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Whom to be blamed? Just a case study....

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Tugga, Feb 15, 2012.

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  1. Tugga

    Tugga Silver IL'ite

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    Dear Friends...

    I just thought of discussing this matter with you all to get a better perspective about it...

    The above quoted lines were one of the very good responses for a thread in life without spouse sub forum, where the OP had several reasons for her divorce and MIL's interference were one major factor among them. This is not something that I want to discuss here, but just wanted to quote the line that preaches the reason for my entire post.. Pls do read...

    Basically if a marriage fails, the couples are blamed for.... No matter what, it is widely expected that the couple need to adjust/compromise and behave like a matured human being with a head above their shoulder. It is fair enough.. and understood.

    BUT...BUT...BUT... After reading this, whom to be blamed for such failures? Please drop your ideas>>>

    Case: A and B are sisters. Born and bred-up in a same family by the same people. Their physical looks and behaviour is also somewhat similar to each other. They work for private company and earn good salary. They are in their mid 20s and married to two different individuals from a very different family backgrounds.

    A, being an elder sister had a love marriage to her husband. Who is very caring, loving and supportive to her profession since the time they have met each other. But A's MIL doesnt like A and the love she shares with her husband. A's husband, being a very nice guy has a habit of pleasing everyone, that includes pleasing his mom, sisters, boss, co workers, A and her siblings/parents. This habit of his has been taken for granted by his own mother, hence he kept on pleasing her as she seems unsatisfied after his marriage.
    He was just unable to make a full stop nor say NO to his mother while she is going overboard. He either close his eyes and pretend as if there was nothing happened, or leave the place for sometimes to avoid further problems. This has given his mother a fair chance to walk over A's life and hence its in a big question mark.
    A's husband takes time to understand his mom's cunning moves, and needs more courage to speak up for his wife or kid - which he lacks... But he understands that something was not right and feels apology for everything.
    However, he neither promise to stand up for A nor stop his mom's future possible interference.
    But he feels sorry, pray to God, and punish his self for not being able to help his loving wife. He just can not go beyond his mom as he was brought up that way and it is not possible for him to say anything that could hurt her, hence he hurts his life and his wife's.

    Whereas B had an arranged marriage... B and her husband are sharing a normal life with no extra love/affection or issues. Most of the time B's husband failed to show love or take extra care of B while she was sick or during pregnancy, but it was his mom (B's MIL) who reminds him to care his wife.
    B's MIL lives far away from the couple and she knows nothing about B, but still she wants her son's life to be fruitful, hence she advises him to show extra love to his wife by all the possible ways.
    Initially B's husband was a careless/cold fellow when it comes to love matters, but afterwards, he became so romantic and loving.

    Here A and Hubby have lost all the love and affection that they shared due to the MIL and now in a process of separation, whereas B and Hubby have learnt to love each other with the help of her MIL.

    It is true that A's husband should be held responsible for the damage as he should have controlled his mom before, but how many of us have that emotional strength to face our mother's emotional dramas and fire at them after knowing that they will be damn hurt.?????? So, basically almost every man try to overlook their mother's tortures or take it as their destiny.

    Is there any man out here (may be your husband) who stood by their wife by proving that their mom was wrong (and even after all those emotional black mails). Who continued to keep vigilant and protective to their wives, and made clear that their moms cannot enter into their family affair anymore. For this, some men need to completely cut the ties with their FOOs too... I just wonder whether do we have such men out here, those made such miracles (at least according to me) to protect their wives and lives?

    Back to the case.... Here are we gonna blame A's husband for the damage or A's MIL?
    Is it like B's husband is a better husband than A's husband since B's life is more peaceful???? Or B is better than A since she is leading a happy life?

    How we are gonna view this??????
     
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  2. Alicia5

    Alicia5 Junior IL'ite

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    Hi Tugga,

    What I miss here is what's A's role in first part? Because how things shape up depends on that. Everything can be totally under control if A understands and plays her part properly.
     
  3. seagreen

    seagreen Gold IL'ite

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    Hi,

    Couple of thoughts which come to my mind after reading this case study is :

    1. Talking about whose a better husband is slightly unfair, because see a husband or a spouse is someone who needs to be there with their partner through thick and thin, understand their needs and shower love and affection. They may or may not be able to provide with materialistic or physical comfort, but the feelings should be there. Now this same husband also plays a part of a son which says a perfect son is the one who respects and takes care of their parents. In both the cases the husbands have been a good son because they listen to their mom and respect their decisions. However in the case of A the responsibilities of being a good son and a husband are contradictory, therefore its not correct to measure the 'betterness' of the husband without measuring the 'betterness' as a son.

    2. since not much light has been thrown on How excatly has A and B reacted to their situation at he begining of the marriage and now at the end (atleast for A) lets assume they have been reasonable woman without many qualms, just normal issues.

    3. No we come to who is to be blamed for A's failed marriage - I very strongly feel that the MIL should have behaved more responsibly. Purely my opinion, but as i mentioned before the man is a husband and a son, the girl is a wife and a DIL, similarly the mother is a Mother and a MIL ! Every being in this case has a dual relationship. It is very critical to maintain a balance between the 2 relationships. Ofcourse if i want to be a good son i may have to upset my wife and loose some points from being a good hubby BUT also vice versa ! A's MIL behavior has not been in the interest of either her son and neither her DIL. her behavior has been more about SELF. Sometimes when people are highly respected or atleast are in that position they are overcome by the sin called EGO. i somehow believe that has A's MIL shown little consideration only sometimes, it may have saved this relationship. Sometimes no matter how much you love your husband or your child, the suffocation you may feel from a third relationship can destroy you within making one incapable of loving someone unconditionally.

    I am keen to kno if i made sense, and would love to hear counter opinions.

    Thanks
     
  4. Tugga

    Tugga Silver IL'ite

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    I understand... Every being in this case has a dual r'ship... Just because you wanna be a GOOD son, doesnt mean you need to upset your wife.. That's where the problem starts... See, B's husband too behave as a good son to his mom, for that he was not expected to be nasty to his wife.

    A mom is a mom and a wife is a wife.... Is this the fault of A's husband for not being able to handle both women reasonably or is this a fault of his mother who influence so much in her son's life to the point where he was unable to make any fair decisions, but to hide his face behind the curtain. Certainly A's husband is not happy in this, but somehow manages as he doesnt wanna hurt his mom
     
  5. Tugga

    Tugga Silver IL'ite

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    A is being a good and responsible wife as much as she can.... But as a human being, she gets upset when things go overboard.
     
  6. sravanitenali

    sravanitenali IL Hall of Fame

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    A's Husband should be matured enough and have control over the situations before going beyond...so that he can have balanced relationship between A and MIL....Though MIL gone through the stage of DIL in past, she should give space to A to implement her own ideas and flourish the new family bonding.

    In case of B, MIL educated her Son to make a strong bonding between B and her DH....

    My case is not related to both, as my Dh stood on my side whoever come on our way to comment us and protected me from MIL/FIL/SILs.He will give them importance where required not like childishly sharing every move in our lives...for this i feel like tons of luck with me

    Sravani.
     
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  7. monita

    monita Platinum IL'ite

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    It's clearly the MIL that has to be blamed. I see both A and her DH as victims. We as a society are educated to put our mothers on a pedestal. Even if the mother is wrong, a son is unable to tell her so, lest he will be termed as a bad son. Most people would not be strong enough to handle emotional blackmail. If an average Indian man has to choose between the tag of a 'bad son' or 'bad husband', he is more likely to choose 'bad husband', simply because the tag of 'bad husband' is easier to carry than 'bad son' and is generally more acceptable in the society. In the case of B, the husband/son, doesn't have to choose. He can be a good son and a good husband at the same time.
     
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  8. Tugga

    Tugga Silver IL'ite

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    Thanks... Finally someone is thinking similar to me here... I too feel that A's MIL has to be blamed here. Once we are clear that whom to be blamed, then it is easy to fix the problem. I mean, the route cause of the problem is identified the solution will be also identified soon.

    If A's MIL is the problem, then A needs to fight with A's MIL and not with her husband (by knowing that he is also a victim). It is not that difficult to deal a MIL, but most of the time it makes complex when we expect our husbands to deal with their FOOs.
    My advice for A would be to deal her problems with her MIL directly, rather than expecting her husband to stand up or protect.

    I would also advice Indian parents to properly check the background of their daughter's future MILs rather than analyzing A -Z about the groom. A good man too expected to behave as a bad husband in order to protect his tag as a "Good son". Better he be a bad man and doesnt care about his tags.. A wife can change such husbands with her love if there is no MIL interference. At least I believe so...
     
  9. omnam

    omnam Platinum IL'ite

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    Marriage is between two people DH and DW. Clearly its A's husband needs to blamed fully to allow third party to involve inbetween him and his wife. OK, granted he was in his learning stage of marriage. He couldnt makeout the nature of his mom and fought with his wife. But eventually he should learn atleast with time that is with 2-3 instances of fight with wife, he should think on what should be done to avoid such fights.

    Ofcourse MIL is also major cause but can be avoided if A's H was mature enough.
     
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  10. Tugga

    Tugga Silver IL'ite

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    Very true:)

    But I think A's husband has got some additional responsibility other than being a simple husband/son. That is managing a difficult lady (his mom). His maturity is just enough to be a husband/son just like every other men do... But he needs some extra maturity to handle such difficult people. Had it been his mother behaved like B's MIL, the story would have been different and no one would question about his maturity in this marriage. So.. whom to be blamed here?
     
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