Why MIl can not be mother

Hi,

I think I had posted a reply in haste and in a very foul mood here! Sorry Neerja for not responding to your answer! :hide:

What I meant to say when I said "because she is MIL, not mother" is this -

My mom has kept me inside of her for 9 months. It is she who brought me in this world. It is a special bond between us, different from any other. It is she who loved me all my life. Loved me when I was good, loved me when I was bad, when I stood first, when I failed! She is someone who just cant help but love me.

Before marriage, often there were moments when I hated her. We all do that in a particular age, in some situations, right? After I got married, I had troubles understanding my MIL. I couldnt understand why she doesnt react in the same way that my mum does when I call her 'mummy'. Why she doesnt look at me and smile saying "its ok, you're making this for the first time, now do it like this and it'll be fine". I miss my mom because she is someone who could understand and make out my mood from one look at my face (however hard I try to hide) or just by talking on phone,.

MIL is an elder person. I respect her like I would respect an elder. But she cant be my mother because that bond of 9 months, that growing up phase and the love-hate relationship is missing. I certainly respect her and love her, but as a mother to my DH, not as a mother to me. She is a mother-figure, but not mother.

From her side too, it is the same thing. She'll always love DH the way my mum loves me. Justifying his wrongs, beaming at his successes, knowing when he is sick before I can know, etc. Because she is HIS mother.

She wont be able to love me like she loves him, will she? Its a different relationship and we shouldn't try to mix / compare both of them. I've tried doing that and been disappointed. MIL expects me to behave with her like DH does and she gets disappointed too. Instead, we can expect basic respect as a human from each other. And she can certainly demand the respect that her position holds. There would not be disappointments.

Only when "why can't she behave like a daughter to me?" "Why cant she forgive me for my mistakes like mum used to?" "Why cant she forget her mom and love me instead?" Questions like this lead to disappointments in a relationship, where it can be avoided.

My 2 cents.

 

I don’t treat my MIL as my mother. I treat her with respect and dignity that should be given to her, NOT BECAUSE she is my MIL, but because she is the one who brought up my husband, with whom iam happy now. And she also gives me respect and value that any DIL should be given by her in laws. Of course, we do love and care each other, but neither I treat her as my mother, nor does she treat me as her daughter.

Not that I faced less challenges in initial years of my marriage. But fortunately I could overcome with the help of my parents as well as my MIL. So in our case I can say its mutual

IMO...ur use of "conservative" word there indirectly demean other sections. pls understand that being conservative is an individual option. there is nothing to look down. Secondly being conservative doesn't necessarily mean not changing at all. There are people who are conservative yet think liberal as per the situation in life demands.

 

Wearing a western dress with narrow minded attitude does'nt mean modern. You can wear any kind of dress. But the attitude makes a person modern. They should never poke their nose into others business, they should not hurt others with degrading rituals, they should promote gender equality. Dress has nothing to do with attitude.

And aunty, regaring mil-dil relation, if the mil treats her dil the same way she treats her son-in-law, everything will be solved. Why should you treat her as your daughter. If you try to do that, you will try to control her. So mil should treat dil as she treats her son-in-law. I just told the same thing for my mom.

 

Hi Neerjavakil

no one is offending anyone here. please understand it is part and parcel of online forum discussions and sometimes people disagree with others. may be some people put in harsh words and some dont. It is best to leave the feelings here with the particular thread itself, and not carry forward or take it personally

 

But it is the only Dil who carry forward the family tradition very few people understands this.

This concept is not at all appreciated.

 

A MIL can never be a mother to anyone. Once a woman becomes MIL, she doesn't even act like a mother to her own son. If she tries to create trouble between her son and DIL and don't let them live happily, how is that motherly? And it applies to FIL too.

Mine was a love/arranged marriage. Before marriage I always used to respect them for being his parents, as he somehow portrayed to be a responsible, understanding, loving person. I went out of my way to present them with gifts before marriage. But now I don't have slightest love/respect for them for making my life miserable. Even though they are so far away geographically, these stupid phone/emails/chat/etc makes them living with us emotionally and the more quality time my DH spend with them over phone every single day when they happily instill -ve thoughts about me. How can they ever be Mother/Father for that matter to anyone?

They can never be my mother and father. Period!

 

Conservative to me means - I think this way and will continue to think.. for me its unrelated what I and you're wearing while posting on this forum... don't go by my profile pic.. who knows am sitting in a brahmakumari costume.

Conservative forums to me mean - Where ppl are talking yes mam, yes sis, yes sir... they're like minded

CONSERVATIVE IS A COMMON WORD NOT ATTACHED to those wearing HISTORICAL INDIAN COSTUMES
Actually the historical ones were more sexy ;-)!!!!!
Tube tops and 3/4 satin leggings with tons of GOLD & diamonds..wow...

If you check your replies.. they come with a definite authority... and you're yet to get a DIL... much much from this present generation... who might be half of us... and opposite to your thinking (like most indian arranged marriages) nothing can ensure like mindedness apart from forced patterns. Had I married when my culture / creed wanted me to... my kids would have been of grads age too..

Standard Cultural MIL statements ... I've tolerated enough bad behaviour.... not here to tolerate these nonsense... if I don't say anything, don't think you can dance on my head.... etc etc......... whenever there's a friction.. both the surfaces are equally rough... and a lot is being done and said by both the parties..

If someone thinks different to you.. it becomes a pressure on you.. you start a new thread... trying to justify how HOLY your intentions are... People are not writing casual here... they're made from their experiences and hence they have a particular thought pattern...