Where Did I Go Wrong With My Parenting ?

You didn't. It's the age. Middle school with a DD was a revelation for me too.

I have a similar child and do the same things you do. I always make sure I praise her and all her achievements.
Btw, 12 is the age where she attained menarche and it was a hard year. I'm assuming those things are going on with your DD too.

With a preemie who was later diagnosed with special needs, I've let my DD to her own devices since the begining of middle school too. I later felt she also needs some attention from me. Before my son I used to do a lot of fun things with her. I found ways to spend time with her one on one - shopping, nails, hair, coffee shop, movies - anything not connected to school or studies.

That isn't so bad. B's are not failing grades and she is probably having hormonal changes. She also seems to be in a new school. It takes time to settle in. You should expect a drop in grades the first year of high school too. It will slowly pick up, don't be too anxious. Pay attention to her finishing her home work and making sure she knows what is going on in school. Encourage her to attend tutoring by her teachers and clarify her doubts. I don't think this is all that critical.

Do you have a parental control? Does she have social media access? You should monitor her online activities. Kids don;t have a sense of danger yet and social media predators are real. I still ask my DD to login to her social media accounts and we pick other people's posts and laugh about it. We joke about other kids pics. I comment on every boy friend and girl friend and make it seem like a fun thing. She tells me stuff and honestly some things make me cringe but I keep the communication channels open. Kya kare, karna padta hai. Look like a friend but be a mom at the same time. Sometimes, I show her my social media and the random stuff I do and she comments on it. She's older though so you need to figure out how to do this in a friendly manner. Eventually, they all get social media accounts, have more than one account on most social media sites and if we teach them at a very young age to be careful, its best.

Don't buy too much junk. Buy enough for a week and when its over, its getting replenished only on Sunday! I stopped buying from costco and buy stuff only from whole foods or other stores where package sizes are small. I keep a variety of healthy snacks - fruits and berries of all kinds , nuts etc handy at all times. I've noticed if I serve fruits, my kids will eat it. I keep some on the dining table - cut and prepped and they eat that instead of hunting for the junk in the fridge.

Teachers teachers... I've got similar calls too, in MS. I realize sometimes the teachers are over zealous and want to have high performers perform their best all the time. I would give her a break, if I were you and not ask about competition finals. She can always pick up competitions next year or later. Maybe the academic load is increasing and she isn't able to do all the comps she did. She will slowly find a way to strike a balance and do one or two things she really wants to do.

I think you did really well. You could probably follow up with actions and look at her grades online periodically, tell her you checked her grade and it's totally fine she didn't do all that well in math. Btw, is there anything I can help with? No? OK - Go to tutorials or let me help you find a tutor. She's probably still worried about your reaction but in time she will get it and come to you for the tutor or doubt etc.
I always tell my DD that regardless of how she goofs up she needs to tell me. I need to hear it from her. She may have repercussions based on what the transgression is but if I find out from XYZ aunty, the price to pay will be dire. She does tell me first before I find out otherwise and I do let it go for grades etc.
Btw, my DD started taking failures very badly. So much so that she won't do a thing she isn't good at if she won't get a prize. To alleviate that, we started helping her accept failures - tests/competitions etc. We do celebrate her hard work and pay attention to how well she took the failure. She is still a mess with stress but I hope by the time she is in college, she will be able to handle failures easily. I also don't associate material rewards with accomplishing something in school. I buy her things but not because she came first. I buy her things because she's a great sister, helps me around the house, won't trouble me for attention etc etc. I make it a point to mention it. Sometimes I reward a very good try and tell her how proud of her I am for her attempt even if she didn't place/rank/proceed etc.

Kids need some freedom. They have to make age appropriate decisions, learn the consequences and learn to move forward. I regret so many things my DD has done academically and feel like she would have done so much better had I insisted on my way but I think she's better equipped to handle situations because she has made some decisions herself. I don't think you failed. I praise often and tell her often how good she is. I think kids need to hear it. My mom never bothered to tell me that growing up and I wish I had heard that more often. Kids get some self confidence from us placing our trust and confidence in them.

Lying - telling you she made an A or omitting to tell you she got a B? Omitting is fear and you can figure out easily by looking at the gradebook online. I also suggest writing a bi-monthly email to the teacher to check on how things are at school.
TV - I don't fret too much about it. Mine is too busy to watch any TV now so whatever she did in MS is what she did. I would insist on finishing up all HW prior to watching TV and enforce a strict bed time. Kids need sleep and they are sleep deprived in this day of electronic interference. Make it about their health. Food can easily be controlled by what is available at home.
You don't have to correct yourself. We are all angry moms. You are a great mom from what you have written so far. Don't get worked up.

my DD came home and told me last year that ABC got taken out of dance and music because she didn't do well in math. I asked the Mom. She said these exact same words. ABC didn't care about it, she felt she was being punished by her most fav activities being cut. If you are taking away classes make sure it is not something she enjoys doing. She can help you with those decisions. Ask her what she wants to do with her free time other than TV and internet. She may have an activity or two she likes to do. Try to get her to those things. Middle school is the time to find something to do outside of academics. Once in HS, there is no room to experiment. It's pressure from day 1. Let her have some fall back activities now so she has those things to blow some steam off in HS.

Monitor her grades but don't confront her. Ask her and slowly help her answer you and give you the truth. Don't make it a big deal though. I think you are doing the right thing. Give her time, she should open up.
I think in time the grades will pick up too. I've BTDT for a year of MS and she went back to where she was.
I wouldn't use terms like regular, lagging behind etc with her if I were you. She already thinks she is disappointing you so that will be a major factor in not telling you how she is doing. Keep telling her you are confident in her abilities. She will get back there in no time.

Mangaii - It takes a lot for a mom to come and ask these things. You are such a good mom. Don't ever tell yourself otherwise. I couldn't have come here and asked this. The fact that you do shows how good a mom you are. This too shall pass. Hugs.

 

Isn't it always the case? Moms are the ones everyone points to when something isn't going right with the kids! I don't even think our moms truly get what it's like to work full time, have babies, tend to everything at home with not much help in a different country.
On a similar note, I keep telling myself, I have no idea about the intricacies of school life in this country and try to learn on the go. Glad for this forum, some of us can relate to what other moms are currently facing.

So sweet! Mine is a great big sis too and my biggest advocate after her Dad.

I completely understand with getting overworked. Kids sometimes get carried away by peer pressure of the glitz of that one activity that they don't realize how hard it can get. After multiple such fiascoes, we had a system in place. She had to complete the activity, regardless of how much she didn't want to after enrolling and completing a few weeks. She had the first two weeks to decide if she liked it or not. We also made sure we didn't stretch ourselves too thin when it came to activities. I did what I could and if I couldn't, no matter how good the activity, I didn't sign her up. As a result, she reduced her adventures and stuck to two activities that she really liked. I pulled her out of things I started for my own satisfaction. Once they are in HS, there isn't much time for activities outside of school anyway. They just need a thing or two to relax and unwind.

Sounds like a plan! Good luck!