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Who Should Be Buying Gifts Me Or Mil Or Both ?

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by star90, Apr 24, 2018.

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Apr 25, 2018 #21

Zxcv Silver IL'ite

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nakshatra1 said: ↑

Be it boy or girl , parents don't have any right on their kids money . If any parents think that raising children is an investment to later ask for returns ,then they should be ashamed of being selfish parents .

As for husband wife relationship , they are a team and definitely wife's role and contribution is greater and not just limited to household chores . She takes burden and pain of periods every month , sacrifices to maintain a healthy body to bear children , alone take burden of pregnancy and lactation etc so there is no equality even if the wife is not earning , her contribution to marriage is much greater than any price can be put on it . Husband should be gracious to include her as an equal partner in all financial decisions .

It is not right to say that wife owns husband money , rather husband should realise it is not just his money alone but joint money and she should be included in all major purchases and planning .

In any case an individual has first right on his own income , but never forget that wife is not a dependant rather he is dependent on her in a way that can never be matched by any financial contribution . But same time wife should respect the individuals rights to his own hard earned money and not interfere in matter of minor things like gifts or anything that doesn't make any significant dent to their life and future savings .
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Beautifully said!! Amen to every word

Zxcv, Apr 25, 2018

Zxcv, Apr 25, 2018

#21

nakshatra1 and star90 like this.
Apr 26, 2018 #22

star90 Senior IL'ite

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Rosey2018 said: ↑

Forget her behaviour. Does hubby buy you things? Make you feel special? Regardless of working or not working, youre his wife, any money he makes is for both of you ( different people will say different things). Alot of feminists or modern women think women have no right over a mans money and should earn their own but that’s what fails women further down the line. A man should spend on his wife as his first responsibility is her. But you also have a right over that money ( that he earns whilst being married to you) When you get married it’s part of the package/joint agreement).I don’t think you’re greedy and would take advantage of it like some people do. But you do things for him right? Cook clean etc so yeah you do hAve a right. Being a housewife is hard work ( I’m not sure what your situation is). I assume you’ve agreed to stay at home right as part of your marriage. Anytime he gives you money save some for yourself.

With inlaws I believe if they’re needy then you should help them out...but not for their extravagances.

Does you mil have anyone who can provide for her? Husband? Are they both old? Let him give her gold as a one of/special present ( tell ur husband it’s from both of you) but don’t make it a regular thing because u need to think about your future. Yeah u may get a job in the future but certain things in life doesn’t make a job always guaranteed. You and your husband may decide it’s better for you to stay at home and look after the kids.

Spend on yourself too. Dont be stingy when it comes to getting things for yourself, your husband, your house. It’s your money too. It shouldn’t be that your living the life of a pauper abroad, making do without certain things and your relatives in india are living a rich life on your income. Sometimes when you give relatives too much they expect it without fail. That can be hard when say for example you can’t send as much because you have a baby on the way or hubby doesn’t earn as much anymore?

Ideally it’s best if gifts are given each way. But what if she doesn’t have the money to give it you or thinks her son provides for you so that’s enough. It would be kind of her to give gifts to you. But do what I say never expect anything from anyone so youre never disappointed. However, your mil may not have gotten gifts from her MIL so she maybe following that pattern. Some people also show their love and kindness in other ways for example by their words and actions rather than gift giving. Does she do that?
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My MIL has some amount in her account, which FIL gave her. Its not a very small amount. The thing is she talks like I have to ask her permission in spending my husbands money. If she comes to know that I bought an item she wants to know the price and stuff. she wants to also know how I spend my salary (I have started earning now).

star90, Apr 26, 2018

star90, Apr 26, 2018

#22
Apr 26, 2018 #23

star90 Senior IL'ite

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lavii said: ↑

IMO, its good to see she has rapport with you to share list of items she want .Rather than most of the MIL's who just make faces and feel bad that their DS/DIL are not gifting , she is far better .

Also regarding spending money on gifts is an individual choice unless its hampering your lifestyle .I will not say you are wrong in expecting gifts from her however as long as you and your DH are in a state to afford what you want ,guess it should not matter about her gifting culture .

There are lot of sacrifices parents make in raising kids .They take education loans, buy everything a kid wants and needs so i guess when a person is a position to gift something to parents back we should not oppose .
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I know but she acts like she has supreme right on my husbands money. We dont make a lot for her to order costly items when we use medioore to reduce the expenditure. The thing is she talks like I have to ask her permission in spending my husbands money. If she comes to know that I bought an item she wants to know the price and stuff. she wants to also know how I spend my salary (I have started earning now).

star90, Apr 26, 2018

star90, Apr 26, 2018

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Apr 26, 2018 #24

star90 Senior IL'ite

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Sangeeta85 said: ↑

It’s not wrong if your husband gives her..but does she has other source of income or does she depend on her son..
I also feel if she does not trouble u in any other stuff n does not interfere inur life I think it’s good to give her..
Don’t even think of mil giving gifts it’s waste of time n going nuts ..they will never give or think ..just leave it..someone says tell them u don’t need it so it’s sll good ...
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She has enough money in bank. Its not just the gifting thingy. she wants to now how much my husband spends on me.

star90, Apr 26, 2018

star90, Apr 26, 2018

#24
Apr 26, 2018 #25

star90 Senior IL'ite

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nakshatra1 said: ↑

Your husband has first right on his income . And nothing wrong to gift his mom. Actually I don't like anyone who explicitly asks for gifts , gifts should be given out of choice . But if he is ok there's not much you can do .

A wife doesn't have absolute right on her husband's income . However she has right to interfere if he is being very irresponsible with money , like not saving for future , taking lots of debts .If it's some serious matter like this then wife has right to object as a life partner and mother if his kids. Otherwise he has freedom on his income .

Imagine yourself in his place , if you were working wouldn't you like to gift gold to your mom , for all the sacrifices she made and also how much they must have spent for your education your marriage a little bit gold is nothing compared to that .

Other factor is are you dependent by choice / circumstances or your husband doesn't want you to work . If he is the one who asked you to quit job to stay at home to look after house and kids , in that case you have absolutely equal right over every financial decision .my suggestion would be try and become independent financially then you don't have to worry about these things .
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How to discourage my MIL from her habit of interfering in money matters concerning me and my husband. she wants to know how much my husbands spends on me. We buy mediocre products for ourselves and she says she wants branded ones. which I think is not fair.

star90, Apr 26, 2018

star90, Apr 26, 2018

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Apr 26, 2018 #26

star90 Senior IL'ite

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pinky2cute said: ↑

I can understand your situation.

And this "feminism" has got maligned by too many definitions in too many ways.
In general, feminism refers to protecting females from gender inequality like lack of education lack of respect lack of opportunities to live life the way she wnats.
But lot of people misunderstand it.
Feminism doesnt mean whatever a male does a female should do the same too!

Marriage is not a business where you weigh each and everything equally. This is the major reason why divorce rates are high nowadays.

Yes, women should not sit silent and bear everything in a wrong marriage where she is not respected, her opinions not matters or where she is illtreated.
But, truth is that marriages require lot of sacrifices, compromises, adjustments, understanding from your spouse's point of view, letting go, changing what you can, forget and forgive sometimes.

In a marriage, especially India, women sacrifice and adjust a lot. Men cannot even equal to women. Ofcourse some few exceptions are always there.
But, science cannot alter the male and female genders. By nature, women have to endure monthly periods, carry baby for 40weeks, bear the pain of delivery...which itself is biggest blessing to create another human but no man can equal that.

And when the baby is born, she sacrifices career to take care of baby, or some.manage to get back to work despite small baby and breastfeeding too.

Can any man equal to this?? No never.
Can any amount of payment even be equal to all that a woman goes through as a wife/mother to form a family life? No.
Yes, a man has his shares of issues ranging from work pressure to getting sandwiched between wife n mother or about future savings, etc.

What i am saying is, as a couple, each has his or her own issues to deal with in a marriage and outside in the world too. We cannot always talk about "equality".

Both husband and wife should be one and share everything. When they can share their naked bodies, sleep together, raise kids together, form a family together , share all ups and downs in life together then why not share money?

Then why should a women feel embarassed to spend her husband's money?

Coming to the topic, you have every damn right on your husband's salary. Once married, there is no my money or your money irrespective of who is earning and how much.
If you are stay at home wife or mom so what?? Staying at home and looking after house, food, most of all taking care of your husband and kids is a task in itself. Again here some people will weigh this task and say since you are doing house work so you ought to get pocket money from husband.

What is this?? Women are not maids or employees at home! Women take care n do housework bco its her home. And her husband earns for her n their kids. So the money is their money. Period.

About parents, yes, they have right to ask things and gifts from their kids as long as its reasonable.
Maybe your mil asks things from abroad so that she can show off to her frnds or relatives that her son got her this frm foreign etc.
And once in a while gifting gold to his mom is not bad if he is able to provide basic needs plus some savings for your n kids future.
Yes, you will feed bad. Its genuine feeling for any wife.

What you can do?
If the gold and big luxurr purchase demands are frequent, talk straight to husband and express your displeasure but in a productive way like talk about kids education costs future costs etc. To give him reality check on finances.
For other little demands that she asks, slowly and tactfully reduce it..like when she asks some thing, and your dh goes to buy, distract him saying "oh my this is costly, she would easily get it in local in lesser price and same quality!" Or like "this srems bad quality.." etc.

So dont feel embarassed about spending your dhs money. Its YOUR money.
Next time your mil comments on your spending, politely smile and say that "me? Spending money? Oh no ma! Nothing as compared to getting you gifts." That should alert her.
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Thanks for your reply. I shall try to convey it to her someday soon ..!

star90, Apr 26, 2018

star90, Apr 26, 2018

#26
Apr 26, 2018 #27

star90 Senior IL'ite

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Rosey2018 said: ↑

How come your MIL doesn’t like you spending hubbys money? When you’re married you share money. Is it on certain things she’s bothered about or everything? By share, I mean its 'YOUR ' money (husband and wife's) so you do have a right to it. If she doesnt like you working or spending his income where are you supposed to get money from? Thats unfair on you.

I agree with pinky2cute about 'pocket money' and everything else. It shouldn't be that just because you do housework you should get paid or are entitled to his money. I was NOT saying that . However, I don't believe women should squander a mans wealth/income unnecessarily (which obviously you dont do judging by your post). Men also word hard in their job to provide for their family so it is not only women 'slaving away' at home. You both have a right to the money.

But even so, regardless of being a homemaker or not. Money that is earnt by the couple belongs to the couple. You do have a right over the money. That means you should discuss it as husband and wife. No one else.
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Its like I have to tell how much I spend on each and everything. Like she picks up things and asks me or her son.

star90, Apr 26, 2018

star90, Apr 26, 2018

#27
Apr 26, 2018 #28

star90 Senior IL'ite

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Zxcv said: ↑

I may sound selfish but I def don’t agree that the boys parents have equal rights to the money ..the sacrifices the loans it’s on both sides!! The girls side is always belittled ..Infact our parents even spend lakhs on our wedding, education, every damn occasion after the wedding as well and some how the boys family gets all the credit.
As a child be it boy or girl we have duties towards our parents ..any emergency, all the occasions and so on we have to be there for them at any cost. But this outright entitlement and demand for luxuries disregarding the wife’s role is something I am not able to accept.
My own inlaws are male chauvinistic and even brag about being so! So I can understand what you are going through..
OP, I think you are right to feel this way but deal the situation carefully. Don’t talk my money or ur money..like other ILs suggested have a sensible talk with u r husband and make him understand. Don’t confront .. it just makes things worse.
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Yes , more is spend to bring up and marry off a girl . Wish India was like the gulf countries..

star90, Apr 26, 2018

star90, Apr 26, 2018

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Apr 26, 2018 #29

star90 Senior IL'ite

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Naari said: ↑

I would like to start off by saying let’s not debate like the Indian movie court cases i.e. purely based on emotionally appealing arguments. I do the household work, take care of kids, cook , clean are all morally appealing arguments but have no legal enforceability.

Consider a case where a wife does all service for her husband & is all dedicated to him. Yet there is a chance *hypothetically* that the husband strays in the marriage or something goes wrong due to no fault of wife & the two separate . A court may order child support or alimony in US but I am not sure how it works in India. My point is why leave your own future in someone else’s hands, why not take take charge of your own life?

I know in US some states have community property laws that allow for 50% sharing of income made during the marriage but I think a prenup can even override that. I just believe we women shd take our own lives in our own hands. I know not everyone is well educated enough to get great, handsomely paying jobs but we can all try to start small & work our way up. Let that not be an excuse to be confined to the four walls of the home. Just my 2 cents.
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I just googled it.. cant find any law supporting a wife's right ..
I have done a lot to help my husband rise up the ladder but .. i dont think there is anything that would give me back in case we fall off..

star90, Apr 26, 2018

star90, Apr 26, 2018

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Apr 26, 2018 #30

star90 Senior IL'ite

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I got an idea of what to do now.. thank you kind ladies!!

star90, Apr 26, 2018

star90, Apr 26, 2018

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