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Who Is It At Fault ? Unhappy Married Life

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Neetu2323, Apr 16, 2018.

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  1. Neetu2323

    Neetu2323 Senior IL'ite

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    I wasnt exactly comparing myself to her.
    My parents are good to him. I am also earning and I do have to adjust wd a lot of ppl. Why is that I have to adjust with him?

    Why is that my husband supports his mom even if she is wrong? Are you telling me that a mans favourite will always be his mom even if shes wrong?

    I am fine if he loves his mom more than me but i feel its not right if he supports her even after she does things to upset me. I dont have a kid yet.. but once I have I am thinking I should team him or her against his grandma..

    I am not talking logically i know. I have that much anger inside me because of my husbands and MIL character.
     
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  2. Neetu2323

    Neetu2323 Senior IL'ite

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    Yes we had over 6months we used to mostly chat..
    But he wouldnt come to meet me not speak much saying his mom said its not right to meet before marriage..

    I asked him these things beforehand .. and he lied about all these and tried to escape from answering .I am realising all these now.
     
  3. Meghaa

    Meghaa Silver IL'ite

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    I am sorry OP - but the writing was on the wall and you went ahead anyway
     
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  4. Neetu2323

    Neetu2323 Senior IL'ite

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    I am not sure what you mean by wall..
    I am new in IL
     
  5. Rosey2018

    Rosey2018 Bronze IL'ite

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    Hi Neetu,

    I don’t want you feeling sad about your situation. It’s not your fault. Problems happen in every marriage. Don’t give strangers on here a chance to judge your marriage or make you feel unhappy. Strangers will say anything to pass time or pass judgements. Take some time it, breathe, relax and do something for yourself. Even if it means a nice relaxing bath. Distance yourselves from in laws or anything about them.

    Sometimes the situation isn’t as bad as we see it but because of our hormones, pregnancy, periods or menopause our feelings can seem 1000 x worse than what they are.

    I can see people making you regret you marrying your husband but if you marry another guy similar things will be there. Nearly every girl I’ve spoken to has said things were beautiful before marriage and after marriage he’s changed so we all go through this...it takes time. All relationships take time. Are you resting well?

    You’re giving too much power to your in laws even people on this forum. Don’t care what ppl do or think. I know it’s hard but honestly you’ll feel so much better. Look at the link I give you it will cheer u up and make u laugh and help u with your situation.
     
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  6. Rosey2018

    Rosey2018 Bronze IL'ite

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    She means you saw the signs before marriage that he wasn’t a good person. That’s not true. Some men don’t meet before marriage out of respect because they’d rather be intimate after marriage. No harm in that.
     
  7. Sunburst

    Sunburst Finest Post Winner

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    What exactly is the issue here ? You live abroad , have a full time job , not living with in laws . How does your IL not having friends , eating and sleeping all day in their 50s, staying home and not going anywhere bother you so much ?? They must have worked hard in their life so if they want to sleep all day in their 50’s , attend or not attend events , good for them ! Just as you have expectations to get choclates and teddies in your 20s or how it’s so cool that your side of family celebrates every event , they too are entitled to live life their way so respect that . To me it sounds like you are just finding an excuse to find issues with them . “Modern”,”educated “ people should know how to handle this better . Maybe introspect and focus more on yourself , your hubby and career to keep yourself busy with so monkey mind doesn't keep constantly thinking about what your ILs are doing in their old age. Also , there are people who complain that their ILs are too nosy , call everyday , facetime , live 6 months a year with them , you on the other hand are axing your foot and wanting to know why they don’t call?


    If you and your DH start fighting within 10 mins of your conversation then it’s more of an issue between you both . Blaming everything on some old people living 10,000 miles away who are sleeping all day according to you have got nothing to do with it . Maybe you should ask for suggestions on how to work on your marriage .That would be a better thread to respond to.
     
    Last edited: Apr 17, 2018
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  8. SunPa

    SunPa Platinum IL'ite

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    Looking at the problems you are facing in the 4 years of marriage, probably the better astrological time was to get married after 29.

    That should have shown clearly how modern his mom is.
    That should have shown you that he will obediently follow his mom, even when she is living in the previous century.
    This is what @Meghaa was trying to point out.

    Stop putting the blame on your ILs and realise that it is your hubby who you need to live with, and work on that. 4 years you should have formed a emotional bond with him. Strengthen that if you want him to listen to you. Few of us have a great relation with MIL, many have decent relations. The key is stop judging her. Yes she is not perfect, she cant cook as well , is not as well off, not as clean, whatever - let her be. You just stick with what you think is right , and be firm on that. Dont let her control you, other than that let her be. Being focused on what you want will help you achieve that.
     
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  9. Shanvy

    Shanvy Finest Post Winner

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    my way or highway is not the way. build a midway. talk to your husband leaving the so active, so modern so hip hop parents and the so sleeyhead, the down the fashion laden jewellery laden and not at all likable in-laws.

    your parents and you overlooked all the redflags in the alliance due to astrology and your height and things. you could have overlooked astrology ?? you and your parents too have some of the roots embedded in tradition inspite of the 3 generation of working women. and you might have discussed a lot of these things before you finalised this match.

    what is it with i am a working woman i earn. does it mean you, your mother are better than mil.

    op there are lots of confusions and the expectation vs. reality parity in your thoughts. you need to actually sit and think about what it is you are really looking at. your frustrations are justified but your being ashamed to be seen with your in-laws is taking it to a extreme. you give so much importance to your status, social circle that you are not working on your marriage.

    he gives sarees and handbags, i know many here in this forum would say sigh the guy knows to gift. if his family has never celebrated important days, then why dont you start doing it for him and include his parents..make new traditions. family traditions are made i did. my husband got his first set of jeans, sports shoes on his first birthday after our marriage. believe me that was a first and a moment to cherish even after 25 yrs

    coming from a super rich, well off family does not give you wings in a marriage. marriage comes with its own + and = and you learn to form bonds. you learn to grow closer, being there for each other in your marriage.

    i came from a rich family while my husband was not but it never stood in the way. we formed our bonding..

    it is easy to push the blame on to others, but try working on your part before that..and stop giving power to somebody who is not in the picture to destroy your marriage..
     
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  10. Young@heart

    Young@heart Silver IL'ite

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    Comparisons wont take you anywhere.
    Plus let me tell you we all have a facade of happy relationships for the outside world. So what you see may not be what it is.
     
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