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Why people comment thus about widows

Discussion in 'Life Without Spouse' started by Rihana, Jan 26, 2016.

  1. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    "Look at her, she is totally over any grief"
    "Going about life happily"
    "What for her, no longer has to take care of husband"
    "She seems actually relieved"

    Why would people make such comments about an oldish widow? And comment on her dressing, wearing gold jewelry, tv-watching, or money spending.

    Not just random people, but relatives, long time associates also.

    I am looking for why would people make such comments, not how these can be dealt with.

    It is the way of the world that people will comment and gossip, agreed, but, would people really stoop so low to grudge an old widow such small joys?
     
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  2. Jazmine83

    Jazmine83 Gold IL'ite

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    People who comment are the mainly women?
     
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  3. DKI

    DKI Platinum IL'ite

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    Rihana,

    I have noticed such comments too. And more often than not, it is another woman who says such things. Why they do that I cannot say, but it could be due to the fact that people are brought up hearing how widows are supposed to dress in muted colours, not wear flashy jewellery etc. Even movies portray widows as such. Could it also be that many people do not know how to react to a widow? Especially a widow who still loves her life?

    I know one such lady. One look at her and you will never ever say she is a widow. Only way I knew was when she said that she goes to India every year in July for his death anniversary. But that is how you should be. You had a life before you were married. Why stop living after your husband passes? Isn't that similar to committing Sati - but living to witness the rest of your life go by?
     
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  4. MalStrom

    MalStrom IL Hall of Fame

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    I have seen this first hand, directed at my beloved aunt who was sadly widowed at a relatively young age. My aunt was a strong, capable woman and eventually coped with her grief to lead a fulfilling life.
    The women who were most vicious were the ones who were jealous of her perceived 'freedom' to travel, visit her daughters in America and pursue her own interests. They would conveniently forget the event that had led to my aunt's current lifestyle.
    The others who would pass catty remarks were the extremely orthodox set who had their own medieval notions of how widows should behave, dress etc.
    So it seems to be more about people projecting their own issues onto others.
     
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  5. sokanasanah

    sokanasanah IL Hall of Fame

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    It is not necessarily begrudging small joys to someone else. Part of the reason is the fear of annihilation - an existential angst that may lie below the threshold of awareness. The discomfiting realization that one day, we too will die, only to be forgotten by those who now claim to love us to distraction. That life will go on happily without us - that this '... named tenancy will soon become a nameless one', as the critic James Wood beautifully expressed it.
     
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  6. dimhere

    dimhere Gold IL'ite

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    [1] When women say this:

    I feel one of the reasons women say that is they are truly JEALOUS of her "freedom". A widow who tries to dress up, or go about her activities in a cheerful manner is to be ENVIED. These are the women who are in truly unhappy marriages.

    [2] When men say this:
    They are INSECURE. Older generation men who say this are actually shocked that the widow is going about her life without a MAN's support. And secretly imagine their obedient wives asserting themselves in the same manner after their own death.

    I don't mean to be rude to either gender and am definitely not saying that every individual is this way.
     
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  7. peartree

    peartree Platinum IL'ite

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    While I have been fortunate to not witness such crassness first hand, I do acknowledge that such commentators exist.

    I think it has more to do with the social conditioning of humans (I am not talking of Indians in particular). We all tend to think that certain actions should beget only certain reactions and anything different unsettles us. Case in point, the Casey Anthony lady who was thought to have killed her child but was acquitted. The prosecution (and Nancy Grace!!!!) kept harping on how she preferred clubbing to mourning her dead child. Applying this tendency to our society, where the expectations of a widowed woman are even more rigid, such comments happen.

    So I wouldn't call it being intentionally insensitive, but more the result of social conditioning!
     
  8. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Both men and women.

    ======
    I said 'not looking for how to deal with the comments' because the widowed women in question don't need help. Just that, over the weekend, I was really trying to think why people make such comments. It is not pettiness, or malicious gossip. It seems to be more than that.

    That the widow spends time on the internet playing solitaire (and hence impacting time she could be of use to others), or that she can now watch her tv channels undisturbed by husband who used to hog tv.
     
  9. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    I have first hand experience witnessing this, and most of the times the comments came from women.

    My mom is a widow. She is 65+, and lost her husband 9 years back.
    She is healthy, beautiful for her age, and not so emotional about the fact that she is a widow.
    She has lived a very beautiful life with my dad.
    My dad's demise was so sudden, and she could not tolerate this during that time. She felt so low, and almost lost everything when she became a widow.
    But we could not see our beloved mom that way. So, we cheered up her and motivated her to be normal.
    Slowly, she too changed, because she had the reason to be active and supportive to her children other than mourning herself about the loss.
    My marriage, followed by that the problems, then my new born baby and her invaluable presence at my place to be with me and child has changed her completely. She came back to life, and started being normal 2-3 years after my dad's death.

    Now she wears normal cloths, like skirt and blouse.
    She keeps a bindi - pottu
    She neatly dresses, and always grooms herself perfectly.
    She applies basic make ups
    Goes alone for shopping, meets her friends, takes lead at church events and always be lively at her children's life's events.

    Now that my own MIL has commented sarcastically several times about my mom's dressing in connection to her widowhood.
    My mom watches TV, movies a lot etc... and that was considered as a crime.
    My mom was openly criticized for wearing a bindi after her husband's demise. To which she and I boldly answered that she was used to wear a bindi as a matter of style/make up and not as a symbol of being married. She has been wearing the same since she was a child. So, she refused to take it out. Slowly they too stopped noticing it.

    My MIL refused to invite mom for the most important event just before our wedding at their place. She said that she didn't want to see my mom (a widow) in that auspicious function.
    The moment I heard this comment, I refused to take part in that function either.
    This has created a lot of struggle in my marriage later on. But I am glad that I stood by my mom then.

    Years later, my MIL and her relatives staged dramas whenever I invited my mom to bless my kids on their special events, such as 31st day ceremony, birthday, teeth function etc.. I believe my mom has the rights to bless them, as she is their main care-taker since I work outside.
    But they would never want a widow to take the lead or to be there because they feel being a widow is a curse.
    I am glad that everything goes very well at my place despite being living with a widow, and getting her blessings daily. So, why isolate them on special days alone?

    I see such poor customs are followed only in India, and related countries like Sri Lanka where Indian culture has a strong influence.

    We should do something about this.
     
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  10. KashmirFlower

    KashmirFlower IL Hall of Fame

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    who else will be a best well wisher to ur kids than ur mom , who is with them from their birth and taking care of them most of the time.

    It is their arrogance, they are doing dramas.
     
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