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Where Do You Stay While Visiting India?

Discussion in 'Home Decoration & Improvement' started by anivijay, Jan 10, 2020.

  1. Needtobestrong

    Needtobestrong Gold IL'ite

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    I saw your previous threads to get better idea of the situation...really I’m shocked and felt bad after reading how you are treated by your own mother and sisters and their families in spite of doing so much for them...in my opinion you should do your duties towards your mother, like some minimum financial supports and occasional visit, but dont get too much involved with your family or origin as they’re taking you for granted...all are well settled and capable of looking after themselves...
    Your mother should have stayed in a one or two BHK flat close to your sisters family...then you would have had the freedom to stay with your mom at her home and sleep in the spare bedroom...
    No need to go out of the way for gifts..minimum token gifts for each person will do..
    They are not appreciating or respecting you...and the money spent on India trips including flight, stay and gifts etc would better be saved for the educational expenses of your kids...
     
    Thyagarajan, anivijay and Topaz49 like this.
  2. Topaz49

    Topaz49 Gold IL'ite

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    As OP put it, bitter truth is better than sweet coated lies.

    We tend to use quick and largely unconscious rules-of-thumb to determine what we should believe—and these shortcuts sometimes steer us to believe what we read.

    Whether we like it or not, all of us can be powerfully swayed by emotions. We'd like to think that our feelings are driven by logic and reason. Unfortunately, this relationship is often reversed. Sometimes we end up using our reasoning ability to justify or defend a conclusion that we’ve already drawn based on our emotions. Once we have a belief, we tend to cling to it.
     
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  3. Emarald

    Emarald Silver IL'ite

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    Op why your sister and her husband are living in your mothers house?
     
  4. anivijay

    anivijay Silver IL'ite

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    Sister is working in same city where mother lives. Her husband was abroad when they got married.so she stayed with mom. He came for good after a year. Mother didn't ask them to move and they stayed because it's good for them. They just pay electricity bill and buy nonveg. Rest everything taken care by mother including their laundry bill. Mother takes care of her son. They are staying in best room available.
    I think mom thought Bil would take good care of her because he is mom's nephew. Now she is fully under their control.

    Even they didn't let mom to visit me. She was allowed only when they were all coming.
     
    Last edited: Jan 14, 2020
    Thyagarajan likes this.
  5. mangaii

    mangaii Platinum IL'ite

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    You seem to be really angry against your family members. The best bet would be to not take a trip for a year or two and give break for everyone involved. Your mom and your sister have better bond and relationship and you need to understand that they are happy with each other. You have preconceived notion about this relationship. Nothing will change even if they are good. You need to start appreciating small things they do for you. Otherwise you will only feel miserable. I also see they also expect a lot from you. By going there every year or inviting them to your house there is no improvement in this relationship. You all need break from each other. Just focus on other things like going for a cruise. I'm sure your daughter will also enjoy the different experience. Worst case take time off from work just do simple things with kids and enjoy life. Just see how you can heal from your past trips before taking future trips.
     
    Laks09, Thyagarajan, sindmani and 2 others like this.
  6. anivijay

    anivijay Silver IL'ite

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    I am not angry at them Mangali. Its just sadness that i am not included thats all. I question myself what wrong I did that I dont deserve my mother's love.

    But now a days really distanced myself. Used to talk to my mom everyday for atleast one hour. Now a days i call her once or twice a week for 2 or 3 mins. Just asking how are you? I Dont interfere in anything. Not going this year.. Telling myself whatever it is she gave me education and got me married. Thanking her when i get my salary every month. Dont know what else to do.
     
    Thyagarajan likes this.
  7. mangaii

    mangaii Platinum IL'ite

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    I understand your feelings. Long distance relationship are hard. From your mother perspective she is dependent on your sister for her medical needs. When old age hits we all will become dependent on someone. I. It is also good she is living with your sister and taking care of her kid. Other wise they go into depression. How the household is run who occupies which room should be your least concern. By God's grace you are having a good family life. Just focus on that. Your mother cannot take your side at this time in her life. That is reality. Your BIL or Sister may not be best people but do you know how old age single women are getting abused in India. It is a harsh reality. You should thank your stars someone is living with her. Can you live with fear of your mom living alone and complaining about illness with nobody to take care of her. You should clarify with your sister that it is better she stays with your mom. Your daughter will soon leave your home for college. That time we will feel very lonely.
    Just rebuild relationship with sister. Ignore her negative traits. You can send some gifts for them You are in better position when compared to your family. try to be take a different approach. I had a rough patch with my sister but later I realized she is my sister and she will stand by me in my bad or good phase. So why spoil relationship with her. I put some effort and removed some negativity from my head. Sometimes when we do things without expectation it makes life so much easier. I would say call your sister and start building relationship with her. Before that prepare yourself mentally. Also inform mom that you want her to be happy and if she wants to live with her sister you should just encourage her.
     
    Amica, peartree, deepthyanoop and 7 others like this.
  8. hermitcrab

    hermitcrab Platinum IL'ite

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    exactly what I was thinking, and going to write.
    every word is true.
     
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  9. 1Sandhya

    1Sandhya Platinum IL'ite

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    OP Ok I read the other replies and now I remember you! I think we had an extended exchange last year also. How is your health now? Hope all is well.
    I agree with @mangaii that you should take a clean break from this birth family situation. It seems like there are lot of expectations and it's become very toxic. If needed, just clear your mind and heart by writing down all that is in your heart that you want to say to them or would like to tell them. Then keep it aside and turn the page.
    In one of your replies you listed few things you are doing and asked what else can I do? Well OP, birth family is only one phase of the life journey. You fully lived and spent those years among those people and experienced what was there to experience. Now it is time for next phase. So turn the page, and be with your present family totally. Now look at the innocent faces of your kids and at your h who have chosen to be with you. Honor their choice to choose you and live with them and for them totally. Do you think your kids dont pick up on your sadness and gloom? Explore and live this life with your kids as they are growing and with your h fully. As mentioned by others, even these children will soon be grown and out the door on their life adventure. So grab this moment and enjoy this time to the fullest. And in this way I hope you will find some peace.

    Nothing is forever OP. Just accept that everything happens for a reason and for our own good. Whatever the different aspects of the current situation just accept (blindly perhaps) that there is some truth, (perhaps, at present hidden from you) which makes each of those aspects, and this whole situation right, logical and fair. Just accept it as God's will. And let it go. It is very very painful to be excluded when you see people sharing love and togetherness amongst each other of which you crave a share, I agree, but if its not to be its not to be. It cant be forced, OP. A relationship requires feelings from both sides to maintain. You cant force it one sided. So leave it. Whatever you did for Mom and sisters think of it as some debt you had to clear with them. (I mean in the sense of Karmic debt). The work you did was more than sufficient so now they are letting you go free, so take your chance. Live your life.
     
    Last edited: Jan 14, 2020
  10. Needtobestrong

    Needtobestrong Gold IL'ite

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    @mangaii
    Appreciate your perspective too..there are different points of view in a situation we need to relax our expectations towards others and take life as it comes...also familiarity breeds contempt so the idea of taking a break is good....OP's family members need to miss her and want to see her. Then they would appreciate her more and the India visit would be a happy one...
     
    anivijay likes this.

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