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Why Are Mothers Mean/abusive To Daughters?

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by Meghaa, Feb 23, 2020.

  1. Meghaa

    Meghaa Silver IL'ite

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    I just can't understand..... being victims of a male centric world themselves - why do they treat daughters badly - from plain biased and mean to emotionally abusive?

    I am a victim of this myself and know too many friends who have gone through the same. It's more obvious when the said Mom has a son - who is treated like he can do no wrong!

    In fact, I remember an episode in F.R.I.E.N.D.S where Ross & Monica's Mom behaves just like that. So maybe its not even limited to Indians?'

    Thoughts?
     
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  2. ragzz

    ragzz Silver IL'ite

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    Fortunately not all moms are that way. But unfortunately some (of that generation) are that way, and that may be because it is drilled into their head that "son" is more worthy (and girl is a burden because they need to accumulate the dowry), and that starts right from wanting a boy baby. This is how they are conditioned.
     
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  3. Rihana

    Rihana Finest Post Winner

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    There is no answer to this question. No matter how many times you go over it, with friends, with therapist, religious person, close friend from childhood, close friend from college, spouse, uncle, aunt, siblings, close cousins, you are left shaking your head in repeated puzzlement.

    The "being victims of a male centric world themselves" part will make "just can't understand" three words you say to yourself in mind again and again.

    You got it right in a thread from two years ago: no option other than accepting and making peace with it.

    My thoughts: Have it out with parent(s) before they are too old and frail and start using the "now in my last phase on earth..." emotional card. When well-meaning friends and spouse etc. suggest that you minimize contact or even cut off temporarily or permanently, follow that.

    If like in your case, you are more well to do than the other/male sibling and them put together, stop any money giving earlier rather than later. Money cannot buy anything in a relationship. Give any money or help only to assuage your sense of obligation, to have a clear conscience and with a view to "If I don't, can I live with that choice. If I give less, will guilt eat me later on."

    The little analysis I did gave me one small insight: the mother continues the abuse or biased treatment even after the children are adults because things didn't go as predicted and the daughter is doing better and in some cases helping parents more than the son.

    This is a topic that can spoil entire weekends and the week that follows and the mood of the whole family. If anything above hurts you, please do say so. I will myself request deletion of post.

    ==================
    Each person has only one mother. If that mother is abusive or biased etc etc. it doesn't matter whether such mothers' numbers are less or more.

    I can imagine mothers being like this in the 1960's, 70's and maybe even 80's. To see it happening well into the 90's and later in urban, educated households was surprising for me.
     
    Last edited: Feb 23, 2020
  4. Meghaa

    Meghaa Silver IL'ite

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    Rihanna - impressed how you looked up old posts and responded with context :)

    Luckily - She no longer has the power to emotionally abuse me. But as I go through life , I find more and more signs of the damage from the emotional abuse in childhood. (After my husband pointed out a few years ago, I realised that I believed all compliments are fake and only negative feedback is real.)

    Still consider myself lucky - that I at least have the ability now to identify and work on them.

    I wonder how many do not and are still struggling into adulthood and potentially affecting their spouse & kids...
     
  5. Meghaa

    Meghaa Silver IL'ite

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    Someone told me lately that trauma will continue 7 generations unless someone in the chain deals with it....maybe that's how it goes... 'the cycle' and all...
     
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  6. Whyme20

    Whyme20 Silver IL'ite

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    Its so hard to move on. I myself was going to start the thread on a similar topic.
     
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  7. Topaz49

    Topaz49 Gold IL'ite

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    if you keep harping on the past you won't be able to move on; you are only prolonging misery
     
  8. Meghaa

    Meghaa Silver IL'ite

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    It feels that way when you are stuck in the cycle - but once you make a few fundamental shifts in how you feel/think/respond - you will find its very easy.
    Been there.. take charge. You are in control - its possible!
     
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  9. Whyme20

    Whyme20 Silver IL'ite

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    In my case it was not discrimination, it was emotional absence. My mom was an emotionally absent mother. By working on myself I have still been able to find some ground under my feet but I feel really sorry for brother. I have been a silent reader if this forum, from just past few days, I have been thinking of starting a thread. Probably I will when I gather myself. Im sorry for diverting from the topic. I really wonder how this process of life gives us unique wounds and sometimes so much is lost during healing.
     
  10. Meghaa

    Meghaa Silver IL'ite

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    Writing more in case it helps someone out there!

    I have always known even when I was a child and unable to help myself or even articulate well that she was wrong and I never looked upto her. It still inflicted enough damage in me , so I can understand it can be worse for those who looked upto their Mother or accepted their behaviour as valid.

    I think she is fundamentally negative and messed up ( thanks to her parents - if there was an award for dysfunctional families , theirs would be in the running for sure) That still does not absolve her from everything she did to others..

    To this day - I still find her negativity shocking sometimes. But I don't let it affect me anymore. Negativity was my default up until a few years ago.... I am very grateful to have been able to recognize and work on it
     
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