Which is correct

BuviVishal · Feb 9, 2012

Hi,

I got married in last June. I am staying in join family. I am working in software company. i am sharing cooking and cleaning work with my MIL in the morning and evening. Weekend also i am supporting her. Here my problem is i did not open my mouth when my MIL told anything which is hurting me lot. even i did not share this to my husband also. i was thinking if i share with him he might be will ask her and misunderstanding will come between us.. Even i did not respond if she spoke about my family. on that moment i just trying to change the topic and trying to come out from that place.After came alone i am crying and worrying about her speach.

Whether i should ask my MIL on her face or i should leave as it is:rotfl. now i am thinking that if i did not open my mouth they will think me as i will not take care her words like that( she might be think me as if i(MIL) say anything she(me) will not mind so we can tell anything). i dont know where i should open my mouth and where i should be calm.

Can you please give some advice for this.

P.S By nature i wont reply back if i feel hurts. keeping silent and will try to forget that moment. i wont express....

Which character is correct. whether my character will affect my future????????:spin i confused lot. thinking thinking but did not get any solution.:bonk

My friends and colleagues seems that they reply back to their MIL speach..

silvertulip · Feb 9, 2012

Hi Buvi..how are ur terms with ur DH? Is it only ur MIL who is saying things? If you think your DH is supportive of u, then you share what you feeling about ur MIL's behavior to him. Is she talking only about ur family or anything else? Talk to ur DH and ask what is your MIL's problem with you and your family. If she says about your family again, politely tell her what you feel.

Dalbir · Feb 9, 2012

hey its just a part of life so don't worry at all. you have a calm nature that is very good but its doesn't mean that you have to hear all the time. whenever you feel that, whatever your MIL is saying you is wrong then do speak up but calmly, because if you fight back then it can create differences between you & your in laws. never raise your voice before her but do speak.
it will show that you respect her but you are not liking her words.

one more thing that share it with your husband in that manner that he doesn't feel that you are back bitching about your MIL.
Be happy & everything will be alright.

take care.

thanks
dalbir

sundari77 · Feb 9, 2012

Hi Buvi

It all depends on how your Mother in law is bonded with you otherwise. How she is generally? Will she always complain about every body or she is just complaining about you and ur family. Other wise generally is she behaving normally and her complains are more about the marraige ceremony or some thing which is a one time event..

Why iam asking is if she is generally good and if it about some one particular event you can just ignore instead of starting the war. Generally from my 10 years of experience when her son is newly married all mother good or bad get that insecurity and after she come to know you better she will slowly settle down.

So analyse her . IF she is too much hurting then yes you need to say to her first polietely. But since you are newly married and if it arranged marriage then even ur hubby will be slowly trying to know abt u now. so dont start complaining staight away about his mother to him.

So what i would suggest is wait and watch.

Best regards
Sundari

RJMK · Feb 9, 2012

God has blessed you with a wonderful nature..Do not react to her at all and you have done right by not telling your H...Your MIL will understand that her blabbering will not affect you she herself will stop...

BuviVishal · Feb 9, 2012

Thanks for your replies... if i inform this to my husband i dont know about his reactions. he will ask her in front of me. on that time i cant face her thats why i am not share this to my husband. MIL is good but she will never ever satisfied in workwise and marriage formalities wise. i am more like a traditional family. my parents gave whatever my in law asked but she saying that all models looks like a old model (jewells, dress and vessils). for this i did not reply back.

you know from first day i am calling her as MOM since she doesnt have daughter. having only sons. i think my co sister doesnt give that much preference. thats why i am treating her as my mom. but she did not undersand me.

i dont know how long it will take to know about her.

silvertulip · Feb 9, 2012

what u mean workwise? as far as marriage formalities are concerned let her talk, don't reply. As u said she is good in nature, but bothers u workwise and abt marriage formalities, then it is the usual MIL talks which u should ignore..

BuviVishal · Feb 9, 2012

workwise means kitchen work and home cleaning work. after returned from office i did kitchen work not cooking dinner, cleaning the kitchen and cutting the vegetables for next day lunch. usually i slept at 11.30. daily i travelled 45 km to go my office by train.

i am not complaining about her. she supported me lot if she is not cooking i cant go office but she did not appreciates me after seen my activities. i am expecting this lot from her.

Trustcarelove · Feb 9, 2012

Buvi,
From my experience, i talk back to my MIL if i feel something is wrong..but the best way is like what you are doing right now...to stay calm but make sure it hurts you not by talking back..tell her "why are you talking like this aunty ..it hurts me" in a calm, polite, subtle voice..if you talk back, only name you will get is dis obedient DIL , do not know how to respect elders and will blame on your parents and their brought up..the best way is to be calm, make sure she understands, tell your husband in a calm way that it hurts you , don't tell it is making you angry..tell him it hurts you..men will understand..
I have decided to follow the same and trying my level best..

iyerponnu · Feb 10, 2012

Buvi,

I can tell you something from my experience - I dont live with my in-laws. I stayed with them for about 2 weeks after the wedding, and from then on a few weeks each year, and when they came to spend time with us here.. For the first two days after the wedding, I was quite busy running around for the visa. After that, I started noticing that she would make snide remarks, her first one was that I did not have enough gold bangles to wear. I was wearing just 2 thin bangles, as I was not comfortable wearing all of mine. Her next one was that I was not given an additional chain to wear. She likes to wear more than one, so she insisted that I wear more than one too - when I hesitated, she gave me one of her own, which was quite sweet, followed by the comment, 'People will laugh if my daughter-in-law is not well decked!!' I was quite upset with the statement.. She made me wear two chains apart from the mangalsutra. It was not that I didnt have more than one, I did not like to wear them... my husband would ask me to remove all my chains as soon as we turned the corner of the road In fact my dad-in-law teased me that I was looking like a jewellery store mannequin!!All this in a week after the wedding!! And more in the days to come! I stayed quiet because it had been drummed into me that I should NOT talk back! Lots of ups and downs, but by now my mom-in-law assumed that I will not say anything... so she started talking about anything and everything related to me! I had to stand up for myself at one point... and believe me, it was not something she expected. Even now, I do not talk back much to her, but I do make my feelings known (I ve been married for 8 years now)..She still tries to micro manage us through long distance telephone calls! But trust me girl, it is always better to talk back once in a while. Do not go head on, but let her know that you will not take it lightly. It could be in the form of a firm 'I am hurt when you say this'.. Do not get into an argument, as we will be made to look like the wrong 'un!!

Try to ownership of some work in the house... Over the weekends, cook for the entire family.. I know it is difficult when you are working and travelling a long distance on a daily basis, but try to do it.. it will achieve some results..

Good luck!!

Mythili