Where Are My Open Arms

sunkan · Jun 7, 2007

The open arms that is not available to us:
To day the IT boom and various factors of change in life has given more importance to career, and lifestyle, that we are not giving time for human relations.
A mother who was available a decade ago is no more waiting for you to run home and into her arms with all those daily complains you could tell her and get consoled.
To day an ayah or may be some member of the house may be available, or grandparents if you are lucky will understand your woes, and console you.

Those were the days in the 60’s and 70’s when mother was available, one could relate day to day activity and she knew all your friends name so thoroughly that u need not go about mentioning all over again, only the lamenting. She would understand and console you and your dear diary for life. She knew what one liked and something special was always there on the table except for the precondition that you wash your self before coming to eat anything at all. I could demand my favourite food if I have to finish my home work.
All said and done, it was the father not available only for weekends that too not to be disturbed figure who’s used to reprimand a lot. Even the matrimony had only one thing she should be a good home maker with basic studies…

Now coming to the present scenario of 80’s and 90’s, the children are always sulking, moody, never talk easily, rebellious, grumbling back refuse to help out in situation as trivial as getting something from the shop, they would rather help their cousins outside than at home. They have lost the luxury of getting nice evening snacks along with their favourite hot cup of something from coffee to boost or horlicks and so on. They have to make for themselves whatever they want, it is not that things are not there at home, but why should the children help themselves for a nice bite. None to care whether they are home in time, what is the use to hurry to walk into an empty house not home.

As soon as she arrives she can only ask have you finished your studies, don’t play with the TV go to your room and finish your studies, you know how difficult it is to get seat in a good college, you need to study with earnest to get into a nice college, and I lament what difference does it make about the college, the scenario is not going to change at home, when they don’t have the time for us, what is the big bother about our future and its repercussions. Nowadays the children lament is this, when career and lifestyle of a car and a bungalow takes precedence to us, may be they say it is for our future, but can the bungalow throw out its arms when we arrive, or is it going to give a smiling hug when we are low? Even the matrimonial requisition has changed from homely to professionally qualified and employed girls.

Now let us see the 90’ and the 2000’s the older generation in their twilight zone have none to take care of them, you have sowed the seed and now u lament, what is the point when you have taught them to fend for themselves, and now they want you to do the same, though the scenes with the children are the same. Both parents have to work to meet the demands of the fees in colleges and for the betterment of their life, it is no more that you be happy and learn to live with what is earned, the temptation of a swiping card has led you to live a lavish life and shell out all the money that you earn on to them monthly, so what u save and then buy comes, now first you buy and then you pay, the middle class has come a long way, from the planners and buyers, to buyers and planners. Even the recent ad on fair lovely is going to be for other things too, the girl goes to see the boy as they are getting updated more in the career front, and expect a lot in marriage too, so the man has to beat her at her game to win her over. I remember a neighbor telling that her daughter earned around 50,000/= and expects a groom who is earning double. So in this race of career and lifestyle, emotion has taken a back seat, and the fertility rate gone up, as no time even for that. Now if the Indian MNC and BPO don’t wake up, to the call of nature in evolution tomorrow they would be blamed for a economically wonderful but not much children to enjoy the benefits, and if they could come forward and make woman to work from home mandatory, we can bring down the fertility, the emotional atmosphere upgraded and the future needs of the children can be taken care of simultaneously, other wise we will face a lot of violence, irritation and the job front is filled already with depressions and its diseases. What <?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-comffice:smarttags" /><st1:country-region><st1lace>Japan</st1lace></st1:country-region> is taking now after the alarming fall rate of birth in their country should be watched out in <st1:country-region><st1lace>India</st1lace></st1:country-region> too….REGARDS SUNKA

sunkan · Jun 14, 2007

This is an excellent topic put up for discussion.

To come to think of it "old age" is definitely a problem.But can anybody tell
me...if there is a phase in life where there isnt a problem??? If these parents
had thought of us children to be a menace when we wake up in the middle of the
night cranky, or when we make an embarrasing situation whereby they would have
had to probably loose a relationship....there are so many instances when mothers
would have fought for their children with other mothers...so many so many
instances could be sited up....yes..circumstances were different then..now both
spouses are working..no time for parents..
Some parents are real head strong even when they are old..in the sense they will
take care of themselves until the last moment..but i'm sure heart of hearts they
would wish that they had their children near them,their grandchildren to sit and
play on their laps...its time for them to retire,sit and relax and see the next
to next generation come up..like someone mentioned..its a cycle..phases of
life..we end from where we have begun..old people are like children..difficult
to manage but not so difficult cause we know them,we know their temperement,we
know their likings and dislikes...would we go back against any of our children's
wish? Its better that they get the last few days of their life to live in peace
with their family...more than financial support what old people need is
emotional support,a feeling of belonging....
But also they should understand the present life and adjust accordingly..that
someone has to repeatedly keep reminding them...
Also most importantly,tomorrow even we would get old...God forbid,if we are left
alone in this world without our spouses and children busy with their own
lives...how would we cope up with the generation NEXT??????

With a little bit of understanding and care maybe things would be ok..else ,yes
upcoming old age homes are a real boon to situations unbearable....

Anu
---End Quote---
dear anu,
why are u putting this in the pm then, this should had been in the forum and
there would be many who would join u or contradict u, any way i do appreciate u
writing to me, with ur permission may i post this in the forum without ur name
if u want...?? regards sunkan
---End Quote---

Yes pls,you may post it in the forum.Sorry ,im new to I.L.

Thanks
***************

Padmash · Jun 14, 2007

Hi Sunkan&Anu,
this is really a good post. may be some life can change after reading this forum, this needs to be discussed. what i feel for our generation who started their married life 60% of them have enjoyed a better family life mom waiting at home papa taking for outings and helping in homework, no ayah no caretaker and ploaying with grandparents. but problem is for these parents who brought up so well with their limited salaries taking care of al our wishes and sacrificing their own wishes, only in hope my children will grow up and take care of us as we are teaching them good thing in life making them to study abroad and go for expensive courses, our children know how much we are struggling for their better future. But what is happening in the current scenario after all these pains someone wants to send their parents to to old age homes, someone don't have time to visit them at least once in two year or once in a year, some great people make them to work even after they ae retired as they have their own expenses loans and tution hobby classes for their own children. In India we all know 10-15 years back slalry structure was very low it improved in mid 90's, it was really difficult at those times for middle class parents to produce highly talented children, but now these parents are hardly counted by their own children. I know millionaire from Noida he has got 5kids and constructed house for each of them they have showrooms for each one. why he worked hard to expand business throughout life he thought he will get all these to his children and at his old age st least sons will be near him, but his bad luck his only married daughter visits him 3-4times year and rest of children making future in us and uk, poor man requests his children i have not seen u for 5yrs i dont know how my grandchildren look like come and meet once but still he is waiting and waiting. i don't think people working abroad are so busy. Now a days some parents already understood condition and made up their mind for coming years. but now we can see their visits to psychiatrist, joining some club is frequently increasing so as to forget all the pains. they will anyhow pass their time and go to heaven but we must think what we are planting in our children's mind at the very young age. This is an alarming problem which can be solved by the right decision of upcoming parents only.

padma

sunkan · Jun 14, 2007

dear padma,
i am very happy that u have joined here with me, i wanted the young mothers to think, if they have enough they should take the option of working from home, and concentrate more on the children, no use complaining that after all i did all these for them, when u dont nurture the emotional bondage...regards sunkan,,

sujathae · Jun 20, 2007

Hello all, It is true that children long for someone to be waiting for them at home when they come back. I and my siblings use to long like that. My mother was employed and when we get back home from school no one use to be at home. But we could understand that it was a necessity and for our betterment that she was toiling. When I grew up and graduated and got a good job i told my mother to stop working and she took voluntary retirement and sat us at home. Then she took good care of us. Later when i got married and i was working. I had a kid after 4 years. I couldn't leave her and go for work. I managed to be at home for an year. Later my husband said that my child longed for my presence and he asked me to quit the job which i couldn't do as it was a govt. job. Then we decided to come to Kuwait where i can stay at home and take care of my child. I denied even a few good job offers i got here. My child today is growing up into a healthy and happy child. Though sometimes I feel that i do not have a career for myself i am happy that i can take full care of my child and as well as my husband. Happy homefront has brought many promotions in my husband's career too which he always appreciates. Though we miss all our people we feel that we have done some justice to our child. In addition to that we also have the satisfaction of helping our people to the maximum extent which would not have been possible has we stayed in our own country. We plan to leave this country after two or three years and settle down in our own place and then we can take care of our parents too.

thanks and regards,
sujatha

Padmash · Jun 21, 2007

hi Sujatha,

thanks u wrote for this post, i was thinking so many things are written here no response. Sujatha this was not fot individual who stay abroad, i myself awar from home i know right now they need me and i need them too but for some reason both of us can't accompany each other. This all is written how people are changing forgetting their own responsibilties it never means u always carry ur parents along with u sometimes itrs not at all possible even though u want them desperately. this is not tha case with indian living abroad this is with indians who reside in other states than their own. if such things continue that parents are always away from their children then nad they never meet hardly once in four five years then this thing will be carried by our next generation no emotional feeling at all for them it will be visiting once in ten years. Here whatever is posted is just like a warning how we are changing what a model of society is going to look like. i don't have any kid but i didn't joined my govt job as teacher in up state govt for a single so as to accompany my husand. there are some people who are away from their parents but care for them try to visit when possible but there are some who don't think about them. u have heard of a case in new delhi one very rich man died in his bungalow after two days this thing came in light bcoz of neighbors when they didn't see him for 2days, his sons daughter all residing in delhi but no contacts at least when u live in same place out four children u get call from one but no he died and wrote note against his children and his property is with govt now. i hope now ur doubt clear.

bye
padma