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Why should i chnage my name????

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Dolfin, Jan 17, 2012.

  1. Dolfin

    Dolfin Senior IL'ite

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    WHY SHOULD I CHNAGE MY NAME????

    I got married 5 years back. Before marriage i told my husband i dont want to remove my father's name and I will add either his name or "iyer" at the end. He said OK. Soon after our wedding i got a new job and in all that rush we never got my name change officially. BUT....2 years on he started saying how i dont consider myself a part of the family since i dont want to change my name to "Iyer". he wants that i should change my name to "Seema Iyer". I hav nothg against iyer, i am a iyer, but why should i change my father's name to be just another iyer (please dont take offence i dont mean it in a bad sense). He says my father will not mind if i change my name and he (DH) will be real happy.......but is it not my name. what abt what makes me happy. Any time we have an argument which is not even connected to the name thg, DH will bring it up. And u kw what; even if i get pissed and change my name he will say that i waited soooooo long and only did it coz he said so :rant (which is true)....

    I keep thinking abt this and sometimes i feel that though i have to hear abt this few times if i really go ahead and change my name it is somethg that i will somehow regret it or say miss it for the rest of my life...
    what should i do......keep the name and hear how i am hurting him when it is not somethg that should matter to him or should i just change it and end it which i kw is somethg i will do only coz his remarks irritates me???:bonk
     
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  2. Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

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    Dolfin,

    When kids comes into picture then things will get little messy.I feel it would very easy if you change your last name before kids enter.I have friends who didn't change but after some point you really don't feel anything.Of course you will have that connection for few years initially.But when you married for 10 years you will not have any more pain then kids will start asking all kind of questions.It's not a big thing what you have in your name.
     
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  3. 1Sandhya

    1Sandhya Platinum IL'ite

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    I didnt change my name. I felt I didnt need to and It bothered me to change it after my marriage for some reason. So even though my family (father, bro are v. mainstream patriarchal types) and hubby urged me to change it when I married, I didnt. If it matters to you what people call you, (and you will have to hear it everyday and live with it the rest of your life) then do what your heart wishes. Yes, legally and with documents it was a bit of a pain but nothing impossible. What I realized was in US at least it is not such an uncommon thing as my family and hubby were making it out to be. Many women get divorced and revert to maiden name and kids keep their name so families with diff last names are common. Be warned though that when your kids reach school age their teachers will automatically call you "Mrs. *child's last name*<child's last="" name="">" I dont bother to correct that. Also your hubby's family will call you Mrs<their name="">.*their name*. Random social acquaintances who knew your hubby first will also do that. I can live with that. But legally and in all the documents my name is my maiden name. And when I introduce myself I say my maiden name. Which is all I wanted in the first place.</their></child's>
     
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  4. Dolfin

    Dolfin Senior IL'ite

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    Thanks Priya & Sandhya

    I understand both your points and i agree with it. Even i have no problem in being called Mrs Iyer. It is just that it is such a legal pain and that too for somethg which is not from my heart.
    Priya i get ur point, even i thk about it sometimes. But every time i thk abt changing it i feel that there will be a part of me which will be not happy abt it. And i somehow kw that even if i change just to keep him happy and for his remarks to stop, there will be somethg abt it that he will keep talking abt coz this is his only point he has against me. May be he will start saing how i did it after soo long or how did not do it from my heart or some crap like that. aaaaaaaaa.....
     
  5. 1Sandhya

    1Sandhya Platinum IL'ite

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    Dolfin,

    I have got to say though that although my hubby was keen on my name change initially (mostly 1st yr of marriage) he dropped the idea when he saw how adamant I was. It came up a few times here and there, like when booking flight tix, I cant automatically fly on his miles he has to go to airport to verify that I can use them etc and he will bring it up see what a pain. I just ignore. What I am trying to say is it was easier for me perhaps because he also dropped it after 1st year or so of marriage...maybe because we moved on to other things to fight about ;). Now he doesn't bring it up at all. If some friend shows surprise and probes more saying oh why she didnt change etc he tells casually oh my wife is one of those feminist types! :) and changes the topic.

    Your case seems a little different. You should evaluate and decide for yourself what to do.
     
  6. Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

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    I used to have that pain before but no longer exists now after married for 10 years.Now my motherly thing taken over all those things.My DD's don't want anything that sort of thing.They really wanted all us as a family.If I keep my last name separate ,I should ready answer there 1000 questions :)
    It's very interesting concept how kids will see both mother and father as a single unit.Sometimes it's better to give up something in return for the peace and love
     
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  7. justanothergirl

    justanothergirl IL Hall of Fame

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    Dolfin..
    To ur question "Why should I change my last name?"
    I say.."Yes why should u "?.Don't...if u don't want to. I didn't....and we have kids in school...travel everywhere...own property /bank accounts jointly,different last names don't matter one bit.
    Kids are smarter than we give them credit for. Frankly I dont think they care. They know that my last name is their thathas name and that's all that matters.
    That said I think u both are not handling this correctly. Talk to him at a time when u both are not having a fight and tell him u have thought about the change of surname and u dont want to do it anymore.
    Last name is also significant part of ur past and u cannot just give it up. Tell him u are his wife and a part of his family regardless of whether ur last name is ur dads name or an "Iyer" . If he insists and u decide to change then tell him u would do so ..under one condition..he will never bring it up again.
     
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  8. AnanyaAjay

    AnanyaAjay Silver IL'ite

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    I agree with JAG.

    Different names does't bother anywhere until you have the marrriage certifcate. In face I too didn't want to change my name. But my MIL wanted to. Then I said to her that changing name is a big headache, we need to go to Govt officials they won't do it early, bribing, etc... I also told her that we have to spend lot for htat.. So she agreed but still she calls by new name only which they kept in IL's house.. Ananya... My original name is just official and for friends and PArents side... All my IL's call me ananya.. I don't mind also, unless they force me to change the official name...

    Ultimately it should be your wish... And as some one said down the age you wont mind it as you will have the connection now, so think about it and you can do one thing:

    I guess you might be knowing Malaika Arora Khan. Likewise, you just add your hubby's surname to your existing surname. That case you both can be happy. May be Seema (Your surname) Iyer. That should be fine..?
     
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  9. justanothergirl

    justanothergirl IL Hall of Fame

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    I really like Ananyas suggestion. Most Indians dont have a middle name so one my friends changed her dads name to be her middle name with husbands name as her last name.
     
  10. Coffeelover

    Coffeelover Platinum IL'ite

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    What is in a Name???? My grown up son changed his name when he was 24. He took his father's name ( half of it) and put my father's name as last name. My niece and her American husband gave my dad's name for their son ( middle name). Now we are so used to my son's new name. People get confused, so what???? Because you change your name or not change, it is not going to affect your behavior and culture etc. Do what you feel like. In Latin America especially in Mexico, everyone keeps mother's name as middle name. Only thing bothers me ( please don't get upset- I am not here to offend you) to keep the caste name. We are in 21st century and want to get rid of castes, but now it is becoming fashionable to keeop caste name. My nephews changed their last name to Iyer or Iyengar etc.
    Good luck.
     
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