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Whose mistake?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by sahityaj, Aug 14, 2014.

  1. shrivni

    shrivni Silver IL'ite

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    I should be the best person. . .to give advice on this. . .

    I had the same situation during my babies first b'day. We fought and my DH will never come down at least for 5 days. But i will fight and forget the next minute and will want to be normal after that. And this happened during my babies b'day also and will happen during all our functions in our home. . .he he he. It has been very common now, that we (me and my husband) used to crack jokes about how we behaved then.

    See this is the time, where you need to be happy. It is your responsibility to keep the envi happy. So make it.

    This silent treatment will create big space between you both. So don't do it. His ego will be provoked by that. just be cool and normal. As the other IL suggested, make a lot of conversatios about the party with your inlaws and parents and make the b'day a spl day for your kid.

    Most importantly. . .be friendly with your guy. He is your husband make him your good friend. Believe me he will change.

    Luv and Hugs
    Sharmi
     
    4 people like this.
  2. Shanvy

    Shanvy IL Hall of Fame

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    two immature behaviours with two egos at clash.

    sahityaj, from where i see, you both need to sit down and talk about how you want to communicate in front of others.

    if my husband were to tell me "ok don't shout" in front of a third person and that too a lady, i would feel bad, and i am talking about me who is married for 20 years and i also know my husband would not say that unless things were getting out of hand.

    your saying that to him and asking him to take it light is something that does not go well.
    and just because he is not talking to you when you wish, and stating i am going to my mom's place is like ok i will not give you that piece of chocolate..i am katti with you...

    if that is how you sort issues, then high time you reasesss how you are doing things.

    it is our lo's birthday at least we should be happy today, is not the way to deal with it. it should go "see x, we had a few tiffs, but it is a special day for both of us and lo and all rest of the family. so let us forget the difference. if i have hurt you i am sorry. let us forget and make this memorable." maybe your husband would have also said sorry and moved forward.

    Now is not the time to wonder whose mistake. it is time you need to sort it out for the better harmony and happiness of yourself, your family. definitely sulking couples make other people walk on eggshells. imagine your parents worried what will the other think.

    later you can sit and discuss and tell him how the silent treatment hurts. that said, each one has a coping mechanism. if he needs to be silent let him be. but tell him that he needs to discuss if he is silent because of you. that you respect his need to be silent but not at the cost of the happiness in the relationship.

    many happy returns of the day to your son. god bless.

    this is my pov.
     
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  3. Shina

    Shina Gold IL'ite

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    A big hug to you dear. Arrangements for the bday, both sets of parents being there, all this in itself is quite stressful. He should be understanding enough not to behave like this with u during this time. And doing this to you time and again and not giving up until u cry a lot.... i can understand how emotionally draining all this can be for you.if this continues for long, u will start giving in more and more just to avoid arguments that r followed by silent treatment.which is not fair on u.

    i don't know if this is a right time, but you do need to take a firm stance on this as this is emotional draining. Have a firm talk about his giving you silent treatment all the time and give an ultimatum that it needs to stop. And you also do all it takes to become very strong emotionally so his silent treatment does not affect u so deeply. All the best dear.best wishes for your LO.
     
    Last edited: Aug 14, 2014
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  4. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear

    It doesn't matter who broke you or hurt you first. It is not a question of who is at fault. In relationships, what matters is who makes the other smile again.

    Since you are approaching a most memorable day, try your best to make your husband smile again with your love.
     
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  5. guesshoo

    guesshoo IL Hall of Fame

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    First I hope when you say 'scold' another individual, you meant you were telling her politely that it was unacceptable that you were being charged for x similar shots. 'Scolding' is a rather disrespectful thing to do.

    Next your husband is wrong for having interfered by putting you down. He has no business doing it unless he is tactfully diffusing the situation. You need to tell him firmly (and politely) NOT to disrespect you blatantly by interfering in your interactions with others. Once you say your piece, don't stand around waiting for an answer. Just give him some space to think it over.

    Right, now your husband is acting like a spoilt brat by withholding his attention and affection. You are reacting to that. The problem with your reaction is that you are showing your husband you are hurt and upset with his behaviour. Also you are trying to cajole him which makes him more stubborn. Don't apologise for what is not your mistake. Be normal and treat him courteously, but no need to bend over backwards.

    IMO, the only way to deal with tantrums like this is to show the other person such behaviour is laughable. Give it the least importance. So, don't let it affect you. Be really joyful about your child's birthday celebrations and remain extremely normal with everyone giving your husband some space. Remember you don't need him to make you happy! You be happy yourself and ask him to join in. If he is petty, it's his loss.

    In my case, long, long ago when my husband acted like that, the thing that worked best was to tell my husband a dismissive "oh! Grow up!" And carry on being my happy cheerful stuff. Then later, I'd just jovially say something like, "when you are finished acting like a preteen, you can join us downstairs." When this behaviour is not given any importance, it is bound to change. I've been married for super long and I can definitely say with relief that we don't have this nonsense going on anymore.
     
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  6. god2014

    god2014 Gold IL'ite

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    A memorable moment ahead waiting for you to welcome it, so forgive forget all, its time to rejoice and celebrate the birth of a new ones, who gave you an identity as mom and dad, so keep your puppy fights aside, smile and make all the preparations for the big day as its going to only one day, your fights and hugs will be there until you both share the bond of marriage. So stop complaining, pointing who did what, why me to adjust etc..

    Surely i think if you turn normal and just divert your attention on these celebrations, you will laugh it off and be happy some day that amidst of all small issue i made my son's day happy, sweet memories would kindle in your mind. Also your husband too will realize that my wife did all i made a mistake by showing my ego, as a mother you must act now so that as a wife you will be given the hugs for your good deeds..
    So enjoy the day and many more birthday wishes for your sweet little kid..
    :party
    :birthday
     
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  7. Using the good will , that arises on the occasion of your kid's first birth day, try not to show the negative feelings. Absence of negative feelings will itself lead to some positive feelings. At least harsh feelings won't get exaggerated.
     
  8. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear Op...What is married life without these little fights,sulking,pouting ,make up sessions?
    This is a part and parcel of being married to another individual with a brain and heart different from our own.You are not identical so you won't fight the same way or expect the same make up method.Very rarely are the two people so similar that they are in tune with each others every feeling and needs all the time(when that happens ...you get that irritating sappy couple who are stuck to each other ,completing each others thought and sentences....ewww!)

    Enjoy the little tiffs and make ups.We have been married for so long that we get upset and soon forget that we had a fight.......I miss the long pouting ,sulking and make up sessions:-(

    Time to think up something to fight about.....thinkingsmileyMy daughters birthday is coming up.If we fight...most likely she will tell us both to just shut up and grow up!!!:shock:
    Yes ....that happens too....so enjoys your little tiffs till your kids tell you to shut up and grow up.:coffee
     
    Last edited: Aug 14, 2014
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  9. sahityaj

    sahityaj Silver IL'ite

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    Thanks all for the suggestions. After reading your responses , am feeling may be i reacted too much. I should have just left him like, give him his time to become normal. Just now came back from shopping for tomorrow with hubby. Both of us were talking only formally.
    I just want to give clarification about the actual incident happened. We were at home in the morng before his office time. He got a mail of soft copies of los pics from the photographer . There were 4 similar pics. So i told my dh to tell her to change them. He was saying " you should value her work, she took time from her busy schedule to srlect pics for us".I was like we gave 8500 money for 13 pics that too soft copies. Why cant we just ask. He was then giving me lecture in loud voice. No one was there. My mil was in other room. Then i told him not to shout.
    Anyways i have decided to behave normally as many relatives are coming tomorrow. If he comes back to me again, i will forget everything but will tell him firmly that if it happens next time, am definitely not going to tolerate. But if he doent come to me, then dont know what should i do?
     
  10. sahityaj

    sahityaj Silver IL'ite

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    "when you are finished acting like a preteen, you can join us downstairs."
    This idea is pretty good. But you know he doesnt talk to me during his silent mode but enjoys and plays with lo laughing very loudly. Am so stupid i become sad not even njoying with lo. It shows on my face that am sad. I should change this first. Am really looking forward to go to hostel. Will find peace but will miss lo:-(.
     

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