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Where Do You Stay While Visiting India?

Discussion in 'Home Decoration & Improvement' started by anivijay, Jan 10, 2020.

  1. anivijay

    anivijay Silver IL'ite

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    Sadhya, thanks for remembering me. Health is better now. much better.

    I understand this. I have come so far from them, emotionally. Earlier I used to tell everything to my mom and most of the things to my sisters. Now, I don't. I am not emotionally connected anymore. Reduced no of calls. Ofcourse, they don't care. They are busy in their world.

    Have this feeling of guilt sometimes. I've supported my mother emotionally all these years. Do I have to let her down, at this age? But may be its my imagination. They never mentioned that i supported them earlier or they are missing my support now.. But I have to somehow overcome this guilt.

    I accepted whatever happened. As you said, paid back my karmic debt. Allowing myself to heal from past wounds. I think I'll come out.

    Thanks for all your support.
     
    Last edited: Jan 14, 2020
  2. nakshatra1

    nakshatra1 Platinum IL'ite

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    Your situation is a difficult one.You have taken so much responsibility of the family , and they are where they are because of you today leading safe and secure life. But some people don't know meaning of acknowledgement or gratitude.
    But look at positive side, atleast your mother has someone to live with her.No one likes to live alone in old age and neither they should.You are highly blessed that your sister s there.So look at it that way and move on. You have taken emotional and financial responsibilities, she is taking emotional and physical responsibilties. Many son-in-laws feel uncomfortable to live in their MIL's house. On top of that, if they are asked to adjust they may get offended and want to leave,so your mom may be playing safe as she too is in vulnerable position. I feel your mother could have handled better by having a heart-to-heart discussion with you but I would advise to forgive her. And move on .You deserve to live your life.You have done everything for them, dedicated to them - it's true though sometimes people will take everything and forget . We should still do our duty to them and be satisfied in that in we did good for others.But if they hurt you too much, try to distance from them.

    Your relatives' suggestion is wrong and impractical.If instead of sister it was a brother, would they tell an elderly widowed woman she should live alone and not with her son,so her son and daughter can equal right to come and stay when they visit from abroad for few days?? Try to see the bigger picture - your mother's old age care and security is most important here.
     
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  3. anivijay

    anivijay Silver IL'ite

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    Thanks NeedtobeStrong. Don't think they'll miss me. But taking a break is good idea.
    Whatever you are saying is correct Mangali. I am happy that my sister is there to take care of my mom. Otherwise i cant sleep everyday.

    I realised they are living happily Together and i dont belong there. Eventhough its hurting i am working on. To let go.

    Gift part , sent mother money to get saree for xmas. Earlier i used to spend hours selecting saree, get them online, arrange gift wrapping, surprise delivery everything. that was not appreciated. So only sent money this year. Didnt even ask what she bought in that money. I did my duty , thats all. That I'll continue to do till the end.

    Others i gave up. Not able to meet their never ending demands.

    Actually tried to build a relationship with sister some time back. Didnt work. she was questioning, why all of a sudden I sent her messages and called her often.. After I heard that, I didnt call her anymore. Usually talk to her xmas/new year/her birthday/ her son's birthday/anniversary.

    As of now, having better relationship with 2nd sister.

    Important thing happend this year is, I presented myself a nice saree for xmas. Usually I have this mental barrier. If I dont buy saree for my sisters and my mom, I could not buy one for myself. And generally I would expect them to get me one saree, that never happened. I worked on that part this year.. I asked my colleague visited india to get a nice saree for me and made sure I wore that on Xmas day. As expected, 2nd sister complimented i looked beautiful. Mom and first sister kept quiet. It's an important mile stone for me. Its how its going to be in future. It's me first. All these years I put them in front. hereafter its me.
     
  4. nakshatra1

    nakshatra1 Platinum IL'ite

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    well done!
     
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  5. anivijay

    anivijay Silver IL'ite

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    Thanks for the reply Nakshatra. I don't think I am the reason that they are in safe position. Its my mother. Her hardwork and bravery that kept us going when we lost our father. I gave her
    moral support, thats it. Not much financial support. That was not required. Because we were financially stable.

    The help I provided for her is to tell her in indirect ways that she was not alone. I am with her. I used to share a little bit in major expenses , so that she won't feel she is alone. But major part
    she only spent.

    The option given my relatives to let sister live seperately , it was told 12 years ago when she was not this old. That time, my 2nd sister was unmarried. This sister and husband staying
    with mom created lots of trouble that time. 2nd sister was facing all these issues( lack of privacy) that I am facing today.



    My concern is, mother should have realised that if I visit India, I have no other space other than her home. She could have built another spare room. Thats all. Keeping me in mind as well.
    I know her financial status. Its not a big deal for her. Earlier she was telling sister was pregnant, she cant live in dust. then sister has new born baby , she cant . Now dont want to hurt BIL.
    Its all conveying me, I am nothing to them.

    I have no other choice now, as others said I can not go now. Now they'll start I dont care about aging mother. If I stay in hotel, i know what they'll say. I dont adjust. I am showing attitude that I am NRI. I forgot the past. I became rich, staying in
    our old house is humiliating me.

    But the fact is, I love our house more than any other palace in the world. Its where our family lived for 5 generations. I have my memories in every inch of the house. I felt the warmth the house itself
    giving me when I lay down in its red oxide floors.

    Sometimes, when I sleep in our house , I go to deep sleep. I forget everything. My age, my work, my husband, children. When I woke up, it would be like I was 5 or 6 years old. it takes some time to come back into reality. That never happened anywhere else.
    only in that house.

    My pain is not my sister living there. I am happy. I understand the problems my mother would face if she lives alone. Even if she gets a chest pain, no one there to take her to hospital. I am happy sister is living with her. they are supporting each other.
    My pain is I dont have space there anymore. But I'll overcome it.

    thanks again
     
    Last edited: Jan 14, 2020
  6. DXBDesi

    DXBDesi Silver IL'ite

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    Extremely interesting thread touching on number of relationships and issues. When one or both parents appear to support one sibling vs another, its normal for the latter to feel aggrieved. Sometimes just a bit of verbal reassurance is all it takes (in OP's case if mom showed she was sympathetic maybe OP would have felt better). But sometimes parents do not want to say that extra few sentences
     
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  7. DXBDesi

    DXBDesi Silver IL'ite

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    Maybe she realizes but it becomes ego issue to not accept ones fault. There are parents who want best for their kids, but when they make mistakes, they never admit or go back on their mistakes, because they are scared of appearing "weak".

    Of course this should not be the case in parent-child relationships, but happens more frequently than you think
     
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  8. anivijay

    anivijay Silver IL'ite

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    thats true DXBDesi. May be its her ego. Another thing I noticed. She sacrificed her entire life for us. she never enjoyed anything. she wont even buy a saree for herself. She wont even eat a sweet given to her. she is a good mother . But the way she treated each of us is different. I am like her companion, who share her burden, her protector, who is expected to do sacrifices for her other children just like her, other 2 are still young kids who needs her care and protection. she would never understand the difference. she would say she treated each of us same.
     
    Last edited: Jan 14, 2020
  9. Laks09

    Laks09 Staff Member Finest Post Winner

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    Ani,
    How long have you been married for? Over a decade I assume. Your place is your home that you made with your husband. You should put your spouse and kids in your first circle. The second circle is for Mom and sisters. I understand you share a deep bond because of your Dad's untimely demise but all that is in the past. All of your issues are because for you, your mom and siblings are in that first circle. In all these years, you haven't reorganized your circles. Your children are going to be in your first circle only until they have families of their own. You should cherish this time with your husband and kids.

    Why don't you think in those terms? Why this saree buying(you've mentioned it in multiple threads) issues? You need to revisit your priorities and your finances. With a teen daughter, you need to start planning for her financial future. Plan your finances, organize it into buckets, keep one for parents and sibling. Give it to them in whatever form or fashion and don't expect anything in return. Don't take anything outside of that budget for other reasons other than for true emergencies. As an older sibling, growing up without dad, you probably were made to share everything equally with your sisters. Right now, you are all adults. You don't need to buy everything in triplicate.

    Btw, regardless of if it is a daughter, son, sibling or in-law, if your overdo, it doesn't mean they will reciprocate. They will assume that you have that much surplus and are giving them. According to them, someone living and working abroad for so long is doing this with their extra money. They are all in India and need not reciprocate in kind. I have had similar experiences, not with my FOO but with others. I've decided that there is a limit to what we do. @Shanvy once shared a Tamil saying, even if you are pouring water into the river, there should be a measure of how much(don't know the exact words). When you overdo, you lose your value. Even if you are a millionaire, you should give with some sort of restraint.

    Regarding travel, both parents live 3 hrs away from the nearest airport. I've gone alone in a cab with little kid, big kid and baby, teen and little one and stayed in the airport hotel to take a 2 AM flight. I have close family there but its a big hassle waking up at midnight, going to the airport, seeing the travelers off and then coming back, sleeping and having a regular day next day. It is a big deal if it is a yearly routine, landing and taking off. Airport hotels are full of travelers like that and they organize cabs, sandwiches/idlis to go for the first flight, wake up service and a smooth ride to the airport.
     
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  10. DDream

    DDream Finest Post Winner

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    OP, I think you have lot of negative thoughts towards your mom and more towards your sister. I can sense sibling rivalry kind of situation even if you dont admit. Its deep.

    The main reason is expectations (even if its happiness of small things). So stop that. Detach emotionally from them. They may be thinking that you have everything as you are in USA and don't need their gifts. I think you are worrying so much for small things. Go for a bigger picture.

    Try to reduce the number of days you stay with your mom, like a few days to maximum one week. During your visit, gift her some thing (take your mom with you and buy her something from India, do a day out with her) and not much to others ( dont yield to their demands). Just be happy for her. Do your duty and rest is not in your hands. Be happy that your sister is there to take care of your mother. Its a great blessing.

    When in India, you can take your mom with you every day to visit relatives or other activities. If so, you can spend time with her and do whatever you want. Just go back to home for sleep.

    You need to realize that after marriage equations change. You have to accept it. Your sister has her own family and proprieties. Your mom is giving preference to her because she stays with her. If she don't have any problem with your sister why to bother about it.

    Its not the case with you, I am sure almost all of the ILites here , might have faced the change in family dynamics after marriage (The maternal home will be occupied by brother or family if they stay with parents, you will always be outsider after marriage. In this case , your sister is living there) . Its not easy to accept. But its the way life is. We need to accept it with maturity. Its a part of growing up.

    All our friends or siblings has there own obligations and priories. They may not treat us the way when we all were single or living with them. If they spend even an hour with us when we go there, its a great blessing. Count it that way.

    "Usually talk to her xmas/new year/her birthday/ her son's birthday/anniversary" -its like very formal. So you get the same back.
    "She could have built another spare room"- if there is love, you can adjust very well. What you need is a floor floor to lie down and roof over your heads. Its a matter of a few days. Adjust.

    If you are comfortable with your PILs, stay there for long. If you want to stay in hotel, find a travel destination and hotel there, it should be away from your home town.

    You need to change your way of looking at this situation. If this is the way you continue you will never get peace of mind. Be happy for them, do your duty as a daughter and sister. Rest is not in your hands.

    Another option - instead of going to India every year, make it every two years. One in every two years you can plan some vacation in other countries( for example Europe or your choice), it less expensive than your trip to India.

    Stop worrying, try to think on how to make your trip happy. Explore that options. Instead of thinking what is not there ( your maternal family and home is just a part of it, you have so much to explore there), try to think what is there and enjoy it. You need a positive attitude and mindset.

    I feel that everyone should practice attachment with some detachment. You faced these issues with your sisters, you can face the same with your kids and their family in future too.

    Discuss with your spouse, live your life and focus on your family. Your center of universe should be your family. It should be your priority, rest can wait.

    Happy vacation.
     
    Last edited: Jan 14, 2020

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