be a degree and decent educational background to fall back on if one has to start working at any point in life.

 

Monika, don’t you think you give yourself less credit than you deserve ? You have so many qualities too and your husband is equally lucky to be married to you. And you are by no means dumb. So chin up and look for positive adjectives to describe yourself .

 

Monika, you have raised a very tough issue which has no definitive answers. there are good enough pros and cons to a marriage. Afer all arguments, I would say,

Marry only for the right reasons and never under pressure. Shadi ka laddu..., better give it a try.
Give marriage a good chance and work hard to maintain it. When nothing else works, it is better to walk out with dignity intact.
Never take each other for granted.
Maintain financial independence.
In a marriage, both the partners are equal, so, a woman should not feel inferior and should never be made to feel so.

Creating a responsible next generation is in our hands. so let us not repeat the mistakes our older generation made.

More or less everybody wonders whether it was worth getting married, at one point or the other and it is natural. Relax.

@ashneys has covered the topic in detail and has said many things I intended to say, saving me the trouble of typing! @Sandycandy, @prreeya and @iamshreehere have also saved my trouble.Thank you all.

 

So true!