Where Has All The Empathy Gone??

In most homes the scenario is the same. Traditional thinking is the main culprit. Its woman's job to take care of house,kids, family and job too. All this creates chaos. Expecting help from husband, works sometimes otherwise one has to accept this baggage of lazy/unresponsive partner.. Later on blame game begins. Deep rooted chauvinism is difficult to remove.

My suggestion would be get a help/ baby sitter for few hours till you finish your work. Concentrate on your baby. Get some time for yourself. If possible, try doing meditation. It'll relax your mind. That's one of the way to keep sanity in tact.

Also since your having full time job, do cooking prep during weekends only and deep freeze it. This will reduce your stress considerably.

 

Upbringing, traditional mindset, deep rooted gender roles is the base problem for all this.

Earlier, when it was a joint family, there was a support system in place, everybody shared the load. Working moms ratio was lesser too, many men n women were ok to stick to their own gender roles.

Now in nuclear families, all of the expectations n roles has to be fulfilled by the partners alone. And men wants women to make money and women wants men to share the work load, so this traditional gender role is confused and is somewhere stuck between the old n the new era. Thus the cause of all this mixed miseries.

But ofcourse there are exceptions anywhere.

Don't try to be a super mom.
Let the house be messy, eat leftovers, order in, etc
Get help, like hire a maid, nanny part time or live in.
Take a 'me' time. It could be just an hour or a whole day. If you feel guilty about taking on a weekend, take a day off from work. Try monthly once.
Make sure there is a dad-child time, it helps in developing a bond, makes him feel more responsible, so make them go out together n u relax.
Weekly once, ask him to do your role and let him do all the work that you do, and that day you just come home, take the laptop n sit.

Basically many don't like to do the work, so expecting them to do without being told is a tough one. Maybe can try with years of practise.

If no amount of repeating 'not to criticise' nicely or with fight works, stop doing the work. One member posted that when her husband criticises she stops doing anything (like not even wash, cook or pick up a paper) and just says you do it as am doing such a bad job anyway. So you can try that, stop n show how the house will look when you don't lift a finger. It shows you are serious.

 

Because expectations for a good husband and father are way lower than for a good wife and mother. If you ask an Indian woman "Why is your husband is a good husband?" she will likely say "He takes care of me". When I heard it the first time, naive me thought it meant that he is always by her side, makes her breakfasts in bed, supports her, spoils her etc. What it actually meant is that he made money and supported her financially. And no, breakfast in bed or standing up for her wasn't required. What makes a good wife? She keeps the house clean, she takes care of the kids herself, she cooks delicious things, she is in good relationship with in laws and takes good care of them, she is beautiful, she is in a good shape, she can satisfy her husband in bed, she can impress husband's friends and neighbors and like a sweet bonus, she makes money. Same goes for being a good mother vs a good father. As a mother you are expected to take care of everything, sacrifice your career and interests for your kid. For a man - not so much. If he occasionally bathes and feeds his own child - he is already a good father. My husband is considered a wonderman because he left his job to be a stay home dad for our twins. I'm a considered a terrible mother and wife for not doing it. Would it be the same if our roles were reversed? Of course not
And in my opinion, working 12-hour shifts and making money on the job I truly love, advancing my skills and being surrounded by people was way easier than taking care of the whole house and raising children, doing the same routine things from day to day and have no one to talk to. I gladly supported my husband financially, it was the least I could do for him

 

OP, I have been wondering the same damn thing ! What kind of men are these that see their better half struggling, have no qualms warming the couch while the wife is on her toes all day ? What about bonding with their own child ?
The only solution I can think is women need to define their expectations to the men before getting married and set the ground rules early on in the marriage. A similar discussion needs to happen before they plan kids as well. What are the roles, what are the expectations? Also knock it into their heads that being a SAHM does not mean being a free maid . Even as a housewife it's important to have some time for yourself , pursuing a hobby, meeting your friends or just lying on the bed watching TV and the husband better support that. Self respect is important in any relationship, more so in a marriage.

 

OP, sorry to hear story. Many face the same situation. I think Indian men are trained by their mom and society that they are here to enjoy life and it is wife's responsibility to take care of baby . If I think rationally or if you look at nature for example at animals/birds, mothers take care of babies while their partner do something else.. So nature is a culprit here to some extent.

but men are not animals ( really) .. we have thinking power. If they open their eyes they can see how their spouse struggle but they dont do it .. !!! For some reason men like to live this way .. but if they live in US and marry a US women / women from foreign country they will do all household jobs(most likely) why? Because they know the out come ( I personally know men here who cooks for everyone in their family every day while wife is busy with kids). Indian men know that their wife will not leave married life for these kinds of reasons. They are over confident.. I guess.

So I teach my boy and girl the same. I teach them to do the chores the same way . My ds dont get any favour because he is a boy. Few step from my side. But I noticed that my dd do things voluntarily , but ds always need instructions.. Hope both will be in same page soon.

I came to see this article -Reason Why husbands Should Not 'Help' Their Wives
I wish every men think that way...

1)young moms like me some tips where we can be effective moms and retain our sanity as well ---- Focus on you.. completely ignore.. your life your comfort only after that think about dh (but we are trained in a different way.. so I dont know how much we succeed as we have empathy towards spouse)
2) how to make these men work without being told. -- NOT EASY.. Ask them to do it..That is the only solution..Modify the way you ask for help.. Add lot of love and respect . At least, act that way
3) how to stop them from criticizing us --- You need to make them realize there is a reaction for every actions if they dont listen. Always talk in a calm and cool way.. no arguments or heated discussions. Find ways to handle your dh.. See what works for you and dh as everyone is different. Use your brain . If thinking hiring help solve your issues, try that.

Men are visual-- Dont do many jobs when your dh is away. He may think you are sitting in home doing nothing. Do kitchen and other tasks including cleaning when he is there. Only then he realize how much time you are spending on these routine jobs , or how many utensils you have to wash everyday. When he is away enjoy your life with kid. Use it as me time as much as possible.

I have mentioned my experience and suggestions here. (Give Me Some Suggestions.). I dont what to repeat it here again.

My dh helps me if I ask for help. But take time.I stopped expecting anything voluntarily from my dh. .. do my job dont expect anything from anyone..But never yield to his demands on household jobs. I am the queen, I will listen to only me ( it includes when to clean my house). My kids know one sentence very well ' Go and ask your dad'' all the time...'.That way I direct that job to dh.

Recently I noticed that my dh started washing utensils without being asked !! That is honestly a surprise for me. Practice makes woman perfect .. By trail and error you will also learn how to handle your life.. Everything is a learning experience.. Good luck

 

One tip - don't try to do everything yourself . hire help for housework and cooking . If you are in India , you will get maids , if in US , try to find some one who supply home cooked food , I have a colleague who does this this , she gets couple if dishes for around $7 each.

If the food is taken are of , a lot if stress goes away and you can concentrate on the child and may be cook only for the kid.

Give specific tasks to you husband - vacuum, groceries and if you need him to take the child to park .. Let him know you need his help.


Once your child is little big , you can get back into cooking etc.

When we earn money , use it buy some facilities for yourself , I don't believe that after working full time ,you or your husband should again spend hours doing chores, outsource some , do some .

 

Isnt it obvious?

Fathers are not mothers. No one can replace a mother.

 

I saw many of my friends who are so close to their moms and are very detached from their dads due to the same reason. Because they take no part in the upbringing. No matter how much you provide to your daughters and sons unless you spend time with kids you won't get that bonding.

 

Dear Op
Your post reminds me of days when my first one was born. My husband was same and more horrible. He got all gnan from his mom and sis that wife shud handle everything. i was stressed exhausted and was dying.On top the daily criticisms.

One day i sat made a list of things that i shud do and things whixh i can avoid.
Taking care of baby and baby food was at top.
House cleaning and home cooking for hubby can be handled by payin money.
So i told hubby
I need to spend time with baby have quality time and peaceful life so am not gonna clean hire cleaners
And will cook alternate days. I want to pick baby in evening early and come home so told him have to be at work early so left the duty of dropping baby in morning to hubby.
So i wake up early get ready eat quick oats and go to work. Husband has no choice but to take the resoobsibility of feeding and getting baby ready in mroninh ans drop off day care.
I Start early in evening pick baby come home. Eat good snack and feed baby too.
Kept cookin alternate days or once in 3 days.
Cook food for baby feed and go bedroom like early.
This did make my life little relaxed

So make a list. Cut down on things whixh u can.
Order food from outside, hire cleaners no matter how small or big house is. U r working so u can spend extra money until ur kid becomes 3-4 yrs.

Yo