When to seek medical help

Diya 08,

You have raised a very valid point. I dont think its done and acceptable in even most advanced developed societies. They are tolerant and but not accepting the things they dont want in their life. Gay, heterosexual and all variant of sexual behaviour could co-exist and could derive its origin from harmone compostion in body. But we dont have to bring them home to show our tolerance.

If this was case , I think the lady in question is better off without such dysfunctional marriage. Normally people should mention these things upfront, but if only we were living in a ideal society. With that note, we can still make sure we do our ground check before any allaince.

A through check of family, its social dealing, guy's social circle and other history needs to be compiled well before getting into lifelong wed lock. But we as gaurdians of daughter do miss the point. We are so busy rushing for a high earning guy, that we push all these basic and very pertinent issues under carpet and finish wedding. So I think both the parties are to be blamed. Even such check should done for girl and her family.

Now to list some of things, which should be red flag in my thinking..

- A spouse justifying and suggesting group sex
- Spouse Swapping
- Anything social interaction, which make the party in question uncomfortable and humiliated
- Enormous addiction to pornography
- If you find a family indulging into things you would normally disprove, time to run.

Ria

 

Hi Diya and Ria,
Though many women suffer silently with husband's behavioural problems, most of them never open up.If "When to seek medical help?' is the question here, I don't think, any doctor or medicine can solve such problems.If at all there is any solution to staighten up things, please share.
I had similar differences with my hubby and everytime I consulted a doctor, he only tried to convince me that there are some men like that.They blamed the genes, hormones etc.I searched n searched for months for a lady psychiatrist or sexologist, but never came across one.We cannot talk freely with a male doctor, and to my astonishment I also understood that men always took sides with men.It is strange but true that women facing such serious problems are never consoled, saved or even understood by other women.When first one argues, then fights, at last cries and goes into depression, all that she gets is some pills to swallow and advices like'have your own hobby, chant slokas, concentrate on your kids or find a job..."Husband will be just the same and things don't change much.When you go on a tour to see the painting and carvings on the caves, make sure that your spouse is not very impressed with all that stuff...Jokes apart,during the initial stages itself one can encourage the spouse to do social services or satsang activities .Mind when occupied with higher level thoughts , feels satisfied and won't wander much for physical pleasures.Diya, pls, inform what decision the girl took...
Bye
Sreshta

 

Hi Sreshta,

You are so right... Women are always supposed to reconcile everything and accept as things are, particularly with men. I also HATE this.

I can tolerate that with small fights, family issues, in-laws, finances etc. But when it comes to something like this, its as if the very ground you are standing on shatters. Our values are very very important than anything else. That's something we strongly believe in and we cannot comprimise that for anything.

In such a situation, I think
1. The wife should strongly put forward what she can tolerate and what she cannot.
2. If the husband is ready to change his ways, she can give him sometime and monitor whether he really means what he says.
3. If he does'nt, she can again try by giving the option of getting professional help on the issue.
4. If doesn't want help or doesn't change even after that, she should just leave.

Very important, during this time she personally should not do or accept what she cannot tolerate.

Diya, pls let us know what happened to the girl.

Shresta, how are you handling the situation? If you are still looking for a lady psychiatrist, Pls let me know. I am also from chennai basically and I can try and find someone.

 

Hi Phoenix,
I will be grateful, if you could suggest some Lady counsellor or Lady psychiatrist in Chennai, Bangalore or secunderabad/Hyderabad.I am lucky to have found this useful site.
I would like to know if these things happen in your houses or -are these okay?
Husband not bothered about children near you, when you are together on bed.
Shouts and refuses to discuss when you point out something disagreeable.
Father kissing daughter on lips.
I am disturbed and confused about what is wrong and what is right..
AR

 

Dear Architha,
According to me, these things you have mentioned are not acceptable.Better put a fullstop to such things.
Take care
Bye
Sreshta

 

Dear Phoenix,
Whatever I have posted is only one hundredth of what I have undergone.Till date I am struggling alone with hope and patience.
The first thing I decided was not to leave him as I gave first priority to kids and family bonds.
Spouse is another individual coming from a totaly different background and I was not fortunate enough to know his desires and interests before marriage.
When compared with his attachment to me, my kids and famiy matters, this is a minor thing which can be corrected-not punished.
I have strong faith inGod and the goodness of man,...so analyse various ways to change his fantasies and approach.
Sense of humour also comes handy sometimes to lighten some difficult situations.
My greatest problem has been my elder sister, who supports him and gives a feeling that everything is right to live life to the fullest.This made me more firm from inside and so I took it as a challenge to make things better. Our happiness should not wholly depend on our spouse, in-law's behaviour, relatives treatment or others' actions/words.My spiritual journey so far has helped me to just press the ignore button when anything comes as an obstacle in MY way of life-but things which need attention should not be ignored.
If you know any professionals in Chennai, please let me know.
Thanks
Bye
Sreshta

 

Dear Archita,
I agree with Shresta. Everything you've stated seems unacceptable. Please do something about it.

Dear Shresta,
First of all, Kudos for your constant patience and faith. I do not know your situation completely. But from the way you have stated, I understand that you are really a motivated person. I just have some questions. You say that your sister has been the problem. Wouldn't you be able to talk to her, since she's u'r sister and let her know that she is unnecessarily interfering in your life and creating problems. Also, how does your husband react? When you say you are not comfortable accepting certain things, does he respect your feelings or ignores you ? If you would like to discuss more, please send me a private message.

Since you both are still looking for a lady psychiatrist, I'll try and find someone for you.

 

Dear Phoenix,
My mother is no more and so when things went out of control, I used to share my problems with my elder sister.I understood later that she approves such fun and flirting.Yes, it hurts, Phoenix....Many days I have spent crying and longing for my mother....I understood that noone in this world other than parents is really concerned about you.
Yes, he considers my feelings and changes his ways for a while, but slowly starts again.Habits die hard and I am trying my best to divert his attention to do more creative things, participate in festivals & functions, and praise his good qualities in front of relatives as I don't want to let him down.
I am not able to send Private message to you.
Love
Sreshta