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Who Is It At Fault ? Unhappy Married Life

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Neetu2323, Apr 16, 2018.

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  1. Neetu2323

    Neetu2323 Senior IL'ite

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    hello ladies

    I am not happy with my married life..Coming from an upper middle class family , I got married to a family who claim to be upper middle class and claim to share similar values.. I am disappointed with my husband and in laws. They dont consider me as a family member even after 4 years of marriage. My in laws act like they are very old, there thinking style is very old. MIL is 50 and FIL 59. My parents are in the same age range but are much modern in their outlook. My in laws always talk like they are too old and will die anytime. They make fun of me if I call my husband by name. They dont want me to work , they wont call me or inform me regarding anything related to them or my husbands cousins. We stay abroad and when I ask my husband why they never call, my husband says they are old. Come on ..my parents are in the same age range . My in laws dont celebrate anniversaries , marriages, birthdays etc.. \

    they dont have any energy, they dont do anything in life other than eat and sleep.
    THEY DONT HAVE FRIENDS . they have the money but they dont travel. I cant relate to them at all.
    I feel they are living in a different world.


    Why are they so backward? My in laws like to show off though they are so backward mind wise.
    they like to wear expensive clothes, ornaments , phones etc.. My husband never said about any of this before or after marriage. I cant relate with my husband as well . he is also like them. He has enough salary which he spends only on sarees and bags for me.. I dont want those stuff. I am also working . I prefer chocolates and teddies . According to him investing on travel or a buying a flat or plot now is not good. He is living in 1940's.

    we are young but my husband is like an old man. I am not happy with my life.
    what should I do. My background, my parents. my friends we all travel once or twice a year. we celebrate even small things.
     
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  2. MonikaSG

    MonikaSG Gold IL'ite

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    It all depends on the society that one live. I too feel my ILS are very much different but with time i realised no one is perfect. Every person has his own perspective of viewing the things. Just discuss with your h all the differences and respect them. You do what you like and let them do what they like. For his parents health issues i guess they may have many health related problems. Try to find it out.
     
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  3. Neetu2323

    Neetu2323 Senior IL'ite

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    Thanks for your response Monika..
    My husband is not open with me, I believe he had to tell me all this before marriage. I am not able to accept them in my life. I am not able to accept my husband also. I cant relate to him, he showed me a fake side before marriage.
    We live like room mates. He still considers his dad and mom as his family and not me. He used to say his parents had a modern outlook . Even when I saw them a few times before marriage , from their dressing I felt they were modern.
    My husband's excuse is his parents are innocent . I am much younger to him and his parents , am I supposed to treat them as kids? When ever they have an issue they contact me or my husband, but if we have an issue or need they say we have to deal on our own.


    My in laws don't have any serious illness other than diabetes, which even my mom has.
    I really appreciate your response. I am not a very matured person , I am 25 yrs old.
    In laws put all the responsiblities on my head , even then they dont show that they love or care for me.
    they still follow things like.. wife eats less than husband. Wife should stay at husbands home and can maximum visit her family and never stay over at her family house. My husband keeps mum when his mother says all these to me.
    His mom is innocent and knows nothing at this age according to him.
     
  4. MonikaSG

    MonikaSG Gold IL'ite

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    I can understand. My mil also have this type of thinking. She say that proper food should be made only for men and it should be served hot. Women should eat cold and left out food. I fought for this but she never understood and created negative feeling for me. But what else can we do. They will never change. The more we try to explain them the more they dislike us. Its better to let them be and do your work. But do try to find good about your h if you want to survive with this marriage. Else it will be difficult for you.
     
  5. Rosey2018

    Rosey2018 Bronze IL'ite

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    I think your main bother is not being treated right which I totally understand as I was in the same boat. You know what so don’t bother with them. Play the same game that they’re doing to irritate you. Hubby won’t take ur side right now especially because he’ll feel defensive about his parents just like we do ours.

    If they don’t let you work volunteer somewhere let them get used to the idea ( don’t ask them can I work/ volunteer) and then one day apply for jobs. When u volunteer day say to in laws doctor said I have stress and need to do something to free my mind.

    If they don’t celebrate you celebrate. Celebrate your own and your husbands birthday, anniversary etc they’re not used to it so they may change seeing you.

    I’m not sure about the expenditure but why don’t u make a savings out for a rainy day. You know life can change at any moment. Get money from him weekly and start saving for something you need or your children need ( do u have kids?).

    There’s a clash in the way you lived your life before marriage and after marriage. It’s common in every marriage. Work your way through it and compromise. Celebrate little things with him. Even if it’s at your parents. He’s not seen that world. Neither have in laws.

    Hmm I honestly understand how you’re feeling. I get your angry with your husband but you have to put yourself first. Look after yourself I’m sure u already look after him. Give him responsibilities so he understands. He will change.

    Regarding the wife eats less etc that is strange. You do your own thing like u said ur husband keeps mum. If he isn’t bothered or has said anything to u why do u bother? Do what u want! Show confidence.
     
  6. Neetu2323

    Neetu2323 Senior IL'ite

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    My husband won't open up. When we have such discussions with our friends he will say his family and relatives are modern. Even his friends won't believe about his parents outlook because they were staying for 20 plus years in a a very modern city. My husband also has such things in his mind which I started realising now. I thought that my husband was modern as he was working and studying in the US for sometime. I also studied out for sometime and find it hard to connect with him because of his outlook. My husband used to tell me how modern his mom is before marriage and now i see this ..!

    what should I do? Should I divorce him? My parents find all this normal and they wont let me divorce. My parents dint even tell me, that his family might me little background. I cant dress up like their desi bahu or behave like one. I am a modern woman. All my friends and cosuins have super cool mother in laws. Mine pulls me back with her orthodox ways. I sometimes feel ashamed to say I am married into such a bad family. Who should be blamed? My husband? My parents? MYSELF?
     
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  7. MonikaSG

    MonikaSG Gold IL'ite

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    I know its difficult to find out ways to adjust. I too did this but cannot give any exact path to follow. For me divorce is the last thing to consider if you do not have any major issues. Do not blame anyone. It will take all your energy. Save it for your uplift. Try to live as you like and let them dislike you. Dont try to explain them much and convince them about your ways. They will adjust aaccording to you. Just give them respect and do your duties for them. Other than that live your life as you want.
     
  8. iamsrihere

    iamsrihere Platinum IL'ite

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    Your in-laws's attitude or nature is not your problem now. You don't live with them but you live with your husband. Try to slowly change his though process and make him feel happy when you do things of your interest. Dont impose your dreams or interest but slowly try to implement them so that he finds it a comfortable change.

    Otherwise don't feel very sad if your in-laws don't call. You anyway don't like their lifestyle or habits , why do you want to keep hearing from them the same thing often. So be thankful if you are being left to live your own life.
     
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  9. Neetu2323

    Neetu2323 Senior IL'ite

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    thanks for your response Rosey

    yes that's right , I am not treated right that''s bothering me. I expected to have a modern thinking in laws. Modern i mean not too modern but people with a healthy outlook . Can you give me few ideas to play the game back..
    I cant live without bothering them because I want some love from my in laws too. I am not able to accept them this way where the degrade me. When I see other people getting love and affection from their in laws i feel sad.

    my mother in law had to go through a few years of slight harrasment from her in laws. She moved away with her husband after the initial stage. I once heard saying this to her sister. I have realised she is trying to put me through the very same situations. We are stay abroad but she comes often for visit and when ever we go for vacation we have to stay at my husbands home. stay there is unbearable for me. My mil tries make us stay at home all the time or she wants us to go for her things. She tries and succeed in deciding what i should , eat , wear, do during my vacation. My husband has nothing to say . she wont let me visit my family or relatives.
     
  10. DDream

    DDream Platinum IL'ite

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    No one is perfect. Neither you nor your dh or in-aws or your parents. Please accept that.

    I feel like you are thinking too much about things that you dont have any control. Count your blessings. You are in a better position than many other women in this world. You work. You have a loving and caring husband ( that why he brings to you Sarees and bags). Have you ever told your husband that you like chocolates and teddies ? If not how can he imagine it. Tell him about your likes and interest.

    First accept that your in-laws are not your parents. They have different lifestyles and expectations. Dont expect that they should behave like your parents. It is just a waste of time. They have been living their life in their own way. Now it is quite impossible to change it unless they themselves decide to change.

    You are lucky that you are staying away from them. Try to maintain a respectful and courteous relation with them. You are young and you have good energy. So call then once in every month or week and talk in a nice way but to minimum level. This is a good strategy as it may makes your dh and ILS happy.

    What about your parents? Do they call your husband and talk to him everyday ? If they do good for you. We cannot force someone to do something we like. It is better not to expect something from others.

    My policy is like this " If the system dont work for you, change it or do something else or dont complain" .
    You cannot change others, so change yourself and your response.

    Try to focus on your married life. Appreciate the positive side of your husband. Make him trust and love you more. Slowly you can make him fulfill your dreams and passions in life. But accept the fact that you and your husband are too different individuals with different upbringing and expectations. Both is equally good or bad, it depends on the view of the person who evaluates it. So start saying yours self you are happy, you love your husband instead of worrying about negatives and things you cannot change or have any control.

    What makes you happy may not bring any happiness to him and wise versa. Its individual preferences and choices. So try to understand each other and compliment each other. Then only life became beautiful.

    OP, stop worrying about these and start enjoy each moment in life with your dh. Be happy and positive. Good luck
     
    Last edited: Apr 16, 2018
    Flower27, Neetu2323, Sunburst and 9 others like this.
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