whom i love? (cont...)

link for part-I

My First-Love!!

U may think, I gonna pen something interesting. But what I have in stock is all reason for you to think that I am a nerd, may be greatest of all time.

Since my early teens, I am determined and dared to propose any girl instantly, if I really fall in love. Now I am back almost seven years (I even could refer the exact date and month) when I first saw her, I had every reason to tell that she is not of my type - her gypsy styled accessories; the English accent hard to penetrate into my ears then; the animated expressions and gestures, etc. The kind of jane ever I would like to avoid.

But in reality, I was chasing her for almost six months since I first saw her. Then I know almost every single detail about her including her mobile number and her father’s bank account number (it’s quite filmy how I got those). But expect for a single detail, “Do I really love her?” All through those six months my struggle was not to win her love, rather convince myself that I love her sincerely. Confusion is the better word to define all those feelings, neither love nor infatuation.

May be, the confusion is still on...

The jerk of the train ensured that I didn’t sink into those icky feelings again. When I put down my head to see out the window, it was one of the stations where I could get better food in that route. And I realized that it was late afternoon and wondering how I forgot my breakfast.

As I was thrusting my lunch into my mouth thinking all time, some voice echoed in me,

“Travel”

- “Isn’t it what I love these days?” Ever since I started living outside my home-town travel being an integral part of myself. I forced to enjoy travel on due course, especially when traveling became a part of my profession. Travel is a thing which “I have to love rather I love to have” I know the have-to-love type is like an Indian champagne.

My Family!

I don’t have courage to let anyone consider me as one of the unpleasant human in this world. So I am not including here anything which I scribbled for next few hours. All I could say is: “I failed on most of the occasions as a son and as a brother.”

My LORD!! My JESUS CHRIST!!

I may not be in this state of mind or frustration being accused myself for not loving anybody if I honestly loved HIM. As HE says, “Love others as you love yourself” and also “He who loves HIM should obey HIS Commandments”. Both I didn’t. Rather I hurt others and commits sin at my will.

Thinking all these I reached home and lethargically unloaded my travel bag as a forced discipline I follow these days. I could neither find an answer nor could wipe out the question from my mind even almost after 14 hours. I decided to keep the question aside and started to look into if I have learnt anything that day, as an idea of diverting the focus.

• That nobody beneath the sky to hate me.
• Whoever loves me, loves me perfectly & I have no chance of complaining on it.
• I never starved for love or affection all these 24 plus years.

I was happy to realize all these for the first time in my life. On the other side, the question was still pressing me for an apt answer. I somehow want to conclude the day with some or other answer. Then I told myself,

• I may love everybody; but may not the way they want me to.
• I may love them all, but just failing only in the art of expressing it (as they do) or
• I may not learnt yet how to love anybody or maybe I don’t aware what exactly love is.

or

• May be I hurt all the people I love, and that’s a unique my way of expressing it.

I was already tired of the previous long day and the travel. So I didn’t need a much convincing answer than the last one to calm my thoughts and to sleep.

I woke up the next morning and was recollecting those answers in front of my mirror, a quaint smile appeared on my face as only I know whether those answers were genuine or it’s my typical smart way of using words, which I used to overcome the accuses thrown at me.
---

~ Jul/Aug ´2009

 

thanks for your feedback RGS!

 

i thought it was a very personal questions of mine! quess, i am not confusing clear minds with my question!!

i m far from these comments! but will humbly receive it & try my best.. atleast with one post each week!

 

akila, u made my day many thanks for these words & feedback!

i wish this is true