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Where Do You Stay While Visiting India?

Discussion in 'Home Decoration & Improvement' started by anivijay, Jan 10, 2020.

  1. ashneys

    ashneys Platinum IL'ite

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    If this was the case, I would personally stop going there every year and use that time, effort n money to take beautiful vacations with my family and cover different locations every year.

    I would be thinking twice to invest in any properties next to them as well. Instead will opt for hotel / Airbnb whenever visiting.
     
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  2. anivijay

    anivijay Silver IL'ite

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    Thanks for all your inputs and apologies I could not respond earlier.

    I realise i should not go too often. But love my city, my street, my people ( not just relatives and friends, but anyone living in our locality. I have seen my heart filled with joy just by seeing some random picture taken in city), its food. I know I am an emotional idiot... Still dont have strong ties where I live..

    Mother is aged. She is in 70 now. Not in great health. Dont know how many years left.

    Another reason is chidren. They just love to spend time with their cousins and aunts and uncles. I gave them option to visit USA(never visited earlier) or India. Obviously choice is India. Their preference is not sightseeing but spend time with family. They dont understand family dynamics.

    Every year we stay in Bil's house for a day in chennai and fly from there. I had excellent relationship with that cosister. But this time she informed me , they were leaving to hometown on that specific day( I informed 2 months before i am visiting that day. Booked my tickets after she confirmed its ok). Sounds odd , i had no other choice. So I stayed in hotel for a day with kids( husband didnt come). Kids are thinking I am the reason they couldn't play with cousin as usual. I understood they have some issues/ discomfort in our visits. So decided to stay in hotel hereafter. But kids are thinking i am to be blamed. They are not convinced at the idea of staying in hotels..

    Thats why all these dilemmas.

    In my home town, if i stay in hotel not sure how it would be taken by parents.

    Sister who is living with mother is saying that she is going to leave mother because I was moody last trip. Dont understand.. She didnt even lift her finger to make us feel comfortable. But now telling that she is leaving because of me. Tired of all these dramas.

    Thats why i thought if I have my own place i can put a full stop for all these.

    But whatever u r saying is correct.

    So decided I am not going this year. Husband may want to visit as its been 2 years since he visited his parents. Let him go , may be with kids but not me . if he has to manage kids he would realise real problems.

    But long term solution would be me get rid of this emotional attachment and visit less often and make trips shorter..

    Thanks for all your replies. They make perfect sense.
     
  3. Topaz49

    Topaz49 Gold IL'ite

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    You are not an emotional idiot... You are a softy.

    If there’s one thing we all have in common, it’s that we want to feel happy; and on the other side of that coin, we want to avoid hurting. Yet we consistently put ourselves in situations that set us up for pain.

    We pin our happiness to people, circumstances, and things and hold onto them for dear life. We stress about the possibility of losing them when something seems amiss. Then we melt into grief when something changes.

    We attach to feelings as if they define us, and ironically, not just positive ones. If you’ve wallowed in regret or disappointment for years, it can seem safe and even comforting to suffer.

    In trying to hold on to what’s familiar, we limit our ability to experience joy in the present. A moment can’t possibly radiate fully when you’re holding on to the past.

    When you stop trying to grasp, own, and control the world around you, you give it the freedom to fulfill you without the power to destroy you. That’s why letting go is so important— letting go is letting happiness in.

    It’s no simple undertaking to let go of attachment—not a one-time decision, like pulling off a band-aid. Instead, it’s a day-to-day, moment-to-moment commitment that involves changing the way you experience and interact with everything you instinctively want to grasp.

    The below is an excerpt from "Zen life". It may look like this is for a saint; but, there is plenty here that makes sense. It is applicable to most of us to overcome attachments.

    Experiencing Without Attachment

    Accept the moment for what it is.
    Don’t try to turn it into yesterday; that moment’s gone. Don’t plot about how you can make the moment last forever. Just seep into the moment and enjoy it, because it will eventually pass. Nothing is permanent. Fighting that reality will only cause you pain.

    Believe now is enough.
    It’s true—tomorrow may not look the same as today, no matter how much you try to control it. A relationship might end. You might have to move. You’ll deal with those moments when they come. All you need right now is to appreciate and enjoy what you have. It’s enough.

    Call yourself out.
    Learn what it looks like to grasp at people, things, or circumstances so you can redirect your thoughts when they veer toward attachment—when you dwell on keeping, controlling, manipulating, or losing something instead of simply experiencing it.

    Define yourself in fluid terms.
    We are all constantly evolving and growing. Define yourself in terms that can withstand change. Defining yourself by possessions, roles, and relationships breeds attachment, because loss entails losing not just what you have, but also who you are.

    Enjoy now fully.
    No matter how much time you have in an experience or with someone you love, it will never feel like enough. So don’t think about it in terms of quantity; aim for quality instead. Attach to the idea of living well from moment to moment. That’s an attachment that can do you no harm.

    Letting Go of Attachment to People

    Friend yourself.
    It will be harder to let people go when necessary if you depend on them for your sense of worth. Believe you’re worthy whether someone else tells you or not. This way, you relate to people, not just how they make you feel about yourself.

    Go it alone sometimes.
    Take time to foster your own interests, ones that nothing and no one can take away. Don’t let them hinge on anyone or anything other than your values and passion.

    Hold lightly.
    This one isn’t just about releasing attachments; it’s also about maintaining healthy. Contrary to romantic notions, you are not someone’s; you’re separate and whole. You can still hold someone to close to your heart; just remember, if you squeeze too tightly, you’ll both be suffocated.

    Interact with lots of people.
    If you limit yourself to one or two relationships, they will seem like your lifelines. Everyone needs people, and there are billions on the planet. Stay open to new connections. Accept the possibility your future involves a lot of love whether you cling to a select few people or not.

    Justify less.
    I can’t let go—I’ll be miserable. These thoughts reinforce beliefs that are not fact, even if they feel like it. The only way to let go and feel less pain is to believe you’re strong enough to carry on if and when things change.

    Letting Go of Attachment to the Past

    Know you can’t change the past.
    Even if you think about over and over again. Even if you punish yourself. Even if you refuse to accept it. It’s done. The only way to relieve your pain about what happened is to give yourself relief. No one and nothing else can create peace in your head for you.

    Love instead of fearing.
    When you hold onto the past, it often has to do with fear—fear you messed up your chance at happiness, or fear you’ll never know such happiness again. Focus on what you love and you’ll create happiness instead of worrying about it.

    Make now count.
    Instead of thinking of what you did or didn’t do, the type of person you were or weren’t, do something worthwhile now. Be someone worthwhile now. Make today so full and meaningful there’s no room to dwell on yesterday.

    Narrate calmly.
    How we experience the world is largely a result of how we internalize it. Instead of telling yourself dramatic stories about the past—how hurt you were or how hard it was—challenge your emotions and focus on lessons learned. That’s all you really need from yesterday.

    Open your mind.
    We often cling to things, situations, or people because we’re comfortable with them. We know how they’ll make us feel, whether it’s happy or safe. Consider that new things, situations, and people may affect you the same. The only way to find out is to let go of what’s come and gone.

    Letting Go of Attachment to Outcomes

    Practice letting things be.
    That doesn’t mean you can’t actively work to create a different tomorrow. It just means you make peace with the moment as it is, without worrying that something’s wrong with you or your life, and then operate from a place of acceptance.

    Question your attachment.
    If you’re attached to a specific outcome—let us say a perfect relationship—you may be indulging an illusion about some day when everything will be lined up for happiness. No moment will ever be worthier of your joy than now because that’s all there ever is.

    Release the need to know.
    Life entails uncertainty, no matter how strong your intention. Obsessing about tomorrow wastes your life because there will always be a tomorrow on the horizon. There are no guarantees about how it will play out. Just know it hinges on how well you live today.

    Serve your purpose now.
    You don’t need to have x-amount of money in the bank to live a meaningful life right now. Figure out what matters to you, and fill pockets of time indulging it. Whatever you love, do it. Don’t wait—do it now.

    Teach others.
    It’s human nature to hope for things in the future. Even the most enlightened people fall into the habit from time to time. Remind yourself to stay open to possibilities by sharing the idea with other people. Blog about it. Talk about it. Tweet about it. Opening up helps keep you open.

    Letting Go of Attachment to Feelings

    Understand that pain is unavoidable.
    No matter how well you do everything on this list, or on your own short list for peace, you will lose things that matter and feel some level of pain. But it doesn’t have to be as bad as you think. As the saying goes, pain is inevitable, suffering is optional.

    Vocalize your feelings.
    Feel them, acknowledge them, express them, and then let them naturally transform. Even if you want to dwell in anger, sadness, or frustration—especially if you feel like dwelling—save yourself the pain and commit to working through them.

    Write it down.
    Then toss it out. You won’t always have the opportunity to express your feelings to the people who inspired them. That doesn’t mean you need to swallow them. Write in a journal. Write a letter and burn it. Anything that helps you let go.

    Xie Xie.
    It means thank you in Chinese. Fully embrace your happy moments—love with abandon; be so passionate it’s contagious. If a darker moment follows, remember: It will teach you something, and soon enough you’ll be in another happy moment to appreciate. Everything is cyclical.

    Yield to peace.
    The ultimate desire is to feel happy and peaceful. Even if you think you want to stay angry, what you really want is to be at peace with what happened or will happen. It takes a conscious choice. Make it.

    Experience, appreciate, enjoy, and let go to welcome another experience.

    It won’t always be easy. Sometimes you’ll feel compelled to attach yourself physically and mentally to people and ideas—as if it gives you some sense of control or security. You may even strongly believe you’ll be happy if you struggle to hold onto what you have. That’s okay. It’s human nature.

    Just know you have the power to choose from moment to moment how you experience things you enjoy: with a sense of ownership, anxiety, and fear, or with a sense of freedom, peace, and love.

    Wise Decision!
     
    Last edited: Jan 12, 2020
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  4. 1Sandhya

    1Sandhya Platinum IL'ite

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    Well all the options you mentioned in your initial post wouldnt have taken care of this very real problem which you have detailed here. And as for your proposed 'long term solution' of getting rid of the emotional attachment, good luck! :) ye dil hai ki manta nahin!

    Look OP, people who leave country develop these soft feelings about family, old neighbourhood, familiar faces etc. The ones we left behind dont get it or are unaware of it. All said and done, you have all the rights to visit your mom who is old. To fix this issue, talk to your mom frankly. Tell her you want to come see her but you feel like a stranger in her house. Communicate the difficulties you detailed here. share that you are thinking of hotel for next time but kids want to be with cousins and are dead against it. Express you dont know what to do and ask her for suggestions. By doing this you will have communicated your feeling to your sis indirectly but in a non confrontational way as you are telling mom. She and your sis may not even be aware you felt all this when you visited. Mom may give some suggestions or tell sis to adjust for those few days that you are there. Whatever be the case this will open a channel of communication between you and them and hopefully help solve the issue. And when you do them next time work on making your bond with sis stronger. I think overall you (and kids) will be happier if this issue is solved than by staying in a hotel.
     
  5. MalStrom

    MalStrom Platinum IL'ite

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    OP, did you post about your family coming to visit you in U.K. and how it became an awkward situation? My apologies if I have confused you with someone else.
     
  6. Rihana

    Rihana Finest Post Winner

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    Does it also help your mother to have your sister's family stay with her? If there is only one bedroom, it is understandable that they are unable to comfortably host you and your kids.
    This happens in many families as the children grow older. When you and your kids are visiting your mother's house, it is like 3 more people in an already small house. If you felt it tough to sleep and change clothes, they also must have felt similar inconvenience.

    3-4 weeks each year is a long stay. When we NRI's land, we usually have huge suitcases and carry-on bags, we do a lot of shopping in India and those bags keep piling up. The routine of the household gets disrupted. As the household's children enter higher grades, it becomes harder for the parents to host guests for long periods.
    Why not give her the benefit of doubt? Things can change in 2 months. Maybe the visit to hometown needed to happen then and could not be postponed.
    Kids will blame parents for something or the other. It is part of the growing-up script. All these are learning experiences for them too.

    Earlier you wrote "my mother and in-laws didnt show any interest to accomodate us. " and here "<Sister> She didnt even lift her finger to make us feel comfortable. " Somehow it comes across as if you expect your kids and you to be treated like guests and your mother/sister should make extra effort to make you feel comfortable. Think about it: 3-4 weeks each year their routine gets upended. This could cause strife in any household. As our parent(s) get older, the child living with them becomes in-charge of the house. Only few people have big enough houses where the room of the NRI child is kept empty and ready for him/her to use during visits.

    That actually presents one more solution - you make solo visits. Make spending time with your mother the main focus of your visit. Even 10 days of such a trip will give your more quality time with your mother than 3-4 weeks trip with kids. Kids will complain for a while, but you can explain to them.
     
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  7. anivijay

    anivijay Silver IL'ite

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    Thanks for the reply Rihana.


    Yes, my sister living with my mother makes both of their life easier. My mom takes care of my nephew and sis takes care of my mom when needs. I totally agree and I recognize she has more right in the house than me.

    Little background.

    we were 3 daughters and we lost our father very young. so most of the times, its women's place. My husband rarely comes. so mom, me , sisters, kids when we visit. our house is like train compartments. no side rooms. just 6 rooms aligned together. Last room is bedroom, which has access to bathroom. If you come out of bathroom, you have to change dress(especially saree) in that room. because other rooms doesnt have privacy. anyone can come in both directions. There is one room in upstairs with a toilet outside.

    Earlier, sister and husband uses the room in upstairs. Sister would come down for dressing, taking bath etc. Not a trouble that time. Then she got pregnant and they occupied the bedroom in downstairs. Even if you have to use toilet, how can you knock the door occupied by couple? somehow we adjusted during our visits, because bil was working out of town and only visits during weekends.

    This year, god knows he didnt go to work most of the times. He stayed in that last bedroom. We were given the room upstairs that was filled with teak wood they cut from our garden and given to sister so that she can make a cot. I asked my mom , can sister and family occupy upstairs during our stay? Mom said, its filled with timber. sisters 2 year old son may not feel comfortable there. She forgot that I also have wheezing problem. Then I asked, can bil alone use the upstair room? If he goes upstairs, we can all use last bedroom. even night times is not a problem. its day time, when you need to take bath, change dress etc. My mom and sister didnt care and didnt ask him. So, every day I had to take bath in toilet , which doesnt designed for that. No hot water nothing. Felt very uncomfortable, now I have a teenage daughter as well and she also faces the same problem. I felt like a second class citizen.

    Earlier, they would give just one double matteress, kids would sleep on that. I had to sleep on floor with just some mat. Morning when I get up, there would be severe pain in my back. Every day I would be scared to go to sleep in floor. If I tell them, they would say this is how you grown up. Dont forget the past. Where as, they would be sleeping in cots with mattresses.

    During their visit to my home, I gave them each a mattress( I saved some for them for long time). So, this visit, I found one extra mattress for me. Sister told after coming to our house only she realised whatever I told was true. They generally think I am exaggerating things.

    We have huge open space in first floor. Its not like my mother doesnt have enough money to build one more bedroom. Every year they would tell, next year when you come , we would build a bedroom for you. But not happening. Problem is, BIL is a civil engineer. So, if mom gives building contract outside, sister and he would feel bad. If she gives it to him, instead of 5L, he would make her pay 10L. So, mom decided not to build anything at all. Its after all me, who is going to suffer.

    I am ok with all these. I know, it has become my sisters home. I dont have equal right there as my brother-in-law. they are deciding authorities there. But I got mad, when sister says She is going to leave the house, because I was moody in my last trip.

    She feels our house is not modern. Her son is also 3 now, started schooling. She doesn't need my mom's support anymore. So she is planning to buy a new house ( i am happy for her) and move to new house. But people would blame her, to enjoy all these years and leave my mother alone at her old age. That's why she is creating a scene, its me who chased her away from home just for staying in my house for 3 weeks and left my mother alone. Already, everyone is saying she is the innocent one and I am the evil. Thats what intolerable for me. Its me and my children adjusted with whatever given to us and they didn't do any adjustments.

    when they visited us , my children gave up their bedroom for them and slept in living room recliner for a whole month. But they didnt do any adjustments, and telling that she is leaving because of me? I didnt tell her anything about how I felt.

    And my mother knows everything. And she chose to keep quiet.

    Coming to my in-law's side.
    Me and cosister had wonderful relationship. We share everything. I call her 3,4 times a week and talk for hours. she was like a sister to me. I feel comfortable visiting her house with husband or alone. But my father and mother in law, dont like this relationship we had. They were threatening bil for quite some time, If cosister talks to me , they wont get their share in property. I think they listened finally. I totally understand, who would give up 1 crore worth of properties just for the sake of talking to cosister..

    This year I was planning to visit her around 12pm, do some shopping and leave for our 1am flight. 8 , 9 hours of stay. she called 4,5 days before my travel and said they were planning to visit hometown. I asked them to go ahead and told her I would stay in my friends house. I gave her benefit of doubt, thought she got some urgent work she cannot postpone. otherwise, they wont do this for us when I am travelling alone with a teen age daughter. We dont know anyone else in chennai. usually its bil who comes to airport to drop us. I didnt want to make them feel bad. So, I said I am going to my friends house but actually I stayed in a hotel. To be frank, I was scared to stay for first time without husband with a teenage girl in this time. But had no other choice.

    After we reached home, I came to know indeed they were in chennai on that day. They left next day to hometown. They told mother in law , they postponed their travel for me . But I refused to visit them. Actually I didnt receive any info about them postpoing.

    Now, we are getting information from other BIL, that my in-laws are transferring their home to this BIL's name. And they are going to build 2,3 houses there. Parents-in-law would stay in one house and rent out remaining houses. Both PILs and this BIL/Cosister have not even mentioned about this plan.

    I think after this, it would be difficult for husband also to go and stay in BIL's home. All these years, its his parents house. Not anymore.

    These all happening at same time. It just makes me think about future. We don't want to disturb anyone..

    As you said, we go with 4 big suitcases.. their regular life would be affected. I generally eat outside as much as possible . Never asked them to cook anything special for me /demand anything. Eat whatever they cook. Dinner would be mostly outside. Take them out for dinner as well when possible. Help them as much I can. But I understand , it would be difficult for them.

    We have this guilty of not taking care of parents/ not with them . Every year when my flight departs, I pray to God, I am handing over my mother in your hands. She has to be alive and in good health when I land here next time. I think you get what I mean..

    Because of that feeling we both had, we ended up visiting there every year. you all know, how much it costs. money and effort. Last time it was 22 hours flight for me..

    But time goes on. people move on. Even Parents. I guess for my mother its not a joy that her daughter is visiting. but discomfort oh , again she is coming.. she is going to disturb my regular life..I dont want her to feel like that. Generally she wont ask when I am coming next time or asking me to come for summer holidays. Its me, who announces that I am arriving. Sometimes felt bad..

    I understand..

    I am grateful that my sister is living with my mom. I told her also, because of that I could sleep peacefully in night. otherwise I would be worried whether my mom is safe or not.

    I think all women lose their maternal home one day in their life. Generally it would be cause of their SILs who married their brothers and inherited the house or they sell parental house after parents time. But till their mother/father lives , that would be their home and they have all right to visit. I am bit different, I lost my maternal home when my mother is alive. But its ok , as long as she is safe and happy with her other children, its fine. I should learn to step back.


    Thanks Rihana. I think I posted in wrong thread. Should be in relationships forum. But when I started the thread didnt think this way. I was seriously thinking whether to build house/ buy flat..

    Thanks for all your replies.
     
    Last edited: Jan 13, 2020
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  8. Needtobestrong

    Needtobestrong Gold IL'ite

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    Hi, I think this thread was better suited for relationships forum...
    See I think you have got your answer from your own observations and other replies...
    Do not make the mistake of buying flats here for your stay unless you really want to come back to India and settle here in future...if u do buy a flat rent it out do not keep it vacant for eleven months a year and just use for a month...it’s very tough to clean and maintain...and surely it will used by relatives and in in-laws...they would convince your husband to leave a set of spare keys with them and enjoy the benefits of staying there and you would still be a guest whenever you visit your own flat...better thing is to look for economically costing hotels or service apartments when you visit India with family..else visit alone leaving kids with husband...else stay only a week and travel to other places...from your posts looks like your family of origin and in laws family both do not make much efforts to accomodate you...there is space crunch...family politics...it’s try that their routine is also disturbed by your visits...so better to keep visits short when staying at their place else stay elsewhere...you can give reason as having back pain, need to rest etc...
    Pls excuse me if I’m talking negative...but looks like you’re not so much welcome there..
    It’s better if you overcome the longing to spend so much time in India and make IndiA vacations short and less frequent...
     
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  9. anivijay

    anivijay Silver IL'ite

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    Thanks for this Topaz. I really need this. Going through them very slowly and trying to understand. Think I need to read every day.. thanks so much.
     
  10. anivijay

    anivijay Silver IL'ite

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    Thanks Needtobestrong.

    Yes. I got the answer. No, you are not talking negative. It's bitter truth, I need to swallow. I believe bitter truth is better than sweet coated lies.

    Thanks again
     
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