Recently I was discussing with my friend about our sons (mine is a toddler and hers is an infant) but somehow the conversation changed to their marriage and life partner. I just casually mentioned "blah-blah-blah... because the girl / my DIL is coming into our family". Can you imagine the horror when I realized I uttered those words? I mean, me, the rebel in our family, the fiercely independent woman, who hates male chauvinism in any shape or form, talking about her would-be-DIL like how my granny would?! I mean if my MIL had said something along the same lines to me I would have been so mad. It brought me back to reality and I immediately corrected that "She is not coming into our family; She is starting her own family with my son". When I told this to my DH, he comes up with "what-if-he-is-gay-so-you-may-get-SNIL-not-DIL". I just rolled my eyes and walked away, not because I don't want my son to be gay, but he just cant answer one simple question however hypothetical it may sound. Anyway, he later said though I talk about woman empowerment, etc, may be inside there is some remnants of the traditional upbringing I had. So how do you ensure your thought process doesn't change as we age and we don't become our grandmothers? As a mother of a son, I feel I may have to put more effort to stay the same. I mean, do you make conscious effort to not fall into the "traditional" trap that is somehow still sticking to us? PS: I know he is just a toddler so I may be overthinking stuff, but man, I still cant believe I said that, and hence this thread...
: ) : ) Happens. My theory is that when we talk about our children's marriage and their life-partners, we fall back to what we've heard on that topic for years and are still hearing from parents of young people getting married now also. So, some of that creeps into our words. Husbands and daughter/sons will set us right soon enough, so we should not worry. : )
I too think many times about this. But I feel that either my son and dil should live separate or they can stay at their own homes even after marriage and can meet frequently where ever they want to. I am no where to suggest them or ask them any favour. This system of girl leaving her home and adjust to settle is no more a good deal for this generation. Lets see what they are going to decide.
@jillcastle , This happens because of our conditioning, our deep rooted insecurities and possessiveness. When we face issues we talk against the established system and when it is someone else's turn we want our security intact and our selfishness surfaces. This is natural human tendency. So moving beyond our selfishness and choosing what is right is more important. Even I have a son and I too go through these thought processes. What is important is, to be aware and catch those thoughts as they stem and nip them. Self talk to accept changes, possible old age related insecurities and reinforce our own commitment in favour of the younger generations, particularly the daughter-in-law.
I agree. I was just appalled that I was talking like the olde generation though I have strong views against it Exactly, this conversation with my friend was an eye opener for me. I am sure my DIL would have her own list of stuff to dis-like in me. One thing I can do is not to open my mouth unless asked specifically for an opinion.
yes, that is very true. - Never try to be her mom; because, when you do that you will say things that you would tell your daughter. That won't sit well with your DIL no matter how much you love her like a daughter. - Never fight with your DIL; even if you make up, the crack will always be there. - Never complain to your son and drag him in the middle and don't ever ever make him take sides. The latter will impact his marriage. If you love your son, keep peace. - Don't try to take control or feel that you are an elder and you should be consulted. You should be there only in a supporting role to your son's family.