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Where did love disappear?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by ankita_chitnis, Aug 18, 2005.

  1. ankita_chitnis

    ankita_chitnis Bronze IL'ite

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    Its strange..but happens in every marriage.

    A friend of mine got married 4 years ago. Her's was a love marriage. Myself and my friend worked together in the same office for 5 years and hence I am privy to how their relationaship evolved.

    Her husband now - and her lover at that time - was madly in love with her. He used to treat her like a queen, never once disagreeing with her or hurting her feelings, even in a minor way. Whatever my friend said, was accepted without questions. He was available for her beck and call. His world and his schedules revolved around her. He even opposed his family to marry her. Impressed by him, my friend finally agreed to marry him.

    4 years after marriage, as I see them today, I am stunned by the stark differences in their relationship. He is aloof, never wanting to spend time with her. He often gets irritated at her and wants to have things his way. Silently, each of them have come to a judgement about the other and resigned to the fact that life is just going to be this way.

    My friend is an extremely beautiful lady. Even today, there are tons of men who would die to befriend her. But her husband is not physically or emotionally interested in her. Puzzling!

    Thinking about them, I was asking myself, "What happened? Where did all that love disappear?. Why married life never fulfills the dreams of courtship? Why is married life always a disappointment?"

    This happens in every marriage. But we all marry with the hope that somehow we will beat the odds?

    Ankita C
     
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  2. ambika ananth

    ambika ananth Bronze IL'ite

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    pertinent question

    Ankita

    Very pertinent question. Your friend's story made a sad reading, though it is closest to reality. When partners start taking eachother 'for granted' love naturally will take a back seat. There is a saying- 'marriage is like a castle under seige: those within want to get out and those outside want to get in'- during courtship people tend to show the best side of their personalities , their most impressive traits, but after getting what they pine for, they will take it for granted. You say your friend is very beautiful, but I had seen many average looking people getting best deal in life..call it by any name. There is definitely something more deeper than beauty which binds some couple..an emotional interdependency I guess.
    If you are unmarried, please don't get bogged down by negative thoughts. Love won't go away anywhere from lives, it gets buried under debris sometimes..all it takes is love's-labour.
    But your snippet made me feel sad somehow...why love becomes such a heart breaker sometimes...by hiding from view of those who seek it...

    ambika
     
  3. vinu

    vinu Junior IL'ite

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    Learn to accept and make love!

    Hi Ankita,

    I feel sad for your friend and her husband.

    Love doesn't disappear anywhere and it is within ourselves and we need to know how to make it. There might be ups and downs in a relationship, especially in day-to-day married life, but that should never question the love between the couples.

    Before marriage, the lovers get to spend only few hours together and that time permits to see only the positives of both. After marriage, living together gives all the time on earth, that couples get to see both postives and negatives of each other. Sometimes the negatives stain the lives so much that we start comparing the life and love for each other before marriage.

    To make and have love in life forever, couples need to know to accept each other as they are and communicate openly about their likes, dislikes and expectations (this doesn't mean complain about each other).

    Good luck to your friends!
     
  4. ankita_chitnis

    ankita_chitnis Bronze IL'ite

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    Question.

    Ambika/Vinu...great responses.

    Ambika, I have a question for you. You say that...

    "Love won't go away anywhere from lives, it gets buried under debris sometimes..all it takes is love's-labour."

    I am not exactly sure what you meant by it? Are you saying that my friend's husband still loves her a lot and that he is not expressing it? Or are you saying that my friend's husband is capable of loving her and he only needs to try harder at it?

    Ankita C
     
  5. ambika ananth

    ambika ananth Bronze IL'ite

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    a general statement

    Ankita

    I cannot say anything for sure about your friend's husband..what I said was that sometimes love gets buried under debris and it takes love's labour to clear it ...a generalized statement. If we have to apply this principle to your friend's married life, it takes both of them to clear the debris - the debris of wrong perceptions, misunderstandings and apathy, which can mar any marriage. Anyways, I wish her life takes a positive turn...

    ambika
     
  6. varalotti

    varalotti Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Great Discussion!

    Ankita,
    you have posed a million dollar question and the responses it provoked are definitely worth that much. Very matured responses. As Ambika said during love and courtship we place our best foot forward. To some extent we are not true to ourselves at that time. We project an image of ourselves which is far from reality. If at all you have listened to the sweet nothings that pass between lovers in the semi-lit restaurants and unlit beaches, you will find so much of nonsense and ******** going on. We can't codemn this because this is the primordial mating ritual where the harmones rule the body and the brain. During courtship I have the pressing need to win my love; otherwise I might lose her to some one worthier than me, more handsome than me, in short better than me. But after marriage she is there for me. I can take her for granted. Then the pendulum swings to the other extreme. As a woman looking for love and marriage how to avoid this flaw? My suggestion is: if someone treats you like a queen during courtship, be wary of him. At least take the royal role with a pinch - no a kilogram- of salt. Look for matured approach to life. Avoid any one who tries to possess you. If you two go to a restaurant and he is very nice to you but rude to the waiter don't go a mile near that person. Try to meet as much of his friends as possible.
    One thing is certain Ankita. The love a couple has before marriage and after 5 years of marriage will not be the same. This I can say from my personal experience. Because my marriage is a sort of love marriage. I still remember the days I have longed for my fiance's company, the hours we spent talking without having anything to say and so on. But the love we share is different. I don't treat her like a queen, nor she treats me like a king, as she used to do. But we try our level best to treat each other as human beings.
    Never, never lose hope in love or life, Ankita. That's the worst disease a human being can ever get. It is better to love and lose than not to have loved at all.
    sridhar
    varalotti
     
  7. roja

    roja Junior IL'ite

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    Love after marriage is not the same as before!

    Hello Ladies,

    This is an interesting discussion :thumbsup. Thanks to Ankita, I guess your question made everybody think over life and love.

    As mentioned by many others in this discussion, love is there but it appears as though it disappeared amidst the busy routine and other priorities in life.

    You know I am a very talkative person :roll: , I can keep talking for hours together. My husband used to enjoy listening to me, this was before marriage. Now, in married life, he gets easily once I start talking. That doesn't mean he is not in liking it or loving me. It is just that we get more time together now than we got before marriage! Earlier I used to complain so much about this to him, but then we talked about this and his explanation convinced me!

    Many times couples don't take the time to express themselves, as they did before marriage! That gives a feeling that there is no more love or it has disappeared.
     
  8. Prema

    Prema New IL'ite

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    It requires both the hands to clap.....

    Hi Ankita,

    I frankly agree with Vinu, Varalotti & Roja and have similiar kind of a reply.So, without repeating the same again. I would say, it requires both the hands to clap.It requires both of them to work out on their relationship. Love never dies if it is true!! It seems to have taken a backseat for sometime due to other pressures in life. They both have to workout together to bring back their life in love.

    All the best for your friend and her husband.
     
  9. igo

    igo New IL'ite

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    ignore

    Hi Ankita,
    Tell to her " just ignore him some days, after that he will roam again aroung her".


    OR



    Take a vacation and spend days in her Mother's place alone.
     
  10. forgiven10

    forgiven10 Silver IL'ite

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